Sex Brulee
Addictions and Beautiful Desserts31 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I guess that's what one gets for writing about novellas in one's mind after being hit by a plate while his brain bleeds, heh heh. But I guess also he deserves it, he lives his fantasies out in real life. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023
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I guess that's what one gets for writing about novellas in one's mind after being hit by a plate while his brain bleeds, heh heh. But I guess also he deserves it, he lives his fantasies out in real life. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 09-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023
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What goes around? thank you for the time, Roy. Sending my love.
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Bless you
Comment from Nina Sexton
Nice work here. I like how you sorted the dialogue and moved the story forward. I understand it was flash fiction, but it did leave me wanting more. It was over before I knew what happened to Lorenzo LOL!
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Nice work here. I like how you sorted the dialogue and moved the story forward. I understand it was flash fiction, but it did leave me wanting more. It was over before I knew what happened to Lorenzo LOL!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2023
Comment from Mia Twysted
I love it. i sometimes pause in the moment and think how the scene or scenario I find myself in would make good writing. I am left with the thought of how her life will change if they do not stop the bleeding in time.
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I love it. i sometimes pause in the moment and think how the scene or scenario I find myself in would make good writing. I am left with the thought of how her life will change if they do not stop the bleeding in time.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2023
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Good work. Nicely done.
But what about the chef's forest composition accentuated by ten thin and short cinnamon sticks inserted into each dish specially for them. huh?
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023
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Good work. Nicely done.
But what about the chef's forest composition accentuated by ten thin and short cinnamon sticks inserted into each dish specially for them. huh?
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023
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Gone to waste, just like the ten years of their marriage. Thanks, Wayne.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting and fully complete short story in just five hundred words. You have given an amazing amount of detail in very few words with no unnecessary explanations. Very well written.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023
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This is an interesting and fully complete short story in just five hundred words. You have given an amazing amount of detail in very few words with no unnecessary explanations. Very well written.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2023
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Thank you kindly for taking the time and an exceptional rating, Carol.
Comment from Sally Law
Welcome to FanStory, Bruce Carrington! How nice to read you today.
Your short story takes off and doesn't let up, and is believable to me. Definitely a loveless marriage with no real regard for the other. Lorenzo's unconfessed sex with the waitess was the nail in the coffin of the marriage, the book, and possibly his life.
Magnificent writing, riveting, and very well paced. Please forgive my absence of a six. A high five with compliments.
Sending you my best today as always, and my best wishes for your writing endeavors.
Sally Law :))
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Welcome to FanStory, Bruce Carrington! How nice to read you today.
Your short story takes off and doesn't let up, and is believable to me. Definitely a loveless marriage with no real regard for the other. Lorenzo's unconfessed sex with the waitess was the nail in the coffin of the marriage, the book, and possibly his life.
Magnificent writing, riveting, and very well paced. Please forgive my absence of a six. A high five with compliments.
Sending you my best today as always, and my best wishes for your writing endeavors.
Sally Law :))
Comment Written 08-Aug-2023
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Then, we cannot expect to see Lorenzo's next novelette on bookstore bookshelves anytime too soon. Poor man. Why couldn't Emma understand his addiction, and maybe be supportive by joining in? Ha-ha.
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Then, we cannot expect to see Lorenzo's next novelette on bookstore bookshelves anytime too soon. Poor man. Why couldn't Emma understand his addiction, and maybe be supportive by joining in? Ha-ha.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2023
Comment from Jay Squires
I read your story with interest, Bruce. Tell me, is the contest you entered it in similar to the ones here on Fanstory in that it allows you to make changes as long as they are before the closing date of the contest? I'm saying that because I have suggestions to make. Look them over anyway. You may find them helpful in your future writing.
raising his head from the carefully arranged crème brûlée's topping [In order to not have it sound like his head was in the dessert, you might have him, instead, raise his "eyes".]
two black holes around her teary eyes. [Bruce, this is a vague, rather awkward image. You seem to be describing the "hole" surrounding each eye. Do you mean the pupil? But that would be in the center of each eye.]
This is an intriguing ending to your story, at least conceptually. It's weakness, however, is that you, the author, are telling the reader what happened ... instead of it being dramatized through Lorenzo's twisted thoughts. You can't dramatize his wife's lack of awareness off what happened (as you suggested).
I think you clearly need to know before the story begins whose story it is. Lorenzo's or his wife's. To me, the real problem is that your plot is too complex to contain it within 500 words. I hope I'm wrong of that, but if anyone can do it, I'm laying my money on you, Bruce.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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I read your story with interest, Bruce. Tell me, is the contest you entered it in similar to the ones here on Fanstory in that it allows you to make changes as long as they are before the closing date of the contest? I'm saying that because I have suggestions to make. Look them over anyway. You may find them helpful in your future writing.
raising his head from the carefully arranged crème brûlée's topping [In order to not have it sound like his head was in the dessert, you might have him, instead, raise his "eyes".]
two black holes around her teary eyes. [Bruce, this is a vague, rather awkward image. You seem to be describing the "hole" surrounding each eye. Do you mean the pupil? But that would be in the center of each eye.]
This is an intriguing ending to your story, at least conceptually. It's weakness, however, is that you, the author, are telling the reader what happened ... instead of it being dramatized through Lorenzo's twisted thoughts. You can't dramatize his wife's lack of awareness off what happened (as you suggested).
I think you clearly need to know before the story begins whose story it is. Lorenzo's or his wife's. To me, the real problem is that your plot is too complex to contain it within 500 words. I hope I'm wrong of that, but if anyone can do it, I'm laying my money on you, Bruce.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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As always, thank you kindly for your time to read and suggesting the improvements. On the second piece - I wanted to show Emma's ruined makeup. Extremely encouraged and humbled, Jay.
Comment from lancellot
This is interesting. I was wondering why he would confess in public, at an expensive restaurant, on his anniversary, instead of at home. Anything to spark one's muse to get material. Writers get desperate. I heard songwriters breaking up with their boyfriends just to get material for a song.
notes:
"Stop it, of course not." Lorenzo replied, raising
-"Stop it, of course not," Lorenzo replied, raising
Please tell me this is some kind of a messed-up thing for your {new book." She said} in despair,
-new book," she said
unaware of the internal bleeding in Lorenzo's brain w
- all that from a dinner plate?
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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This is interesting. I was wondering why he would confess in public, at an expensive restaurant, on his anniversary, instead of at home. Anything to spark one's muse to get material. Writers get desperate. I heard songwriters breaking up with their boyfriends just to get material for a song.
notes:
"Stop it, of course not." Lorenzo replied, raising
-"Stop it, of course not," Lorenzo replied, raising
Please tell me this is some kind of a messed-up thing for your {new book." She said} in despair,
-new book," she said
unaware of the internal bleeding in Lorenzo's brain w
- all that from a dinner plate?
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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"I heard songwriters breaking up with their boyfriends just to get material for a song."
Getting inspired in the moment or receiving the result he was carefully arranging the situation for? I have no idea.
Duly noted on your amendments. Thank you for taking the time to point it out.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Wow. This was not at all what I was expecting. I could commiserate with him about his books and novellas. There is always another story. But the ending blew me away. Let us know how you do in the contest. Good luck. Gretchen
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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Wow. This was not at all what I was expecting. I could commiserate with him about his books and novellas. There is always another story. But the ending blew me away. Let us know how you do in the contest. Good luck. Gretchen
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Gretchen. I highly recommend the piece that Pam has shared that's also in the contest. How can one compete with that?!