Poems of Love and Spirit
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "The Flow of God's Love"This book is about love, God's Love most of all.
8 total reviews
Comment from Atticus
I think this poem has great potential, yet I think there are some serious issues that hold it back from a being a great poem. I have no problem with the first two lines of your poem, I think they work well and have great power. There is something rather catching and unusual in the way you rhyme 'dime' with 'time'. However, I thought that the rhythm and pace you build in the first two lines are not carried forward into the second. This is made more pronounced by the aabb rhyming scheme. The poem feels fractious as the second two lines feel as if they are written in a different meter from the first two. Your first line is almost iambic, yet I can see no real correlation with the second part of your quatrain.
The second issue I find with you poem is that you jump between forms of address, between 'you' in line three, and 'us' in line four. As a reader I don't know how to respond to this, I can't tell who is speaking or what the message of the poem is. I also think that the phrase 'it flows all around you' is a rather clumsy one. You might have said it would 'flow around you' instead, which would have been more expedient to holding together the pacing of you poem. Finally, I have to say on an intellectual level, I don't understand how the love of God teaches a theist to be humble and meek. Love is an emotion, yet to be humbled by love implies it isn't returned. This however is just a subjective point, and if you think otherwise your opinion is as valid as mine.
I know I raised a lot of criticisms, but I really do think that this poem has great potential. It just feels like you wrote it and slapped it on fanstory without going through and editing process. If you tweak it a bit more, you will really have something.
Atticus
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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I think this poem has great potential, yet I think there are some serious issues that hold it back from a being a great poem. I have no problem with the first two lines of your poem, I think they work well and have great power. There is something rather catching and unusual in the way you rhyme 'dime' with 'time'. However, I thought that the rhythm and pace you build in the first two lines are not carried forward into the second. This is made more pronounced by the aabb rhyming scheme. The poem feels fractious as the second two lines feel as if they are written in a different meter from the first two. Your first line is almost iambic, yet I can see no real correlation with the second part of your quatrain.
The second issue I find with you poem is that you jump between forms of address, between 'you' in line three, and 'us' in line four. As a reader I don't know how to respond to this, I can't tell who is speaking or what the message of the poem is. I also think that the phrase 'it flows all around you' is a rather clumsy one. You might have said it would 'flow around you' instead, which would have been more expedient to holding together the pacing of you poem. Finally, I have to say on an intellectual level, I don't understand how the love of God teaches a theist to be humble and meek. Love is an emotion, yet to be humbled by love implies it isn't returned. This however is just a subjective point, and if you think otherwise your opinion is as valid as mine.
I know I raised a lot of criticisms, but I really do think that this poem has great potential. It just feels like you wrote it and slapped it on fanstory without going through and editing process. If you tweak it a bit more, you will really have something.
Atticus
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thank you Atticus for your very helpful review, especially your comments that in some way surprised me but also gave the impetus to go back and improve it. I am not a native English speaker, so your counsel is all the more important to me. I have a lot to learn. Thank you for taking the time to go over it in such detail.
Comment from winlaw writer
Good description and picture display that gives the poem a good dimension that has good flow and rhyming throughout the lines. Good work.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Good description and picture display that gives the poem a good dimension that has good flow and rhyming throughout the lines. Good work.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I really appreciate it. Best regards Sarah
Comment from BothePo8
The poem while short has focus and clarity. The rhyme is good but the meter ( rhythm ) is irregular. Lack of regular meter is kind of like traveling down a bumpy road through a beautiful countryside. The view is wonderful but the bumps are distracting. It might have been written like this to make the meter more regular: God's love sparkles like a dime..Its present with us all the time...it plants sweet kisses on your cheek..while teaching us to love the meek............not perfect but the rhythm is much better....Best wishes, Bo
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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The poem while short has focus and clarity. The rhyme is good but the meter ( rhythm ) is irregular. Lack of regular meter is kind of like traveling down a bumpy road through a beautiful countryside. The view is wonderful but the bumps are distracting. It might have been written like this to make the meter more regular: God's love sparkles like a dime..Its present with us all the time...it plants sweet kisses on your cheek..while teaching us to love the meek............not perfect but the rhythm is much better....Best wishes, Bo
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your honest review. I really appreciate it and it sure is helpful. I write mostly by inspiration and thank you for instructing me about the meter. Like to learn more about it. With kindness, Sarah
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It was my pleasure Sarah! Inspiration is wonderful. We all need that. If you read my poem " Ode to a Poet" you will see I need it too. Inspiration comes from many places. It is half the battle when writing poetry. You have that! Now you need to fill the potholes in that bumpy road....Best wishes, Bo
Comment from richard7
I hope it is a brand new dime!
Did u consider diamond?
The rhyme with time is kept and gives a better shine to it I think.
It is a nice rhyme and good message.
The picture adds to it.
I also think it could be expanded on there seems a good poem in there.
thanks.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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I hope it is a brand new dime!
Did u consider diamond?
The rhyme with time is kept and gives a better shine to it I think.
It is a nice rhyme and good message.
The picture adds to it.
I also think it could be expanded on there seems a good poem in there.
thanks.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Very true, but this poem just came to me in the spur of the moment early in the morning. Well, I'll work on it. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tushy
Such a sweet poem, with a really strong message. Although I'm not very religious, I love reading works like this, because it really makes me start to think about faith and the comfort it must provide to those who have it. This poem has so much simplicity, it made me stop and think about myself that sense of 'goodness' we all want to feel. Very clevery written, I thought it was excellent.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Such a sweet poem, with a really strong message. Although I'm not very religious, I love reading works like this, because it really makes me start to think about faith and the comfort it must provide to those who have it. This poem has so much simplicity, it made me stop and think about myself that sense of 'goodness' we all want to feel. Very clevery written, I thought it was excellent.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. It really encouraged my heart and I'm so glad you liked it.
Comment from Kingsland
This a very short piece of poetic art that has a very good message in tow. I enjoyed reading and writing a review for this well written verse... John
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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This a very short piece of poetic art that has a very good message in tow. I enjoyed reading and writing a review for this well written verse... John
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your kind review! It sure was really helpful!
Comment from markk
short but sweet. you have put across a good image here and I found your poem very enjoyable. well written. no criticism. well done.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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short but sweet. you have put across a good image here and I found your poem very enjoyable. well written. no criticism. well done.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your wonderful review, I really love the English countryside where my husband and I lived for sometime in a little cottage in Sussex with the Bedgebury forest outside our back door.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Sarah:)
This is an excellent Faith Quatrain. The first line:
'God's love sparkles like a dime,' is a wonderful simile. As I read this well-rhymed and written verse, I feel the presence of God in a warm and pleasant way.
Thank you for sharing your contest entry. Good lucl in the contest1
Roger aka Marilyn's writing partner
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Hi Sarah:)
This is an excellent Faith Quatrain. The first line:
'God's love sparkles like a dime,' is a wonderful simile. As I read this well-rhymed and written verse, I feel the presence of God in a warm and pleasant way.
Thank you for sharing your contest entry. Good lucl in the contest1
Roger aka Marilyn's writing partner
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2010
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Thank you so much for your ever so encouraging reply, it surely was helpful!
