Angels Unaware
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "A House of Cards"A Memoir and Love Story
10 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This sounds really traumatic for you as you wanted to live with your Father and of course at the age of 10 you didn't really know what was best for you but after reading your story I have a feeling that things changed for you. Thank you for sharing this incident with us on Fanstory, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2023
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This sounds really traumatic for you as you wanted to live with your Father and of course at the age of 10 you didn't really know what was best for you but after reading your story I have a feeling that things changed for you. Thank you for sharing this incident with us on Fanstory, love Dolly x
Comment Written 17-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2023
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Thanks so much Dolly
Comment from Soledadpaz
Suggest: tell him I (had run away to live with him).
And (then) thrust the door open.
'His eyes flashed in surprise' goes with the following paragraph: His eyes flashed in surprise and his mouth flew open.
Since reader already knows it's five miles, perhaps just echo what was said: You walked? With walked in italics for emphasis.
Suggest: as I (had) expected
And (from) my half-sister . . . No comma after 'hated me'
Suggest: His angry (expression) changed to sadness. No comma after 'sure'
Suggest: Tears pressed against my eyes as my father fished around in the fridge for something to eat.
(beside) my father's car.
(that) he was to be some kind of bodyguard.
(had taken) my mother ten minutes to drive.
Suggest: I can't say I remember exactly what (she said,)
Ann(,) who (had) stayed in the car
Perhaps: budge from my (spot on the) driveway
Suggest delete both exclamation points from this paragraph. The action is vivid.
Suggest: moves (that) he bragged about
Or
moves he (always) bragged about
Comma after helplessly
Suggest: pleasure (from) having my father flat on his back like a bug(.) (She warned) him that (he'd) better never . . .
Suggest: Through the open doorway, I could see the color drain from my father's face as Allan pinned his arms down.
Comma after suddenly.
Suggest: (With my mouth agape, I saw him as a weak old man, hardly able to breathe.)
Suggest instead of 'finally' use: (Then) my mother's voice changed.
The sentence: My sister told Allan to get back in the car, confusing things. Paragraph begins with the mom. Unclear who 'she' is who says, you don't want the police to take you home.
where the police (were talking) to him . . .
or so small (that) no one could find me again.
Powerful imagery.
Suggest: (I tossed and turned,) unable to fall asleep.
Crouched down where?
they (had) put my father in his place.
Suggest: (I wanted to) fall asleep and wake up with a new family.
Some thoughts and suggestions for you to consider. The use of 'was' tends to make things passive. Introductory adverbs take commas. Though best to limit use of -ly adverbs. They're usually a hint that a stronger verb is needed.
A very traumatic event for young Tom, seeing his father diminished before his very eyes. His only avenue of escape cut off before he could even share a meal with his father.
We get a glimpse of what the parents' relationship was like when the mother warns him not to lay a hand on her again. Does the mother suspect that he would harm young Tom as well? Or is it mainly a power move to retaliate.
Allan definitely sounds like a bully and it makes you wonder what need he fills for Ann. Why does she need a strongman? Is she afraid of something that she wants a bully to protect her? What if he turns on her?
I can see the pain and desperation on the page. Well done. I look forward to the next chapter.
Sol
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Suggest: tell him I (had run away to live with him).
And (then) thrust the door open.
'His eyes flashed in surprise' goes with the following paragraph: His eyes flashed in surprise and his mouth flew open.
Since reader already knows it's five miles, perhaps just echo what was said: You walked? With walked in italics for emphasis.
Suggest: as I (had) expected
And (from) my half-sister . . . No comma after 'hated me'
Suggest: His angry (expression) changed to sadness. No comma after 'sure'
Suggest: Tears pressed against my eyes as my father fished around in the fridge for something to eat.
(beside) my father's car.
(that) he was to be some kind of bodyguard.
(had taken) my mother ten minutes to drive.
Suggest: I can't say I remember exactly what (she said,)
Ann(,) who (had) stayed in the car
Perhaps: budge from my (spot on the) driveway
Suggest delete both exclamation points from this paragraph. The action is vivid.
Suggest: moves (that) he bragged about
Or
moves he (always) bragged about
Comma after helplessly
Suggest: pleasure (from) having my father flat on his back like a bug(.) (She warned) him that (he'd) better never . . .
Suggest: Through the open doorway, I could see the color drain from my father's face as Allan pinned his arms down.
Comma after suddenly.
Suggest: (With my mouth agape, I saw him as a weak old man, hardly able to breathe.)
Suggest instead of 'finally' use: (Then) my mother's voice changed.
The sentence: My sister told Allan to get back in the car, confusing things. Paragraph begins with the mom. Unclear who 'she' is who says, you don't want the police to take you home.
where the police (were talking) to him . . .
or so small (that) no one could find me again.
Powerful imagery.
Suggest: (I tossed and turned,) unable to fall asleep.
Crouched down where?
they (had) put my father in his place.
Suggest: (I wanted to) fall asleep and wake up with a new family.
Some thoughts and suggestions for you to consider. The use of 'was' tends to make things passive. Introductory adverbs take commas. Though best to limit use of -ly adverbs. They're usually a hint that a stronger verb is needed.
A very traumatic event for young Tom, seeing his father diminished before his very eyes. His only avenue of escape cut off before he could even share a meal with his father.
We get a glimpse of what the parents' relationship was like when the mother warns him not to lay a hand on her again. Does the mother suspect that he would harm young Tom as well? Or is it mainly a power move to retaliate.
Allan definitely sounds like a bully and it makes you wonder what need he fills for Ann. Why does she need a strongman? Is she afraid of something that she wants a bully to protect her? What if he turns on her?
I can see the pain and desperation on the page. Well done. I look forward to the next chapter.
Sol
Comment Written 17-Feb-2023
Comment from Alaskastory
"A House of Cards" is another chapter that is well done. Young Tom's action and feelings are described in a most believable way. You are making good progress on this story.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2023
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"A House of Cards" is another chapter that is well done. Young Tom's action and feelings are described in a most believable way. You are making good progress on this story.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2023
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Thanks Marie, I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from royowen
It sounds a little like my home when I was young, mum and dad were constantly fighting, I enjoyed hanging out in my friend's houses, their families always seemed to be more stable and loving than ours, the played family games and company, more love than mine. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2023
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It sounds a little like my home when I was young, mum and dad were constantly fighting, I enjoyed hanging out in my friend's houses, their families always seemed to be more stable and loving than ours, the played family games and company, more love than mine. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2023
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Interesting what you said Roy because coming up I reveal how I used to go to this families house of a friend so I could see how a close and together family acted. Thanks.
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How else can we learn
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, what an ominous ending! With Allan there, you really didn't want to live there. But your poor father had to be physically restrained and humiliated. I would think the police should have talked to your mother, too. I hope your "new family" is a much better situation.
Minor nit:
words would stay with me for the rest of my life." (no quotes as this isn't part of the quoted dialogue here.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Oh, what an ominous ending! With Allan there, you really didn't want to live there. But your poor father had to be physically restrained and humiliated. I would think the police should have talked to your mother, too. I hope your "new family" is a much better situation.
Minor nit:
words would stay with me for the rest of my life." (no quotes as this isn't part of the quoted dialogue here.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Thanks!
Comment from BethShelby
Your dad didn't do anything to bring that surprise on himself, but you were disappointed he wasn't able to fight Allan. I feel very sorry for you wanting to be anywhere but there. I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it either if my mother had brought another man in to live with the family. I'm finding your story very interesting.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Your dad didn't do anything to bring that surprise on himself, but you were disappointed he wasn't able to fight Allan. I feel very sorry for you wanting to be anywhere but there. I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it either if my mother had brought another man in to live with the family. I'm finding your story very interesting.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Thanks Beth!
Comment from Ben Colder
Being raised in an atmosphere like that can only produce either good kids or bad. You chose Jesus and I did the same. I am familiar with having things like this happen.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Being raised in an atmosphere like that can only produce either good kids or bad. You chose Jesus and I did the same. I am familiar with having things like this happen.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Thanks Ben!
Comment from Shirley McLain
I can see that little boy with his broken heart and disappointment over what he thought was weakness in his father. You did a great job telling more of your story. I hope you've had a good Valentine's Day. Shirley
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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I can see that little boy with his broken heart and disappointment over what he thought was weakness in his father. You did a great job telling more of your story. I hope you've had a good Valentine's Day. Shirley
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Thanks Shirley!
Comment from JT traveller
A wonderfully written and thoroughly thought out piece of prose. Your words have created such vivid imagery that I can imagine being present at the scene.
A distressing story nonetheless, particularly for children to be part of a broken family and to be surrounded by spite, anger and aggression. It truly does stay with you for life.
A powerful read.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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A wonderfully written and thoroughly thought out piece of prose. Your words have created such vivid imagery that I can imagine being present at the scene.
A distressing story nonetheless, particularly for children to be part of a broken family and to be surrounded by spite, anger and aggression. It truly does stay with you for life.
A powerful read.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Appreciate this review!
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My pleasure.
Comment from patcelaw
You say you were 10 at the time this happened to you. My heart goes out to a little boy who is going through this much stress a disaster at his life. I do hope that you have gotten your life back together and that you are doing much better today. I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. May God bless you and all you do. Patricia
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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You say you were 10 at the time this happened to you. My heart goes out to a little boy who is going through this much stress a disaster at his life. I do hope that you have gotten your life back together and that you are doing much better today. I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. May God bless you and all you do. Patricia
Comment Written 14-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2023
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Thanks!
