Metaphorical Seas
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Out on some borderline - VI"a series of blank impressions
22 total reviews
Comment from Maria C.
Wow, Phill! This is right up there with your Andalusia. Great opening lines. Amazing rhythm with your meter. Very descriptive wording as you tell the story. Excellent internal rhyme with branded/stranded. Wonderful use of alliteration and conconance throughout. Beautiful imagery in so many lines. I especially like..."Where wrack and driftwood tangle in the shale" and "She skirts along the water's hem of lace." I like how your first line is also suited for the last line.
I have given some six star ratings but this is the kind of work that really deserves a six and sets a whole new standard in my rating system.
Good luck in the contest. I think you'll win this one, Phill.
Blessings,
Maria C.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2012
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Wow, Phill! This is right up there with your Andalusia. Great opening lines. Amazing rhythm with your meter. Very descriptive wording as you tell the story. Excellent internal rhyme with branded/stranded. Wonderful use of alliteration and conconance throughout. Beautiful imagery in so many lines. I especially like..."Where wrack and driftwood tangle in the shale" and "She skirts along the water's hem of lace." I like how your first line is also suited for the last line.
I have given some six star ratings but this is the kind of work that really deserves a six and sets a whole new standard in my rating system.
Good luck in the contest. I think you'll win this one, Phill.
Blessings,
Maria C.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2012
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Hello Maria
I am just about to set off to work - and my, my: you have brightened my day!
Thanks for the very thoughtful and considerate review. I am motivated by this. I write so very, very slowly and I never know if something is finished: again, your words are very encouraging.
I wish you well - and I hope you also have a brilliant day...
cheers
phill
Comment from visionary1234
Phil, I haven't read your work before. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? This glorious piece reminds me of a really fine impressionist painting, a blank verse layering of colors and images which saturate my senses. I wanted to copy bits & pieces of "special" phrases & images, but then realized I'd be copying the whole damned lot! yikes!
Blessings on something created which is beautiful!
Best wishes
Sharyn
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2012
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Phil, I haven't read your work before. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? This glorious piece reminds me of a really fine impressionist painting, a blank verse layering of colors and images which saturate my senses. I wanted to copy bits & pieces of "special" phrases & images, but then realized I'd be copying the whole damned lot! yikes!
Blessings on something created which is beautiful!
Best wishes
Sharyn
Comment Written 19-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2012
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Hello Sharyn
I was here, in the corner, didn't you see me?
Thank you so very much for the great encouraging review - I wish you the very best with your own work and I hope you have a brilliant week ahead of you...
Warm regards
phill
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well I must have been asleep in the other corner!!! just sent you a 'fan' request my dear - would love to read more! :)S
Comment from AddrieWritesThings
I love the way this poem flows from beginning to end. It's very structurally sound and well written. The word choice is excellent and it's a very strong piece overall. I think it's a wonderful poem. Great job.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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I love the way this poem flows from beginning to end. It's very structurally sound and well written. The word choice is excellent and it's a very strong piece overall. I think it's a wonderful poem. Great job.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello
Many thanks for this review. I am glad you enjoyed it
I wish you well with your own writing.
Cheers
phill
Comment from hollyinvesuvianite
phill,
I am so happy that I had a six to give you for this marvelous piece. I do like the blank verse format as well. Loved all the imagery that you created with the sea and the woman which makes it seem like she is being enclosed and then released. Great alliteration and metaphors throughout. Great work and good luck in the contest!
Your friend, Holly
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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phill,
I am so happy that I had a six to give you for this marvelous piece. I do like the blank verse format as well. Loved all the imagery that you created with the sea and the woman which makes it seem like she is being enclosed and then released. Great alliteration and metaphors throughout. Great work and good luck in the contest!
Your friend, Holly
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello Holly
Me, me too - I am also glad you had a six in the bottom of your bag. I thank you Holly: and yes, 'enclosed and then released' is a very good phrase.
You know, I wish you well with your writing too
Cheers Holly - have a great week
phill
Comment from Gloria ....
Phill Doran this is beyond exceptional -- it is perfect in every way. And I am in love with the blank verse form. There is not one single wasted or coerced word - each one a meticulous brushstroke, saturating depth and layers with intense, rich tones, shadows and substance. I won't even attempt to bring out my favourite passages as I relished them all. Very well, well done.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Phill Doran this is beyond exceptional -- it is perfect in every way. And I am in love with the blank verse form. There is not one single wasted or coerced word - each one a meticulous brushstroke, saturating depth and layers with intense, rich tones, shadows and substance. I won't even attempt to bring out my favourite passages as I relished them all. Very well, well done.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello there
Phew!
I really am at a loss here - 'thanks' is a bit trivial but that really is about it. (...OK, here, I have this one chocolate biscuit I have left over from earlier, go on, you have it: after what you said, I'm too full anyway...)
Thank you for the encouraging words and positive feedback - I have read several of your reviews of other people's work and you are a very generous and thoughtful reviewer, I will give you a star...
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
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That is very kind of you phill. I am rather fond of chocolate biscuits and it's just the thing whilst taking a break from clearing the yard of fallen leaves. I am also most appreciative for the star. You are a brilliant writer and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment from juliedickson55
Nicely done.
Lovely, lazy day of beaches, water and sand...
the oily bodies, the sun and waves.
I like the descriptive lines:
"splayed in torrents, thick with foam"
"water's hem of lace
as pearls of perspiration "
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Nicely done.
Lovely, lazy day of beaches, water and sand...
the oily bodies, the sun and waves.
I like the descriptive lines:
"splayed in torrents, thick with foam"
"water's hem of lace
as pearls of perspiration "
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello there
Thanks for the reading and the encouraging response.
I appreciate both and I wish you well
cheers
phill
Comment from rama devi
Kudos...this is magnificent!
A rhythmic slap and slither rasps the shore
and rolls along a curved, tanned hip of sand
where branded, stranded bathers beach beneath
their tilted, striped umbrellas - tracking light
like flowers in full bloom; exotic sprays.
WOW! Exceptional writing with superb phonetics of internal rhyme, alliteration, assonance and consonance to make this musically appealing as well as descriptively delicious. Rolls off the tongue read aloud.
In this opening, every line is eloquent and superb!
Their bodies wink a message, moist in oils,
like beacons, buoys of shipwrecked men-of-war
aground on shards of guilt, deceit and lies.
Superb alliteration on B and word choice-imagery!
She watches children crab along far rocks
where wrack and driftwood tangle in the shale,
and thoughts to leave return, much like a tide;
a steady pulse of little form which ends
in thunder, splayed in torrents, thick with foam.
WOW! Richly nuanced in imagery, phonetics, emotional overtones and meaning. BRAVO! Superb enjambement and flow as well~
Beside her, sunk in dreams, her traitor falls
and rises on the ebb and flow of sleep,
adrift beneath her shadow as she stands.
I love how you continue the sea-like verbs and word choices...pitch perfect tangential application in this superb poetic tapestry!
She skirts along the water's hem of lace
as pearls of perspiration track her breast
nice inversion of imagery here too...skirts...lace, pearls...subtle personification. Well done!
and slanted footprints weep, dissolve to sand;---outstanding line!
diminished sails incline on inert waves.---ditto!
Where seabirds drape the sky like open books
a borderline exists, the world divides;
a cross-road on a journey without maps(--)
and taking stock, she turns to face the sea.
Well voiced and paced and worded...note one spag suggestion (above)
The lazy skies are bloated, full of day---superb personification
and streaked with broken reefs of barren clouds--ditto
as she descends, accepts the lapis mouth LOVE THAT Unique --lapis mouth!
of azure tongues which lick her heels, her thighs.--superb extended metaphor!
Like lust, the waters lap, engulf her heart, - good simile
rise up, conceal her throat, absolve her eyes
'til lungs concede, inhale; resolved, all while
a rhythmic slap and slither rasps the shore.
Superb cadence in the closing--coda-like, somehow.
This is truly outstanding, high-caliber writing. I suggest you submit it for a seal of quality with other poems collected into a book.
bravo.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Kudos...this is magnificent!
A rhythmic slap and slither rasps the shore
and rolls along a curved, tanned hip of sand
where branded, stranded bathers beach beneath
their tilted, striped umbrellas - tracking light
like flowers in full bloom; exotic sprays.
WOW! Exceptional writing with superb phonetics of internal rhyme, alliteration, assonance and consonance to make this musically appealing as well as descriptively delicious. Rolls off the tongue read aloud.
In this opening, every line is eloquent and superb!
Their bodies wink a message, moist in oils,
like beacons, buoys of shipwrecked men-of-war
aground on shards of guilt, deceit and lies.
Superb alliteration on B and word choice-imagery!
She watches children crab along far rocks
where wrack and driftwood tangle in the shale,
and thoughts to leave return, much like a tide;
a steady pulse of little form which ends
in thunder, splayed in torrents, thick with foam.
WOW! Richly nuanced in imagery, phonetics, emotional overtones and meaning. BRAVO! Superb enjambement and flow as well~
Beside her, sunk in dreams, her traitor falls
and rises on the ebb and flow of sleep,
adrift beneath her shadow as she stands.
I love how you continue the sea-like verbs and word choices...pitch perfect tangential application in this superb poetic tapestry!
She skirts along the water's hem of lace
as pearls of perspiration track her breast
nice inversion of imagery here too...skirts...lace, pearls...subtle personification. Well done!
and slanted footprints weep, dissolve to sand;---outstanding line!
diminished sails incline on inert waves.---ditto!
Where seabirds drape the sky like open books
a borderline exists, the world divides;
a cross-road on a journey without maps(--)
and taking stock, she turns to face the sea.
Well voiced and paced and worded...note one spag suggestion (above)
The lazy skies are bloated, full of day---superb personification
and streaked with broken reefs of barren clouds--ditto
as she descends, accepts the lapis mouth LOVE THAT Unique --lapis mouth!
of azure tongues which lick her heels, her thighs.--superb extended metaphor!
Like lust, the waters lap, engulf her heart, - good simile
rise up, conceal her throat, absolve her eyes
'til lungs concede, inhale; resolved, all while
a rhythmic slap and slither rasps the shore.
Superb cadence in the closing--coda-like, somehow.
This is truly outstanding, high-caliber writing. I suggest you submit it for a seal of quality with other poems collected into a book.
bravo.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello
I have sent you a PM
...and a box of low-calorie virtual chocolates
phill
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Hee hee--gobbled 'em up in an instant with relish....LOL
Sent a pm back, dear phill...
Where in Africa do you live? I know one Borundian word: Amahoru!
Comment from cvcopac
You slipped the poor soul into the water while we enjoyed the scenery; I never felt the pain and only seen the degenerate beauty of the beach in expert description. cvc
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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You slipped the poor soul into the water while we enjoyed the scenery; I never felt the pain and only seen the degenerate beauty of the beach in expert description. cvc
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello there
Thanks for the positive review.
You know, it is never a solution, but she was content with a compromise.
You wouldn't have liked her anyway, not your type
Cheers - good luck with your own work
phill
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I admire resolution in a body.
Comment from Sally Carter
I waited till this morning, Phill, when I knew the fresh supplies of 6s would have arrived.
Wonderful, superb writing. For me this is right up at the top of any poetry I have found on FS, and also within your own portfolio.
Just those first two lines had me totally captivated - the tanned hip of sand. Fantastic.
The bodies winking a message, "wrack and driftwood tangle", the traitor falling and rising on the ebb and flow of sleep, the footprints that weep, like lust the waters lap.
This is one I know I shall remember, like the Moonstone and Andalusia.
It's got to win this contest and if not, poem of the month - preferably both!
Sally
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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I waited till this morning, Phill, when I knew the fresh supplies of 6s would have arrived.
Wonderful, superb writing. For me this is right up at the top of any poetry I have found on FS, and also within your own portfolio.
Just those first two lines had me totally captivated - the tanned hip of sand. Fantastic.
The bodies winking a message, "wrack and driftwood tangle", the traitor falling and rising on the ebb and flow of sleep, the footprints that weep, like lust the waters lap.
This is one I know I shall remember, like the Moonstone and Andalusia.
It's got to win this contest and if not, poem of the month - preferably both!
Sally
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello Sally
I can only thank you. That is not much of a return for the great support you are - but if I am writing better, it is perhaps because I think sometimes people may be reading deeper now.
Again, your words mean a great deal, my thanks indeed.
phill
(oh, and the cheque is in the post)
Comment from ameen786
Hello Phil, my friend, a marvel of a poem you penned with lovely imagery in excellent phrasings loaded with superb alliteration reflecting the poet's wonderful talent and eloquence; good luck!
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello Phil, my friend, a marvel of a poem you penned with lovely imagery in excellent phrasings loaded with superb alliteration reflecting the poet's wonderful talent and eloquence; good luck!
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Hello Ameen
Many thanks for your continued kindness. I wish you well with your own words and poetry.
Warm regards
phill
