A Long Winter's Night
a crossbreed dog survives20 total reviews
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Su,
This is an interesting piece. Margaret S. and adewpearl did an excellent job of addressing the grammatical and style elements, so there's no need for me to become involved with them.
It had a great plot, but I felt the pace was a bit slow. But that's just me. You know how I like fast paced stories. So if no one else has mentioned, then ignore my comment. g
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2010
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Su,
This is an interesting piece. Margaret S. and adewpearl did an excellent job of addressing the grammatical and style elements, so there's no need for me to become involved with them.
It had a great plot, but I felt the pace was a bit slow. But that's just me. You know how I like fast paced stories. So if no one else has mentioned, then ignore my comment. g
Comment Written 26-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2010
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") Yes, your work really does pack a punch! Slam dunks all. And I read where agents will pitch a manuscript that is slow. SO, I have much to learn. Thank you for this insightful reveiw! Very helpful...I never ignore your thoughts. S.
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Don't change the pacing on just my observation. If no one else mentions it, don't worry about it.
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Okay g...s.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Susan :)
I don't have a "sixer" but I'll give you a virtual double "twelver." The piece is outstanding and should be published somewhere besides FS.
The picture is so mournful it fits the story perfectly.
Excellent writing.
Ted
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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Hi Susan :)
I don't have a "sixer" but I'll give you a virtual double "twelver." The piece is outstanding and should be published somewhere besides FS.
The picture is so mournful it fits the story perfectly.
Excellent writing.
Ted
Comment Written 25-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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Hi again! Thank you Ted! I was working on this, I had too many "she's" in the second paragraph, and I changed a few other phrases. It's better now, I think...I need to edit MORE before posting, rather than after! As you always said! Please don't stop helping us Ted. Your advice and encouragment are very worthy and people like me, well, you know how we are! ") I promise to do more dialogue! ") Thank you for being kind and enthusiastic...it matters. HUGS and a smile. Susan
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Yes, edit before you post :)
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I do, but as I still don't know much anymore, I fail so miserably! I will try harder. S.
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Keep at it :)
Comment from Fireshadow
Oh, Susan ! This is the PERFECT ending for your other story "At The End Of The Lane." It's so well written, with brilliance and heart, that its narrative flows flawlessly. Found no spag errors. Outstanding work, my friend.
Ama
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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Oh, Susan ! This is the PERFECT ending for your other story "At The End Of The Lane." It's so well written, with brilliance and heart, that its narrative flows flawlessly. Found no spag errors. Outstanding work, my friend.
Ama
Comment Written 25-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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") Ama, thank you. What an encouragment this is...I got a three for something yesterday, and felt so worthless. You have once more saved me from wanting to give up. Boy. I am absolutely relieved to have you enjoy this so. I did work hard on this! ") Bless your heart...Luv, Susan
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I just love this story, Susan - my kind of world - it was my pleasure to read it.
Have made a few suggestions - hope you don't mind - just ignore if not in agreement, my friend.
world in it's blanket of cold. - its - or
world with a blanket of cold
He stood
He knew
He walked - perhaps you'll consider changing this last sentence around to avoid staring with "He" again - i.e.
Walking through the snow, he glanced over his shoulder toward the front door of the house, just the once, knowing he would not come back.
the dog stayed to himself
the dog kept to himself
clear and distinctive, it sent chills up
clear and distinctive, sending chills up
cover ups, (as) the man puffed
sick or hurt and his heart ached for his wife.
sick or hurt. These very thoughts made his heart ache for his wife.
it's face gaunt - its
it's tail wagging - its
someone and(,) as they made their way back to the house[,] to the warmth of the fire, (Add) [delete]
Margaret
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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I just love this story, Susan - my kind of world - it was my pleasure to read it.
Have made a few suggestions - hope you don't mind - just ignore if not in agreement, my friend.
world in it's blanket of cold. - its - or
world with a blanket of cold
He stood
He knew
He walked - perhaps you'll consider changing this last sentence around to avoid staring with "He" again - i.e.
Walking through the snow, he glanced over his shoulder toward the front door of the house, just the once, knowing he would not come back.
the dog stayed to himself
the dog kept to himself
clear and distinctive, it sent chills up
clear and distinctive, sending chills up
cover ups, (as) the man puffed
sick or hurt and his heart ached for his wife.
sick or hurt. These very thoughts made his heart ache for his wife.
it's face gaunt - its
it's tail wagging - its
someone and(,) as they made their way back to the house[,] to the warmth of the fire, (Add) [delete]
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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Hi Margaret! What a great helper! I will jot these down and work on them! HUGS!! I like this too, Judian James, bless her heart, was so worried about the poor dog. ") So, I had to write and save him! And these blab blad apostraphes! I never! If I ever real start my book, I will need to hire an editor to sit beside me and review EACH sentence AS I WRITE! Oh. Thanks Margaret! I really really appreciate you! luv, Susan
Comment from adewpearl
it's blanket of snow - drop the apostrophe
he sat, bloody and tired, and as - add the second comma
clear and distinctive, it sent chills - replace comma with period
it's face gaunt and hollow - drop the apostrophe
What a moving and well-told story, Susan, as you get inside the thoughts and feelings of both dog and old man so effectively. Brooke
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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it's blanket of snow - drop the apostrophe
he sat, bloody and tired, and as - add the second comma
clear and distinctive, it sent chills - replace comma with period
it's face gaunt and hollow - drop the apostrophe
What a moving and well-told story, Susan, as you get inside the thoughts and feelings of both dog and old man so effectively. Brooke
Comment Written 25-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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Hi Brooke! Thank you! I will jot this help down and try to get it fixed asap! What a grand helper, you and Margaret and E.P. are my best teachers ever...and Ted, IF ONLY I could RETAIN...bless your heart, I so much appreciate this...") Susan
Comment from missy98writer
Susan,
your story titled A Long Winter's Night is extremely well written. Your story paints a vivid picture in the readers head. Excellent narrative, great descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. What a sad tale. The woman laying dead in her house all alone with her old dog had to go off in to the old cold world alone. This line caught my eye: It was his way of dealing with her death. And he visited her grave almost every Sunday, sometimes leaving a sprig of evergreen, or in the summer, her favorite flowers. I love the ending the lonely old man and dog became friends. What a moving story. You did a fantastic job hitting the reader's heart with this moving story. I loved it. Keep up the wonderful writing, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Susan,
your story titled A Long Winter's Night is extremely well written. Your story paints a vivid picture in the readers head. Excellent narrative, great descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. What a sad tale. The woman laying dead in her house all alone with her old dog had to go off in to the old cold world alone. This line caught my eye: It was his way of dealing with her death. And he visited her grave almost every Sunday, sometimes leaving a sprig of evergreen, or in the summer, her favorite flowers. I love the ending the lonely old man and dog became friends. What a moving story. You did a fantastic job hitting the reader's heart with this moving story. I loved it. Keep up the wonderful writing, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Hi there Melissa!! I can't get over your reviews. You always explain so well, what your feelings are pertaining to my work. Thank you my good flower loving friend! Hey? Did you ever go to "Earth Sun Moon Trading Company" to see their lovely butterfly and nature t-shirts?? You will love it, I promise! ") Hugs, Susan
Comment from Begin Again
Susan,
What a strong story showing your deep feelings for animals and the human souyl as well. I truly enjoyed it and the message you sent. Terrific story...well written and thoroughly enjoyable.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Susan,
What a strong story showing your deep feelings for animals and the human souyl as well. I truly enjoyed it and the message you sent. Terrific story...well written and thoroughly enjoyable.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 24-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Hi Carol! How are you? I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. I do think of you and it's great to have you read for me too. I really value your thoughts, always! HUGS!! Susan
Comment from Judian James
Thank you and this is well deserving of a sixer. It's a marvelous, emotional, wonderfully descriptive story of how much humans and animals can give to one another. There are a few little things you might consider changing: I think "mistress" is the wrong choice of word here considering their particular situation. I think she was his "human" In the fourth paragraph, you repeat the word "ago" in close proximity. I'm not sure the second sentence about the tuna is really necessary anyway. Somehow, there's more power (to me) without it. "Finally, dog and varmint came face to face and with teeth slashing, the fight ended with the tenant being permanently evicted." Really good way of putting it. clever. I'm not sure the next paragraph is necessary. again, power in brevity. I might beef up the few sentences before the "varmint" line, perhaps. These are all minor suggestions and gentle tweaks. I figure this deserves a sixer no matter what, and I'm not going to give you less because of these few little nits. I am thrilled the dog is okay!!! (My middle son and his family just "rescued" a dog yesterday through pet finders. This is their third rescue dog) BRAVO!!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Thank you and this is well deserving of a sixer. It's a marvelous, emotional, wonderfully descriptive story of how much humans and animals can give to one another. There are a few little things you might consider changing: I think "mistress" is the wrong choice of word here considering their particular situation. I think she was his "human" In the fourth paragraph, you repeat the word "ago" in close proximity. I'm not sure the second sentence about the tuna is really necessary anyway. Somehow, there's more power (to me) without it. "Finally, dog and varmint came face to face and with teeth slashing, the fight ended with the tenant being permanently evicted." Really good way of putting it. clever. I'm not sure the next paragraph is necessary. again, power in brevity. I might beef up the few sentences before the "varmint" line, perhaps. These are all minor suggestions and gentle tweaks. I figure this deserves a sixer no matter what, and I'm not going to give you less because of these few little nits. I am thrilled the dog is okay!!! (My middle son and his family just "rescued" a dog yesterday through pet finders. This is their third rescue dog) BRAVO!!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Hi again! Thank you once more Judian. I had to write this, after your heartfelt review from the other one. I am really happy you liked this. I will get to the amends tonight! ") Thank you for this kind help too! HUG! Susan
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
that was a lovely story was was intregued by your imagery and skill. I enjoyed reading it, A good read and written with interest and passion. well done. Mary
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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that was a lovely story was was intregued by your imagery and skill. I enjoyed reading it, A good read and written with interest and passion. well done. Mary
Comment Written 24-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2010
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Hi Mary! Thank you very very much. I worked hard on this one, and am so happy you enjoyed it. I still really dread winter, but there is only one solution to avoid it, ") move south! ") Susan
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing about the dog that survived his owner's death and went to find another one to own him. that was nice of you to address judian's concerns
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing about the dog that survived his owner's death and went to find another one to own him. that was nice of you to address judian's concerns
Comment Written 24-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
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Hi Sweet!! Thanks so much. This was kind of long, so an extra thank you for your time along with a great rating! I appreciate you for always being here for me! ") Susan
