Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Hmm, I am a bit confused here, just like the kids. This could have been solved in minutes but now is stretched out... for plot purposes perhaps?
And having Dana suddenly start to mess up, seem too far, to build up tension. and have slim victory.


Please promise me you won't say anything."

- I don't understand why a mother is pleading with her own child not to do what she says.
Abby is coming across very timid.

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023

Interesting points. As for stretching it out, I would say yes,it is primarily for plot purposes, but it also shows how classy and mature Abby has become. Sure, she could have accused Dana right then, ripped her jacket off maybe and exposed the suit, or made a big scene when they turned their scores in, but I just can't picture Abby doing that. As you'll see in the next chapter, the winning of the club championship pales in comparison to simply getting her suit back. There is a significant line in the next chapter that explains this.

The reason for Dana's messing up at the end is simply how hot and uncomfortable she now is in the suit with the heat and sweat building up during a high-pressure match. Once she hits that first bad drive, she starts losing confidence, and golf is very much a mental game as it is a physical one.

In regards to Abby seemingly pleading with her daughter, Abby knows how to handle Claire. She understands that Claire is outraged for her mom, and Abby appreciates it. She knows that Claire is a good kid, and that asking her politely will be just as effective as telling her firmly. I know this is how I would have handled it with my own daughter who was also a good kid like Claire. I think, however, that I will take the question marks off and make it, "Claire, please." instead of "Claire? Please?" so it doesn't sound to the reader like pleading. Thanks for that.

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

One thing for sure, Abby is really showing her character by not ratting on Dana. On the other hand, by not having Dana disqualified, the person who had a 156 was denied the runner-up glory, and Abby would be responsible for that. But on the surface of it, Abby showed a lot of maturity in taking her second place. Good job, Jim

Jay

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Thanks, Jay.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

I'm wondering about the advertisement value of the win. I don't think Dana will refuse to give it back. I was wondering if it shorted out due to her sweating. As you can see, your reader has all kinds of questions. On letter forgotten in last hole description: ...barely got of(f) the ground . . .

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Good intuition, Carol! It didn't short out due to sweating, but that reminds me of when my wife first read it. She jokingly suggested that it should start raining, causing the suit to short out and start making all of Dana's limbs go flapping around wildly!

Thanks for the good catch.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

How fascinating, of course I'm nothing like Abby is, nor is Claire, but then she's young, bu I'm not sure what I really would have done, but one doesn't improve dramatically in such a short time, I can remember adjusting my table tennis game, and shooting up to top of the hustings after practising for hours to orthodoxy, it was dramatic, but muscle training takes time, and I was a teenager. Asking how she got so good, so quick is good, Claire's suspicions were correct, well done, Beautifully written blessings Roy

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Thank you, Roy. Maybe you could have used a table tennis suit to speed up the muscle training. :-)

reply by royowen on 02-Feb-2023

Good one, heh heh

Comment from Kaiku

Excellent

OK, you played right into my hands, Ha, not really. Good story continues. My hunch is that Mrs. Griffin will not be able to live with the idea that she cheated and will exclaim as such with the revelation that the training suit devised by Claire will revolutionize the golf training world and she (Mrs. Griffin) would like to be the first investor.

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

That's a good hunch about Dana, but I didn't think of that investor idea. It's a good one!

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

Abby is one tough lady. I could never have remained that calm. You did a great job writing this. I can't wait to see how Dana responds to being confronted.

"Have you decided what you're going to do yet?" he asked me. (you can omit 'me', it's understood.)

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Thanks, Barbara. BTW, surgery is all done now and went well. I have to do everything left-handed for a while, though. (carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel release) Thanks for your good wishes before surgery.

reply by barbara.wilkey on 02-Feb-2023

Still sending prayers and will continue until you're completely healed.

Comment from Tom Horonzy

Excellent

And your drive (your story) keeps rolling and rolling, will it culminate in reaching the green, and perhaps rolling in for an ace? Gotta wait to see. ell done.

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Thanks, Tom!

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Abby has become a strong willed individual over these years. She is full of confidence in herself and her abilities. It shows in her demeanor.

One small correction-
She skulled a low one that barely got of (off) the ground,

Looking forward to how she handles Dana.

Cheers.
John

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Thanks, John. Good catch.

Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)

Excellent

This chapter was great, and left just the right amount of suspense for the reader to be wanting more. I did have a slight problem with the lead-in though, in terms of the time line. Claire was struggling with her game, and following this observation, her mother set-out to develop a teachng aid that took several years. Would everyone (including the story) really wait around that long? It seems to me they would have moved onto other interests. Couldn't you accelerate the prototype to several months? kay

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Interesting question. Claire is now 12. At age 8 is when she was first experiencing her troubles with the swing. This was related by Abby in 2004 when she was giving some past history. She was telling us that her family joined the country club 4 years previous, and that's when Claire was first having her troubles with the swing. So, construction actually began 4 years prior to the action of the chapter in 2004. (There is a 4-year gap from 1996-2000 when I skipped ahead in time.) So, nothing is happening in the book during those years (but there certainly is in Abby's life.)

Presumably Claire keeps trying to improve. The rest of her game, especially her putting if very good, so she maintains her interest in golf during that time, even though she's having trouble with the full swing (and thinks maybe the suit her parents are working on will fix her swing.)

Does this answer your question?

Comment from Sarah Das Gupta

Excellent

Abby shows amazing self-control here but it is a successful narrative technique as the reader is left waiting to see how she will deal with the cheating Dana!

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

---

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

Thanks, Sarah. We'll soon find out.

reply by Sarah Das Gupta on 02-Feb-2023

Best wishes!