A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Deportation"Autobiography of abuse
14 total reviews
Comment from medicnate
A very good chapter. It's nice to have a reprieve from the evil, for a moment. Good to learn more about your Mom. I thought the flow of this chapter was great and it really kept me reading. Nice job.
~medicnate~
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2009
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A very good chapter. It's nice to have a reprieve from the evil, for a moment. Good to learn more about your Mom. I thought the flow of this chapter was great and it really kept me reading. Nice job.
~medicnate~
Comment Written 08-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2009
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Thanks. I could write a sererate book on that portions of my life. Really crazy people.
Comment from Lois Delaney
I'd be interested in the stand alone story of your life in Canada. LOL
redemption. Lose one period
I feel bad that you seem to blame God when in reality it is your parents at fault. But I will elaborate on that later.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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I'd be interested in the stand alone story of your life in Canada. LOL
redemption. Lose one period
I feel bad that you seem to blame God when in reality it is your parents at fault. But I will elaborate on that later.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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Actually I don't blame God. For a period of time I needed to blame someone and God seemed a good candidate. I no loger feel that way. And, yes my life in Canada is definitely a whole book in itself. This one would be humorous...they are quite excentric.
Comment from laurelp
As always, very well written. Sorry I took so long to getting around to reading it. I went to a writer's conference this past weekend. A great experience. I also recieved an email that an article I wroter about my grandmother is being published. Not much money, but my first ligitimate publishing. Now as for the story. I was saddened to see moving you didn't help much. I can only surmise that too much trauma had already occurred. A very good and diferent chapter.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2009
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As always, very well written. Sorry I took so long to getting around to reading it. I went to a writer's conference this past weekend. A great experience. I also recieved an email that an article I wroter about my grandmother is being published. Not much money, but my first ligitimate publishing. Now as for the story. I was saddened to see moving you didn't help much. I can only surmise that too much trauma had already occurred. A very good and diferent chapter.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2009
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Thank you. Congratulations on getting your article published! That must be thrilling.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
This is another engaging chapter. This time you address psychological abuse. After eighteen months of mental hell with no family support or close friends, it is little wonder that Valerie decided to come home.
I have a few specific comments:
1. I turned around to face Mom. The beautiful woman I had just been secretly admiring in the garden was gone; the old ugly hag had returned. {It is hard to see beauty in a person who denies obvious abuse. Still this happens over and over in abusive homes. No wonder beauty change to ugly in Valerie's mind.}
2. As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you,
[Daddy ==> daddy], and the rest of my family have created right here on earth." {You have line break before "Daddy."
This probably the result of the FanStory editor (affectionately dubbed "Evil Eddy" for the many formatting error it creates). Note that daddy is not a proper name so it should not be capitalized.}
I admire the way you are able to tell tis story and I want to continue to follow the story.
Roger
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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This is another engaging chapter. This time you address psychological abuse. After eighteen months of mental hell with no family support or close friends, it is little wonder that Valerie decided to come home.
I have a few specific comments:
1. I turned around to face Mom. The beautiful woman I had just been secretly admiring in the garden was gone; the old ugly hag had returned. {It is hard to see beauty in a person who denies obvious abuse. Still this happens over and over in abusive homes. No wonder beauty change to ugly in Valerie's mind.}
2. As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you,
[Daddy ==> daddy], and the rest of my family have created right here on earth." {You have line break before "Daddy."
This probably the result of the FanStory editor (affectionately dubbed "Evil Eddy" for the many formatting error it creates). Note that daddy is not a proper name so it should not be capitalized.}
I admire the way you are able to tell tis story and I want to continue to follow the story.
Roger
Comment Written 02-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your detailed review. I sincerely appreciate your comments and will address the items you have pointed out. The capitalization of Daddy has been a source of numerous comments, in the end I spoke with an editor who said because he and my mothe who I called both Mommy and Mom are central characters they should be capitalzed. I am not sure if he is correct but I chose to follow his advice. You may well be right.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
I should be very interested to read about your life in Canada. This chapter was well written. I found nothing to pick on, no nits...so well edited.
All the best.
Kat
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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I should be very interested to read about your life in Canada. This chapter was well written. I found nothing to pick on, no nits...so well edited.
All the best.
Kat
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thak you. My life in Canada may someday be a short story. Full of excentric, interesting and strange charactes. But I had to make a choice to leave this out to keep my book from being too long.
Comment from Stacey Lynne Wells
Wow, that's a lot of courage. I don't know why your Aunt doesn't believe you. DIdn't your Mom tell her when he molested Coleen? I would have called her and said that he did that. I wish the best for you.
Rachel
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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Wow, that's a lot of courage. I don't know why your Aunt doesn't believe you. DIdn't your Mom tell her when he molested Coleen? I would have called her and said that he did that. I wish the best for you.
Rachel
Comment Written 28-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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You may want to go back and read the previous chapters to get a better understanding of the denial in the family at that time. The abuse started in the late 40's, a time when it was just not talked about, let alone dealt with. I appreciate you review and high rating. Thank you.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Hi Smurphy,
Another captivating chapter that is totally and thoroughly engaging! Brava on delivery and content!
As to form, please forgive my noting the following SPAG, but it is only because I care so much about your work:
In the opening introduction, you write,
1) "...Finally, tired of listening to Valerie's daily rants, her partents send her to live with relatives in Vancouver, B.C., Canada."
Please repair the spelling of the word "parents."
2) Love the expression, "marvelous look of horror." Wonderful!
3) Insert the word "to" as follows:
"I believe God is just a convenient invention for weak people [to] lean on." (You may consider omitting "I believe" at the beginning of this sentence to give it more authenticity and power.)
4) In the following sentence, there is a hanging quotation mark at the end of the word "rant."
5) Repair the following sentence: (Replace "has" with the word "have.")
As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you, Daddy, and the rest of my family HAS (replace with HAVE) created right here on earth."
As previously stated, this is an exceptionally remarkable story and exceedingly well told. Please fix the nits and advise me if you wish for me to re-rate.
Seraph~
SECOND REVIEW: The spag has been repaired and the rating adjusted.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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Hi Smurphy,
Another captivating chapter that is totally and thoroughly engaging! Brava on delivery and content!
As to form, please forgive my noting the following SPAG, but it is only because I care so much about your work:
In the opening introduction, you write,
1) "...Finally, tired of listening to Valerie's daily rants, her partents send her to live with relatives in Vancouver, B.C., Canada."
Please repair the spelling of the word "parents."
2) Love the expression, "marvelous look of horror." Wonderful!
3) Insert the word "to" as follows:
"I believe God is just a convenient invention for weak people [to] lean on." (You may consider omitting "I believe" at the beginning of this sentence to give it more authenticity and power.)
4) In the following sentence, there is a hanging quotation mark at the end of the word "rant."
5) Repair the following sentence: (Replace "has" with the word "have.")
As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you, Daddy, and the rest of my family HAS (replace with HAVE) created right here on earth."
As previously stated, this is an exceptionally remarkable story and exceedingly well told. Please fix the nits and advise me if you wish for me to re-rate.
Seraph~
SECOND REVIEW: The spag has been repaired and the rating adjusted.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2009
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I caught some of them, but as usual your eagle-eye took care of the rest. Thak you for your help....
Comment from jodeecee
Another great one! I love the description of your mother in the beginning, this has a lot of info. and moves the story along as well. suggestions for meticulously, i think you only used it twice, but it stuck out, don't know why- diligent, painstakingly, thorough, 'methodical'
meticulously
"I believe/space/ God is just a convenient invention by weak people lean on./space/ "
for weak people to lean on
by weak people to lean on
"I will never understand why people need God to tell then/m/ what is right and what is wrong. I certainly don't/space/ need the/sp /fear of hell to make be good.
As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you, /D/daddy and the rest of my family has created right here on earth."
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Another great one! I love the description of your mother in the beginning, this has a lot of info. and moves the story along as well. suggestions for meticulously, i think you only used it twice, but it stuck out, don't know why- diligent, painstakingly, thorough, 'methodical'
meticulously
"I believe/space/ God is just a convenient invention by weak people lean on./space/ "
for weak people to lean on
by weak people to lean on
"I will never understand why people need God to tell then/m/ what is right and what is wrong. I certainly don't/space/ need the/sp /fear of hell to make be good.
As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you, /D/daddy and the rest of my family has created right here on earth."
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your review. I must be going blind, twice I have correctd thn to them but it didn't work. I will go over the chapter again and see what I can do. I sincerely appreciate your eye for detail.
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
Smurphy girl, it is unfair that this character should face a dilemma of at home in turmoil, or at aunt Bea's in Vancouver. I agree soch a life would be hell. I further agree that herey about a future Hell when people make hell on earth is mockery.
It's amazing how a myth, gross ignorance persists about metaphors of hell that is truer to what the Bible teaches. I'm thankful that I've read good books of thorough research about this subject. Real helll li as judgment of separation forever. It amounts to anilhilation.
The righteous are rewarded commensurate with a redeemed life.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Smurphy girl, it is unfair that this character should face a dilemma of at home in turmoil, or at aunt Bea's in Vancouver. I agree soch a life would be hell. I further agree that herey about a future Hell when people make hell on earth is mockery.
It's amazing how a myth, gross ignorance persists about metaphors of hell that is truer to what the Bible teaches. I'm thankful that I've read good books of thorough research about this subject. Real helll li as judgment of separation forever. It amounts to anilhilation.
The righteous are rewarded commensurate with a redeemed life.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from TimidView
I noticed a few glitches in this otherwise engaging tale. The parts I particularly liked are also mentioned...
"tiny,new, green shoot to grow." I think you meant 'shoots' -plural.
"She was devastated." I loved how this statement stood alone. Well done.
"The marvelous look of horror on Auntie Bea's face"
Excellent description!
--------------------
" continued with my rant.?
"I Will never understand why people need God to tell then what is right and what is wrong. And, I certainly don't need the need fear of hell to make be be good. As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you, daddy and the rest of my family has created right here on hearth."
Quite a few errors near each other: The misplaced question mark,a capital on will, to tell them (not then), need the fear ( not need the need fear),make me be good (not make be be good) have instead of has, and earth instead of hearth.
Nice work.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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I noticed a few glitches in this otherwise engaging tale. The parts I particularly liked are also mentioned...
"tiny,new, green shoot to grow." I think you meant 'shoots' -plural.
"She was devastated." I loved how this statement stood alone. Well done.
"The marvelous look of horror on Auntie Bea's face"
Excellent description!
--------------------
" continued with my rant.?
"I Will never understand why people need God to tell then what is right and what is wrong. And, I certainly don't need the need fear of hell to make be be good. As far as I am concerned, the only real hell is the one you, daddy and the rest of my family has created right here on hearth."
Quite a few errors near each other: The misplaced question mark,a capital on will, to tell them (not then), need the fear ( not need the need fear),make me be good (not make be be good) have instead of has, and earth instead of hearth.
Nice work.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your keen eye. I actually posted this twice...once by accident and the first one got through without the corrections. I have had a heck of a time with the editor and decided to go back to copy and paste. I will take a look and if these are still there or have already been corrected. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
