Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "A Hoka Moon, Pt. 2"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
To start with I must say the artwork is awesome. This is an interesting chapter, well written and enjoyable to read. It is building suspense making the reader want to read more~Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2013
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To start with I must say the artwork is awesome. This is an interesting chapter, well written and enjoyable to read. It is building suspense making the reader want to read more~Debbie
Comment Written 03-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my chapter, Debbie. I appreciate it very much! Bev
Comment from Chanphy
This is very well written. You kept me wanting to read more and more. I was eager to see what would happen next. You have done an excellent job of painting a vivid picture in the minds of the readers. This allows them to see what the characters see and experience what they experience.
I found only the error below.
"he'd already concluded he his destined was to be a team player but..."
I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2013
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This is very well written. You kept me wanting to read more and more. I was eager to see what would happen next. You have done an excellent job of painting a vivid picture in the minds of the readers. This allows them to see what the characters see and experience what they experience.
I found only the error below.
"he'd already concluded he his destined was to be a team player but..."
I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much for this gracious and generous review, Chanphy. And I appreciate your choosing to read my chapter.
I had gone into the section you mention recently to edit. Apparently, even when I edit I screw things up -- the story of my life.
Thanks again!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Bev, long time no talk. lol. Another of my chapters. Wow, this serial is getting old and smelly now. I still can't figure what is happening - reckon Father Brian is the culprit. lol. Thanks for another intriguing chapter. You developed Skeets well.
A little gremlin for you.
concluded (he) his destin(ed)[y] was to be
or
concluded he (his)[was] destined (was) to be
Luv jada
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2013
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Hi Bev, long time no talk. lol. Another of my chapters. Wow, this serial is getting old and smelly now. I still can't figure what is happening - reckon Father Brian is the culprit. lol. Thanks for another intriguing chapter. You developed Skeets well.
A little gremlin for you.
concluded (he) his destin(ed)[y] was to be
or
concluded he (his)[was] destined (was) to be
Luv jada
Comment Written 03-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2013
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Hi, Jada. So good to hear from you. Thanks for taking time to read my chapter. I appreciate the support and generosity. The reviewer just before you also has a very sharp eye for spaggies -- the same area. Thanks for letting me know! Hugs, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading your post. You are doing a good job with it.
"There's nothing worse than a shepherd helplessly watching wolves devour his sheep," he thought (thought should be in italics)
Ron scanned it quickly then tipped the page for Skeets to read. (don't need quicly scanned implies quickly)
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2013
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I enjoyed reading your post. You are doing a good job with it.
"There's nothing worse than a shepherd helplessly watching wolves devour his sheep," he thought (thought should be in italics)
Ron scanned it quickly then tipped the page for Skeets to read. (don't need quicly scanned implies quickly)
Comment Written 02-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much, barbara. Spaggies noted! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from JM daSilva
I like your style. It's very easy to understand the scene. I don't read the author's notes or background on purpose because I want to pay attention to every nuance of the sequence of events. I want to picture every move in my mind. I did it here and had no trouble or confusion. To me, that's what makes a writer. There are cop words I hate. They love to ornate the peacock. Do you know what I mean? However, they are all over TV, so I'm giving suggestions regarding narration. In dialogue, I think they are okay, but I'm pointing them out so you can avoid them in the narration.
orange pick-ups****** pickup
, gun**-** nuzzling retiree.
during an ***remove active**** homicide investigation.
Supplementing his own talent for finding the buried track, he'd patiently nurtured official contacts throughout the country---******if you use Word, push cntrl and - and you get a real em dash *********cops,
of six-year-***extra space*** old
When he***remove 'd ***moved from St. Paul to Granite Mountain in the 80's, to accept a position as a homicide detective, he'd already concluded he was destined to be a team player but never its leader***passive voice, too many perfect tenses... he concluded he'd never lead a team*******.
"Not an ounce over, Lolly. I can't stand throwing out the excess *****remove I can't eat***** it's dialogue, so it's acceptable, but you can remove if you want****."
scooped freshy ****fresh***ground beef
"On my way. I'll let you know if I need back-up."*****why would he need backup? It's just a routine investigation******
. A second parishioner of St. Matilde's has been reported missing*****wordy.. is missing***was reported missing***just to avoid compound tenses***.
"
Skeets recognized Father Brian as the person entering the church foyer ahead of him. He hoped the priest was inclined to ignore him******passive wordy the priest ignored him****. He'd rather face the cold eyes of a psycho killer than the soul-probing look***stare sounds better because 'look' could be appearance***** of a priest.
There's nothing worse than a shepherd helplessly watching wolves devour his sheep*****italics*****, he thought.
Together they passed through the church lobby to the Family Center at the rear of the building. Hank Gephart, the janitor, was sitting on a folding chair looking like a de-animated puppet*****I don't get it********. His head rose. When he recognized Father Brian, he shed the tears he'd been holding back. "Father, I swear I didn't leave any of the doors unlocked."******wordy...I swear I'd locked all the doors********
The priest knelt on the floor and rubbed his thumb along Hank's bicep*****weird*****. "I'm certain you did nothing wrong.
Skeets looked to ***at***Ron***comma, additional information****** who nodded.
"That won't be necessary, Father Brian," Skeets said. "An officer is standing by to escort Mr. Gephart home. He'll be keeping a watch on his house until we sort out what's happened here."*******dialogue is okay, I just can't figure out why cops speak like that. TV thing. Those tv scripts are full of that, it's much faster to say.....an officer will escort mr... home....he'll watch his house....********
Ron's voice was pitched low******passive voice The pitch of ron's voice was low*******.
Ron pointed to the CSI and continued, "Mark says the ear's been in formaldehyde for *******an extended period of time****** again, I can't believe it, but cops do talk like that, just the word "long" would suffice*****"
"Please donate these clothes to a worthy charity. Fritz Buell no longer requires ***wordy again, cop jargon, ok, just don't let it go into your narrative... or just say "them"*******their use."
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2013
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I like your style. It's very easy to understand the scene. I don't read the author's notes or background on purpose because I want to pay attention to every nuance of the sequence of events. I want to picture every move in my mind. I did it here and had no trouble or confusion. To me, that's what makes a writer. There are cop words I hate. They love to ornate the peacock. Do you know what I mean? However, they are all over TV, so I'm giving suggestions regarding narration. In dialogue, I think they are okay, but I'm pointing them out so you can avoid them in the narration.
orange pick-ups****** pickup
, gun**-** nuzzling retiree.
during an ***remove active**** homicide investigation.
Supplementing his own talent for finding the buried track, he'd patiently nurtured official contacts throughout the country---******if you use Word, push cntrl and - and you get a real em dash *********cops,
of six-year-***extra space*** old
When he***remove 'd ***moved from St. Paul to Granite Mountain in the 80's, to accept a position as a homicide detective, he'd already concluded he was destined to be a team player but never its leader***passive voice, too many perfect tenses... he concluded he'd never lead a team*******.
"Not an ounce over, Lolly. I can't stand throwing out the excess *****remove I can't eat***** it's dialogue, so it's acceptable, but you can remove if you want****."
scooped freshy ****fresh***ground beef
"On my way. I'll let you know if I need back-up."*****why would he need backup? It's just a routine investigation******
. A second parishioner of St. Matilde's has been reported missing*****wordy.. is missing***was reported missing***just to avoid compound tenses***.
"
Skeets recognized Father Brian as the person entering the church foyer ahead of him. He hoped the priest was inclined to ignore him******passive wordy the priest ignored him****. He'd rather face the cold eyes of a psycho killer than the soul-probing look***stare sounds better because 'look' could be appearance***** of a priest.
There's nothing worse than a shepherd helplessly watching wolves devour his sheep*****italics*****, he thought.
Together they passed through the church lobby to the Family Center at the rear of the building. Hank Gephart, the janitor, was sitting on a folding chair looking like a de-animated puppet*****I don't get it********. His head rose. When he recognized Father Brian, he shed the tears he'd been holding back. "Father, I swear I didn't leave any of the doors unlocked."******wordy...I swear I'd locked all the doors********
The priest knelt on the floor and rubbed his thumb along Hank's bicep*****weird*****. "I'm certain you did nothing wrong.
Skeets looked to ***at***Ron***comma, additional information****** who nodded.
"That won't be necessary, Father Brian," Skeets said. "An officer is standing by to escort Mr. Gephart home. He'll be keeping a watch on his house until we sort out what's happened here."*******dialogue is okay, I just can't figure out why cops speak like that. TV thing. Those tv scripts are full of that, it's much faster to say.....an officer will escort mr... home....he'll watch his house....********
Ron's voice was pitched low******passive voice The pitch of ron's voice was low*******.
Ron pointed to the CSI and continued, "Mark says the ear's been in formaldehyde for *******an extended period of time****** again, I can't believe it, but cops do talk like that, just the word "long" would suffice*****"
"Please donate these clothes to a worthy charity. Fritz Buell no longer requires ***wordy again, cop jargon, ok, just don't let it go into your narrative... or just say "them"*******their use."
Comment Written 01-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2013
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I certainly appreciate the time you took for this review. Some of your suggestions conflict with those I've received from others. The ones I believe have merit, I certainly will have a look at through your eyes. Appreciate your time and opinions on the piece. BTW, the last time I took your suggestion on the cntrl for the spaces, I messed up my home page big time. I think I'll stick with the way I'm using it now. Warm regards, Bev
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You are the author, writingfundimension. I'm just giving you a different view to help you decide what to do. So whatever I say, take with a grain of salt, and thatâ??s what editing is all about. I love it when people say things about what I write, and to me there is no bad thing. I learn all the time. When I'm reading you, I'm learning. I love reading your stuff. I want to learn how to put myself in a copâ??s shoes.
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You've pointed out a continuing problem I have, JM. The thing with passive voice plagues me and I don't always see it. What gets confusing for me is when I get one suggestion from a reviewer and then another opinion from another on the same thing. I'm sure you've had that experience too. So, thanks for the help and for caring enough to share. It appears you have a strong interest in the metaphysical based on your novel. I don't find too many folks like that on this site. And excuse me for getting a bit snarly LOL. Not as confident as I'd like to be at times.
Warm regards, Bev
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I never felt you got snarly at all. I love anything connected to the supernatural and metaphysical, so my books will concentrate on that. However, they wonâ??t be like most on the market. I'm glad you like this subject too.
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Hey, that's good, JM. You might say I'm obsessed with supernatural, so I'm delighted you're willing to tackle the subject. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Bev,
This chapter is an interesting continuation of the previous one. There is action at the Catholic Church when a human ear, and a bank box were found. The suspense is elevated; the ear was in formaldehyde for an extended period. In the bank box were a man's clothing and a note stating that Fritz Buell would no longer need them.
Skeets tells the priest not to jump to conclusions...this could be a diversion; however, he doesn't believe it. It is an interesting read, and I look forward to the next chapter.
I didn't see any glaring SPAG.
Until next time,
Curtis
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Bev,
This chapter is an interesting continuation of the previous one. There is action at the Catholic Church when a human ear, and a bank box were found. The suspense is elevated; the ear was in formaldehyde for an extended period. In the bank box were a man's clothing and a note stating that Fritz Buell would no longer need them.
Skeets tells the priest not to jump to conclusions...this could be a diversion; however, he doesn't believe it. It is an interesting read, and I look forward to the next chapter.
I didn't see any glaring SPAG.
Until next time,
Curtis
Comment Written 01-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Hi, Curtis. Thanks for taking time to read and review. I appreciate it! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the grisly discovery of the ear is investigated and they open the larger box to reveal clothes and a note from the killer. i've been anxiously waiting for another chapter and you gave it to me today.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the grisly discovery of the ear is investigated and they open the larger box to reveal clothes and a note from the killer. i've been anxiously waiting for another chapter and you gave it to me today.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Thank you, kind lady. I'm getting another one ready -- getting hints that I need to give a glimpse of who the killer is.
I so appreciate your gracious, generous review, sweet.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Cornelius2000
I'm getting into this story late, but enjoyed this chapter nevertheless. The characters come across as real, and the dialogue writing is excellent. "Skeets Epstein" strikes me as a very curious name, with the first and last names not "going together," sort of like "Olaf McAndrew," or "Gustav O'Brien." But the important thing is that it's a good story, and it moves forward at a good pace.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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I'm getting into this story late, but enjoyed this chapter nevertheless. The characters come across as real, and the dialogue writing is excellent. "Skeets Epstein" strikes me as a very curious name, with the first and last names not "going together," sort of like "Olaf McAndrew," or "Gustav O'Brien." But the important thing is that it's a good story, and it moves forward at a good pace.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much, Dave. I appreciate you sharing your insights. Hope you're staying warm. Bev
Comment from robina1978
This story keeps on being interesting and thrilling. It is good that this detective works till he drops, kind of. That is what the case need to be solved eventually.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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This story keeps on being interesting and thrilling. It is good that this detective works till he drops, kind of. That is what the case need to be solved eventually.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Hi, Ine. Thank you for taking time to review so graciously. I appreciate your support very much! Warmest regards, Bev
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Most welcome, Ine
Comment from Tina55
Great storytelling, Bev. You've developed quite an eye for detail. I also admire your balance of character development, action, and scene setting...it really drives the intrigue!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Great storytelling, Bev. You've developed quite an eye for detail. I also admire your balance of character development, action, and scene setting...it really drives the intrigue!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 01-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2013
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Tina, thank you so much for your generous and encouraging review. I so appreciate you sharing your insights, something I especially enjoy coming from you. Hugs, Bev
