Short
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Food Court"Shorter stories
21 total reviews
Comment from juliaSjames
Identical twins except in the weight department. I didn't see that coming. Although it's clear there was a close relationship of some kind. Dialogue is pretty good, but a bit stilted in places. considering the insults being hurled around like, I was going to write like confetti. But it's probably more like glass beads at Mardi Gras.
Their dialogue is also great at showing character development. Both of them are flawed. Both addicts.
I didn't fully understand the reference to the pretty priest.
I'll do some more reading and reviewing tomorrow
Stay safe and blessed, Julia
reply by the author on 01-May-2022
  |
Identical twins except in the weight department. I didn't see that coming. Although it's clear there was a close relationship of some kind. Dialogue is pretty good, but a bit stilted in places. considering the insults being hurled around like, I was going to write like confetti. But it's probably more like glass beads at Mardi Gras.
Their dialogue is also great at showing character development. Both of them are flawed. Both addicts.
I didn't fully understand the reference to the pretty priest.
I'll do some more reading and reviewing tomorrow
Stay safe and blessed, Julia
Comment Written 01-May-2022
reply by the author on 01-May-2022
-
Thanks, Julia. The priest reference was a subtle allusion to priest pedophiles.
-
I thought so
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
You certainly pulled the wool over my eyes with this one, Bill. That they were twin sisters was not where I was going. I was waiting for one man to thump the other! Lol. That was clever writing, my friend. I loved how the insults suddenly swung from the 'fat' one to the other one. You are really good at these short stories. I enjoyed this one. :)) Sandra
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
|
You certainly pulled the wool over my eyes with this one, Bill. That they were twin sisters was not where I was going. I was waiting for one man to thump the other! Lol. That was clever writing, my friend. I loved how the insults suddenly swung from the 'fat' one to the other one. You are really good at these short stories. I enjoyed this one. :)) Sandra
Comment Written 27-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
-
Thank you so much, Sandra.
Comment from estory
The counterpoint dialogue reveals the nature of the relationship between these two, as they manipulate and counter manipulate each other. In a sharply rendered dialogue, it is tightly focused, really tightly focused, on these two. I think you could paint in some of the surroundings to give it more of a sense of place, time, and enveloping society. I've spent a decent amount of time in food courts, working in retail. So this piece caught my eye. It is interesting in format, and made me think of Raymond Carver's story Fat from Will You Please Be Quiet Please. I would read that; a masterpiece of contemporary minimalist short story writing. estory
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
|
The counterpoint dialogue reveals the nature of the relationship between these two, as they manipulate and counter manipulate each other. In a sharply rendered dialogue, it is tightly focused, really tightly focused, on these two. I think you could paint in some of the surroundings to give it more of a sense of place, time, and enveloping society. I've spent a decent amount of time in food courts, working in retail. So this piece caught my eye. It is interesting in format, and made me think of Raymond Carver's story Fat from Will You Please Be Quiet Please. I would read that; a masterpiece of contemporary minimalist short story writing. estory
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
-
I wrote this on a short story class in college back in the 90s, We had covered Carver and others, so it?s a likely inspiration.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Bill, first I thought it was a woman and a man talking,but thought that a man wouldn't take such B...S... from a woman however right she might be, and then I thought it was two men, but they couldn't be bothered, until you revealed the gender and that they were siblings. Very cleverly done and I enjoyed the reading. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
|
Hi Bill, first I thought it was a woman and a man talking,but thought that a man wouldn't take such B...S... from a woman however right she might be, and then I thought it was two men, but they couldn't be bothered, until you revealed the gender and that they were siblings. Very cleverly done and I enjoyed the reading. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2018
-
Thanks, Ulla. That was the idea, to fool the reader. Bill
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Man, could I go for a piece of pizza right now? Your story made me hungry and I ate less than fifteen minutes ago. When people tell me I'm fat, I say I'm bulking up for the Olympics. I'm ten pounds away from my event, The 220-pound jerk.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
|
Man, could I go for a piece of pizza right now? Your story made me hungry and I ate less than fifteen minutes ago. When people tell me I'm fat, I say I'm bulking up for the Olympics. I'm ten pounds away from my event, The 220-pound jerk.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
-
With a gold medal you could be a spokesman for Lift.
Comment from nomi338
Only another woman could get away with the kind of attack the one sister launched against the other. If a man were to try such an attack against a woman he would be done for. On the other hand if two men were to tera into each other, I seriously doubt that there would be much drama as men generally do not care what others people think about their weight.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
|
Only another woman could get away with the kind of attack the one sister launched against the other. If a man were to try such an attack against a woman he would be done for. On the other hand if two men were to tera into each other, I seriously doubt that there would be much drama as men generally do not care what others people think about their weight.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
-
That?s why I used gender neutral names to start off.
-
I noticed that. Clever guy.
Comment from Gloria ....
Ha, what a most entertaining circular discussion between two entirely different, but not really, people. The vegetarian jogging Les and the pizza eating fuse.
The insults are fast and furious and entertaining as each defense becomes another round of attacks.
Most enjoyable script as a food court is the in place to go.
Gloria
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
|
Ha, what a most entertaining circular discussion between two entirely different, but not really, people. The vegetarian jogging Les and the pizza eating fuse.
The insults are fast and furious and entertaining as each defense becomes another round of attacks.
Most enjoyable script as a food court is the in place to go.
Gloria
Comment Written 17-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
-
Thanks, Gloria, for the positive review. Bill
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, Bill. What a masterpiece! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Did you choose names that could be either male or female on purpose? I thought two men were talking until their full names appeared near the end. It's not usual for women to speak so coarsely to each other, but of course it DOES happen.
Bravo! I'm saving this one! :)
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
 |
Wow, Bill. What a masterpiece! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Did you choose names that could be either male or female on purpose? I thought two men were talking until their full names appeared near the end. It's not usual for women to speak so coarsely to each other, but of course it DOES happen.
Bravo! I'm saving this one! :)
Comment Written 17-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
-
Thanks, Phyllis. That is high and humbling praise and I appreciate your bookmarking it. I did choose gender neutral names to add surprise at the reveal. I thought it was funny getting judged at the food court.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow -- an interesting piece. I enjoyed the truthful banter and the indictments from each...wonder how many of those conversations actually occur today...? :)
Thanks for sharing...
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
|
Wow -- an interesting piece. I enjoyed the truthful banter and the indictments from each...wonder how many of those conversations actually occur today...? :)
Thanks for sharing...
Comment Written 17-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
-
Thanks, Y.
Comment from Insignificant Weed
Let's see if I have this right. These are two sisters, supposedly identical twins, fighting over the dangers of being fat. This may just be my wizened brain, but I had a hard time following who was speaking right from the start. I can picture this as a movie scene or television sitcom scene where you can actually see who is speaking. I really like the give and take. It is "fat shaming" and caring at the same time. That is pretty hard to portray. The author did a good job with this. Compliments on the use of punctuation with all of the dialog. Again, showing my ignorance, I never heard this expression before: "Pretty priest plays, pretty priest pays." - and am having difficulty interpreting it. If you have time to explain that would be great.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
|
Let's see if I have this right. These are two sisters, supposedly identical twins, fighting over the dangers of being fat. This may just be my wizened brain, but I had a hard time following who was speaking right from the start. I can picture this as a movie scene or television sitcom scene where you can actually see who is speaking. I really like the give and take. It is "fat shaming" and caring at the same time. That is pretty hard to portray. The author did a good job with this. Compliments on the use of punctuation with all of the dialog. Again, showing my ignorance, I never heard this expression before: "Pretty priest plays, pretty priest pays." - and am having difficulty interpreting it. If you have time to explain that would be great.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2018
-
Thanks, IW, for giving this a look. This was originally written to exclude speaker tags. I felt, at the time, that the identity of each would be defined by attitudes and then by name. I had hoped that their names would be gender neutral and presumed male until revealed. ?Pretty priest plays, pretty priest pays? refers to a suggested blackmailing of a young, handsome priest who has had sex with one or both of them.
-
Thank you for your insightful response. I am eternally grateful.
