Bless The Children
an old man learns tolerance?21 total reviews
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan, I wish I had six stars to award to this phenomenal writing. Your narrative is wonderfully descriptive, making the character and the setting very real. This certainly has the earmark of a winner for this contest, and I wish you the best of luck, my friend. Amarillys
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010
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Susan, I wish I had six stars to award to this phenomenal writing. Your narrative is wonderfully descriptive, making the character and the setting very real. This certainly has the earmark of a winner for this contest, and I wish you the best of luck, my friend. Amarillys
Comment Written 03-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010
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Oh my friend! I was one vote away! But it's okay, a great contest! Thank you so much for another kind and SO welcome review!! Earl is ebbing?? I hope you are okay!! Love! Susan
Comment from anne1204
Nicely written story of the loneliest of living in a nursing home. I have worked as an RN in a couple and even the best are not ideal Good writing Abnne1204
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010
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Nicely written story of the loneliest of living in a nursing home. I have worked as an RN in a couple and even the best are not ideal Good writing Abnne1204
Comment Written 03-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010
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hi Anne!! Thank you! I remember you are a nurse! An very honorable profession! I imagine you really know about these places. My father had to be in one, and he died there. I can't even "talk" about it, it still hurts so. Thank you for a wonderful review...I am very pleased that you liked this Anne!! Susan
Comment from Daylok
Great story!! Wow I really liked this. Very cute too! I also love the picture. I hope you do well in the contest I should think so!!-Daylok
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Great story!! Wow I really liked this. Very cute too! I also love the picture. I hope you do well in the contest I should think so!!-Daylok
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I almost won Day! One vote! You can vote in these too if you want, you don't have to have an entry to vote! If everyone voted it would be so much more fair! Thank you my friend! I appreciate your reviews so much!! ") Susan
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Really I didn't know, but I did start to become more involved in the Booth thing. that's too bad you should have won!!You always have great stoies!!-Daylok
Comment from fluffnstuff
what a heart-wrenchingm storym susan....i love it. I hope you get your tetra-----poem in before due time. I just got my senryu in. looking forward to your opinion on it. it was the first time i got inspired from just looking at the fan art pictures. Have friend coming on 13th from out of state. Bob got cellulitis on both legs and att dropped our medical after working for them 30 years. It gets to u after awhile huh? Last year i had a friend that put the gun into her mouth while husb was at store and that was that. I was right across the street. sad. hope ur holiday weekend is a good one
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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what a heart-wrenchingm storym susan....i love it. I hope you get your tetra-----poem in before due time. I just got my senryu in. looking forward to your opinion on it. it was the first time i got inspired from just looking at the fan art pictures. Have friend coming on 13th from out of state. Bob got cellulitis on both legs and att dropped our medical after working for them 30 years. It gets to u after awhile huh? Last year i had a friend that put the gun into her mouth while husb was at store and that was that. I was right across the street. sad. hope ur holiday weekend is a good one
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Hi there! I reviewed your senryu! It is great! You are really improving a lot Dianne! I am thrilled at your work. And thank you for this kind review too! I just can't believe your luck, mine sucks too. My son is in trouble for something he did not do, but a neighbor is lieing about him for spite. And when a prosecutor is dishonest and after you for his buddies, you're screwed. After years of my family and I asking these cops for help, they have the balls to accuse him of the things the ones we complain about DO TO US!!!!!!!!!!! Small towns suck, if you are an outsider and dare to bitch. And I will tell you about a friend of mine who threatened suicide with a 9mm. I was so mad at her. Still am. We were so close. Life can be too much at times, I sure hope you and your family will be alright. Our holiday will be awful. No friends here...so. It's lonely. YOU take care! Love, Susan
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about 39 minutes from san jose are two towns...gilroy and Morgan Hill. The houses are larger than the one I'm in and 400,000 less. Three people that i know that have horses have moved there. Why are you where u are? If u ever think u want to check calif out....ur invited to stay with me o.k.? uD FALL IN LOVE with Morgan Hill which is still rural. Life is too short to go through what u are., ya know? keep in close touch
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Well what a doll you are! If I could I would. I have a brother who refuses to leave this GOD awful state. So, I don't know what to do. He has no one to help him. I will check these towns out tho? This crap here is just disgusting. ANd so wrong. But we pissed the wrong "officials" off. Small towns, small minds. For real. I would leave here tomorrow if I could. These hilljacks make me sick. Love, Suse
Comment from forestport12
I didn't get to read all the contest entries or place my vote in time. I think from what I've read yours was a favorite, perhaps above all.
The character shift at the end, a powerful but touching way to end it. I once remarked I think one story that it didn't move me, but with this one you moved me, and I felt your intensity and word choices brought this home.
Sincerely:
Stan
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I didn't get to read all the contest entries or place my vote in time. I think from what I've read yours was a favorite, perhaps above all.
The character shift at the end, a powerful but touching way to end it. I once remarked I think one story that it didn't move me, but with this one you moved me, and I felt your intensity and word choices brought this home.
Sincerely:
Stan
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Hi there Stan!! I had six votes, the winner 7! ") Oh well, it was a fun contest! And your review makes me feel better about my entry too! Thank you very much! I am glad this brought some emotions for you. That is what makes it all worthwhile! Happy writing to you! Susan
Comment from Bellringer
An absolutely wonderful story. It was very well written, highly believable and completely held my interest. My, oh my, I was not expecting that ending. Those last few lines packed an emotional wallop. I am glad to have read this. Best wishes, Hector
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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An absolutely wonderful story. It was very well written, highly believable and completely held my interest. My, oh my, I was not expecting that ending. Those last few lines packed an emotional wallop. I am glad to have read this. Best wishes, Hector
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Well what a wonderful review!! THANK YOU Hector! I am thrilled to see you liked this so! I have some technical things to fix, but the emotions are important too! Thank you again, you have made my day! ") Susan
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You are most welcome. Regards, Hector
Comment from Annie995
I have only one word for you. . . . BRILLIANT. Such a touching tale. O how I always hated the thought of sending a loved one to a nursing homes. Anyways loved the story, and the unique concept.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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I have only one word for you. . . . BRILLIANT. Such a touching tale. O how I always hated the thought of sending a loved one to a nursing homes. Anyways loved the story, and the unique concept.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Annie!! Thank you very much!! Your review is so kind, and will help me keep going too. I am happy to hear from you! Happy writing!! Keep cool too! ") Susan
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Susan, I looked over your revions and found it much improved since you resolved the problems ad fixed the SPAG, so I have raised my rating. Good luck!
Roger
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Hi Susan:)
This is a great contest entry, but I think it needs some minor revision. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Cane in hand, Paul Jenkins hobbled slowly from his room to the dining area, which was really, in his mind, a mess hall; to see what awful concoctions they would throw at him today.{I think your opening sentence is unnecessarily too complex for the start of a story or clear meaning. I suggest a simple restructuring, perhaps:
Cane in hand, Paul Jenkins hobbled slowly from his room to the dining area. In his mind, it was just a mess hall where they could throw more of their awful concoctions at him again today.
2. Behind him a soft voice broke his train of thought and he was forced to move from the [door-way ==> doorway] by a small blue haired lady with such thick glasses that she looked just like an owl. {Doorway is not a compound word.}
3. He grumbled under his breath and went to the end of the line, joining in the quest for the [evening's meal ==> evening meal. {The evening does not one the meal.}
4. The chatter in the room reminded him of a school cafeteria, complete with giggling and teasing.
Hmpfff ... ." His blood began to boil. Dinnertime was meant to be spent in front of a television, or quietly at least. {The poor old guy has lost all sense of companionship and camaraderie. Good writing.]
5. Suddenly, squeals of delight rang out, filling the dining room with even more obnoxious chatter. Coming into he room were, oh my GOD, CHILDREN! {Apparently the old man had little contact with children and their sudden appearance was too much for his aging mind and body. They had no place in his life. This paragraph and those following are excellent descriptions of someone in cardiac arrest.}
5. One small girl, around the age of six, slipped away from her grandmother ... little Sopie hid and quietly followed the [guerney ==> gurney] that carried Mr. Jenkins back to the hospital area.{Excellent.}
6. I love the close of this story:
After the excitement and strain had ebbed and all the people were out of the emergency room where he lay, the little girl stepped forward to ask him how he was. She spoke in a whisper, so as not to frighten him and her blonde hair gleamed in the light, giving her the appearance of an angel.
And that is what Mr. Jenkins thought he was seeing. His breath gurgled as he tried to speak and he could do nothing but look at the sight before his tired eyes.
"Are you okay?" The small girl genuinely cared. Her small hands clutched the rails of the hospital bed, her big brown eyes wide with worry.
Mr. Jenkins couldn't speak. But he knew he had either died, or come close and he had been alone. And except for this child, this tiny girl child, he would be still.
He reached out his gnarled hand and as she held it in both of hers, a solitary tear slid down his wrinkled cheek.
From the mouths of babes love and caring can change the most hardened heart.
I will be happy to look over this story again after you make revisions. Then I can perhaps raise your rating.
Roger
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Susan, I looked over your revions and found it much improved since you resolved the problems ad fixed the SPAG, so I have raised my rating. Good luck!
Roger
************************************
Hi Susan:)
This is a great contest entry, but I think it needs some minor revision. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Cane in hand, Paul Jenkins hobbled slowly from his room to the dining area, which was really, in his mind, a mess hall; to see what awful concoctions they would throw at him today.{I think your opening sentence is unnecessarily too complex for the start of a story or clear meaning. I suggest a simple restructuring, perhaps:
Cane in hand, Paul Jenkins hobbled slowly from his room to the dining area. In his mind, it was just a mess hall where they could throw more of their awful concoctions at him again today.
2. Behind him a soft voice broke his train of thought and he was forced to move from the [door-way ==> doorway] by a small blue haired lady with such thick glasses that she looked just like an owl. {Doorway is not a compound word.}
3. He grumbled under his breath and went to the end of the line, joining in the quest for the [evening's meal ==> evening meal. {The evening does not one the meal.}
4. The chatter in the room reminded him of a school cafeteria, complete with giggling and teasing.
Hmpfff ... ." His blood began to boil. Dinnertime was meant to be spent in front of a television, or quietly at least. {The poor old guy has lost all sense of companionship and camaraderie. Good writing.]
5. Suddenly, squeals of delight rang out, filling the dining room with even more obnoxious chatter. Coming into he room were, oh my GOD, CHILDREN! {Apparently the old man had little contact with children and their sudden appearance was too much for his aging mind and body. They had no place in his life. This paragraph and those following are excellent descriptions of someone in cardiac arrest.}
5. One small girl, around the age of six, slipped away from her grandmother ... little Sopie hid and quietly followed the [guerney ==> gurney] that carried Mr. Jenkins back to the hospital area.{Excellent.}
6. I love the close of this story:
After the excitement and strain had ebbed and all the people were out of the emergency room where he lay, the little girl stepped forward to ask him how he was. She spoke in a whisper, so as not to frighten him and her blonde hair gleamed in the light, giving her the appearance of an angel.
And that is what Mr. Jenkins thought he was seeing. His breath gurgled as he tried to speak and he could do nothing but look at the sight before his tired eyes.
"Are you okay?" The small girl genuinely cared. Her small hands clutched the rails of the hospital bed, her big brown eyes wide with worry.
Mr. Jenkins couldn't speak. But he knew he had either died, or come close and he had been alone. And except for this child, this tiny girl child, he would be still.
He reached out his gnarled hand and as she held it in both of hers, a solitary tear slid down his wrinkled cheek.
From the mouths of babes love and caring can change the most hardened heart.
I will be happy to look over this story again after you make revisions. Then I can perhaps raise your rating.
Roger
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Roger!! What a helpful and wonderful review!! Thank you, I will correct these things too! I am always grateful to you and those who genuinely try to correct me. I don't do this much because I do not feel qualified yet? Thank you with all my heart!! Thanks again!! You are very much appreciated! Susan
Comment from sugardog
Nice job, Susan. You are so good at narratives and your stories are always so touching. I loved the ending and the transformation this man had. You really let us see inside his head. Your last line is wonderful. Take care, my friend, Dana
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Nice job, Susan. You are so good at narratives and your stories are always so touching. I loved the ending and the transformation this man had. You really let us see inside his head. Your last line is wonderful. Take care, my friend, Dana
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Dana! Thank you so much! This was a fun contest! I guess there are people like this, I knew a man once who was sort of like this. But he didn't have a heart attack, that I knew of? Thank you for reviewing this for me! I really appreciate it Dana!! ") luv, Susan
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You are welcome, my friend!!! Dana
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Oh, what a touching story, Sue...
an old man learns a lesson in
compassion.
with it's hard
with its hard
it's chrome
its
walk carefully?? - steadily or maybe slowly
auborn - auburn
quest - do you mean queue
thing here[,] that - comma not needed
Coming into (t)he room - add "t"
guerney - gurney
re-vived - revived
where he lay - laid
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Oh, what a touching story, Sue...
an old man learns a lesson in
compassion.
with it's hard
with its hard
it's chrome
its
walk carefully?? - steadily or maybe slowly
auborn - auburn
quest - do you mean queue
thing here[,] that - comma not needed
Coming into (t)he room - add "t"
guerney - gurney
re-vived - revived
where he lay - laid
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Margaret! Thank you!! I will make these corrections asap! I am thrilled to have you read this for me! SO good to hear from you!! Luv! Susan
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We have the most perfect weather here now - and wonder if we are going to have an Indian Summer - perfect in every way. We are thinking of having Christmas, after our family-get-together - in Portugal - 4 days in Lisbon and then drive down to Albuferia on the Algarve for 10 days - fly home 27th to spend the New Year with our family - just enquiring if we can pick up a hired car at Lisbon and drop it off at Faro airport the day we come home. The weather won't be hot there, but comfortable, which makes it pleasant to browse around. M
