The Suitcase
Finding freedom25 total reviews
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Suse,
This is a story with a good degree of remorse embedded in it. I liked how the symbolism of the old suitcase. Nice touch. You have three fragments in the first paragraph. They should be fixed. An easy method is to use a colon after 'me'
... me: photos of my son, my old coin collection, and the teddy....."
Let's see if this works.
g
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2010
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Suse,
This is a story with a good degree of remorse embedded in it. I liked how the symbolism of the old suitcase. Nice touch. You have three fragments in the first paragraph. They should be fixed. An easy method is to use a colon after 'me'
... me: photos of my son, my old coin collection, and the teddy....."
Let's see if this works.
g
Comment Written 09-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2010
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G!! You are back!!! ") Yay!! Thank you for this help, WILL DO! Oh it's great to have you back!! ") Suse!
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Tell me this. I'm reloading my old portfolio. Are the works showing up on your message board as new postings? I hope not. If they are, please don't review. Let me know ASAP. I wait to hear before uploading more.
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I PM'd? Hope it's working okay for you! ") s
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Yes. Thanks.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Do I smell an ex- here? How awful to lose those material things that you value so much. And how awful for someone to be so angry/spiteful/just plain mean to deprive you of them. But he cannot take your memories of them or of the experiences they represent. Well written. Bittersweet.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2010
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Do I smell an ex- here? How awful to lose those material things that you value so much. And how awful for someone to be so angry/spiteful/just plain mean to deprive you of them. But he cannot take your memories of them or of the experiences they represent. Well written. Bittersweet.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2010
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Hi N.K.! Thank you for this kind review. IT's not an ex, just bad neighborhood. BAD. Our house is for sale already, and we have only lived here just over two years. Just not good people around here. Thank you for this very welcome review...xoxo. Susan
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Anytime, Susan. I like your work. Nancy
Comment from AnnaLinda
Susan,
Your short story is well written and I like your
succint style in it and your 'freedom' ending.
I also liked the imagery in the 'lilac' lines.
Linda
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2010
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Susan,
Your short story is well written and I like your
succint style in it and your 'freedom' ending.
I also liked the imagery in the 'lilac' lines.
Linda
Comment Written 08-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2010
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Hi Linda! Thank you so much! I appreciate this kind and welcome review. I tried to download your last post and it wouldn't go? So, will try again in a bit. I hope you are okay, and I hope it's not cold out there. xoxo. Susan
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Comment from Judy Swanson
Painfully rich with imagery and, for many of us, memories. You did a good job of telling this story in the flash fiction format. Deciding what to pack, and telling also what is to be left behind, heightens the tension of the moment. Leaving old cards and letters speaks volumes. Describing the house that "has never been home" increases the feeling of sadness. Saying goodbye to the lilacs and the horses moves the reader through the good-bye process along with the character. I was so glad to read the last lines... "I add one last thing... my freedom."
I've been there - you told the story well. Hugs to you. Judy
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Painfully rich with imagery and, for many of us, memories. You did a good job of telling this story in the flash fiction format. Deciding what to pack, and telling also what is to be left behind, heightens the tension of the moment. Leaving old cards and letters speaks volumes. Describing the house that "has never been home" increases the feeling of sadness. Saying goodbye to the lilacs and the horses moves the reader through the good-bye process along with the character. I was so glad to read the last lines... "I add one last thing... my freedom."
I've been there - you told the story well. Hugs to you. Judy
Comment Written 07-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Hi Judy! Thank you so much. Glad you liked this. It's just a story. Ha. ") Susan
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Loved it. Judy
Comment from Dave M
Susan,
This is an excellent flash writing post, with no problems that I could see. The story leaves me hoping the woman finds what she is looking for.
Dave
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Susan,
This is an excellent flash writing post, with no problems that I could see. The story leaves me hoping the woman finds what she is looking for.
Dave
Comment Written 06-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Hi again! Thank you, I will be searching probably til the day I die. I am used to the feeling. ") Great to hear from you! Susan
Comment from missy98writer
Susan,
your flash fiction is emotional and extremely well written. In a minimum amount of words for a maximum effect you established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. I love the lines; "Back inside, I add one last thing to my old dilapidated suitcase. My freedom." I hate it when folks steal your memories by their thievery. What an emotional story. I loved it!
Melissa.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Susan,
your flash fiction is emotional and extremely well written. In a minimum amount of words for a maximum effect you established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. I love the lines; "Back inside, I add one last thing to my old dilapidated suitcase. My freedom." I hate it when folks steal your memories by their thievery. What an emotional story. I loved it!
Melissa.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Hi Melissa! Thank you! I still want my belongings back. But the little creep sold it all and probably gave some of it to some girl. I get sick thinking about it. Thank you for reading this for me Melissa. Hug, Susan
Comment from Glynnis W
Suse,
Below are a few grammar and punctuation fixes the piece needs.
First para
The following phrases are al fragments: "Photos of my son. My old coin collection. The teddy bear...." Since they constitute a list, you can fix them by placing a colon and breaking the clauses with commas.
'... valuable to me: photos of my son, my old coin collection, the teddy bear..."
Second para
Actually, Suze, this isn't your last look around the house because you come back in after going outside.
Third para
Again, this is not the last time you step outside. You'll step outside one last time when you leave. I would break the last sentence in this para with "I watch the horses graze" and then move the last clause down to the fourth para. "But I have resolved not to let these things imprison me any longer (rather than anymore. They mean different things.)
Several of the sentences are too wordy, but I didn't feel it was my place to make those kinds of suggestions. The piece is currently 116 wrds. I was able to get it down to 100 wrds by tightening those sentences.
Hope this helps.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Suse,
Below are a few grammar and punctuation fixes the piece needs.
First para
The following phrases are al fragments: "Photos of my son. My old coin collection. The teddy bear...." Since they constitute a list, you can fix them by placing a colon and breaking the clauses with commas.
'... valuable to me: photos of my son, my old coin collection, the teddy bear..."
Second para
Actually, Suze, this isn't your last look around the house because you come back in after going outside.
Third para
Again, this is not the last time you step outside. You'll step outside one last time when you leave. I would break the last sentence in this para with "I watch the horses graze" and then move the last clause down to the fourth para. "But I have resolved not to let these things imprison me any longer (rather than anymore. They mean different things.)
Several of the sentences are too wordy, but I didn't feel it was my place to make those kinds of suggestions. The piece is currently 116 wrds. I was able to get it down to 100 wrds by tightening those sentences.
Hope this helps.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Hi D.H.! Thank you , I will look at this asap and see what I can do! I am sorry for the late reply...I do appreciate and consider your comments! Thank you again! Susan
Comment from Just Alyx
I just recently had something irreplaceable stolen from me. It left me feeling quite ill in the pit of my gut, so I can relate strongly to your piece. Sorry it happened to you, too. This is a very short piece, but flash is about optimum brevity, so I'll offer my thoughts. Your first sentence could just as readily be, "I pack the old suitcase with [everything of value] to me." Also, "Back inside, I add one last thing to my (old) dilapidated suitcase."--we already know the suitcase is old. The last line/word is very effective and finishes it off perfectly. I thought you expressed your loss with a great understated passion. Well done.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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I just recently had something irreplaceable stolen from me. It left me feeling quite ill in the pit of my gut, so I can relate strongly to your piece. Sorry it happened to you, too. This is a very short piece, but flash is about optimum brevity, so I'll offer my thoughts. Your first sentence could just as readily be, "I pack the old suitcase with [everything of value] to me." Also, "Back inside, I add one last thing to my (old) dilapidated suitcase."--we already know the suitcase is old. The last line/word is very effective and finishes it off perfectly. I thought you expressed your loss with a great understated passion. Well done.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Hi Lucas, thank you for this helpful review. I will look again and see what to do. And hopefully you will find your lost things. Mine were sold off at pawn stores I am sure. Good to hear from you! Susan
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Thanks, Susan, but mine--like yours--are gone for good. Oh, well. Cheers.
Comment from Veekz
That's disgusting - I hope he rots too! You can replace monetary value things but not the memories.
In regards to the piece itself I found it, as I do with the majority of your work, to be a great read. You seem to be able to really dredge up emotions with your work and it shows through again in this one.
An excellent, poignant piece :)
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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That's disgusting - I hope he rots too! You can replace monetary value things but not the memories.
In regards to the piece itself I found it, as I do with the majority of your work, to be a great read. You seem to be able to really dredge up emotions with your work and it shows through again in this one.
An excellent, poignant piece :)
Comment Written 06-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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Hi Vee! Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and concern too. I get really upset each time I think of this little creep. But it's over and he still walks around like a banty rooster. Good to hear from you and I'm sorry for this late thank you! Susan
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Well you know what they say right? Karma's a bitch and you get back what you give 3 fold... The creeps time will come! No worries on the late reply, hope your well :)
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I've been better, thank you for your kindness Vee. I am so upset with so many things...boy oh boy. I hope to get the show copied soon!! "/ Susan
Comment from c_lucas
A thief can still a person's soul when they take their memories. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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A thief can still a person's soul when they take their memories. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2010
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HI Charlie, SO sorry for this late thanks. I really appreciate your time for me, I hope I get caught up someday. "( Susan
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You're welcome.
