Josey's story
Railroad near Tucson, Sonora desert, 1881 (Long!!)31 total reviews
Comment from Earthwriter
i think you did a good job of adding an aspect of realism to this story very powerfully done my friend i very much enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece
reply by the author on 26-May-2010
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i think you did a good job of adding an aspect of realism to this story very powerfully done my friend i very much enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 26-May-2010
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Thank you very much Earthwriter, for taking time to read and review, and for your encouraging words - Cally :)
Comment from bohemiangeek
Your story was interesting piece of the western past. I enjoyed how you place historical places with fictional characters. It made it so more believable.
reply by the author on 26-May-2010
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Your story was interesting piece of the western past. I enjoyed how you place historical places with fictional characters. It made it so more believable.
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 26-May-2010
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. It is much appreciated - Cally :)
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Upgrading as you made revisions, but will re-read in a day or tow so mind is fresh again. I breezed through and also looked at some of the changes---very good! But will read carefully one more time--soon. Bravo for good revision efforts!
First review (Three stars)
Excellent character development and interesting historically influenced story. Nice theme of divine protection. You brought the scenes to life and held my attention for the most part, though I must admit to wanting to skim in some places. I think this is a bit long and could use trimming and polishing,a bit.
SUGGESTIONS-
*"That's the first thing you got to do, Josey boy(,)" he said aloud.
* There are some sentences slightly wording that you might consider tightening. For example--
--He first became aware of his eyes, they were itchy and as he slowly woke up and rubbed them, he could feel they were swollen.
* Also, be careful of overusing adverbs---for example:
Then she gently guided him under the seat and quickly
* Careful of overusing ellipses too many in row (happens a couple of times)
* Some of the longer paragraphs can especially use trimming.
* I recommend you scan through for formatting typos, like here, you need line breaks between the dialog--
still trickling from his feet and upper arm...
"Noooooooooooo! Aaaaaaaagh! I hate this place, I hate it, I hate it!"
He slumped down onto his bottom and his knees
and here there should NOT be a line break, I think--
"Get up! Get up, please get up" He pulled at her clothing, and shook her.(NO LINE BREAK)
"Please Mother, get up,
*NOt sure about this section, i think it needs reworking with punctuaiton and line breaks
And the others... he had never seen murder like this before, and he prayed he would never...
"never, ever, never, never, never see it again! Oh Lord, please help me!" His hands pushed at his sweaty forehead and then pulled at his hair.
I did not go through line by line for spag in a second read as I usually do, because this is so long and I've spent a ton of time already!
But I enjoyed it and hope you make revisions, as this story deserves to shine.
Good luck in the contest.
Wamrly, rd
PS Thanks for the interesting author's notes as well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Second review
Upgrading as you made revisions, but will re-read in a day or tow so mind is fresh again. I breezed through and also looked at some of the changes---very good! But will read carefully one more time--soon. Bravo for good revision efforts!
First review (Three stars)
Excellent character development and interesting historically influenced story. Nice theme of divine protection. You brought the scenes to life and held my attention for the most part, though I must admit to wanting to skim in some places. I think this is a bit long and could use trimming and polishing,a bit.
SUGGESTIONS-
*"That's the first thing you got to do, Josey boy(,)" he said aloud.
* There are some sentences slightly wording that you might consider tightening. For example--
--He first became aware of his eyes, they were itchy and as he slowly woke up and rubbed them, he could feel they were swollen.
* Also, be careful of overusing adverbs---for example:
Then she gently guided him under the seat and quickly
* Careful of overusing ellipses too many in row (happens a couple of times)
* Some of the longer paragraphs can especially use trimming.
* I recommend you scan through for formatting typos, like here, you need line breaks between the dialog--
still trickling from his feet and upper arm...
"Noooooooooooo! Aaaaaaaagh! I hate this place, I hate it, I hate it!"
He slumped down onto his bottom and his knees
and here there should NOT be a line break, I think--
"Get up! Get up, please get up" He pulled at her clothing, and shook her.(NO LINE BREAK)
"Please Mother, get up,
*NOt sure about this section, i think it needs reworking with punctuaiton and line breaks
And the others... he had never seen murder like this before, and he prayed he would never...
"never, ever, never, never, never see it again! Oh Lord, please help me!" His hands pushed at his sweaty forehead and then pulled at his hair.
I did not go through line by line for spag in a second read as I usually do, because this is so long and I've spent a ton of time already!
But I enjoyed it and hope you make revisions, as this story deserves to shine.
Good luck in the contest.
Wamrly, rd
PS Thanks for the interesting author's notes as well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Thanks so much for reviewing Rama! Very much appreciated, especially the suggestions, most of which I have now attended to!
Cheers - Cally :)
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Thanks for your gracious response to my critique! I will read again tomorrow as it is late night here in India so I am singing off now--Please remind if I forget to re-read and re-review. ;)
Warmly, rd
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Should tell you then I have only changed minor suggestions. I have not yet shortened as I am pushed for time! Good night - Cally :)
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Hi Rama, OK I've had another really good look at this now - thanks for the suggestions!Can't say I've shortened it much but I have tried to make it flow smoother! Thanks again - Cally :)
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Thanks a lot for upgrading your review - Cally :)))
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most welcome. :-)
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most welcome. :-)
Comment from bhogg
I didn't do a good job of checking for errors or editing. Its your fault though - you wrote a story that captured and kept my attention. I've entered this contest as well. I've seen some strong entries. Good luck!
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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I didn't do a good job of checking for errors or editing. Its your fault though - you wrote a story that captured and kept my attention. I've entered this contest as well. I've seen some strong entries. Good luck!
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Hi, yes I reviewed "Child of God" - it is a very strong entry too! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing, it is much appreciated, and good luck to you too! - Cally :)
Comment from ulster3
Hello fairydancer.
This was an entertaining learning experience. Further, it is acknowledgement of those brave immigrants to America over the years. I feel we owe everything we have here to them. Kudos for a well researched exceptional story. This should do well in the contest because it holds the reader through the high word count.
Fondly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Hello fairydancer.
This was an entertaining learning experience. Further, it is acknowledgement of those brave immigrants to America over the years. I feel we owe everything we have here to them. Kudos for a well researched exceptional story. This should do well in the contest because it holds the reader through the high word count.
Fondly, Rebecca
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Thank you so much, Rebecca, for reading, enjoying, reviewing, and your wonderfully encouraging and uplifting comments. So glad you were able to learn something too! I really appreciate your opinion, especially as I consider you a talented wordsmith too! - Cally :)
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Gee thanks Cally. This work earned the rating and comments. :)
Comment from franban
This is a well written story with good use of descriptive language. I think that it jumped around a bit making it more difficult to follow. The extensive research is evident however and gives the reader a better understanding of the scene. I would have liked for the character to be developed more fully without as much of the color commentary but otherwise a very enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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This is a well written story with good use of descriptive language. I think that it jumped around a bit making it more difficult to follow. The extensive research is evident however and gives the reader a better understanding of the scene. I would have liked for the character to be developed more fully without as much of the color commentary but otherwise a very enjoyable read.
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Hi franban, thanks for reading and reviewing. Yes, I kept telling myself 'what is happening is not so important as how he handles it' for this strong character contest. But this is only the second story I have written since childhood. I now think that my 'natural style' is quite flamboyant and descriptive, which is good for some things, but may need taming a bit for others.
Thanks again - Cally :)
Comment from patmedium
THIS is a wonderful story. Well written, full of stunning images for the blank canvas of my mind's eye. The emotions come across crystal clear. More of this calibre, please. Good luck with the comp. Pat.
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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THIS is a wonderful story. Well written, full of stunning images for the blank canvas of my mind's eye. The emotions come across crystal clear. More of this calibre, please. Good luck with the comp. Pat.
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Thank you so much Pat! I am bowled over by the six from YOU, such a good writer!
Yes, I had an important insight in to writing recently. I realised that all my older poems were crap! ...because they were something I needed to write, express, let go of, etc...and the first story I wrote on this site (and since I was a child) was based on my life experiences, but it was not a story designed to entertain, sadden, uplift, create suspense etc. This one was - I am glad you appreciated the improvement - it means my insight was RIGHT! ...and YES, I shall try to do this in the future! Thanks again - Cally :)
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Excuse me... how do you reckon ME to be a good writer?
Cally, I arrived here in mid December... Not been around much longer'n you! You know I am a working psychic medium, don't you? Well, 'THEY' have been around so long now, I can't really tell the difference anymore betwixt what originates from ME and what's prompted by THEM!!!!
I do know they are responsible for much of what I write... I have no muse, as such. My 'gang' are my muses! My Mum, Dad, late husband, Higher self, etc.
I am, however, a lifelong READER... especially of Louis L'Amour's westerns. LOL. Pat. xxxxxx
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I reckon you to be a good writer because sometimes I enjoy what you say, sometimes it makes me think, sometimes I learn something or laugh, etc. Whether it comes from you or through you is not so important to me, YOU are the one putting it down and doing the work to share it - please take some credit, if only a very little! Look forward to reading another one of YOUR (used collectively if you prefer LOL!) little gems soon - Cally xxx
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Welcome to the lunacy club! xxxxxx
Comment from fionageorge
A powerful story, with great narration, good use of dialogue where appropriate, which not only brought your characters to life, it also moved your story at a good pace. Your building of characters was good.
The main problem I had was the length of some of your paragraphs. Very long, hard on the eyes. They need breaking up.
But overall, a good story. Good luck in the contest, and warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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A powerful story, with great narration, good use of dialogue where appropriate, which not only brought your characters to life, it also moved your story at a good pace. Your building of characters was good.
The main problem I had was the length of some of your paragraphs. Very long, hard on the eyes. They need breaking up.
But overall, a good story. Good luck in the contest, and warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Thank you so much, Marijke, for reviewing! Sorry it was hard on your eyes - I have edited it now and broken some of the longer paragraphs up a bit - thanks for the tip! ...and all those wonderfully encouraging comments!! - Cally :)
Comment from Janine Ellis-Fynn
This is a well written and descriptive chapter. You have developed your character well and your imagery is vivid. I felt as if I were right there! Good job.
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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This is a well written and descriptive chapter. You have developed your character well and your imagery is vivid. I felt as if I were right there! Good job.
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Thanks so much, Janine Ellis-Fynn, for your most encouraging words, glad you could get into the story - Cally :)
Comment from Deejharrington
An excellent story! I enjoyed reading all of it. It sounded very real and probably close to the truth of what went on during the Old West. Your characters were real and believable. The plot was well crafted and written.
dj
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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An excellent story! I enjoyed reading all of it. It sounded very real and probably close to the truth of what went on during the Old West. Your characters were real and believable. The plot was well crafted and written.
dj
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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Thanks DJ, for taking time to review, and for such inspiring comments! I am truly glad you enjoyed, and that you thought the characters and plot were believable - Cally :)))
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you're welcome
deb
