Pax
I see a beautiful child14 total reviews
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Alex - don't think I've ever given you a low rating before, but I feel this is not your best....
Great stimulus for a poem and the theme is worthwhile, but I believe you have overcooked it. The piece becomes a little repetitive and, for me, a bit preachy.
I think you would do better to cut it in half, show the child's joy in what he sees and not try so hard to 'explain' your point. Even the name should be self-explanatory to most readers....
Steve
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Hi, Alex - don't think I've ever given you a low rating before, but I feel this is not your best....
Great stimulus for a poem and the theme is worthwhile, but I believe you have overcooked it. The piece becomes a little repetitive and, for me, a bit preachy.
I think you would do better to cut it in half, show the child's joy in what he sees and not try so hard to 'explain' your point. Even the name should be self-explanatory to most readers....
Steve
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Thanks steve I guess you cannot win them all.
Love to hear from you anytime.
The Auld Yin.
Comment from Sally Carter
This is one of those heartfelt poems that it's tough to be honest about. (I didn't actually listen to your recording, because I prefer to let the words speak for themselves from the page.) But I hope you will understand I give a 3 not to be hurtful, but because I don't believe in telling someone I think their work is excellent when I have reservations.
I think the idea you have chose is inspired. Yes, what a powerful reminder children can give us of the wonder of the world and the pleasure to be found in simple things. We have grown far too clever and cynical, in the main.
My first reservation about this is whether it is suitable for a child. For sure, grown up Pax might appreciate it, but I don't believe many children would tune in to the style. It's really about adult thoughts and misconceptions. To make this appealing to a child I might select some of the things that caught Pax's attention and focus on those, for instance the plastic owl. I know they're considered naff, but I love those big plastic animals you can buy for gardens! Hopefully there's a drop or two of Pax spirit in me, though I probably wouldn't dare buy one. Or would I? Got me thinking...
Also the fish would be a great impression to focus on.
Whoever this is aimed at, since you have rhymed it, I would seriously recommend tightening up the meter. I am guessing this might work perfectly well in performance, just as song lyrics can look wonky on paper and work fine when sung, but the average reader will be hearing this in his own voice, which probably doesn't work as well as yours.
Alex, I've probably said enough there.
To reiterate, nothing I say is intended to hurt, but I hope some of my thoughts might be helpful in honing this poem to achieve its best potential.
Kind regards
Sally
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reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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This is one of those heartfelt poems that it's tough to be honest about. (I didn't actually listen to your recording, because I prefer to let the words speak for themselves from the page.) But I hope you will understand I give a 3 not to be hurtful, but because I don't believe in telling someone I think their work is excellent when I have reservations.
I think the idea you have chose is inspired. Yes, what a powerful reminder children can give us of the wonder of the world and the pleasure to be found in simple things. We have grown far too clever and cynical, in the main.
My first reservation about this is whether it is suitable for a child. For sure, grown up Pax might appreciate it, but I don't believe many children would tune in to the style. It's really about adult thoughts and misconceptions. To make this appealing to a child I might select some of the things that caught Pax's attention and focus on those, for instance the plastic owl. I know they're considered naff, but I love those big plastic animals you can buy for gardens! Hopefully there's a drop or two of Pax spirit in me, though I probably wouldn't dare buy one. Or would I? Got me thinking...
Also the fish would be a great impression to focus on.
Whoever this is aimed at, since you have rhymed it, I would seriously recommend tightening up the meter. I am guessing this might work perfectly well in performance, just as song lyrics can look wonky on paper and work fine when sung, but the average reader will be hearing this in his own voice, which probably doesn't work as well as yours.
Alex, I've probably said enough there.
To reiterate, nothing I say is intended to hurt, but I hope some of my thoughts might be helpful in honing this poem to achieve its best potential.
Kind regards
Sally
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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You cannot hurt an auld geezer that easily but thanks for the novel
The Auld Yin.
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Maybe I went on too long, but don't think it's easy writing an honest critique. If you want to keep score on hurt feelings it's 1-0 to you. Have no fear, I shan't bother you again.
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No please do not disappear I welcome good critique . My only gripe would be the 3 stars. I think 4 stars would be right for someone who a least tries.3 stars is not any encouragement to beginners and certainly not to an auld relic like me.I think I also made the mistake of making the category Children. I did not mean it to be read by "Children" and I have now made it "Family";my stupid mistake!!!sorry but thanks! Anyhow Bonny Lass we all have our views and I respect your rights.
The hurt feelings score now reads: 0-0 in my Auld humble way.
Take care and happy hunting:)
The Auld Yin.
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Thank you for that Alex. These ***** stars cause so much friction. Let's shake hands and draw a veil over this exchange. I appreciate your reply.
S
Comment from Eigle Rull
Being a grandfather of a young boy, I can relate to this piece. I think it is very well written in the descriptions and the rhyming. But the flow was off for me. That's my only gripe about this beautifully worded piece. Other than the flow, I think this piece was excellent.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Being a grandfather of a young boy, I can relate to this piece. I think it is very well written in the descriptions and the rhyming. But the flow was off for me. That's my only gripe about this beautifully worded piece. Other than the flow, I think this piece was excellent.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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The flow is intended to be understood along with the narration.
Thanks for your encouragement.
The Auld Yin.
Comment from Cajungirl
Beautifully done. Enjoy it tremendously. The words seem to fully describe the picture. Make sure that a keepsake copy of this poem is kept for your wee boy. Children grow up so fast and sometimes they forget just how precious they are to us. God Bless
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reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Beautifully done. Enjoy it tremendously. The words seem to fully describe the picture. Make sure that a keepsake copy of this poem is kept for your wee boy. Children grow up so fast and sometimes they forget just how precious they are to us. God Bless
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Thanks Bonny lass for your encouragement.
The Auld Yin.
