Dan
Just a little imagination, that's all a child needs.3 total reviews
Comment from steevie
The first line, to use few words as possible and still get your thought across is essential in writing.
example:
The day they put the horse in the field, I must have been seven, or I might have been eight.
... I must have been seven (or eight.)
secured the field for (this) horse's pasture.
it has already been established which horse is being spoken about
Dan was the horse's name(, by the way). Leave out
in reading your story, I found many areas where you could tighten up the word usage.
Every morning, well every school morning that is, replace with, Every school morning,
I think you get the idea. I know that sometimes extra mind 'blurbs' or thoughts sounds good on paper, but not so for the reader.
an fasinating story though
keep going and never give up!
steve
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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The first line, to use few words as possible and still get your thought across is essential in writing.
example:
The day they put the horse in the field, I must have been seven, or I might have been eight.
... I must have been seven (or eight.)
secured the field for (this) horse's pasture.
it has already been established which horse is being spoken about
Dan was the horse's name(, by the way). Leave out
in reading your story, I found many areas where you could tighten up the word usage.
Every morning, well every school morning that is, replace with, Every school morning,
I think you get the idea. I know that sometimes extra mind 'blurbs' or thoughts sounds good on paper, but not so for the reader.
an fasinating story though
keep going and never give up!
steve
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the editing suggestions. I will not be making the amendments you suggest, but,all the same, I am grateful for you making them. Most of your suggestions detract from the style I was aiming for, which is that of an older man reflecting about his childhood. "I must have been seven, or I might have been eight," isn't meant to be a precise statement but part of a narrated story. If read aloud, it flows, and is repeated later. Sometimes, you have to imagine you are telling a story, the way that Granddad's do.
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No worries, Philip.
You write your story as you see fit, and I suppose your approach to the narration is understandable to me now.
A forgetful older mind would readily speak as you have.
Makes perfect sense now.
All the best in your writing and I will look out for more of your work.
Take care
steve
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Thanks - you won't have to look far - google Philip Catshill for links to my novels and paintings ... and yes, I am that oldie!
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will do, Philip
steve
Comment from GeorgieBoy
An excellent portrayal of a boy child that is seven, maybe eight! I wanted to hug him and kiss his tears away. I could find no fault with the narrative. Perhaps you might shorten the sentence that begins: They probably weren't either, I don't know whether she did, but our solemn procession returned to the class with Richard holding his hand on his ear bellowing loudly. Somehow, the skip had left his step.
Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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An excellent portrayal of a boy child that is seven, maybe eight! I wanted to hug him and kiss his tears away. I could find no fault with the narrative. Perhaps you might shorten the sentence that begins: They probably weren't either, I don't know whether she did, but our solemn procession returned to the class with Richard holding his hand on his ear bellowing loudly. Somehow, the skip had left his step.
Well done!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Thank you for these five stars. Your suggestion was taken on board and the sentence broken up a little. I was aiming for, which is that of an older man reflecting about his childhood, and your suggestion didn't conflict with this image. Thanks
Comment from Scribbler67
A lovely, well-told perceptive story, poignant and full of emotion. Obvious care taken with SPAG, the sign of a conscientious writer.
Some paragraphing for ease of reading would have added the final touch.
Most enjoyable, it brought a smile to my face. Very 'Awww' worthy.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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A lovely, well-told perceptive story, poignant and full of emotion. Obvious care taken with SPAG, the sign of a conscientious writer.
Some paragraphing for ease of reading would have added the final touch.
Most enjoyable, it brought a smile to my face. Very 'Awww' worthy.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Thank you for those wonderful five stars. I've tried to reformat the typing following the guidelines on the enhanced editor. Some have worked, a few have not. Love to hear that "Awww" sound! Have you ever read Granddad's Treasure which I put on the site some time ago?
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Hey, sorry, Granddad's treasure isn't in my portfolio. I'll add it later.
