Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Secret Chamber"Case Studies of Hauntings
54 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Great chapter, I'm still catching up but really enjoying the read. You put us right their with Mia as we hold our breath and watch the evil Charles Bellingham. Really enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Great chapter, I'm still catching up but really enjoying the read. You put us right their with Mia as we hold our breath and watch the evil Charles Bellingham. Really enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Thanks so much, Pearl. :) Bev
Comment from w.j.debi
Looks like the tunnel theory is correct. And Satanic rituals and torture? Yikes! This Charles Bellingham was a seriously bad dude and he is growing stronger over time?
You create vivid scenes and interesting characters, Bev.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Looks like the tunnel theory is correct. And Satanic rituals and torture? Yikes! This Charles Bellingham was a seriously bad dude and he is growing stronger over time?
You create vivid scenes and interesting characters, Bev.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Thanks so very much. I appreciate your taking the time, my friend.
:) Bev
Comment from bookishfabler
"I hear the woman's death rattle now. Her head falls back--her eyes are open and staring--but her spirit won't leave.
I want to help her understand it's okay to leave,
This may be my new computer screen, but the two sentences should be in one paragraph. From "spirit won't leave..." to "I want to help..."
Wow, I like this new editor. Anyway. Nice seeing your work again. I have not been in FS for a while. I need to check in more frequently. Great story. I feel a little Taps going on, which I love. Great job.
Hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 21-May-2015
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"I hear the woman's death rattle now. Her head falls back--her eyes are open and staring--but her spirit won't leave.
I want to help her understand it's okay to leave,
This may be my new computer screen, but the two sentences should be in one paragraph. From "spirit won't leave..." to "I want to help..."
Wow, I like this new editor. Anyway. Nice seeing your work again. I have not been in FS for a while. I need to check in more frequently. Great story. I feel a little Taps going on, which I love. Great job.
Hugs Heidi
Comment Written 21-May-2015
reply by the author on 21-May-2015
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Hi, Heidi. Thanks so much for taking time to read my chapter. It's great to get your insights, as always. I'll be sure to check on that section. Sometimes, between Word and the site, things get goofed up.
Glad to see you back on FanStory, too. Looking forward to reading your posts.
:) Bev
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I hope I can be here more. I own my own business now and the hours fly away. Haven't written in a long timr
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I hope you can, too, but you sound like a very busy lady. :) Bev
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Yes lately , nice being able to come back and see people from the past still writing.
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Yes lately , nice being able to come back and see people from the past still writing.
Comment from amahra
Hmm...spooky, spooky; I love it. Great job with Mia's possesion of the 'tell all' spirit. It was very realistic seeing the murder through her eyes. Great descriptive writing and natural dialogue.
reply by the author on 10-May-2015
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Hmm...spooky, spooky; I love it. Great job with Mia's possesion of the 'tell all' spirit. It was very realistic seeing the murder through her eyes. Great descriptive writing and natural dialogue.
Comment Written 10-May-2015
reply by the author on 10-May-2015
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Hi, Amahra. Thank you very much for this really generous review. I appreciate the encouragement.
:) Bev
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
'Stay away from the lake house, Catherine.' Who says this? Sorry, Bev, maybe I am missing something that I covered in a previous chapter. I am very interested in this story as I've never had anything to do with ghosts, though I am convinced there is a spiritual life after death. Six stars for the difficulty of the writing, Giddy
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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'Stay away from the lake house, Catherine.' Who says this? Sorry, Bev, maybe I am missing something that I covered in a previous chapter. I am very interested in this story as I've never had anything to do with ghosts, though I am convinced there is a spiritual life after death. Six stars for the difficulty of the writing, Giddy
Comment Written 09-May-2015
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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Hi, Giddy. Thank you for your insights into that section. I will take a look at it again, but it does refer back to the opening sequence of the novel, and is Catherine Bellingham's maid. Still, it may be confusing for others too. Thanks for appreciating the writing by your stellar review.
:) Bev
Comment from seaglass
It's been a very long time since one of these chapters popped up in my messages. I had forgotten about this novel. I can't imagine surviving the emotional stress of a medium. At least now they know the kind of power they are dealing with.
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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It's been a very long time since one of these chapters popped up in my messages. I had forgotten about this novel. I can't imagine surviving the emotional stress of a medium. At least now they know the kind of power they are dealing with.
Comment Written 09-May-2015
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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So good to hear from you! I've re-posted the early chapters, such as this one, but you are absolutely correct that a long time has passed since the original was posted - three years or so!
Thanks so much for taking time to review. I appreciate your support and encouragement.
:) Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Great descriptions. You have me on the edge of my seat. I really enjoyed reading this. I can't believe I missed it the first time around. Definitely my mistake.
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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Great descriptions. You have me on the edge of my seat. I really enjoyed reading this. I can't believe I missed it the first time around. Definitely my mistake.
Comment Written 09-May-2015
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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Thank you so much, Barbara. I'm really honored by your generosity and encouragement.
I wrote the original about three years ago, and it was before I really got to know a lot of
writers on the site. And I've a learned a thing or two about writing since then, I like to think.
So nice to be supported by a fellow writer I admire.
:) Bev
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Hello again, Bev. It's been a long while. Wow! What a chapter. It sent shivers down my spine, quite literally. Your description of Catherine's poor maid's demise was graphic and riveting. I could see it all so clearly in my mind's eye.
May I offer a few humble suggestions?
'...but her mind said leave it.' I think you either need to put 'leave it' into italics to indicate a thought, or '...but her mind told her to leave it.' The latter would be my choice. Two extra words but sometimes they're just needed.
' She realized the weight of the camera(,) coupled with the way she was shaking from the cold(,) might cause picture blurring.' If you take away the middle phrase, the sentence still makes sense, so the commas are required.
'...as if doing so would urge it to re-group.' Hmm. Re-group? Perhaps 'behave'?
'Putting aside her disappointment, Emma grasped onto a positive angle in the situation.' This is a little awkward. Perhaps, '...Emma grasped the only positive element of the situation.'
'Whatever is up in that room has her in its grip, she thought.' The thought should be italicized, to keep consistency with the rest of the story.
'...and would never forget the way that Mia clawed at her hands.' 'That'not required.
Thanks, Bev. Hope you don't mind the suggestions. You are framing a wonderfully intriguing story here.
Anthony
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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Hello again, Bev. It's been a long while. Wow! What a chapter. It sent shivers down my spine, quite literally. Your description of Catherine's poor maid's demise was graphic and riveting. I could see it all so clearly in my mind's eye.
May I offer a few humble suggestions?
'...but her mind said leave it.' I think you either need to put 'leave it' into italics to indicate a thought, or '...but her mind told her to leave it.' The latter would be my choice. Two extra words but sometimes they're just needed.
' She realized the weight of the camera(,) coupled with the way she was shaking from the cold(,) might cause picture blurring.' If you take away the middle phrase, the sentence still makes sense, so the commas are required.
'...as if doing so would urge it to re-group.' Hmm. Re-group? Perhaps 'behave'?
'Putting aside her disappointment, Emma grasped onto a positive angle in the situation.' This is a little awkward. Perhaps, '...Emma grasped the only positive element of the situation.'
'Whatever is up in that room has her in its grip, she thought.' The thought should be italicized, to keep consistency with the rest of the story.
'...and would never forget the way that Mia clawed at her hands.' 'That'not required.
Thanks, Bev. Hope you don't mind the suggestions. You are framing a wonderfully intriguing story here.
Anthony
Comment Written 09-May-2015
reply by the author on 09-May-2015
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Thanks much for your review and suggestions, Antoine. I really appreciate you taking time to read this
chapter.
:) Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. I can't remember reading this story earlier? Sorry about that. Your imagery is great in this as always though. Great description and detail.
"A half-moon, restrained by heavy clouds, provided negligible ambient light. The headlights of the van illuminated the courtyard, but the direction of its beams offered little help. I'll use flash and pray it makes a difference. She realized the weight of the camera coupled with the way she was shaking from the cold might cause picture blurring."
I wish you well posting this for another time, Bev. Bob
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Hi, Bev. I can't remember reading this story earlier? Sorry about that. Your imagery is great in this as always though. Great description and detail.
"A half-moon, restrained by heavy clouds, provided negligible ambient light. The headlights of the van illuminated the courtyard, but the direction of its beams offered little help. I'll use flash and pray it makes a difference. She realized the weight of the camera coupled with the way she was shaking from the cold might cause picture blurring."
I wish you well posting this for another time, Bev. Bob
Comment Written 08-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Hi, Bob. Thanks so much for the lovely review. I really appreciate your support and encouragement.
Please wish Lynie a Happy Mother's Day for me. Hope you have a great weekend.
:) Bev
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Lynie says thanks so much, Bev. Hugs from both of us....Bob
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XXOO
Comment from --Turtle.
Her hands searched for the bag's familiar outline,
I paused here. The writing is sound, thankfully on par with grammar and spelling, active verbs, and a mostly stable third person pov. This is the first bit I've read, so I'm adjusting to the voice of the writer, but something about this sentence struck home with me. I related to this sentence as a writer who may not want to get caught echoing, ie ... She ... She ... She, to break up the pattern of paragraph starts, but I also wondered about misuse of disembodied body parts. She is the one searching, not her hands. Now, don't take this to mean I'm saying it should change... I'm looking at this sentence like a mirror. Searching on a whole 'nother level of musings on its effectiveness? Is it a noticeable to me as a reader, not just as a writer who tries not to do it. The answer is outside my peripheral vision. I'm not sure if you get what I mean, but maybe you do. The sentence is a style dilemma that I'm trying to come to terms with. Here nor there, I get what is being implied... Emma is using her hands to grope for a bag, but in that sentence she is disconnected from them.
Her hand reached for an extra lens, but her mind said leave it.
(In this case, her hand is purposefully disconnected, as a point. So, again, I am examining the effectiveness of the use past and present. I thought it was effective here, because of that sense of disconnection from her extremities is purposeful. But all the time, as a style of thought, I don't know.)
The night's chill, coupled with the nervous shake of her hands, would cause picture blurring.
(careful, the way it's worded implies that cold air causes blurry pictures. I think you mean that the cold air will cause more shaking, but there's a very subtle undertone of separation. I understand what is implied, though.)
The hair rose on her arms as she realized she had a dead battery.
(Ah the effect of fanstory... the word 'was' is forever banned. •?? right? She can't realize the battery was dead. So instead, we push sentences into a round-about way of saying 'as she realized the battery was dead. Or had died. 'as she realized the battery had died.' --- had a dead battery is awkwardly phrased-- Also another area I'm bouncing back and forth with. I like the imagery, I can really relate to your writing style because I might construct a sentence the exact same way and then have this internal struggle of yes and no. Other things I thought about were shorter sentences to increase the pace for the effect of anxiety, and the ever illusive 'What happens first and second? What causes what? How many times are we allowed to use 'this happened as that happened' before it starts to draw attention to itself.
What in the world? I know I charged it [up] before we left Bangor. (Delete 'up'. It's just an extra word, unneeded)
Emma turned her attention back to the camera and scowled at it
(Ha! I'm starting to think our brains work the same. I can't put my finger on how to describe this sentence... but it's the exact way I would want to write it. There's a 'round-about' path the thought takes to say ... Emma scowled down at her camera.... We feel the need to take the reader by the hand 'cause we know she was looking at the window, and then she was looking at the camera... and we don't want to leap and allow the reader to make the connection that her head moved without explaining so. But really, they will understand. We don't trust the reader to follow along. I noticed this happen a few times through the chapter. Someone we have to balance the pace with keeping the writing tight. If everything is tight, the scene gets choppy. If we explain every detail, the sentences get wordy. Finding the middle ground is like throwing darts at a dartboard. Dang frustrating work, I say. Something for you to consider though. Do you have to explain that her head moved, or is it clear enough that the action happening cannot happen without the movement already implied.
slung it over her shoulder and [turned to face] (faced?) the huddled figures
Jim's Suv (SUV).
[Her fleeting impression of] Jim was of a large, well-muscled man who towered over Mike and Luke.
(I often struggle with allowing myself to just state an inner impression of a secured POV instead of stating that it's an impression. Emma is clearly looking at these guys, do you need to say that Jim being a large man is her impression? I don't know.
Witnessing Mia's agony made the rest of the team further protective of their gentle friend.
Further protective or should it be more protective?
sure she [had](kept) a digital voice recorder nearby during their investigations.
The dialog has interesting dilemmas in how it unfolds. I like the imagery, and yet am hesitant to accept the style 100%, I feel the descriptions given are believable, and at the same time a cheat around expository dialog. Sometimes over the top, but also drawing in the unfolding scene.
He's speaking to me, and I feel his twisted desire trying to pull me forward."
(Ha! This I do have to call out. Twisted desire is over the top. What about I'm drawn to him? Or something more subtle. How does she know it's his twisted desire pulling her forward, verse just wanting to go to him."
a deep, ragged sigh issued from Mia's lungs
(reconsider the word issued?)
Grasping her friend's arm, she said,
POV hop? Are we supposed to be in the medium's POV or Emma's? Emma wouldn't think herself as her friend's.
I enjoyed reading and thinking through this chapter, hopefully some of my inner musings on the effectiveness of the writing style applied are helpful.
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Her hands searched for the bag's familiar outline,
I paused here. The writing is sound, thankfully on par with grammar and spelling, active verbs, and a mostly stable third person pov. This is the first bit I've read, so I'm adjusting to the voice of the writer, but something about this sentence struck home with me. I related to this sentence as a writer who may not want to get caught echoing, ie ... She ... She ... She, to break up the pattern of paragraph starts, but I also wondered about misuse of disembodied body parts. She is the one searching, not her hands. Now, don't take this to mean I'm saying it should change... I'm looking at this sentence like a mirror. Searching on a whole 'nother level of musings on its effectiveness? Is it a noticeable to me as a reader, not just as a writer who tries not to do it. The answer is outside my peripheral vision. I'm not sure if you get what I mean, but maybe you do. The sentence is a style dilemma that I'm trying to come to terms with. Here nor there, I get what is being implied... Emma is using her hands to grope for a bag, but in that sentence she is disconnected from them.
Her hand reached for an extra lens, but her mind said leave it.
(In this case, her hand is purposefully disconnected, as a point. So, again, I am examining the effectiveness of the use past and present. I thought it was effective here, because of that sense of disconnection from her extremities is purposeful. But all the time, as a style of thought, I don't know.)
The night's chill, coupled with the nervous shake of her hands, would cause picture blurring.
(careful, the way it's worded implies that cold air causes blurry pictures. I think you mean that the cold air will cause more shaking, but there's a very subtle undertone of separation. I understand what is implied, though.)
The hair rose on her arms as she realized she had a dead battery.
(Ah the effect of fanstory... the word 'was' is forever banned. •?? right? She can't realize the battery was dead. So instead, we push sentences into a round-about way of saying 'as she realized the battery was dead. Or had died. 'as she realized the battery had died.' --- had a dead battery is awkwardly phrased-- Also another area I'm bouncing back and forth with. I like the imagery, I can really relate to your writing style because I might construct a sentence the exact same way and then have this internal struggle of yes and no. Other things I thought about were shorter sentences to increase the pace for the effect of anxiety, and the ever illusive 'What happens first and second? What causes what? How many times are we allowed to use 'this happened as that happened' before it starts to draw attention to itself.
What in the world? I know I charged it [up] before we left Bangor. (Delete 'up'. It's just an extra word, unneeded)
Emma turned her attention back to the camera and scowled at it
(Ha! I'm starting to think our brains work the same. I can't put my finger on how to describe this sentence... but it's the exact way I would want to write it. There's a 'round-about' path the thought takes to say ... Emma scowled down at her camera.... We feel the need to take the reader by the hand 'cause we know she was looking at the window, and then she was looking at the camera... and we don't want to leap and allow the reader to make the connection that her head moved without explaining so. But really, they will understand. We don't trust the reader to follow along. I noticed this happen a few times through the chapter. Someone we have to balance the pace with keeping the writing tight. If everything is tight, the scene gets choppy. If we explain every detail, the sentences get wordy. Finding the middle ground is like throwing darts at a dartboard. Dang frustrating work, I say. Something for you to consider though. Do you have to explain that her head moved, or is it clear enough that the action happening cannot happen without the movement already implied.
slung it over her shoulder and [turned to face] (faced?) the huddled figures
Jim's Suv (SUV).
[Her fleeting impression of] Jim was of a large, well-muscled man who towered over Mike and Luke.
(I often struggle with allowing myself to just state an inner impression of a secured POV instead of stating that it's an impression. Emma is clearly looking at these guys, do you need to say that Jim being a large man is her impression? I don't know.
Witnessing Mia's agony made the rest of the team further protective of their gentle friend.
Further protective or should it be more protective?
sure she [had](kept) a digital voice recorder nearby during their investigations.
The dialog has interesting dilemmas in how it unfolds. I like the imagery, and yet am hesitant to accept the style 100%, I feel the descriptions given are believable, and at the same time a cheat around expository dialog. Sometimes over the top, but also drawing in the unfolding scene.
He's speaking to me, and I feel his twisted desire trying to pull me forward."
(Ha! This I do have to call out. Twisted desire is over the top. What about I'm drawn to him? Or something more subtle. How does she know it's his twisted desire pulling her forward, verse just wanting to go to him."
a deep, ragged sigh issued from Mia's lungs
(reconsider the word issued?)
Grasping her friend's arm, she said,
POV hop? Are we supposed to be in the medium's POV or Emma's? Emma wouldn't think herself as her friend's.
I enjoyed reading and thinking through this chapter, hopefully some of my inner musings on the effectiveness of the writing style applied are helpful.
Comment Written 08-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Thank you very much for your in-depth review. Like your style!
Most of what you suggest makes very good sense to me. The rest is just a difference in our viewpoints.
All-in-all a terrific review. Thanks for the support.
:) WFD
