You're Out!
38 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Gayle:)
It is easy to see why this story was a contest winner. It is pure Noir fiction, my favorite genre. I realize Noir meaning dark or black source is most often used as Film Noir, but I see most good fiction in a pictorial way. I can feel myself sitting in a movie theater with a box of popcorn, as Bella creeps down the hall toward the dangerous intruder.
The whole action sequence is incredible. From the time Dennis burst through the door, until Peggy shot him, I held my breath.
This shows how a writer with a good imagination can take almost any prompt an build an exciting story. That's why I don't think any prompt is boring and benign. Only a poor or unimaginative writer end up with boring result.
I know this story was three years old, but it was new to me.
Until now, I only saw your writing in the Fan Story Forum. Now I know what I was missing. You have my love and Irish Hugs for great entertainment.
Roger
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2014
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Hi Gayle:)
It is easy to see why this story was a contest winner. It is pure Noir fiction, my favorite genre. I realize Noir meaning dark or black source is most often used as Film Noir, but I see most good fiction in a pictorial way. I can feel myself sitting in a movie theater with a box of popcorn, as Bella creeps down the hall toward the dangerous intruder.
The whole action sequence is incredible. From the time Dennis burst through the door, until Peggy shot him, I held my breath.
This shows how a writer with a good imagination can take almost any prompt an build an exciting story. That's why I don't think any prompt is boring and benign. Only a poor or unimaginative writer end up with boring result.
I know this story was three years old, but it was new to me.
Until now, I only saw your writing in the Fan Story Forum. Now I know what I was missing. You have my love and Irish Hugs for great entertainment.
Roger
Comment Written 03-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2014
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Hey Roger! When I saw the review sign up this morning - it's been at least six months since I last posted - I thought, wonder which chapter it'll be! This is one of my faves. This is a middle chapter of a book I wrote called Something Wicked. Tell ya what! Do you have an eBook thingy? If you do, I'd be delighted to send you my books! Not the kids books, horses and such, but this mystery series. They're free to us, and I think you and Marilyn will like them. Just get me your email address and you'll be reading!
Thanks so much for the sixer, the wonderful breakfast surprise - your review went so well with my coffee.
Best love and Irish hugs right back my friend! Hugs also to Marilyn!
Gayle
Comment from Lovinia
An exciting chapter and well done with your contest win. Dennis got off lightly, though I can't imagine he would be phased by prison. In a way, he existed rather than lived.
Minimum dialogue in this chapter, however used very effectively at hey points.
Wonderfully descriptive and succinct, the reader knew clearly what was going on in all the action and excitement. Dennis raised to strike and hissing like a cat at Bella painted a vivid picture of the man's final moments as the interaction with the dogs took his attention from Peggy who proceeded with the death shot.
Kindest Regards. :) Lovinia xoxo
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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An exciting chapter and well done with your contest win. Dennis got off lightly, though I can't imagine he would be phased by prison. In a way, he existed rather than lived.
Minimum dialogue in this chapter, however used very effectively at hey points.
Wonderfully descriptive and succinct, the reader knew clearly what was going on in all the action and excitement. Dennis raised to strike and hissing like a cat at Bella painted a vivid picture of the man's final moments as the interaction with the dogs took his attention from Peggy who proceeded with the death shot.
Kindest Regards. :) Lovinia xoxo
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2011
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Hi Lovinia,
Wow, what a wonderful review. I can't thank you enough for the fabulous comments. I'm so glad you liked this one. We're almost finished. Hope you come back for the conclusion.
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
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Hi Gayle
My pleasure, it was a very exciting chapter.
I have to find out what happens.
Hugs - :) Lovinia xoxo
Comment from Diny
Excellant chapter i caught this one because of the win!- WOW- really great action and I was soooo mad when he hit the dogs!- glad i could get on line for a wee bit tonight- Oh and FYI- I did you a review on amazon! hugs- Di
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2011
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Excellant chapter i caught this one because of the win!- WOW- really great action and I was soooo mad when he hit the dogs!- glad i could get on line for a wee bit tonight- Oh and FYI- I did you a review on amazon! hugs- Di
Comment Written 29-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2011
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Hi Di,
Whoa, haven't seen this one out in a while! And a sixer! Thank you so very much, you're so appreciated. And you went to Amazon as well? I'll have to run right over there and see. Blind Trust, I take it?
Thank you so much for all the support and wonderful comments. I truly appreciate them ... and you! :)
Hugs,
gayle
Comment from Risicam510
I liked the story and its nonstop action.
No grammatical errors were found nor mis-spelled words.
I thought too many characters were introduced in such a short amount of time. I was confused as to who was who. It felt as though you were rushing to get your characters introduced without properly introducing them. Some revisions are needed, but the storyline was good.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I liked the story and its nonstop action.
No grammatical errors were found nor mis-spelled words.
I thought too many characters were introduced in such a short amount of time. I was confused as to who was who. It felt as though you were rushing to get your characters introduced without properly introducing them. Some revisions are needed, but the storyline was good.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I know, it's hard to come into a book for the first time at chapter 21 and expect to be up to speed on the characters and what's going on. Naturally, I couldn't begin to reintroduce characters that all the regular readers know and have known since chapter one. You can imagine how damaging that would be to the novel.
Thanks for stopping by,
GayleOMG, a sixer! Wow, than
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Ooops, that reference to the sixer was for the next review! Sorry about that!
Comment from Genuine Suede
Very deserving to be the contest winner. Congratulations! That was a lot of well described action in a very brief time frame, nicely orchestrated and perfectly believable. Now it can start all over again. :0) Nice job!
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Very deserving to be the contest winner. Congratulations! That was a lot of well described action in a very brief time frame, nicely orchestrated and perfectly believable. Now it can start all over again. :0) Nice job!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Hey GS,
Thanks for the wonderful comments and congrats. I so appreciate them. Hope I've piqued your interest enough for you to come back again!
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Minglement
Well, what a fast-paced, action packed story continuation. Great description and dialogue to carry us hurriedly throught the scene. You managed to make your chapter work for a contest entry, not always an easy task. Your win and as many sixes as will fit in your bouquet of stars are well deserved! Wish I had one to give you. The plot begins to sicken. Well done and congrats! Marcia
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2011
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Well, what a fast-paced, action packed story continuation. Great description and dialogue to carry us hurriedly throught the scene. You managed to make your chapter work for a contest entry, not always an easy task. Your win and as many sixes as will fit in your bouquet of stars are well deserved! Wish I had one to give you. The plot begins to sicken. Well done and congrats! Marcia
Comment Written 12-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2011
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Hey Maracia, thank you so much!
So glad you liked that one. When the sentence prompt came up I just couldn't resist. I'm glad I didn't.
Thanks so much for the fine comments, big hugs and grins,
Gayle
Comment from nora arjuna
hi there, congrats on the win. i planned to enter this but a story never came to my mind. thought i'd check the winner.
i have a little comment:
these two, besides being the same descriptions, are used quite close to one another:
knocking the stunned dog backward.
stunning the dog and knocking her down
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2011
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hi there, congrats on the win. i planned to enter this but a story never came to my mind. thought i'd check the winner.
i have a little comment:
these two, besides being the same descriptions, are used quite close to one another:
knocking the stunned dog backward.
stunning the dog and knocking her down
Comment Written 12-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2011
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Hi Arjuna,
You are absolutely right..two 'stunned' that close together, not good. Thannks for calling that to my attention. When the sentence prompt came up I thought, man, I can't pass this up. Glad I didn't, and so very glad you stopped by for a read.
Have a great weekend,
Gayle
Comment from missy98writer
showtimebook,
your story titled You're Out! for The Sentence Starts The Story contest is an excellent entry in the contest. your story is very written an enjoyable read. Excellent narrative, very good dialogue and great descriptive writing cap off your crime fiction. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. Your paint a bloody picture in this story. I wish you good luck in the contest.
Missy.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2011
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showtimebook,
your story titled You're Out! for The Sentence Starts The Story contest is an excellent entry in the contest. your story is very written an enjoyable read. Excellent narrative, very good dialogue and great descriptive writing cap off your crime fiction. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. Your paint a bloody picture in this story. I wish you good luck in the contest.
Missy.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2011
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Hi Missy,
Sorry it took so long to reply but I was away for a little mini-vacation.
Thank you so much for the great comments and fine review and the good wishes in the contest.
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Veekz
Oh and the story doesn't end there...! Very nicely done with a great build up and the vengeful sister at the end? Brilliant! :)
Really like the detail on this line:
Dennis barreled through the door, driving the knob into the wall behind it.
-having that part about the doorknob being driven into the wall really helps paint the scene for your reader :)
Only one suggestion I can think of:
He hit the button and the blade shot from the front of the stiletto, quick, efficient and deadly; ten inches of lethal intent.
-this line seems like it has too many commas and they take away from the impact a little. May I suggest:
He hit the button and the blade shot from the front of the stiletto - quick, efficient and deadly; ten inches of lethal intent.
Other then that - fab story! :)
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2011
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Oh and the story doesn't end there...! Very nicely done with a great build up and the vengeful sister at the end? Brilliant! :)
Really like the detail on this line:
Dennis barreled through the door, driving the knob into the wall behind it.
-having that part about the doorknob being driven into the wall really helps paint the scene for your reader :)
Only one suggestion I can think of:
He hit the button and the blade shot from the front of the stiletto, quick, efficient and deadly; ten inches of lethal intent.
-this line seems like it has too many commas and they take away from the impact a little. May I suggest:
He hit the button and the blade shot from the front of the stiletto - quick, efficient and deadly; ten inches of lethal intent.
Other then that - fab story! :)
Comment Written 03-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2011
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Hey Veekz,
Sorry it took so long to get back. I've been in LA for a long weekend!
I can't thank you enough for the fine comments and rating. Both are so appreciated, thank you. Hope to see you back for the next chapter!
Best,
Gayle
Comment from dmjones
I was sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time. This was tense, suspenseful and and interesting to read. Well done. I didn't find a thing I would change and I certainly think you have a chance to win the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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I was sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time. This was tense, suspenseful and and interesting to read. Well done. I didn't find a thing I would change and I certainly think you have a chance to win the contest.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hey Donna,
Thanks for the great comments and your support. It's really important to me!
Hugs,
Gayle
