Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "A Mato Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
I will continue to read more in the morning. I don't want to have nightmares. Great chapter, great story. Nighty night for now.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
  |
I will continue to read more in the morning. I don't want to have nightmares. Great chapter, great story. Nighty night for now.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
-
Really appreciate your generous review, Joy. :0) Bev
Comment from Doc Holiday
I'm wondering who informed Darcy of her aunt's death, or did she just hear about it on the news. And also why would the killer take a collectible item, like the cross and leave others, like the coin collection behind.
Nice tight chapter, short and sweet!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2012
|
I'm wondering who informed Darcy of her aunt's death, or did she just hear about it on the news. And also why would the killer take a collectible item, like the cross and leave others, like the coin collection behind.
Nice tight chapter, short and sweet!
Comment Written 04-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2012
-
I like them short and sweet, too, Doc. The reason for the pictures and cross being taken is crucial to the thinking of the killer. Thanks again, my friend. Appreciate your time and support. Bev
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev,
Another good chapter, and I love 'In the old days before nurses were indistinguishable from the cleaning people.' Isn't that the truth? I rememeber when nurses dressed in white and wore caps. Now you wonder who's a nurse and who isn't!
Hugs, Lois
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
|
Hi Bev,
Another good chapter, and I love 'In the old days before nurses were indistinguishable from the cleaning people.' Isn't that the truth? I rememeber when nurses dressed in white and wore caps. Now you wonder who's a nurse and who isn't!
Hugs, Lois
Comment Written 18-May-2012
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
-
Hi, Lois. You're the only one to get the irony of that statement. I remember those days, too.
Thanks for the great review, my friend. I appreciate the support.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Anisa-
Another very well written chapter, Bev. You have such perfect timing with your writing. Not too fast and not too slow. Just enough for the reader to catch on, stay interested and move forward.
I loved your description of the niece. It was quite funny.
Great work!
Anisa
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
|
Another very well written chapter, Bev. You have such perfect timing with your writing. Not too fast and not too slow. Just enough for the reader to catch on, stay interested and move forward.
I loved your description of the niece. It was quite funny.
Great work!
Anisa
Comment Written 18-May-2012
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
-
Thanks so much, Anisa. Your words of encouragement mean a great deal to me! I really appreciate your generosity and support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from missy98writer
Bev,
Chapter nine is comming along splendidly written with wonderful imagery. It appears your plot is getting juicer than a ripe peach. Your dialogue is good. I immensely enjoy your great narrative voice, excellent detailed writing and very fine characterization.
Comments: I would gladly recommend chapter nine to other reviewers. I look forward to reading further chapters. Keep on writing entertaining stories and please have a blessed day, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
|
Bev,
Chapter nine is comming along splendidly written with wonderful imagery. It appears your plot is getting juicer than a ripe peach. Your dialogue is good. I immensely enjoy your great narrative voice, excellent detailed writing and very fine characterization.
Comments: I would gladly recommend chapter nine to other reviewers. I look forward to reading further chapters. Keep on writing entertaining stories and please have a blessed day, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 18-May-2012
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
-
Hi, Melissa. Thank you so much for your wonderful review and support. I really appreciate you taking time to read my chapter and offer such kind words of encouragement! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Ashley Scott
I can only speak for this chapter, but I found your story engaging and easy to follow. I can tell there's a lot going on which makes for all kinds of interesting character/plot dynamics. Your dialogue was very believable and I especially like how you didn't boggle down the read with escessive dialogue tags or character descriptions. You wrote just enough in this chapter for me to clearly get a glimpse of your characters and simply enjoy the flow of this murder mystery in progress. I didn't spot anything that stood out in the grammar other than one suggestion below:
"...she lowered her mirror in time to see her object of her interest exit his car."
A bit too many "hers" here. Messes with the pace of the read. Perhaps:
"...she lowered her mirror in time to see her object of interest exit his car."
That's all I've got,
Ash
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
|
I can only speak for this chapter, but I found your story engaging and easy to follow. I can tell there's a lot going on which makes for all kinds of interesting character/plot dynamics. Your dialogue was very believable and I especially like how you didn't boggle down the read with escessive dialogue tags or character descriptions. You wrote just enough in this chapter for me to clearly get a glimpse of your characters and simply enjoy the flow of this murder mystery in progress. I didn't spot anything that stood out in the grammar other than one suggestion below:
"...she lowered her mirror in time to see her object of her interest exit his car."
A bit too many "hers" here. Messes with the pace of the read. Perhaps:
"...she lowered her mirror in time to see her object of interest exit his car."
That's all I've got,
Ash
Comment Written 18-May-2012
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
-
Thank you for your great review, Ash. Your suggestion is appreciated, sometimes I don't see the obvious so I'm glad when others do. Hope to hear from you again. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from guinea
Very good writing. I enjoyed reading it. I could picture the scene perfsctly. Spag, "the object of her interest" I loved the description of "creeping Crab Legs". Good job.
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
|
Very good writing. I enjoyed reading it. I could picture the scene perfsctly. Spag, "the object of her interest" I loved the description of "creeping Crab Legs". Good job.
Comment Written 18-May-2012
reply by the author on 18-May-2012
-
Thank you, guinea. I really appreciate your interst and generous review! Hope you stop by again sometime. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Kate Walker
Hi Bev,
This one is short and sweet. The writing is clear and the pacing spot on. Everything works fine, though I have a couple of queries / suggestions to make.
Instead of the abstract statement 'the car's exterior warning system', I'd have preferred a visual statement something like 'the car's siren and flashing lights'. 'Flashing lights' I can see, 'exterior warning system' I can't see.
In Par 2 - Again, I'd have liked a more descriptive word or phrase to replace 'detective' in the statement: 'a dispute among detectives working ...' By necessity you have to use the word 'detective' often, and you've got a lot of characters the word applies to, and in this instance it didn't give me a picture of any particular group. You could use something as simple as: 'a dispute among the troops working...' See what you think.
The old cold coffee incident is a good light diversion and insight into Oleson, and keeps us interested while you clarify the murder for us again. You do this so well!
In Par 3 - 'His call to Father Brian...' I know the 'his' in this statement applies to the killer, 'the killer' being the last personal noun used, in fact immediately before. But I've read this twice and both time I assumed the statement meant Oleson's phone call to Fr Brian, not the killer's phone call. I presume it's because Oleson has made more recent calls than the one call from the killer.
In the sentence: "In the old days before nurses were indistinguishable from the cleaning people, I would have said such a thing was impossible" did you mean 'impossible' or 'possible'? 'Possible' seems more logical.
A query on the following: 'The Coroner's response was unintelligible...' Is Bloomquist the actual coroner? I thought he was a forensic pathologist working for the coroner's office.
Great intro on the flaky Darcy Shaw. She's not at all the character I expected for the niece. Nice surprise. And a good contrast to Jana. Plenty of plot hooks all the way through. Big ticks. Hope this helps.
Cheers, Kate
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
|
Hi Bev,
This one is short and sweet. The writing is clear and the pacing spot on. Everything works fine, though I have a couple of queries / suggestions to make.
Instead of the abstract statement 'the car's exterior warning system', I'd have preferred a visual statement something like 'the car's siren and flashing lights'. 'Flashing lights' I can see, 'exterior warning system' I can't see.
In Par 2 - Again, I'd have liked a more descriptive word or phrase to replace 'detective' in the statement: 'a dispute among detectives working ...' By necessity you have to use the word 'detective' often, and you've got a lot of characters the word applies to, and in this instance it didn't give me a picture of any particular group. You could use something as simple as: 'a dispute among the troops working...' See what you think.
The old cold coffee incident is a good light diversion and insight into Oleson, and keeps us interested while you clarify the murder for us again. You do this so well!
In Par 3 - 'His call to Father Brian...' I know the 'his' in this statement applies to the killer, 'the killer' being the last personal noun used, in fact immediately before. But I've read this twice and both time I assumed the statement meant Oleson's phone call to Fr Brian, not the killer's phone call. I presume it's because Oleson has made more recent calls than the one call from the killer.
In the sentence: "In the old days before nurses were indistinguishable from the cleaning people, I would have said such a thing was impossible" did you mean 'impossible' or 'possible'? 'Possible' seems more logical.
A query on the following: 'The Coroner's response was unintelligible...' Is Bloomquist the actual coroner? I thought he was a forensic pathologist working for the coroner's office.
Great intro on the flaky Darcy Shaw. She's not at all the character I expected for the niece. Nice surprise. And a good contrast to Jana. Plenty of plot hooks all the way through. Big ticks. Hope this helps.
Cheers, Kate
Comment Written 17-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
-
Hi, Kate. Thank you so much for your time in reviewing so thoroughly. I really appreciate your suggestions and have integrated most of them to better effect. Your generosity and support are really appreciated, kind lady. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from gifted$1
I will have to go back and read the former chapters. I always like to do that because it gives me something to compare to, and also catches me up on a good story such as this! I like what I saw here..the characters seem well defined and the storyline is swiftly moving. The only question I had was, do you need to capitalize coroner? I think if it was a title like 'Coroner Smith' then you would, but if you are simply using the word, I think it is lowercase. I think..:) Again, nice job, I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
|
I will have to go back and read the former chapters. I always like to do that because it gives me something to compare to, and also catches me up on a good story such as this! I like what I saw here..the characters seem well defined and the storyline is swiftly moving. The only question I had was, do you need to capitalize coroner? I think if it was a title like 'Coroner Smith' then you would, but if you are simply using the word, I think it is lowercase. I think..:) Again, nice job, I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 17-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
-
Thank you, gifted$1. I'll take a look at the capitalized C. Someone else mentioned it and I guess I missed one. Thank you for your sharp eye and generous reveiew. Hope to hear from you again. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from abbasjoy
The plot thickens. I wonder if Jana happens to be the person who leaked the information?
The story continues to hold the reader's attention with the suspense and intrigue of wondering who really is the murderer?
The conversation is very well done and so is the description of Debra Paget's niece.She doesn't seem too distraught about her aunt's death.
Good job. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
|
The plot thickens. I wonder if Jana happens to be the person who leaked the information?
The story continues to hold the reader's attention with the suspense and intrigue of wondering who really is the murderer?
The conversation is very well done and so is the description of Debra Paget's niece.She doesn't seem too distraught about her aunt's death.
Good job. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
-
Thank you so much, abbasjoy, for reading this chapter and sending along your generous review. I really appreciate the support.
-
You are very welcome.
