A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 58 "Cops and Robbers"Autobiography of abuse
15 total reviews
Comment from medicnate
Excellent. This was a very fast paced chapter. I didn't want it to end. Sorry I haven't been reviewing for a while. I've been concentrating my novels. I'll try and do some more reviewing of this great book. I do hope you get it published. Then I can say, I knew her when, haha.
~medicnate~
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Excellent. This was a very fast paced chapter. I didn't want it to end. Sorry I haven't been reviewing for a while. I've been concentrating my novels. I'll try and do some more reviewing of this great book. I do hope you get it published. Then I can say, I knew her when, haha.
~medicnate~
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Thanks for your continued support. I sincerely do appreciate it.
Comment from jodeecee
Excellent, excellent chapter. moved the story forward nicely, loved it.
I noticed a few 'M's on mom, here and there too.
I nearly had a temper tantrum when she told me that Julie was using her calling card to make long distant phone/cut:s/ calls.
If you want to make calls you will have to install a phone in you/r/ room."
Suddenly filled with the need to fix and repair everything around me/,/ I tore up the old linoleum in the kitchen
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Excellent, excellent chapter. moved the story forward nicely, loved it.
I noticed a few 'M's on mom, here and there too.
I nearly had a temper tantrum when she told me that Julie was using her calling card to make long distant phone/cut:s/ calls.
If you want to make calls you will have to install a phone in you/r/ room."
Suddenly filled with the need to fix and repair everything around me/,/ I tore up the old linoleum in the kitchen
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thanks. I sincerely appreciate you keen eye and high rating.
Comment from jojosug
You've written another interesting and absorbing chapter, which was great to read. So much took place in your life and you write about it with great passion and depth.
Jo
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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You've written another interesting and absorbing chapter, which was great to read. So much took place in your life and you write about it with great passion and depth.
Jo
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thank you. I sincerely apprecite your comments and high review and continued interest.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Not one spag or typo in a very long chapter indeed. This really is a 'piece de resistance' in your writing. I have thoroughly enjoyed it and been completely absorbed. I am now dying to know what happens next and look forward to the next installment.
Warmest wishes
Kat
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Not one spag or typo in a very long chapter indeed. This really is a 'piece de resistance' in your writing. I have thoroughly enjoyed it and been completely absorbed. I am now dying to know what happens next and look forward to the next installment.
Warmest wishes
Kat
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thank you so very much! I cannot tell you how pleased I am that your liked this one. Hold on to your seat, the fun is just starting.....
Comment from marion
Well, what can I say, Smurpgirl ... that it gets better and better - that's hardly appropiate is it, but it does. I suppose knowing that it all comes out for the best and you are here writing this story, makes me be able to say that! I look forward to the next post ... not really looking for spag but there is a detective Hay -- where the D should be capitalized. Marion.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Well, what can I say, Smurpgirl ... that it gets better and better - that's hardly appropiate is it, but it does. I suppose knowing that it all comes out for the best and you are here writing this story, makes me be able to say that! I look forward to the next post ... not really looking for spag but there is a detective Hay -- where the D should be capitalized. Marion.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your continued interest in my story...and yes, I do live to tell the story so "better" is a completly appropriate word! I'll correct the D...
Comment from Cranial Thinker
Oh I can feel you more and more coming to that sober utopia,the place were life begins to fall into line
and things start making good sense,where time is so well spent,and the spirit itself begins to open up.I have to remind myself to breath when I'm reading your work.Again job extremely well done.Cranial Thinker
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Oh I can feel you more and more coming to that sober utopia,the place were life begins to fall into line
and things start making good sense,where time is so well spent,and the spirit itself begins to open up.I have to remind myself to breath when I'm reading your work.Again job extremely well done.Cranial Thinker
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thank you again for your wonderful review. I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate it.
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You are very welcome.Cranial Thinker
Comment from laurelp
Fascinating career change. It would have been an interesting TV movie, but I doubt it would have scratched the surface like your book has done. I hope that you someday actually get this published. One, the money would be nice but even more, a way of showing the world who you really are and what you have become in spite of your upbringing.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Fascinating career change. It would have been an interesting TV movie, but I doubt it would have scratched the surface like your book has done. I hope that you someday actually get this published. One, the money would be nice but even more, a way of showing the world who you really are and what you have become in spite of your upbringing.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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That is my point...without the background the story may have been interesting but shallow. Thank you for your kind words and continued interest.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Smurphy, I am thoroughly addicted to your story. It is captivating and extremely well written. I am missing a reference point here. How old are Valerie and Sarah at the point in the book? Really excellent stuff. Smiles, Seraph
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Smurphy, I am thoroughly addicted to your story. It is captivating and extremely well written. I am missing a reference point here. How old are Valerie and Sarah at the point in the book? Really excellent stuff. Smiles, Seraph
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Sarah is about 15 and I am around 45 plus or minus... Glad you like the story...believe it or not more bizarre stuff to come.
Comment from adewpearl
she fed Jerry, three meals drop the comma
piss of a crazy person." I warned change the period to a comma
stomped off, slamming her door add the comma
repair everything around me, I add the comma
child support for Sarah, I knew add comma
This becomes quite intriguing - nothing like a little cops drama to add to Valerie's already more-than-exciting life.
Your author notes are also quite interesting. Brooke
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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she fed Jerry, three meals drop the comma
piss of a crazy person." I warned change the period to a comma
stomped off, slamming her door add the comma
repair everything around me, I add the comma
child support for Sarah, I knew add comma
This becomes quite intriguing - nothing like a little cops drama to add to Valerie's already more-than-exciting life.
Your author notes are also quite interesting. Brooke
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your great eye for detail...I only have one. Yes, cops and robbers offers a nice change from the mundane. Again, thanks
Comment from mojomac
Valerie,
I am indeed sorry for the traumas that have affected you. Someone once said we must write twenty times about the things that we need to sort through and, even if that is not true, I know that writing is a great catalist for understanding personal pain.
Having said that, I would like to point out that, at the point Sarah moves in, your writing becomes more clarified. It improves further and becomes downright exciting when you are approached about becoming a CI agent.
The lack in the earlier paragraphs is understandable. I, as a third person, (and a stickler for grammatical components), would like to see you simplify the events at the house. Some phrases are beautiful and bring a taste of sunshine to the reader. Others, would read better with a bit of grammatical correction. One sentence/paragraph I would amend is: "Mom relied on her small pension from when she worked at Boeing, her social security check, and the money from the rooms she rented to three renters." How about this? "Mom relied on her small pension from Boeing, her Social Security check, and proceeds from renting three rooms in her house for $100 each."
I also could see you simplifying some of your "I" paragraphs..."I got up early every day and worked outside until dinnertime. I found it relaxing to mow the lawn, tend the flowerbeds, and rake up the leaves. Instead of using the sprinkler, I preferred to water the garden by hand."
How about: "Soon, I was rising early each day and putting a full day's work outside. I found it relaxing to mow the lawn, tend flowerbeds and rake leaves. I preferred to water the garden by hand, relishing the feel of the water on my skin."
These remarks are grammatical in nature - and not a critique on content. When we want to move things along - yet explain a setting, we (all us writers - lol), tend to forget we can afford to be a little sparse on words, and we will get to our destination in a much cleaner manner.
I hope this helps! Let me know.
I can't wait to read the next chapter!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Valerie,
I am indeed sorry for the traumas that have affected you. Someone once said we must write twenty times about the things that we need to sort through and, even if that is not true, I know that writing is a great catalist for understanding personal pain.
Having said that, I would like to point out that, at the point Sarah moves in, your writing becomes more clarified. It improves further and becomes downright exciting when you are approached about becoming a CI agent.
The lack in the earlier paragraphs is understandable. I, as a third person, (and a stickler for grammatical components), would like to see you simplify the events at the house. Some phrases are beautiful and bring a taste of sunshine to the reader. Others, would read better with a bit of grammatical correction. One sentence/paragraph I would amend is: "Mom relied on her small pension from when she worked at Boeing, her social security check, and the money from the rooms she rented to three renters." How about this? "Mom relied on her small pension from Boeing, her Social Security check, and proceeds from renting three rooms in her house for $100 each."
I also could see you simplifying some of your "I" paragraphs..."I got up early every day and worked outside until dinnertime. I found it relaxing to mow the lawn, tend the flowerbeds, and rake up the leaves. Instead of using the sprinkler, I preferred to water the garden by hand."
How about: "Soon, I was rising early each day and putting a full day's work outside. I found it relaxing to mow the lawn, tend flowerbeds and rake leaves. I preferred to water the garden by hand, relishing the feel of the water on my skin."
These remarks are grammatical in nature - and not a critique on content. When we want to move things along - yet explain a setting, we (all us writers - lol), tend to forget we can afford to be a little sparse on words, and we will get to our destination in a much cleaner manner.
I hope this helps! Let me know.
I can't wait to read the next chapter!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your helpful comments. I will go back over the chapter and see what I can do to improve it. Again, thank you .
