Lords Of The Sky
Flash Fiction, Complete Story in 770 Words46 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good edits. still a few places you can tighten and trim. i think if you read Les's essay you'll get a god idea of how to do more. m giving five stars in advance.
Here's an example:
He bit off the end and spit it out. As he tipped the vine toward him, water flowed. He drank, almost like drinking water from a wine skin.
Suggested trim:
He bit off the end, spit it out, and tipped the vine forward until water flowed. He drank, like water from a wine skin.
that is tighter but conveys the same thing. it can be trimmed even more-
He bit off the end, spit it out, and tipped the vine forward until he could drink as if from a wine skin.
First review (FOUR stars)
Great story! Love the ending giving a different perspective about 'primitives'. The story suits the theme required in contest criteria. However, for flash fiction, it could still use some trimming.
*These two sentences(below) are a bit wordy for flash--you can use fewer words to convey same thing (let me know if you want an example) Also, using adverbs is basically forbidden in flash (I just took the class with Les). Have you read his essay on flash fiction? It's very helpful for this genre).
They were some of the most highly trained personnel in the U.S. arsenal. After all, they were responsible for flying multi-million dollar war machines.
*Try to use conjunctions in dialog when possible. Also, try to make every word count. For example:
I got to tell you, Billy, I should have paid more attention, but I know we can't drink this water. They said that it's full of parasites and other crap.
Suggestion:
I gotta tell you, Billy, I should've paid more attention, but I know we can't drink this water. They said it's full of parasites.
And here:
"Hello. We are pilots in jungle training. We are lost. Do you speak English?"
"Hello. We're pilots in jungle training. We're lost. Do you speak English?"
There are a number of other places that could use trimming here and there. the pace is good, but I think for flash it should be crisper adn swifter.
I have to go just now--but if you want more detailed suggestions, let me know and I'll try to return.
Good luck in the contest!
Warmly,r d
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010
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Second review
Good edits. still a few places you can tighten and trim. i think if you read Les's essay you'll get a god idea of how to do more. m giving five stars in advance.
Here's an example:
He bit off the end and spit it out. As he tipped the vine toward him, water flowed. He drank, almost like drinking water from a wine skin.
Suggested trim:
He bit off the end, spit it out, and tipped the vine forward until water flowed. He drank, like water from a wine skin.
that is tighter but conveys the same thing. it can be trimmed even more-
He bit off the end, spit it out, and tipped the vine forward until he could drink as if from a wine skin.
First review (FOUR stars)
Great story! Love the ending giving a different perspective about 'primitives'. The story suits the theme required in contest criteria. However, for flash fiction, it could still use some trimming.
*These two sentences(below) are a bit wordy for flash--you can use fewer words to convey same thing (let me know if you want an example) Also, using adverbs is basically forbidden in flash (I just took the class with Les). Have you read his essay on flash fiction? It's very helpful for this genre).
They were some of the most highly trained personnel in the U.S. arsenal. After all, they were responsible for flying multi-million dollar war machines.
*Try to use conjunctions in dialog when possible. Also, try to make every word count. For example:
I got to tell you, Billy, I should have paid more attention, but I know we can't drink this water. They said that it's full of parasites and other crap.
Suggestion:
I gotta tell you, Billy, I should've paid more attention, but I know we can't drink this water. They said it's full of parasites.
And here:
"Hello. We are pilots in jungle training. We are lost. Do you speak English?"
"Hello. We're pilots in jungle training. We're lost. Do you speak English?"
There are a number of other places that could use trimming here and there. the pace is good, but I think for flash it should be crisper adn swifter.
I have to go just now--but if you want more detailed suggestions, let me know and I'll try to return.
Good luck in the contest!
Warmly,r d
Comment Written 20-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010
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Hey rd- I'll have to print this one out. I very much appreciate your suggestions and I'll definitely take a look. No, I haven't taken the class - maybe some day. I've not had a writing class since college (long time ago), and it was business and professional writing!
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I highly recommend you browse Les's essay about flash--incredibly helpful. LEs's pen name is Suneagle...and the essay will be in his portfolio. Warmly, rd
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I'll definitely browse. I took your suggestions to heart, stole shamelessly and made some changes :) Bill
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Will take another peek..
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Thanks - I'm getting it, slow, but I'm old. I will read Les's essay. I'm supposed to be working today, so really cheating a wee bit.
Comment from zeezeewriter
Most excellent. I enjoyed the read. You are entertaining. I like entertaining. I am not sure you need me to pump you..no pun intended. You seem to be doing very well on your own. Winning contest's makes you popular. Popular is important on Fanstory. Good writing is spectacular on Fanstory. Good luck. Zee Zee Writer.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2010
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Most excellent. I enjoyed the read. You are entertaining. I like entertaining. I am not sure you need me to pump you..no pun intended. You seem to be doing very well on your own. Winning contest's makes you popular. Popular is important on Fanstory. Good writing is spectacular on Fanstory. Good luck. Zee Zee Writer.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2010
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Thanks Z - I very much appreciate your reading the story and then for your kind and generous feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from lola29
As usual, you've delivered a terrific story, and your skilled writing made it a pleasure to read. I was struck by the ending remarks. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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As usual, you've delivered a terrific story, and your skilled writing made it a pleasure to read. I was struck by the ending remarks. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Thanks for visiting Lola - where have you been? I always am alerted with your postings and I haven't seen anything in awhile. Thanks for reading and your kind remarks.
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I've been on vacation.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
I'm mostly looking for spag issues tonight, my friend. Your contest entry looks good, from a quick view. No errors that I found. Good job.
Isaiah Ramesses
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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I'm mostly looking for spag issues tonight, my friend. Your contest entry looks good, from a quick view. No errors that I found. Good job.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 10-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Thanks Isaiah - Hopefully, I've sorted through most of them. Regards, Bill
Comment from Frances Jean
Hi Bill I really enjoyed reading your flash fiction survival story. How interesting...and how ignorant we all are of jungle craft! Flowed along nicely. Well done and good luck in the competition. Frances
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Hi Bill I really enjoyed reading your flash fiction survival story. How interesting...and how ignorant we all are of jungle craft! Flowed along nicely. Well done and good luck in the competition. Frances
Comment Written 10-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading Frances and for the complement of a six. The hardest part for me on this was to stick with the "flash" when what I really wanted to do was "flesh".
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You're most welcome Bill
Comment from Soledadpaz
So very true. It's not cool to pay attention, take notes and learn. Better to fly by the seat of your pants and hope for an angel to pop out of the jungle!
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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So very true. It's not cool to pay attention, take notes and learn. Better to fly by the seat of your pants and hope for an angel to pop out of the jungle!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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You are so right. Thanks for reading and your review. Regards, Bill
Comment from animatqua
Great joke! I always enjoy your writing. You draw clear pictures, ones that are short, sharp, and need no more fill in than you give them. This story fits in with that rule beautifully.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Great joke! I always enjoy your writing. You draw clear pictures, ones that are short, sharp, and need no more fill in than you give them. This story fits in with that rule beautifully.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and for your kind words! Regards, Bill
Comment from Thesis
I enjoyed this story for the writing and the message it contains.
The two high tech pilots didn't have to sweat the small stuff, until they were totally out of their element. Forty eight hours is a long time on the ground in a strange place, with no provisions.
- Thesis
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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I enjoyed this story for the writing and the message it contains.
The two high tech pilots didn't have to sweat the small stuff, until they were totally out of their element. Forty eight hours is a long time on the ground in a strange place, with no provisions.
- Thesis
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading T - I'm glad you enjoyed this,
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill..You have a dandy little story here, my friend. Not a lot of excitement, but the imagery more than makes up for that. Yuck on that crap to eat though. LOL...Good luck in the contest, Bill..you will do well, I believe. Bob
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Hi, Bill..You have a dandy little story here, my friend. Not a lot of excitement, but the imagery more than makes up for that. Yuck on that crap to eat though. LOL...Good luck in the contest, Bill..you will do well, I believe. Bob
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading Bob - the difficulty for me on this was the "flash" part. I've had an outline of this story done for quite awhile, and normally would have had more "flesh" on it. After the contest, I may re-write, probably twice as long. Regards, Bill
Comment from Jessica Bell
How very true - the people will consider to be primitive are much more advanced when it comes to using our natural resources to take care of themselves. Billy and Jess spend time wandering through and around the very plants that could have provided them comfort - water, water, everywhere!
One small nitpick - when the child introduced himself and his family ("My name is Marma. This is my father, Sambal and my mother, Letee. We can show you how to get to airplanes.") it seems a little complex for a native with a rudimentary grasp of English. I would expect it to be heavy on nouns and not so structured. Just a thought!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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How very true - the people will consider to be primitive are much more advanced when it comes to using our natural resources to take care of themselves. Billy and Jess spend time wandering through and around the very plants that could have provided them comfort - water, water, everywhere!
One small nitpick - when the child introduced himself and his family ("My name is Marma. This is my father, Sambal and my mother, Letee. We can show you how to get to airplanes.") it seems a little complex for a native with a rudimentary grasp of English. I would expect it to be heavy on nouns and not so structured. Just a thought!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Thanks Jessica - you are right, but I did take some liberties when writing flash fiction. Oddly enough, this is a story that I've had outline for awhile and when the contest is over, I would like to go back and instead of flash, perhps "flesh". Thanks for reading.
