Trailer Trash
a non-fiction experience35 total reviews
Comment from ZeBestBlonde1
victortouche,
hello to you. I actually read this story the other day, then again yesterday and decided to have another look see again today. It's been one of those reads where I just didn't know...something was on my mind when I read it-still NOT figured it out.
Ha ha! Pretty good title-very fitting for the story and the main female character.
You told this story pretty well I felt. Possibly a little more dialogue, but it was still a good story. I do know if you separate your dialogue from the rest of the story and not put it in with the action and all-it makes it that much clearer, easy to read and it also helps it to stand out. Otherwise it gets all confused for some in places and I don't know-having written several books and published, that's what I've done and my first two editors that saw my 1st novel said that's the way it's done and were so glad they didn't have to sort it all out.
I did like the part about how you said after awhile people do not even realize they act how they are treated-I think that is true, which is why in the end when someone really changes with their looks-they don't see it or fee a change so fast.
Great story
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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victortouche,
hello to you. I actually read this story the other day, then again yesterday and decided to have another look see again today. It's been one of those reads where I just didn't know...something was on my mind when I read it-still NOT figured it out.
Ha ha! Pretty good title-very fitting for the story and the main female character.
You told this story pretty well I felt. Possibly a little more dialogue, but it was still a good story. I do know if you separate your dialogue from the rest of the story and not put it in with the action and all-it makes it that much clearer, easy to read and it also helps it to stand out. Otherwise it gets all confused for some in places and I don't know-having written several books and published, that's what I've done and my first two editors that saw my 1st novel said that's the way it's done and were so glad they didn't have to sort it all out.
I did like the part about how you said after awhile people do not even realize they act how they are treated-I think that is true, which is why in the end when someone really changes with their looks-they don't see it or fee a change so fast.
Great story
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Thank U so much. And yes U are right about the dialogue. I just have to find time to fix it. By the way, "the twins" are sometimes what girls call their"twin assets". Remember?
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victortouche, lol I'm quite aware of what twin assets as I've got a pretty good set myself-ha! Some things ya just canNOT forget-lol
You are welcome, Karlene
Comment from Kingmb
Well done. Perhaps some more spaces in paragraphs will help easy the reading. Strong first few paragraphs as an intro it really leads the reader into the heart of a unique story.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Well done. Perhaps some more spaces in paragraphs will help easy the reading. Strong first few paragraphs as an intro it really leads the reader into the heart of a unique story.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Thank U. U are right in your critique.
Comment from Jonesy
In some ways the conversational tone of the writing is a strong selling point, but think it could use a little more polish to bring that home. In particular editing things that aren't quite so important might help; I thought this tended to ramble quite a lot and should probably stay a little more on topic. Don't have to cut everything that doesn't relate to the main theme of course, but also need to get the balance right.
Something else I liked was the detail, that is so important to any story. Again, a little more editing to remove some unneded parts, but overall done really well.
Also, a little more work on SPAG related things is needed. Not a big deal, but would give it a more professional feel. It's not that far off, though.
The final thing is the sentence structure is fairly non-standard, lots of short sentences designed to enhance that conversational tone I mentioned earlier. But because it's not the norm it's also hard to pull off. Again, pretty close on that and think just more experience is all that's needed
So to sum up there are things to like, quite a bit actually, but a little better editing, proofreading and experience. Noticed this is the author's first non-poem post, so if new to prose should feel very encouraged, regardless of the rating.
***Well, I thought to myself, walking down the perfectly manicured first fairway at M.M.M. Country Club***
This is a fragment. Easy change to use a comma at the end and combine with following sentence
***four more of my long time golfing buddies***
Why use "more"? Doesn't seem needed
***Now, I've been a member***
Intro words like "Now" are generally frowned upon. They don't bring anything significant to the writing (happens in a few other places, too)
***Now, I've been a member here a long time...***
The first few sentences in this paragraph are hard to follow. It tends to jump between topics a bit
***The depth of your swagger is directly related to three things.***
Should end with colon
***Spacing with parentheses***
The accepted is to have a space between them and the rest of the writing; it makes easier to read
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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In some ways the conversational tone of the writing is a strong selling point, but think it could use a little more polish to bring that home. In particular editing things that aren't quite so important might help; I thought this tended to ramble quite a lot and should probably stay a little more on topic. Don't have to cut everything that doesn't relate to the main theme of course, but also need to get the balance right.
Something else I liked was the detail, that is so important to any story. Again, a little more editing to remove some unneded parts, but overall done really well.
Also, a little more work on SPAG related things is needed. Not a big deal, but would give it a more professional feel. It's not that far off, though.
The final thing is the sentence structure is fairly non-standard, lots of short sentences designed to enhance that conversational tone I mentioned earlier. But because it's not the norm it's also hard to pull off. Again, pretty close on that and think just more experience is all that's needed
So to sum up there are things to like, quite a bit actually, but a little better editing, proofreading and experience. Noticed this is the author's first non-poem post, so if new to prose should feel very encouraged, regardless of the rating.
***Well, I thought to myself, walking down the perfectly manicured first fairway at M.M.M. Country Club***
This is a fragment. Easy change to use a comma at the end and combine with following sentence
***four more of my long time golfing buddies***
Why use "more"? Doesn't seem needed
***Now, I've been a member***
Intro words like "Now" are generally frowned upon. They don't bring anything significant to the writing (happens in a few other places, too)
***Now, I've been a member here a long time...***
The first few sentences in this paragraph are hard to follow. It tends to jump between topics a bit
***The depth of your swagger is directly related to three things.***
Should end with colon
***Spacing with parentheses***
The accepted is to have a space between them and the rest of the writing; it makes easier to read
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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A very nice and helpful review. I appreciate the honesty and the sincerity. I WILL try to apply what U have said. Thank U.
Comment from patmedium
I have a cousin who is a dentist. He, too, says the same thing.
I must say, I found this to be a very entertaining read.
You managed to hold my attention from start to finish. Reads well aloud, too.
Congratulations. Pat.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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I have a cousin who is a dentist. He, too, says the same thing.
I must say, I found this to be a very entertaining read.
You managed to hold my attention from start to finish. Reads well aloud, too.
Congratulations. Pat.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Thank U. And I do medium it.(mean it) lol, just in case U thought I was being a smart ass.
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It wasd my pleasure, sir, she said! Pat.
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I never thought you wuz being a smartass... I really have to have that sort of stuff UNDERLINED to me before I think that! One of this world's least suspicious souls, me! Pat.
Comment from Mrs Jones
I enjoyed the story and it is well written, but very difficult to read. Some of the paragraphs are too long and you need to seperate the dialogue from the naration.
Well done
Cheers
Rose
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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I enjoyed the story and it is well written, but very difficult to read. Some of the paragraphs are too long and you need to seperate the dialogue from the naration.
Well done
Cheers
Rose
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Hey...hey....Mrs., Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones ( do U get that a lot?), a very accurate review. We both know that it's ...right(lol) but----ok, I give up.
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We gotta be extra careful that we don't get our hopes up too high..Hehe! Don't get it so much now - I'm old hat on this site.
Comment from Writeaway...
Another great piece by you, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, excellent job, keep writing!!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Another great piece by you, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, excellent job, keep writing!!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Very nice of U. thanks.
Comment from Rama Rao
Good rambling thoughts. You started with Golf, passed on to women, to dentist's work and women, not necessarily in that order. You made it interesting to read somehow.
Of course no heroics, no great events, but you managed to keep me reading. At the end I wondered what it was all about.
You also used a word conniption, which I couldn't follow. Could you please tell me what it is?
You wrote "All the "boys" gather round for grunting, back slapping, and pecking order." I get the drift of it, but can we club pecking order with the other two here?
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Good rambling thoughts. You started with Golf, passed on to women, to dentist's work and women, not necessarily in that order. You made it interesting to read somehow.
Of course no heroics, no great events, but you managed to keep me reading. At the end I wondered what it was all about.
You also used a word conniption, which I couldn't follow. Could you please tell me what it is?
You wrote "All the "boys" gather round for grunting, back slapping, and pecking order." I get the drift of it, but can we club pecking order with the other two here?
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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conniption- as in "conniption fit". Throw a"tizzy". Rant and rave and stomp your feet.
Comment from BWitch
Lol. This is entertaining, and soooo well written.
The dryness, the humour, mixed with the narrative.
Wonderful. I forgot I was reviewing and got caught in the read.
Well done!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Lol. This is entertaining, and soooo well written.
The dryness, the humour, mixed with the narrative.
Wonderful. I forgot I was reviewing and got caught in the read.
Well done!
Comment Written 04-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much.
Comment from MaureenC
This story is just beautiful, to this reader it shows an instance of man's HUMANITY to man (woman). Such lovely sentiments are much too rare today. I applaude you.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few issues of the writing to be contended with, and worked on.
The paragraphs themselves need to be broken up and more 'white space' shown, for reader's ease of reading.
Dialogue must have a seperate line, even if it is only one word. Without this the reader has to stop reading to work out just what is going on.
If it were only the story being reviewed then the mark would be higher. But there is work to be done to bring up to potential.
I do hope this review is helpful to the author.
Keep writing
Blessings
Maureenc
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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This story is just beautiful, to this reader it shows an instance of man's HUMANITY to man (woman). Such lovely sentiments are much too rare today. I applaude you.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few issues of the writing to be contended with, and worked on.
The paragraphs themselves need to be broken up and more 'white space' shown, for reader's ease of reading.
Dialogue must have a seperate line, even if it is only one word. Without this the reader has to stop reading to work out just what is going on.
If it were only the story being reviewed then the mark would be higher. But there is work to be done to bring up to potential.
I do hope this review is helpful to the author.
Keep writing
Blessings
Maureenc
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Maureen, thank you. And thanks for the corrective help. I didn't realize what a novice I am.
Comment from fictionwriter
This was a wonderful story of selflessness. I'm sure this was a great boon to this ladies life. There were a few things to fix. You used Now, in the first couple of paragraphs quite a bit. Try not to repeat words, as it draws the reader out of the story. The others are below. Other than that great job.
are you sure it's ok(okay or OK, but not ok) to fix
periodontal surgery. Perfect.(new paragraph here) My dear readers, periodonics, endodontics(root canals),
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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This was a wonderful story of selflessness. I'm sure this was a great boon to this ladies life. There were a few things to fix. You used Now, in the first couple of paragraphs quite a bit. Try not to repeat words, as it draws the reader out of the story. The others are below. Other than that great job.
are you sure it's ok(okay or OK, but not ok) to fix
periodontal surgery. Perfect.(new paragraph here) My dear readers, periodonics, endodontics(root canals),
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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I thank you. And your criticisms are right on. i will try to apply them.
