Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Remember..."A collection of short stories and flash fiction
17 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A well written, well presented
piece of descriptive writing,
which was so easy to follow
and understand... intriguing
and rather darkly horrific
in places.
All in all, a darn good
read.
Well done, Gwynn - and good luck with the contest.
Margaret.
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A well written, well presented
piece of descriptive writing,
which was so easy to follow
and understand... intriguing
and rather darkly horrific
in places.
All in all, a darn good
read.
Well done, Gwynn - and good luck with the contest.
Margaret.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
Comment from Metaphor57
Your writing skills are pretty good, but your story telling skills are way off the mark. The story must have MOMENTUM. It's got to move. You don't want to stop the story to explain what is happening--EVER! To have momentum, you must have action and interaction. All this internal dialogue, all this introspection, all this wringing of the hands kills your story--dead! Stop analyzing for the reader. Your job is to present the action. Show what is happening. The reader will figure it out, and the emotion will be even more powerful.
A mother's son is off to war. One day while washing dishes, she sees through the window a military car pull up and park in front of her house. She watches a young lieutenant and a minister get out of the car. She staggers to the porch. The lieutenant hands her a telegram. She places her hand on the side of the house to steady herself. She reads the telegram. No longer able to support her weight, she sits on the porch floor. The lieutenant and the preacher rush to pull her to her feet while saying, "Mrs. Kruger, please! For god's sake, it's going to be all right."
The writer didn't explain anything, but the reader gets it, and the story is much more powerful than it would be if the writer explained, and analyzed, and wept, and wailed for the reader.
On rare occasions, in the dialogue, you can have the characters say how they feel about something or explain what is going on, but this should be a rare event.
In the first five paragraphs of your story, you have one interesting sentence: "I was nine years old when my sister was murdered." That's a killer sentence. You should run with that.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Your writing skills are pretty good, but your story telling skills are way off the mark. The story must have MOMENTUM. It's got to move. You don't want to stop the story to explain what is happening--EVER! To have momentum, you must have action and interaction. All this internal dialogue, all this introspection, all this wringing of the hands kills your story--dead! Stop analyzing for the reader. Your job is to present the action. Show what is happening. The reader will figure it out, and the emotion will be even more powerful.
A mother's son is off to war. One day while washing dishes, she sees through the window a military car pull up and park in front of her house. She watches a young lieutenant and a minister get out of the car. She staggers to the porch. The lieutenant hands her a telegram. She places her hand on the side of the house to steady herself. She reads the telegram. No longer able to support her weight, she sits on the porch floor. The lieutenant and the preacher rush to pull her to her feet while saying, "Mrs. Kruger, please! For god's sake, it's going to be all right."
The writer didn't explain anything, but the reader gets it, and the story is much more powerful than it would be if the writer explained, and analyzed, and wept, and wailed for the reader.
On rare occasions, in the dialogue, you can have the characters say how they feel about something or explain what is going on, but this should be a rare event.
In the first five paragraphs of your story, you have one interesting sentence: "I was nine years old when my sister was murdered." That's a killer sentence. You should run with that.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
Comment from paperback writer
A very moving piece. One question I have: Did his mother know about the sexual abuse of her daughter? I particularly liked the phrase "unlock the prison doors I had so carelessly placed over the memories". I did find it a bit long, though, and somethimes almost lost interest when you swept me up again. Like a rollercoaster ride. Very well written.
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A very moving piece. One question I have: Did his mother know about the sexual abuse of her daughter? I particularly liked the phrase "unlock the prison doors I had so carelessly placed over the memories". I did find it a bit long, though, and somethimes almost lost interest when you swept me up again. Like a rollercoaster ride. Very well written.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2010
Comment from dragonqueen1983
i wish you the best of luck in the contest as you have a good story here. its nice to see that you are writing and posting again
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i wish you the best of luck in the contest as you have a good story here. its nice to see that you are writing and posting again
Comment Written 01-Mar-2010
Comment from brighteyes
This is extremely well written. You really have a lot of talented. The descriptions were excellent and the emotion of the story really came through.
My only problem is, I don't find this scenerio all that believable. I'm no expert on criminal psychology, but I have studied a bit... I just feel like the first murder would have been a crime of fear or passion. I am willing to believe that the horror, shame, guilt, etc. that the father experienced would have eventually turned him into a serial killer. Murdering a daughter could surely have that effect... but I think that it would take him years to get to that point. A serial killer is a very different person than someone who kills out of anger and fear of getting caught.
Of course, this is only my opinion. It's a well written story, but I just can't make that jump and believe it.
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This is extremely well written. You really have a lot of talented. The descriptions were excellent and the emotion of the story really came through.
My only problem is, I don't find this scenerio all that believable. I'm no expert on criminal psychology, but I have studied a bit... I just feel like the first murder would have been a crime of fear or passion. I am willing to believe that the horror, shame, guilt, etc. that the father experienced would have eventually turned him into a serial killer. Murdering a daughter could surely have that effect... but I think that it would take him years to get to that point. A serial killer is a very different person than someone who kills out of anger and fear of getting caught.
Of course, this is only my opinion. It's a well written story, but I just can't make that jump and believe it.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
Comment from lola29
Your story is certainly filled with horror, and who would want to relive those memories. I've always heard what doesn't kill us will make us stronger--I wonder after reading this. Your entry should score very high marks, because it is awesome.
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Your story is certainly filled with horror, and who would want to relive those memories. I've always heard what doesn't kill us will make us stronger--I wonder after reading this. Your entry should score very high marks, because it is awesome.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
Comment from Tellis
I would never see her look as vibrant and alive as I did at that moment. Wouldn't it sound better if you said, "as vibrant and alive as she did at that moment." This is the only thing I saw and it may be you meant it to go this way.
The depth of your story telling is incredible and I was completely drawn into the story.
Tellis
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I would never see her look as vibrant and alive as I did at that moment. Wouldn't it sound better if you said, "as vibrant and alive as she did at that moment." This is the only thing I saw and it may be you meant it to go this way.
The depth of your story telling is incredible and I was completely drawn into the story.
Tellis
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
Comment from anabelle
Ouch! How awful to find your father, not only the local mass murderer, but the murderer of his own daughter. Really good story and narrated in a good voice.
Best of luck in the contest.
Kind regards, anabelle
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Ouch! How awful to find your father, not only the local mass murderer, but the murderer of his own daughter. Really good story and narrated in a good voice.
Best of luck in the contest.
Kind regards, anabelle
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
Comment from fictionwriter
Really great read. I thought this was really captivating and well put together. I was so caught up in it, that I didn't see any errors if they were there. Great job.
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Really great read. I thought this was really captivating and well put together. I was so caught up in it, that I didn't see any errors if they were there. Great job.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
I like how you use the opening sentence to indicate a door to the mind.
You make it obvious from the start that there is something that the boy should remember, but it keeps eluding him.
I did wonder at one stage if he had killed his sister, but not until you start to mention his father hugging his sister and her reluctance, did it occur to me that it might be the father.
The story kept my interest as it skillfully unfolds, albeit a rather long single entry.
Juliette
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I like how you use the opening sentence to indicate a door to the mind.
You make it obvious from the start that there is something that the boy should remember, but it keeps eluding him.
I did wonder at one stage if he had killed his sister, but not until you start to mention his father hugging his sister and her reluctance, did it occur to me that it might be the father.
The story kept my interest as it skillfully unfolds, albeit a rather long single entry.
Juliette
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
