The Patchwork Quilt
Looking back at what life gave ...17 total reviews
Comment from SilverCade
I can find nothing to criticize in this story. Beautiful, and beautifully told. The images are very sharp, I feel as if I am experiencing the place being described. You move your reader smoothly from memories into the understanding that they are all the character has left. There is nothing jarring here.
I thoroughly enjoyed this, and I don't usually like "tear-jerkers". Truly exquisite writing style. Sorry I can't give any constructive criticism.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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I can find nothing to criticize in this story. Beautiful, and beautifully told. The images are very sharp, I feel as if I am experiencing the place being described. You move your reader smoothly from memories into the understanding that they are all the character has left. There is nothing jarring here.
I thoroughly enjoyed this, and I don't usually like "tear-jerkers". Truly exquisite writing style. Sorry I can't give any constructive criticism.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Hi Silver! Thank you very much! Sure wish everyone else felt this way! I really appreciate your review, it is kind and so encouraging too. I am happy to hear from yoU!!! Susan
Comment from livingwords
I liked this line: Thoughts of chances missed, opportunities lost and wasted time are of no use to me now. Very clean, smooth writing. Very enjoyable. Dan )))
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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I liked this line: Thoughts of chances missed, opportunities lost and wasted time are of no use to me now. Very clean, smooth writing. Very enjoyable. Dan )))
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Hi there Dan, thank you very much! SO happy you enjoyed this! AND took a minute to review it for me! Happy week, to you and yours!! Susan
Comment from Judy Swanson
Hi Susan,
I love the imagery in your story - and that you did it as a study in thought and memory rather than in actual interaction and dialog. It gives the reader a really clear impression of the emotion of longing - one of the hardest emotions to portray.
There is comfort, sadness, happiness, angst, and resolution in the mind of the narrator - and all are expressed fully in your short story.
I can see your character in the bed, with the comforter, in the kitchen, with the cat, watching her husband, and on and on.
Very well done. Good luck in the contest.
Judy
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
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Hi Susan,
I love the imagery in your story - and that you did it as a study in thought and memory rather than in actual interaction and dialog. It gives the reader a really clear impression of the emotion of longing - one of the hardest emotions to portray.
There is comfort, sadness, happiness, angst, and resolution in the mind of the narrator - and all are expressed fully in your short story.
I can see your character in the bed, with the comforter, in the kitchen, with the cat, watching her husband, and on and on.
Very well done. Good luck in the contest.
Judy
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2010
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Hi Judy! Thank you so much!! I worked hard on this, and so your thoughts are extra special to me. Hugs for being such a great reviewer!! ") Susan
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Always my privilege. You are so welcome. Judy
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading your short story. You are great at descriptions. I wish I could write descriptions. You must see the scenes vividly in your mind.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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I enjoyed reading your short story. You are great at descriptions. I wish I could write descriptions. You must see the scenes vividly in your mind.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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Barb! YOU can write descriptions, just look at things...really observe them. And just relay what the image does to your emotions! ANyone who can write like you do, bringing characters to life as you do, can also describe. You have before in your chapters. Just elaborate a bit more...however, as you know, leave out all the "hads", "ands" and so forth! I get way too carried away with them! ")) Thank you my sweet friend, your comments are so encouraging and nice to me! ") xoxo. Susan
Comment from c_lucas
This is a well written story about a spirit's still be tied to earthly things. One observation. The cat would have sense you were there and reacted to it. You had the cat sleeping, so you are safe on that note. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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This is a well written story about a spirit's still be tied to earthly things. One observation. The cat would have sense you were there and reacted to it. You had the cat sleeping, so you are safe on that note. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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Hi Charlie! I am happy you enjoyed this, I did go back and get rid of some of the "hads" and "ands"...I am awful with them...Let me know if you see anything off, I really tried with this! ") Smiles, and happy writing to you my friend. Susan
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You welcome, Susan. Charlie
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Susan,
This is such a tear jerking story. I loved your vivid imagery which gives this read so much charm. Even now I can still feel my late husband's essence near to me, especially when I don't feel good or have a problem to solve so this story is very believable to me. Well written and powerful. Good luck in the contest. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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Hi Susan,
This is such a tear jerking story. I loved your vivid imagery which gives this read so much charm. Even now I can still feel my late husband's essence near to me, especially when I don't feel good or have a problem to solve so this story is very believable to me. Well written and powerful. Good luck in the contest. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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Hi Chey! Wow, and I want you to know, my mother passed away in an auto crash, a few years ago...right after that, my brother thought he saw her watching him as he mowed the yard. I truly believe we are here at least for a time after death. Of course I don't really know. But your husband is watching over you Chey...that's wonderful. Thank you for a review that means the world to me. HUG! Susan
Comment from adewpearl
quilt that lays faithfully on the foot - that lies
This doesn't need lots of dialogue, Susan - you get inside the inner thoughts and feelings and memories of the narrator most compellingly - I was certainly drawn in. This is poignant, intimate, almost haunting in tone. Beautifully written, my friend. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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quilt that lays faithfully on the foot - that lies
This doesn't need lots of dialogue, Susan - you get inside the inner thoughts and feelings and memories of the narrator most compellingly - I was certainly drawn in. This is poignant, intimate, almost haunting in tone. Beautifully written, my friend. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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Hi Brooke! I fixed that along with a bunch of overdone "ands" and "hads" too. ") I am awful with overdoing them. But I am thrilled that you liked this. Your comments mean a great deal to me...Thank you Brooke...xoxo. Susan
Comment from humpwhistle
This too, is hand-sewn. You capture an ethereal quality that allows the reader to drift along with your character. This feels very personal without being maudlin. Very good work. Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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This too, is hand-sewn. You capture an ethereal quality that allows the reader to drift along with your character. This feels very personal without being maudlin. Very good work. Peace, Lee
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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Hi Lee! Thank you, I am always so happy when you like my efforts. I have some editing but if I am to do this, I need to at least try to learn to rewrite? Ahhhhh!! ") Hope you have a great evening Lee! Thanks again! Susan
Comment from Trybuck
I liked the creativity of this one. The story line was very good. If you want to do well in the contest, I suggest you make a few changes.
It's not good to start a sentence with and or but. They would be used to combine two thoughts making one sentence.
One example -- The bed was empty. And it would --- The bed was empty is supposed to be a sentence by itself. You put the period but continued on with the thought by starting the next sentence with and.
The bed was empty. It would remain that way......
Just trying to help, not intended to hurt you in any way.
You've got a great story line going, and with a little tweaking could be an excellent read, Buck
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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I liked the creativity of this one. The story line was very good. If you want to do well in the contest, I suggest you make a few changes.
It's not good to start a sentence with and or but. They would be used to combine two thoughts making one sentence.
One example -- The bed was empty. And it would --- The bed was empty is supposed to be a sentence by itself. You put the period but continued on with the thought by starting the next sentence with and.
The bed was empty. It would remain that way......
Just trying to help, not intended to hurt you in any way.
You've got a great story line going, and with a little tweaking could be an excellent read, Buck
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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Hi Buck! I have worked on this and removed many of the "hads" and "Ands" that started sentences. I think I left one. ? I don't know why, but it sounds "good" to me. ??? I am retarded. ") I do know better. Thank you for a very kind and helpful review...I always appreciate you and the time you take for me my friend. ") Susan
Comment from Just Alyx
UPGRADE TO FIVE
Fantastic editing. Well done.
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Enjoyed the ethereal tone of this piece. Overall, nicely executed because I gained a real sense of her desolation, and the need to cling to her loves. You have a couple of tense problems early on, and a few minor issues--
"It's not too small[,] is it?"--need a comma there
"The quilt is something I [have] wanted so badly."--you need present tense
"Something she [has] made, not bought."--present tense still supports that the mother made it an age ago because it's already been stated
"after all the years that have passed by so quickly."--you have "badly" just before this. Instead of another 'ly' use, maybe: "after all the years that have passed by so [fast]."
"I want to go back there ... (,) but I am in limbo."--don't need the comma there; the eclipses are enough for the pause. But I'd be more inclined to keep the comma there and edit the eclipses instead, to strengthen the impact of the next pause and emotional thought. "wishing" is the stronger emotion that clarifies being in limbo, so better the focus on that to marry in with "limbo" nicely, giving it strength through a different technique. The singular pause in that paragraph also makes the emphasis on the feelings attached to "waiting, reflecting" more powerful for you, and again reinforces that emphasis on being in limbo. Overuse of eclipses can drag down your work if you don't use them carefully for impact. Be selective, and they'll work really hard for you. Examine the weight of the others you have in there
"lounge lazily"--this is saying/suggesting the same thing
"A breeze brings the fresh air of spring through the window, and I breathe deep(, it's) delicious scent."--the phrasing here is a little awkward, and "breeze" and "fresh air" are both air. Rephrasing might be better. You also don't need the comma pause in that sentence, but do need possessive 'its' there
"I see Molly, my beloved calico cat, now taking a nap on the bed, curled tightly next to my old pillow, the one that had been so soft and warm; and I wonder if she misses me, as much as I miss her."--not a great sentence; could be a lot tighter for better imagery
"How I (had) made excuses for keeping her--watch out for overuse of 'had' when using past tense
my husband not wanting another mouth to feed--need a comma after "feed" to separate the internal thought, and to separate from the action to follow. Also, "of how I (had) won him over"; another 'had' you don't need, as well as in the next sentence
"I had laughed"/ "Her purr is loud"--the tenses contradict each other here for the action thoughts. And again, when writing in reflective narrative, it's a given it's happened previously, so there's no need to clarify with 'had' in all places. In some places they're appropriate, but in most they're unnecessary. There are a few more in there, so edit every one you think it can live without for sharper pacing and imagery
but I feel like I am(,) because I feel--the comma is interruptive, and rarely used before the word 'because'
"from the porcelain [wind chime](,) as I peer out across--no comma needed; 'as' is a natural progression. Large use of 'out' in that paragraph. Rephrase? Very nice thoughts expressed in there, but could be more crisply expressed as it reads a little run-on and loses some of its power. Great imagery you could do a little more with--shorter sentences for better impact, maybe? The 'life goes on' theme in that paragraph is worth enhancing with really sharp editing. "windchime" is two words
"It's Mark(,) who stays and keeps"--comma interruptive
Would I bother if I didn't like your writing? Nope. I enjoyed the story and liked the supernatural lending to a human, universal story. Nice writing. All the best in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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UPGRADE TO FIVE
Fantastic editing. Well done.
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Enjoyed the ethereal tone of this piece. Overall, nicely executed because I gained a real sense of her desolation, and the need to cling to her loves. You have a couple of tense problems early on, and a few minor issues--
"It's not too small[,] is it?"--need a comma there
"The quilt is something I [have] wanted so badly."--you need present tense
"Something she [has] made, not bought."--present tense still supports that the mother made it an age ago because it's already been stated
"after all the years that have passed by so quickly."--you have "badly" just before this. Instead of another 'ly' use, maybe: "after all the years that have passed by so [fast]."
"I want to go back there ... (,) but I am in limbo."--don't need the comma there; the eclipses are enough for the pause. But I'd be more inclined to keep the comma there and edit the eclipses instead, to strengthen the impact of the next pause and emotional thought. "wishing" is the stronger emotion that clarifies being in limbo, so better the focus on that to marry in with "limbo" nicely, giving it strength through a different technique. The singular pause in that paragraph also makes the emphasis on the feelings attached to "waiting, reflecting" more powerful for you, and again reinforces that emphasis on being in limbo. Overuse of eclipses can drag down your work if you don't use them carefully for impact. Be selective, and they'll work really hard for you. Examine the weight of the others you have in there
"lounge lazily"--this is saying/suggesting the same thing
"A breeze brings the fresh air of spring through the window, and I breathe deep(, it's) delicious scent."--the phrasing here is a little awkward, and "breeze" and "fresh air" are both air. Rephrasing might be better. You also don't need the comma pause in that sentence, but do need possessive 'its' there
"I see Molly, my beloved calico cat, now taking a nap on the bed, curled tightly next to my old pillow, the one that had been so soft and warm; and I wonder if she misses me, as much as I miss her."--not a great sentence; could be a lot tighter for better imagery
"How I (had) made excuses for keeping her--watch out for overuse of 'had' when using past tense
my husband not wanting another mouth to feed--need a comma after "feed" to separate the internal thought, and to separate from the action to follow. Also, "of how I (had) won him over"; another 'had' you don't need, as well as in the next sentence
"I had laughed"/ "Her purr is loud"--the tenses contradict each other here for the action thoughts. And again, when writing in reflective narrative, it's a given it's happened previously, so there's no need to clarify with 'had' in all places. In some places they're appropriate, but in most they're unnecessary. There are a few more in there, so edit every one you think it can live without for sharper pacing and imagery
but I feel like I am(,) because I feel--the comma is interruptive, and rarely used before the word 'because'
"from the porcelain [wind chime](,) as I peer out across--no comma needed; 'as' is a natural progression. Large use of 'out' in that paragraph. Rephrase? Very nice thoughts expressed in there, but could be more crisply expressed as it reads a little run-on and loses some of its power. Great imagery you could do a little more with--shorter sentences for better impact, maybe? The 'life goes on' theme in that paragraph is worth enhancing with really sharp editing. "windchime" is two words
"It's Mark(,) who stays and keeps"--comma interruptive
Would I bother if I didn't like your writing? Nope. I enjoyed the story and liked the supernatural lending to a human, universal story. Nice writing. All the best in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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Hi Lucas! Wow, and thank you, I have jotted all these helpful suggestions down and will work on this tonight! I knew it was off a bit, and worked on it til I was sick of reading it. So, thank you, I did try to edit, with your help maybe I can clean it up now! ") I do appreciate this time you have taken for me! AND that you liked the story in general. Very kind and welcome review...thank you again!! Susan
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More than welcome, Susan. You're an entertaining writer. Cheers. Lucas.
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Hi Lucas, I just reworked and edited my story. I removed all but a couple of the 'hads' and used all your suggestions the best I could, I want to thank you again. It reads much better now. ") Susan
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Much smoother reading now; nice editing. Two minor pickups for you I must've missed.
and I breathe deep(,) its(') delicious scent.â??comma is interruptive and you don't need the apostrophe
"if she misses me(,) as much as I miss her."----comma interruptive here, too, and breaks up the thought (was that there before? Can't remember)
Just one more small suggestion for you because I noticed you altered the second sentence. It's an improvement, but still causes you issues. The way you've written it still makes it (should be) a grammatical part of the thought in the first sentenceâ??making it obvious you're following a prompt to begin the write. What would work better for you would be something like, "Only my sleepy cat and the old, faded quilt [lie] faithfully on the foot of it[;] [the heirloom] folded neatly, as it has been for the last year or so." Whichever words, make your second sentence a definite independent one. Then it will flow seamlessly with your beginning and avoids technique being so obvious. "It's colors" could then be altered to, "The quilt ...", if you fancy, to reaffirm the imagery of it, as well as her attachment to it. Your visions of old quilts promote strong feelings of nostalgia in the reader--what should've been a long term deal for her--and 'heirloom' always represent family. Let me know how you do in the contest in case I get sidetracked and forget to check(standard member; can't vote or view progress). Cheers.
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Hmm. I see cut'n'paste doesn't carry over well into the reply box: question marks instead of em dashes. Sorry about that.
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Hi Lucas! I didn't realize you had come back! thank you...this is kind, most just move on and forget...I am going to redo these suggestions as well, and really appreciate your extra time for me...I hope you are having a great day where you are...Susan
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Hi, Susan. Easy, relaxing day today, thanks. Top editing on this piece, so I upgraded. You just need to adjust these now--[Its] colors, even though no longer vibrant/and I breathe deep [its] delicious scent--don't need the apostrophes for the possessive. I just realised this is a contest entry for the FanStory panel, so excellent work with the changes. Easily a top entry, and again, good luck in the contest. Cheers. Lucas.
