Mayflowers and Mud Puddles
A little boy loves his mom27 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Such a wonderful story - full of all the love that a little boy carries in his heart for Mom. It reminded me of my youngest son - who now a whopping 24 still calls me Mommy, and makes sure I know what is going on in his life, and always wants to know what's going on in mine. Well done. ~patty~
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Such a wonderful story - full of all the love that a little boy carries in his heart for Mom. It reminded me of my youngest son - who now a whopping 24 still calls me Mommy, and makes sure I know what is going on in his life, and always wants to know what's going on in mine. Well done. ~patty~
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Hi Patty! Thank you...my son is 22 now, but this was he at this age, well, he couldn't ride quite this young, but almost...Your son sounds a lot like Sam! Wonderful!! Aren't we lucky to have such kids??? Wow. Sam is 22 already...I have the first little bouquet he handed me at one and a half years old in a tiny frame. We were mushroom hunting one spring and he came up to me and handed me them...God, how I wish I could go back to that day. Thank you Patty...bless your son too!! HUGS! Susan
Comment from CodyJack
Susan,
This was very special to me and I enjoyed reading it with a lot of emotion in it. It reminded me of my son, he was a sensitive and kind kid. Keep on writing like this for it touches poeple. Your friend, Cody
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Susan,
This was very special to me and I enjoyed reading it with a lot of emotion in it. It reminded me of my son, he was a sensitive and kind kid. Keep on writing like this for it touches poeple. Your friend, Cody
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Hi Cody! I am very, very happy you like this. My old heart breaks for you my dear friend. I have come close to losing Sam a couple of times...and it is an awful, just awful feeling. Hang in there Cody...With warm wishes! Susan
Comment from alexgardiner
He was much more concerned with avoiding the cracks in the sidewalks.
Memories are made of this Bonny lass.
A pleasure to read.
'where the mayapples and the mushrooms grew'Beautiful picture.
The Auld Yin.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
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He was much more concerned with avoiding the cracks in the sidewalks.
Memories are made of this Bonny lass.
A pleasure to read.
'where the mayapples and the mushrooms grew'Beautiful picture.
The Auld Yin.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
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Hi Alex! What a pleasure having you read my work! Thank you! It's great to know you enjoyed this! Truly...") Susan
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Suse,
A quick and fun read, but the conflict seems a little weak and diffused to me. I'm never sure what obstacle faces the boy. Is it the rain, being isolated emotionally from the other children, taking the children's rhyme seriously, or almost stepping on Mr. Toad? To make a story interesting, the main character must face a moment that results in a revelation about or for the character.
Another place where I have problems with the story is in the details that do not seem to contribute to the outcome. A central image is the multi-colored umbrella the boy's mother gave to him. I'm not sure why it's so important, but you carry it through to the end, so it obviously has significance. Some of the other details don't seem to come together for me. For example, what's the significance of him playing alone, the 'step on a crack and break your mother's back' game, and Mr. Toad?
It's great to add details like these, but they need to contribute to the story in a meaningful manner, i.e., by advancing the plot and helping define the overall theme. As it stands, the final line states the story's theme as being "life is kind." But if you hadn't stated the theme, that is not the message I would have understood.
What I saw was a little boy who is: 1. Isolated from his peers; 2. Has a vivid imagination; 3. Has a sick mother; 4. Believes he can make her well by not stepping on cracks, and 5. Kind to other beings. But none of these lead me to the stated theme.
Just my thoughts. Hope they help.
I've noted a few errors below.
I think the first two sentences could be made into one sentence. Doing do so would tighten the writing. Perhaps you could rewrite as:
"Shielded from the chilly April rain by the rainbow colored umbrella his mother had given him for his birthday, Christopher walked proudly to school."
If, however, you decide to leave them as you've written them, the first sentence needs a comma.
"The rains of spring soaked the winter away (,) and it was on a gray April morning that Christopher first used the umbrella his mother had given him for his seventh birthday.
"Splish, splash, I'm taking a bath ..." (Whenever an ellipsis ends a sentence, use a period like so: "Splish, splash, I'm taking a bath ...." The fourth dot is a period, which punctuates the end of the sentence. It isn't a part of the ellipsis. If an interruption comes in the middle of a sentence, then you'd use the ellipsis without a period.
"He chanted the {sing} song over and over as he traversed.... (Delete sing.)
mud puddles is two words, not one.
"...Christopher imagined his umbrella {as} a magic flying machine{,}that would help him save the universe.(Delete 'as' and the final comma.)
rainbow- colored umbrella (Hypenate)
In class, the rainbow colored umbrella sat in the corner of the coatroom, waiting for (the boy) {its new owner} to open it up again and let it shelter him against the weather.
Christopher wiggled impatiently(.) He hoped it would rain during recess....
Alone{,}in the midst of the other children... (I know what you meant, but it's too vaguely worded.)
"Despite being in the midst of other children, Christopher played alone. Arms splayed, he pretended to be a jet fighter....etc.
There are several more errors past this part, but I don't have the time to fix all of them for you.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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Suse,
A quick and fun read, but the conflict seems a little weak and diffused to me. I'm never sure what obstacle faces the boy. Is it the rain, being isolated emotionally from the other children, taking the children's rhyme seriously, or almost stepping on Mr. Toad? To make a story interesting, the main character must face a moment that results in a revelation about or for the character.
Another place where I have problems with the story is in the details that do not seem to contribute to the outcome. A central image is the multi-colored umbrella the boy's mother gave to him. I'm not sure why it's so important, but you carry it through to the end, so it obviously has significance. Some of the other details don't seem to come together for me. For example, what's the significance of him playing alone, the 'step on a crack and break your mother's back' game, and Mr. Toad?
It's great to add details like these, but they need to contribute to the story in a meaningful manner, i.e., by advancing the plot and helping define the overall theme. As it stands, the final line states the story's theme as being "life is kind." But if you hadn't stated the theme, that is not the message I would have understood.
What I saw was a little boy who is: 1. Isolated from his peers; 2. Has a vivid imagination; 3. Has a sick mother; 4. Believes he can make her well by not stepping on cracks, and 5. Kind to other beings. But none of these lead me to the stated theme.
Just my thoughts. Hope they help.
I've noted a few errors below.
I think the first two sentences could be made into one sentence. Doing do so would tighten the writing. Perhaps you could rewrite as:
"Shielded from the chilly April rain by the rainbow colored umbrella his mother had given him for his birthday, Christopher walked proudly to school."
If, however, you decide to leave them as you've written them, the first sentence needs a comma.
"The rains of spring soaked the winter away (,) and it was on a gray April morning that Christopher first used the umbrella his mother had given him for his seventh birthday.
"Splish, splash, I'm taking a bath ..." (Whenever an ellipsis ends a sentence, use a period like so: "Splish, splash, I'm taking a bath ...." The fourth dot is a period, which punctuates the end of the sentence. It isn't a part of the ellipsis. If an interruption comes in the middle of a sentence, then you'd use the ellipsis without a period.
"He chanted the {sing} song over and over as he traversed.... (Delete sing.)
mud puddles is two words, not one.
"...Christopher imagined his umbrella {as} a magic flying machine{,}that would help him save the universe.(Delete 'as' and the final comma.)
rainbow- colored umbrella (Hypenate)
In class, the rainbow colored umbrella sat in the corner of the coatroom, waiting for (the boy) {its new owner} to open it up again and let it shelter him against the weather.
Christopher wiggled impatiently(.) He hoped it would rain during recess....
Alone{,}in the midst of the other children... (I know what you meant, but it's too vaguely worded.)
"Despite being in the midst of other children, Christopher played alone. Arms splayed, he pretended to be a jet fighter....etc.
There are several more errors past this part, but I don't have the time to fix all of them for you.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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Hi there! I got a fresh sheet of paper and wrote all this down, and will try to include a clearer "conflict" too. This was just a story for kids, simple and a fantasy? The umbrella was the real "main" character, or so I tried to make it? I will check the last part too and see if I can catch the rest of the errors? Thank you very much G, for a very helpful review! I feel so inadequate. But, this was a fun attempt. Thanks so much!! S.
Comment from missy98writer
Susan,
your children fiction story titled Mayflowers and Mud-puddles is very written a delightful read. Adorable photo. The boy is too cute. Your story paints a picture in the readers head. Excellent narrative and great descriptive writing highlight your story. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. Creative use of personification with the umbrella. Thanks for making me grin despite the horrible migraine I've been suffering with for three days now.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2011
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Susan,
your children fiction story titled Mayflowers and Mud-puddles is very written a delightful read. Adorable photo. The boy is too cute. Your story paints a picture in the readers head. Excellent narrative and great descriptive writing highlight your story. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. Creative use of personification with the umbrella. Thanks for making me grin despite the horrible migraine I've been suffering with for three days now.
Melissa.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2011
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Hello Melissa!! I hope you are feeling better now? I don't think I've ever had a migraine...I sure feel for you tho anyway. They say keep still, sleep and don't be in bright lites? Your kind review is extra special, coming even tho you don't feel good. HUGS and many thanks Melissa...luv you. Suse
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan, this is another beautiful, tender and very well penned story ... a gem produced by your so very fertile and wonderfully creative imagination. The apostrophe's are fine. Very well done, my dear friend.
Ama
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2011
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Susan, this is another beautiful, tender and very well penned story ... a gem produced by your so very fertile and wonderfully creative imagination. The apostrophe's are fine. Very well done, my dear friend.
Ama
Comment Written 05-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2011
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Hi Ama! WOW and wow!!! You are so nice to me and very encouraging too. Thank you very much my dear friend. I am just tickled "pink" that you liked this oddball story! ") Luv you! Susan
Comment from Sasha
Since I hold the crown for Spag Queen I don't think I am the one to ask, but as far as I could tell the apostaphies were is the right place. I enjoyed this very much. It took me on a fun trip down memory lane. Very nice work with this one.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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Since I hold the crown for Spag Queen I don't think I am the one to ask, but as far as I could tell the apostaphies were is the right place. I enjoyed this very much. It took me on a fun trip down memory lane. Very nice work with this one.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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HI there! Oh, you don't do that bad! I just never can learn the apostrophes. AND commas...it's so awful. Or is it spelled apostaphies? I have to use spellcheck. ") SO glad you enjoyed my story Sasha. Let me know about your movie? I AM going to order your book. ASAP...HUG! Susan
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Little boys are so a live and so much fun. They just enjoy playing. My class this year has 20 little body's; 16 active fun loving little boys and 4 little girls. I'm glad I'm one of those people who enjoy the activity level of little boys.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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Little boys are so a live and so much fun. They just enjoy playing. My class this year has 20 little body's; 16 active fun loving little boys and 4 little girls. I'm glad I'm one of those people who enjoy the activity level of little boys.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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Hi Barbara! I miss the fun years with my son. Now he's a grumpy young man. Just a grump. I wish I had become a teacher. I really would have loved to teach art to little ones. But so many schools don't even offer art now. Just not right. I sure hope you are feeling okay! HUGS! Susan
Comment from adewpearl
the rainbow-colored umbrella shielding - add hyphen
Christopher's yellow boots came close - add apostrophe for possessive
What a delightful story, Susan - you get into the mindset of this highly imaginative and loving boy most effectively. This truly was a pleasure to read, gave me a gentle smile :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2011
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the rainbow-colored umbrella shielding - add hyphen
Christopher's yellow boots came close - add apostrophe for possessive
What a delightful story, Susan - you get into the mindset of this highly imaginative and loving boy most effectively. This truly was a pleasure to read, gave me a gentle smile :-) Brooke
Comment Written 04-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2011
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Hi Brooke! I didn't know I had to put a hyphen, so I will and the apostrophe too, thank you once again...what a great helper. Always. AND I am thrilled that you enjoyed this so. ") Susan
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
a good write with good flow and imagery. Hi Susan another good story which I think would make a good children's book. god bless. Mary
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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a good write with good flow and imagery. Hi Susan another good story which I think would make a good children's book. god bless. Mary
Comment Written 04-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
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Hi Mary! Thank you my friend! I may do this someday? I will see how one goes about it...if even something just for fun...Bless you for being a kind and fun fanfriend!! Susan
