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Willing Hearts

Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Willing Hearts Chapter 2"
Solve a crime and fall in love at the same time?

36 total reviews 
Comment from knowledge
Excellent
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I ran out of six stars. You are amazing! You have the gift of bouncing around in a story, with out confusing your reader. Not a wonder to me that you are publishing your works. If you have time check out my "Dan Smart Private Eye" Novel. I Love you too. Thank You for the funds. Knowledge.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2024


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2024
    Thank you for the wonderful encouragement.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Excellent
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If Sami wanted to fit in with the working girls she appeared to look raunchy enough for them not to know at a glance she was incognito.

"the john's hit on her" should be the johns. Dressed as Sami is that scenario is likely to transpire.

Don't believe turning the john on was Sami's intention or idea of a good time.

There are just some parts of the word "no" many people simply do not comprehend the meaning of. One would think they do, but they do not.

"didn't want to be burden" should be didn't want to be a burden.

So true, to survive on the streets one definitely keeps their eyes, ears, and mouth shut. Doing these little actions may help keep one out of a body bag a short while longer.

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2024


reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
    Thank you for going back and reading this post when there's no money attached. I appreciate it and the catches. I've made the corrects.
Comment from SimianSavant
Excellent
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First time really reading one of your stories, and I jumped in at your most recent chapter, but am now starting back from the beginning for some context. A good story in the works. Currently feels a little dialogue heavy and linear in places. Eg person says let's do this, then they do it, and the consequence is immediate. A bit more of a TV show cut and switch between parallel scenes happening, and off-camera delays, might help build suspense. I do not have a lot of experience with this sort of writing, as I rarely write stories over 2000 words, so might be worth getting the opinions of others.

Some minor edit suggestions:

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

Maybe mention the guy releases her arm as Noah confronts him?

Jose added, "You may be the first guy a woman thought was nice and handsome but left because she didn't want to be burden." <= a burden

Sami found a piece of paper and wrote. Noah, I can't take any more of your time. I'll be more careful. I appreciate your help. Thank you again. Sami. <= maybe put the text of the note in italics

How does Sami know that a group of women are prostitutes? More physical description might be good.

Thanks for an intriguing read. I will be visiting an anti-trafficking effort abroad in a few months.

Harambe (for President)

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
    Thank you for the corrections. I'll get on this.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

She must have some kind of a shield of protection around her. "Let's hope it's not so much the john's hit on her.""As pretty as she is, I'm surprised they haven't already." We were worried. Why does this not surprise me? "When he left, Sami found a piece of paper and wrote. Noah, I can't take any more of your time." So true: One of the women faced her. "To survive out here, you keep your eyes, ears, and mouth shut." The ending is a little sketchy she may be followed. This is so well done. Excellent, I have to give it an A+


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
    Thank you for going back and reading this post. I appreciate you.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Sami is really playing with fire, Barbara, I was holding my breath all the while I was reading the parts she was on the street. She doesn't have a clue about street life, I don't either, only to know not to go there!

I think the team will have to let Sami know who and what they are soon, the way Sami is going on means they are watching her, rather than what they are supposed to be doind. Mind you, I'm sure they are just as interested in what she's learning. Another great chapter, Barb, and so different to the other one you are posting. Well done!! :)) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 04-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
    Yes, they think she knows more than she thinks she does. She doesn't and just gets herself into more trouble. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Navada
Excellent
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This is a really interesting premise. I admire a high school teacher for putting herself on the line to try to save girls and women being treated in this way. I actually teach human trafficking later in the year in a Year 11 Religious Education class and we explore some of the impacts of operations like these.

 Comment Written 03-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
    I'm glad they're teaching it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Excellent
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I liked the first chapter and really liked this one as well. Sami is out of her league trying to make those girls talk, but the fact that they told her about their pimp arriving saved her. They may break down after a few more visits, but it is certainly a scary situation. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 03-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
    Yes, Sami is way out of her league. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from T B Botts
Excellent
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Hello Barbara,
Sami appears to be somewhat naive about the real world. If someone is brazen enough to steal young girls right off the street in broad daylight, they are some dangerous characters, probably better left to the pros. Nonetheless, I appreciate her desire to help. Like so many people in this country, we're frustrated by the apparent lack of concern by people who are supposed to be upholding the law. Often, I believe there is a hardness that has developed by seeing so much crime. I enjoyed this gal.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom

 Comment Written 03-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
    Thank you for the kind review. It was 10 at night the girls were taken.
Comment from Julie Fudge Smith1
Excellent
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Good tension in the story which kept me reading. I hadn't read chapter 1, but I was able to figure out the people before I read the character descriptions. I think that if you can jump in, figure out the basic plot, and want more, then the writing is spot on.

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
    Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
reply by Julie Fudge Smith1 on 02-Feb-2024
    You are most welcome.

    If you have a moment, I would appreciate it if you could read my First Chapter contest entry, "The Boy Who Danced For The Moon" I would be very interested in your thoughts on it.

    Thank you.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
    I read and enjoyed reading. Good luck with the contest.
Comment from Paul McFarland
Excellent
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This story has great potential, Barb. It will be interesting to see how you develop this Homeland Security team. Looking forward to the rest of this novel.

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2024


reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
    Thank you for the encouragement