Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 58 "part one, Chapter 18"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
70 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Oh man this is almost where I came in. I had to know what the heck got all this drama started. Now I'm even more vested in the story. Anna has got to make it through this, though I know in real life that often isn't the case. Oh man this is deep.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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Oh man this is almost where I came in. I had to know what the heck got all this drama started. Now I'm even more vested in the story. Anna has got to make it through this, though I know in real life that often isn't the case. Oh man this is deep.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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Thank you.
Comment from nora arjuna
hi bab, looks like anna isn't over her problems yet. i was hoping to read the happy part. :)
check some suggestions:
He searched his phone for a number. [When he found it], he pressed the key. - not needed.
He searched his phone for a number and pressed the key.
"Hi, Dad." [After he listened for a few moments], he said, "I'm leaving now." - He listened for a few moments, then said
After parking, he walked inside and called his dad. - you use 'After' quite often. Try to vary the sentences. This way will also make them more active:
He parked, walked inside and called his dad.
just want to mention about 'he listened' part, which you use often too, if we're in paul's POV, we should be able to hear the person speaking at the other end.
"It's obvious he knows you. Maybe you can calm him." [He] handed the child over. - use 'The officer' here to be clearer on character's reference.
"Giga is his word for grandpa. - I'm not sure if at this stage, paul has time or even think of explaining this. it sounds like he's having a normal conversation instead of being in a stressed state.
[After] watching Michael leave, Paul walked closer
He watched Michael leave, then walked....
hope those help.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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hi bab, looks like anna isn't over her problems yet. i was hoping to read the happy part. :)
check some suggestions:
He searched his phone for a number. [When he found it], he pressed the key. - not needed.
He searched his phone for a number and pressed the key.
"Hi, Dad." [After he listened for a few moments], he said, "I'm leaving now." - He listened for a few moments, then said
After parking, he walked inside and called his dad. - you use 'After' quite often. Try to vary the sentences. This way will also make them more active:
He parked, walked inside and called his dad.
just want to mention about 'he listened' part, which you use often too, if we're in paul's POV, we should be able to hear the person speaking at the other end.
"It's obvious he knows you. Maybe you can calm him." [He] handed the child over. - use 'The officer' here to be clearer on character's reference.
"Giga is his word for grandpa. - I'm not sure if at this stage, paul has time or even think of explaining this. it sounds like he's having a normal conversation instead of being in a stressed state.
[After] watching Michael leave, Paul walked closer
He watched Michael leave, then walked....
hope those help.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Sad, but true how often this happens. And even when it doesn't, the fear of it is there. I again am so glad you are addressing this issue in such a well written manner~Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Sad, but true how often this happens. And even when it doesn't, the fear of it is there. I again am so glad you are addressing this issue in such a well written manner~Debbie
Comment Written 22-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from Anthony Crosbie
This is a gripping story. You write beautifully and I was drawn into the story as the tension and drama grew. The dialog is very real and I feel that you have gave every section a lot of thought to ensure authenticity. I look forward to reading more; you finished on a bit of a cliffhanger!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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This is a gripping story. You write beautifully and I was drawn into the story as the tension and drama grew. The dialog is very real and I feel that you have gave every section a lot of thought to ensure authenticity. I look forward to reading more; you finished on a bit of a cliffhanger!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from shy1250
Incredibly progress you've made; I had just read Chapter 3 when I decided to take a break from writing, and now you're up to 18, and you've kept the authentic flavor you started with--kudos! I saw no errors or suggestions I could make; u seem 2 be producing here pretty well independantly. later and God bless, shy
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Incredibly progress you've made; I had just read Chapter 3 when I decided to take a break from writing, and now you're up to 18, and you've kept the authentic flavor you started with--kudos! I saw no errors or suggestions I could make; u seem 2 be producing here pretty well independantly. later and God bless, shy
Comment Written 22-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello once again Barbara
This is quite an engaging chapter here again. These kinds of crooks are a threat to society to allow them back on the streets is insane. Great usage of verbs and adjectives. Great chapter. Looking forward to 59
Bear
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Hello once again Barbara
This is quite an engaging chapter here again. These kinds of crooks are a threat to society to allow them back on the streets is insane. Great usage of verbs and adjectives. Great chapter. Looking forward to 59
Bear
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jonesy
Good writing and good dialogue, especially the dialogue. Seemed believable and fit the story. No SPAG either, so all in all a well written chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Good writing and good dialogue, especially the dialogue. Seemed believable and fit the story. No SPAG either, so all in all a well written chapter.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rheabug
I can't help but to give you a six on this chapter. I admire you so much for writing about this problem of spousal abuse. Thank you for sharing with us fanstorians. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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I can't help but to give you a six on this chapter. I admire you so much for writing about this problem of spousal abuse. Thank you for sharing with us fanstorians. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and the support.
Comment from eliz100
This was a good read from beginning to end, as usual. It sure left me with the need to keep reading to see what happens next.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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This was a good read from beginning to end, as usual. It sure left me with the need to keep reading to see what happens next.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from june bug
I loved how you moved the story along with plenty of good dialogue. Also you grabbed the readers attention right away which kept me reading on. Fantastic writing. The artwork was quite an addition to this chapter as well. Abuse is never okay and I would love to read more about how Anna breaks free from the chains of abuse. Excellent job on this. All the best to you.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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I loved how you moved the story along with plenty of good dialogue. Also you grabbed the readers attention right away which kept me reading on. Fantastic writing. The artwork was quite an addition to this chapter as well. Abuse is never okay and I would love to read more about how Anna breaks free from the chains of abuse. Excellent job on this. All the best to you.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You are welcome. This writing deserves it. Best regards.
