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Viewing comments for Chapter 66 "Miracle or Mix-up"Personal poems
19 total reviews
Comment from CornishChick
Hey Tom....
Now you are in MY territory. This is a fantastic story and I'm glad you were recognized for it. In my professional life, I write stories like this all the time. I interview people and then write their stories for them.
In writing prose - you need to lose as many passive verbs as possible. It's hard to do at first, but gets easier w/ practice. Instead of "I was running" change to "I ran."
A few examples from your own story: thanked him for being so conservative - change to 'his conservative decision' - losing the "being" a passive verb.
I was also beginning to question my decision to go ahead with the surgery. As the day grew closer, I was imagining what the surgery would be like, and what the recovery would entail
Here's how to make this more active: I began to question my decision to move forward with the surgery. As the day crept closer, I imagined what the surgery and recovery entailed.
one more example: In the meantime, my February operation date was rapidly approaching. I became consumed with thoughts of impending death - change to ... date rapidly approached and thoughts of impending death consumed me....
Hope that all makes sense to you. Your story is powerful in its truthfulness. It would simply flow better and keep the reader in suspense w/ some minor adjustments.
Another important rule is show, don't tell. In the following -
The matronly nurse, with that mole on her cheek, looked worried and said - you are telling the reader she is worried. Instead, write, 'she frowned' or 'her eyes flicked away' - something along those lines. Then you are SHOWING the reader her worry rather than just telling the reader. Hope that makes sense.
I almost joined that contest! Got too busy. So glad for your placing! So glad you shared your story. So glad the doctors were WRONG!!!
and btw ... your ending is perfect! Perfect punch line. Great, great job!!!
Be blessed this Thanksgiving Day!
Arlene
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2013
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Hey Tom....
Now you are in MY territory. This is a fantastic story and I'm glad you were recognized for it. In my professional life, I write stories like this all the time. I interview people and then write their stories for them.
In writing prose - you need to lose as many passive verbs as possible. It's hard to do at first, but gets easier w/ practice. Instead of "I was running" change to "I ran."
A few examples from your own story: thanked him for being so conservative - change to 'his conservative decision' - losing the "being" a passive verb.
I was also beginning to question my decision to go ahead with the surgery. As the day grew closer, I was imagining what the surgery would be like, and what the recovery would entail
Here's how to make this more active: I began to question my decision to move forward with the surgery. As the day crept closer, I imagined what the surgery and recovery entailed.
one more example: In the meantime, my February operation date was rapidly approaching. I became consumed with thoughts of impending death - change to ... date rapidly approached and thoughts of impending death consumed me....
Hope that all makes sense to you. Your story is powerful in its truthfulness. It would simply flow better and keep the reader in suspense w/ some minor adjustments.
Another important rule is show, don't tell. In the following -
The matronly nurse, with that mole on her cheek, looked worried and said - you are telling the reader she is worried. Instead, write, 'she frowned' or 'her eyes flicked away' - something along those lines. Then you are SHOWING the reader her worry rather than just telling the reader. Hope that makes sense.
I almost joined that contest! Got too busy. So glad for your placing! So glad you shared your story. So glad the doctors were WRONG!!!
and btw ... your ending is perfect! Perfect punch line. Great, great job!!!
Be blessed this Thanksgiving Day!
Arlene
Comment Written 28-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2013
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Thank you Arlene. I appreciate all your wonderful input. I don't usually write narrative prose, so this is out of my wheelhouse and I will take it to heart. Unfortunately it's before the committee now, so I can't make any more changes. You have a wonderful day too. I just got the Turkey in the oven.
Comment from Green Lake Girl
I decided to stop by and browse your profile since you kindly reviewed my Santa story the other day. Wow! I stumbled upon quite a story. How absolutely frightening that you were about to give up two important pieces of anatomy for no good reason. I'm glad you persevered and followed your gut. You may have experienced a miracle with your boss's healing hands. Either way, we're glad you're here and able to write about the experience. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2013
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I decided to stop by and browse your profile since you kindly reviewed my Santa story the other day. Wow! I stumbled upon quite a story. How absolutely frightening that you were about to give up two important pieces of anatomy for no good reason. I'm glad you persevered and followed your gut. You may have experienced a miracle with your boss's healing hands. Either way, we're glad you're here and able to write about the experience. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2013
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Thank you Green Lake Girl. I was likewise intrigued by your story, so I looked at your profile too and was impressed that you are new since July, and already won a contest. I did read Aaron's Big Chance Too. I didn't write a review on it, because I usually only write and review poetry, unless the story is short. But I like Santa stories so I read and reviewed yours. I just don't feel I know narrative prose well enough to be a reviewer, and I just a poet at heart.
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Thanks for your comments on Aaron's Big Chance. It was really fun writing that one. Please continue reading the Santa story . . . always interested in fresh opinions. I never read poetry before FanStory, now I read and review it regularly. I review mostly for content, as I am no expert on poetry structure. I think most people just want the reviews and comments. I know I do. FanStory offers a very diverse audience . . . hard to duplicate that! Good to meet you!
Comment from ravenblack
Man, it is a damn good thing you followed your gut. You are right about being concerned about quality of life issues. Miracle or medical mistake, I am glad you made the right choice . I think the docs saw what they wanted to see.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2013
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Man, it is a damn good thing you followed your gut. You are right about being concerned about quality of life issues. Miracle or medical mistake, I am glad you made the right choice . I think the docs saw what they wanted to see.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2013
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Thank you ravenblack. I think you are right.
Comment from Selina Stambi
They believe in the power of prayer, and the ability of the congregation to heal by "the laying on of hands." .. hurrah! I do too - am actively involved in this ministry and have experience divine healing of two incurable diseases and recovery from cancer against all odds! Hallelujah!
Ha! I'll decide, Tom - it was a miracle. Science doesn't lie.
What an amazing story - so glad and thankful you lived to tell the tale.
Sonali
With it, I might (it - don't think you need this word here) get two
it should be (done by) one of the best surgeons possible
when I wasn't far from major medical centers(?)
when we did get together(,) (s)o this was unusual behavior
(So), I went to Stony Brook and had them release .. I think the sentence would be fine without 'so'
So, I scheduled it with them to perform it there on the first Wednesday in February ... suggest: ... The surgery was scheduled to be performed there on the first Wednesday in February
; Pueblo, Colorado; and Great Neck(,) New York
He (lay) there in his hospital bed, dressed in a tuxedo
even picking (the) songs and having the church choir come
I just want(ed) to be left alone to die in peace
Was I afraid? You (b)et!
But it (was)(no comma,) what it (was), and this (was) my life.(you are writing in the past tense)
What they originally thought (were) cancer cells, now showed up to only be some standard scar
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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They believe in the power of prayer, and the ability of the congregation to heal by "the laying on of hands." .. hurrah! I do too - am actively involved in this ministry and have experience divine healing of two incurable diseases and recovery from cancer against all odds! Hallelujah!
Ha! I'll decide, Tom - it was a miracle. Science doesn't lie.
What an amazing story - so glad and thankful you lived to tell the tale.
Sonali
With it, I might (it - don't think you need this word here) get two
it should be (done by) one of the best surgeons possible
when I wasn't far from major medical centers(?)
when we did get together(,) (s)o this was unusual behavior
(So), I went to Stony Brook and had them release .. I think the sentence would be fine without 'so'
So, I scheduled it with them to perform it there on the first Wednesday in February ... suggest: ... The surgery was scheduled to be performed there on the first Wednesday in February
; Pueblo, Colorado; and Great Neck(,) New York
He (lay) there in his hospital bed, dressed in a tuxedo
even picking (the) songs and having the church choir come
I just want(ed) to be left alone to die in peace
Was I afraid? You (b)et!
But it (was)(no comma,) what it (was), and this (was) my life.(you are writing in the past tense)
What they originally thought (were) cancer cells, now showed up to only be some standard scar
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you Sonali. I think so too. Wow, really? That is truly amazing. You are blessed. Concerning the changes, here's what I did:
Done, nope, yes plural, nope, nope, nope, done, done, nope, nope, done, nope, done.
I appreciate your suggestions and catching those errors.
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Yep, yep, Tom ... the suggestions are for the writer to take or leave of course !!
I found the piece so inspiring - thank you for writing it. I've often wondered if I should share my story but have fought shy of doing so because of the "DIS-illusioned" cynics on this site and I've been wary of having tender places stomped on. I must go back and read your reviews to see what the overall reception has been.
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It's always a risk, but the experience of writing it is cathartic. I was amazed at all those who read it, as it was so long. Everyone so far was very helpful and supportive.
Comment from rod007
Exceptionally great and riveting true story. Sometimes in the face of even expert advice instinct for what is best reveals the truth. My own near death experiences that I have written about and where i survived was through sheer instinct. I always trust my instinct and perhaps it is not instinct but God guiding one in life! Well deserving of six stars. Well done Tom.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Exceptionally great and riveting true story. Sometimes in the face of even expert advice instinct for what is best reveals the truth. My own near death experiences that I have written about and where i survived was through sheer instinct. I always trust my instinct and perhaps it is not instinct but God guiding one in life! Well deserving of six stars. Well done Tom.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you Rod, Yes, I'm so glad I made that decision, even though I didn't need to. I appreciate you sharing your tjoughtsvand awarding those stars.
Comment from Capricorn30
Wow!
Your story is a miracle--I firmly believe it;
A wonderful story fitting for the Christmas season, as some say Christmas is the time for miraculous occurrences;
A greater power was looking down upon you;
I can't begin to imagine the horror of the surgery disfigurement, and a few short months to live following.
Your story gives great hope to others.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Wow!
Your story is a miracle--I firmly believe it;
A wonderful story fitting for the Christmas season, as some say Christmas is the time for miraculous occurrences;
A greater power was looking down upon you;
I can't begin to imagine the horror of the surgery disfigurement, and a few short months to live following.
Your story gives great hope to others.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you very much Margaret. I am so blessed.
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Indeed you are!
Few individuals receive such wonderful news.
I am waiting on the results of a mammogram--I had to go in for a second one last week, the first one showing calcification in the right breast. Your story gives me hope.
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Let's hope and pray that all turns out well for you.
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Thank you:)
Comment from Preston McWhorter
Hi, Trieschel,
This is an excellent true story filled with details and suspense about how you are going to survive this situation --possibly a few too many details. You really should get six stars from having to relive this.
The ending was little trite. For those with faith it was a miracle. For those without it was a stupid medical mistake. For me it was auspicious. I believe that life is full of "ordinary" magic. Things happen that sometimes amaze us because we cannot identify the cause. And then there is the magic of a sunrise or the progression in the seasons.
What ever the reason I am glad you survived. I cons ider you a friend and wish only the best for you. Good luck in the contest. Even if you do not win the contest you are certainly a winner in life.
Also I appreciate your posting the review on Amazon.
I will try to return the favor. Call on me if I can ever do any thing for you.
Your friend,
Preston
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Hi, Trieschel,
This is an excellent true story filled with details and suspense about how you are going to survive this situation --possibly a few too many details. You really should get six stars from having to relive this.
The ending was little trite. For those with faith it was a miracle. For those without it was a stupid medical mistake. For me it was auspicious. I believe that life is full of "ordinary" magic. Things happen that sometimes amaze us because we cannot identify the cause. And then there is the magic of a sunrise or the progression in the seasons.
What ever the reason I am glad you survived. I cons ider you a friend and wish only the best for you. Good luck in the contest. Even if you do not win the contest you are certainly a winner in life.
Also I appreciate your posting the review on Amazon.
I will try to return the favor. Call on me if I can ever do any thing for you.
Your friend,
Preston
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you Preston. I always appreciate your opinions and support. Sometime, I'll be publishing my book of poetry, then you can be of help.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
WOnderful tale! So glad you got that second opinion, and I'm sure you are even MORE glad. YOur brother saved your manhood. You have much to be thankful for EVERY day of your life. As for miracle vs. mistake, you'll never know, so choose whichever you like. Just glad for a happy ending... the only I like to read. :)
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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WOnderful tale! So glad you got that second opinion, and I'm sure you are even MORE glad. YOur brother saved your manhood. You have much to be thankful for EVERY day of your life. As for miracle vs. mistake, you'll never know, so choose whichever you like. Just glad for a happy ending... the only I like to read. :)
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you Phyllis, I am blessed.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Woww! What an epic journey you undertook and thank God all turned out well for there was a time when it looked like it wasn't going to.
A very honest and frightening account of a major medical crisis you faced head on and won.
You will never know just how , or why, your life was spared but I'm sure you are eternally grateful that it was.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Woww! What an epic journey you undertook and thank God all turned out well for there was a time when it looked like it wasn't going to.
A very honest and frightening account of a major medical crisis you faced head on and won.
You will never know just how , or why, your life was spared but I'm sure you are eternally grateful that it was.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you Shirley, yes, very grateful.
Comment from barrieblakeway
And I thought you were going to tell me your underpants were too tight! Great story, well written, kept the flow and so the interest. You even had me feeling down below!
Pleased you enjoy golf!
Hang in thee Brother, so pleased you still can!
Bye Treischel
baz
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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And I thought you were going to tell me your underpants were too tight! Great story, well written, kept the flow and so the interest. You even had me feeling down below!
Pleased you enjoy golf!
Hang in thee Brother, so pleased you still can!
Bye Treischel
baz
Comment Written 24-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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Thank you Baz. Ne too!
