A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "And The Oscar Goes To...."Autobiography of abuse
12 total reviews
Comment from Alcuin
Now this works well. It gets across everythign you need to show and it does so well. I have two very minor quibbles.
First, when Valerie meets John Mitchel in the Diner and tells him "Go to Hell, Asshole", that can lead to a whole scene that you didn't write (about how she could have had revenge but her lack of subtlety prevented her perhaps - or even about how good it felt to talk to him like that after all this time).
That would have been a great end to the chapter, and the bit afterward could have been the start of a new chapter 34.
Then the last two paragraphs, in which she explains faking an orgasm, could be extended to a full scene, showing how she took the advice, and the consequences, and the man in question talking about her. You'd have easily expanded this into two chapters and written a couple of powerful and emotional scenes.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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Now this works well. It gets across everythign you need to show and it does so well. I have two very minor quibbles.
First, when Valerie meets John Mitchel in the Diner and tells him "Go to Hell, Asshole", that can lead to a whole scene that you didn't write (about how she could have had revenge but her lack of subtlety prevented her perhaps - or even about how good it felt to talk to him like that after all this time).
That would have been a great end to the chapter, and the bit afterward could have been the start of a new chapter 34.
Then the last two paragraphs, in which she explains faking an orgasm, could be extended to a full scene, showing how she took the advice, and the consequences, and the man in question talking about her. You'd have easily expanded this into two chapters and written a couple of powerful and emotional scenes.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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I sincerely appreciate your suggestions and will honestly take them under consideration. My book is very long, and sometimes it is difficult to know what to add and what to leave out. But your comment about expanding on the two sections gives me pause to think. Again, thank you for yuor advice. I will definitely look over the chapter to see what I can do to add to it.
Comment from adewpearl
You relate painfully well the dilemma many young women face - they want to be popular and accepted, but often end up in the back seat of a parking lot in a frustrated attempt to please - you convey so well the exasperation of the narrator Brooke
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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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You relate painfully well the dilemma many young women face - they want to be popular and accepted, but often end up in the back seat of a parking lot in a frustrated attempt to please - you convey so well the exasperation of the narrator Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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Thak yu so very much for your kind review.
