Death at the Mall
final minutes in 500 words27 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
I have to say.....I wish I had had a say in this vote...this really was/is a compelling piece of writing!! I read it with bated breath, all the while thinking...."yeah, I bet that's the way it goes" and oddly, although the cause of her dying was graphically clear....somehow, that was only of glancing importance...it was her flow of consciousness that mattered.
Seriously....great write!
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
  |
I have to say.....I wish I had had a say in this vote...this really was/is a compelling piece of writing!! I read it with bated breath, all the while thinking...."yeah, I bet that's the way it goes" and oddly, although the cause of her dying was graphically clear....somehow, that was only of glancing importance...it was her flow of consciousness that mattered.
Seriously....great write!
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
Thanks for your generous display of stars and kind words. All the stories that were qualified and placed in the 'Story of the Month' are well crafted and very worthy of reading.
Comment from Jean Lutz
First of all congratulations on the successful reception of this writing. Almost as if by design as I read this account, I am listening to the television set in the background. Another shooting -- this time at a Naval facility in Washington, D.C. I spent more than ten years working and living inside the beltway. Two of my three sons were born in military hospitals in that area. Events like this was rare then -- although it was the sixties and the wind was beginning to change. Your words remind that these events are far too common now. You also give plenty of soul food to ponder. Well done.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
 |
First of all congratulations on the successful reception of this writing. Almost as if by design as I read this account, I am listening to the television set in the background. Another shooting -- this time at a Naval facility in Washington, D.C. I spent more than ten years working and living inside the beltway. Two of my three sons were born in military hospitals in that area. Events like this was rare then -- although it was the sixties and the wind was beginning to change. Your words remind that these events are far too common now. You also give plenty of soul food to ponder. Well done.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
While not the navy incident, I was inspired to write this my the number of senseless slaughter of innocent people in schools, malls and bases. I took the perspective that I didn't care what the killer's motivation or agenda. This was my life bleeding out and then I began to write. Thanks.
Comment from Bina1
What an excellent story, thanks for sharing. The last line threw me a curve, not sure what it meant. Good luck in the contest, a really fine entry you offer here.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
|
What an excellent story, thanks for sharing. The last line threw me a curve, not sure what it meant. Good luck in the contest, a really fine entry you offer here.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
-
to me the last line was a hopeless cry...sort of ...if it ends like this--a meaningless death--did my life matter?
-
Thank you so much for the answer, I always wonder what the person in charge of the story thinks...great write, really enjoyed it.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
WOW! THIS one gets my vote for sure! Powerful, awesome, imaginative in its stark darkness, and, sadly, appropriate for the time in which we live.
Such wonderful phrases, such as: a warm sticky puddle of lost dreams... sure hope this is the winner!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
|
WOW! THIS one gets my vote for sure! Powerful, awesome, imaginative in its stark darkness, and, sadly, appropriate for the time in which we live.
Such wonderful phrases, such as: a warm sticky puddle of lost dreams... sure hope this is the winner!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
-
Well aren't you sweet in such generous praise and coming from a writer of your immense talent it's doubly sweet. Thank you,ingrid
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
This is a fictional piece and until we've experienced something we really don't know what we will think and feel. I've never tried writing fiction but you made it very realistic. Tag teaming for a few minutes. Good job. God loves you and so do We.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
|
This is a fictional piece and until we've experienced something we really don't know what we will think and feel. I've never tried writing fiction but you made it very realistic. Tag teaming for a few minutes. Good job. God loves you and so do We.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
-
That's very true--no one really knows, but like method acting, I actually put myself in this position, imagined it and then wrote about the cascade of emotions I felt.
Comment from forestport12
This was powerful. When did I miss this? What makes this exceptional is how you understated narrator's voice, allowing the reader to feel the confusion, th e blindness, the sounds. Simple is best. And for example when you say the Wheels are turning, this is vivid. I saw that flash in my mind and felt her life ebb. Powerful message about what we value in life and if we could see how our day would end. I think you may have a winner. This is short but riveting and resonates with me as one of the best. Isn't it funny, how I bet this didn't take long, probably like a writer who sits down and strings together a song in a few hours. I bet you just let this flow. Stan
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
|
This was powerful. When did I miss this? What makes this exceptional is how you understated narrator's voice, allowing the reader to feel the confusion, th e blindness, the sounds. Simple is best. And for example when you say the Wheels are turning, this is vivid. I saw that flash in my mind and felt her life ebb. Powerful message about what we value in life and if we could see how our day would end. I think you may have a winner. This is short but riveting and resonates with me as one of the best. Isn't it funny, how I bet this didn't take long, probably like a writer who sits down and strings together a song in a few hours. I bet you just let this flow. Stan
Comment Written 09-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
-
You know, it did. I am amazed at how so many stories of mine seem to write themselves and this was the perfect example.
We've had some senseless mall shootings here, usually gang related and people getting caught in the cross-fire and dying. It occurred to me that with all the media play, once it was announced that it was some gang vendetta nobody gave a damn what knotted their shorts. No one cared what their gripe was. No one asked why. The ultimate outcome was that people died. It was their life, their innocence that was struck down. My mind drifted to last words and how so many people think something profound or heroic escapes their lips with the last breath. My thoughts were that ordinary people die ordinary deaths and this is what came out.
Thanks for the glitter. I always value your opinion and this one I especially like.
Comment from JeffreyStone
So many similar recent incidents make us aware that we can become victims any place, anytime, anywhere. Your poignant thoughts of a dying woman make us wonder what our own thoughts would be if we happened to be the random target of a madman. Well written. I wish you the best in the contest. Jeffrey
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
|
So many similar recent incidents make us aware that we can become victims any place, anytime, anywhere. Your poignant thoughts of a dying woman make us wonder what our own thoughts would be if we happened to be the random target of a madman. Well written. I wish you the best in the contest. Jeffrey
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
-
Thank you very much. Everyone fantasizes about heroic words or some revelation on a death bed, but I am inclined that for the most part a person's ordinary thoughts continue until the end.
Comment from Suzarb
Brilliant. A gripping story told in a voice everyone knows somehow. "Maybe time doesn't count when it's running out." = I LOVE that! Very very well done... thank you for sharing. Its the best story I've read on this site thus far... cant wait for more. Suz.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
|
Brilliant. A gripping story told in a voice everyone knows somehow. "Maybe time doesn't count when it's running out." = I LOVE that! Very very well done... thank you for sharing. Its the best story I've read on this site thus far... cant wait for more. Suz.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
-
Your generosity in feedback is very much appreciated. I don't believe that the average person dies with heroic words on their lips...just the same drift, the same words by which they lived.
-
I believe you are right on that one, my friend. :-)
Comment from Ekim777
Our author has taken on a lofty challenge. We, most of us lead tepid, ordinary lives and the tragedy we face is our own demise or the death of our loved ones. But it all ends with a question that cannot be answered especially as our whole lives are an escape from reality (We feel this reality in our author's writing. Or as old man Freud, puts it; "All life is a detour towards death." People take a predominant role in the post. It flashes through our victim's mind that she will leave other people behind. She will die alone. And of course, everything that was meaningful to date, becomes unreal. Unreality is the malaise of our times. -Ekim777
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
|
Our author has taken on a lofty challenge. We, most of us lead tepid, ordinary lives and the tragedy we face is our own demise or the death of our loved ones. But it all ends with a question that cannot be answered especially as our whole lives are an escape from reality (We feel this reality in our author's writing. Or as old man Freud, puts it; "All life is a detour towards death." People take a predominant role in the post. It flashes through our victim's mind that she will leave other people behind. She will die alone. And of course, everything that was meaningful to date, becomes unreal. Unreality is the malaise of our times. -Ekim777
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
-
How closely you mirror my thoughts as I was writing this story. The thought...Do we live to die or die to live...of course that reflects the promise of an afterlife within the grace of God. Thanks for reading and such a generous review.
Comment from Kingsland
This story line really didn't explain what happened. It just exclaimed on the aftermath of what had accrued. This was a well written story with good imagery in its lines of thought. I enjoyed reading it... John
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
|
This story line really didn't explain what happened. It just exclaimed on the aftermath of what had accrued. This was a well written story with good imagery in its lines of thought. I enjoyed reading it... John
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
-
I tried to take the track that it was a senseless killing--nothing personal--just an innocent bystander in a rampage by some crazed individual in the mall. The shooting was obvious, but the death was personal. Thanks for reading.
