Only A Little Pinch
A man uses his young werewolf son to stop a serial killer2 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
On the surface this is a good tale, although it doesn't bring anything new to the table in terms of the kind of tale being told or werewolf lore.
It is an enjoyable read.
I made some notes as I read through -
Ralphie held the bright LED flashlight for me - this doesn't gel with the following - I handed him the flashlight - Ralphie already had the flashlight. Remember the continuity of the scene.
There are quite a few fractured and run-on sentences which interfer with the generally good flow of the piece.
There are occasions where there's an over-reliance on adverbs for a quick route. The thing is, adverb by their very nature are telling words and this can skew the balance of showing / telling too much if not careful.
dot separated further from the arrow - generally speaking farther I'd used for physical distance.
If the cave was so overgrown at the entrance how did Ralphie and the others get into it? Or Kayla get out? It's just looking at the mechanics of the scene and the logic.
The section beginning - The tranquilizer was formulated - is weirdly highlighted.
The police either didn't find the bike or found it but assigned it no importance.- this makes no sense given the case they were investigating about a missing child... It would have been of high importance and very suspicious.
"Ralphie somehow ingested a benzodiazepine sedative," she said matter-of-factly. "Do you keep Valium or some other tranquilizing medication in your home?"
I replied with a curt, "N - this bit doesn't ring true either given that he police, who were probably still in attendance knew he had tranquillisers...
There's a good tone and good tension and atmosphere created which is good.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
   |
Hi there,
On the surface this is a good tale, although it doesn't bring anything new to the table in terms of the kind of tale being told or werewolf lore.
It is an enjoyable read.
I made some notes as I read through -
Ralphie held the bright LED flashlight for me - this doesn't gel with the following - I handed him the flashlight - Ralphie already had the flashlight. Remember the continuity of the scene.
There are quite a few fractured and run-on sentences which interfer with the generally good flow of the piece.
There are occasions where there's an over-reliance on adverbs for a quick route. The thing is, adverb by their very nature are telling words and this can skew the balance of showing / telling too much if not careful.
dot separated further from the arrow - generally speaking farther I'd used for physical distance.
If the cave was so overgrown at the entrance how did Ralphie and the others get into it? Or Kayla get out? It's just looking at the mechanics of the scene and the logic.
The section beginning - The tranquilizer was formulated - is weirdly highlighted.
The police either didn't find the bike or found it but assigned it no importance.- this makes no sense given the case they were investigating about a missing child... It would have been of high importance and very suspicious.
"Ralphie somehow ingested a benzodiazepine sedative," she said matter-of-factly. "Do you keep Valium or some other tranquilizing medication in your home?"
I replied with a curt, "N - this bit doesn't ring true either given that he police, who were probably still in attendance knew he had tranquillisers...
There's a good tone and good tension and atmosphere created which is good.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
-
Thank you for taking the time to critique my work! You make important points.
Comment from RodG
What a terrific first milestone. You had me hooked throughout and PUT ME THERE as Ralphie transformed into a werewolf and went bounding through the woods. I also found the narrator to be a very sympathetic character who loved his son. Great surprise ending. Overall a great debut. I may be giving you your first 6-star rating, but I know it won't be the only one. Rod
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
 |
What a terrific first milestone. You had me hooked throughout and PUT ME THERE as Ralphie transformed into a werewolf and went bounding through the woods. I also found the narrator to be a very sympathetic character who loved his son. Great surprise ending. Overall a great debut. I may be giving you your first 6-star rating, but I know it won't be the only one. Rod
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
-
I greatly appreciate that you took the time to read my work. Your feedback is a welcome boost to my self esteem and is of the kind that makes me want to write more!
