Comment from Kaiku

Excellent

OK, I will disagree in one area of your story. Mom and Dad`s punishment for losing the suit is rather short-sighted on her mother`s part. And dad is being a bit of a spineless fan. I would think that the warmer clothes are not being discarded for fear of discovery but maybe that`s too obvious. If she is wearing it then a DQ would ensue as one cannot be guided by any type of training aid when in competition.

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

How do you mean "short-sighted?" do you mean not strict enough?" What do you suggest the punishment should be, if any?

You're correct about Dana's decision to leave the suit on; she knows about the DQ rule.

reply by Kaiku on 02-Feb-2023

Short-sighted was not the right word. Punishment, not sure what would be appropriate. I?d be more understanding.

reply by Kaiku on 02-Feb-2023

Short-sighted was not the right word. Punishment, not sure what would be appropriate. I?d be more understanding.

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

Good ... you left us at a cliff-hanger!

Kenny is more of a softy than me [Kenny is more of a softy than I (am). ]

As I mused about this, a disconcerting thought came to me, [Ah-ha!]

I gotta hand it to you, Jim. As an avid golfer, you still avoid over "golfizing" your chapter. The reader feels comfortable and doesn't have to stop and Google any terms.

Jay

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Thanks very much, Jay. It's taken 3 drafts to get there, but it sounds like I've dumbed it down enough so that non-golfers can both understand and enjoy the golf (and hopefully the bridge) parts.

I Googled "than me" vs "than I", and the consensus seems to be what this quote says:

"John is taller than me" and "John is taller than I" are both correct. However, some of your readers might think that "John is taller than me" is wrong (even though it sounds natural), and some of your readers might think that "John is taller than I" sounds pretentious. The safest option is to expand the sentence after the "than." For example:

John is taller than I am.

I think if the dialog or narration is by or from a person who speaks quite formally (like Ajdin in your Christmas story) I would tend to use "than I," but for average joes like Abby and E.J., to me it feels more natural to use "than me." Just my opinion. The grammar checker I use accepts either way.

reply by Jay Squires on 01-Feb-2023

I think it was with the onset of the internet and especially social media when what was a hard-and-fast rule (for formal writing), became slack. For dialogue, of course, you throw grammatical rules out the window. But for the narrative voice you do run the risk (as at least two sources stated, and I think most all sources would have to agree with) that the writer is simply ignorant of the rules. Which doesn't mean he's ignorant. Since most writers here probably harbor the desire to have their book accepted by a brick and mortar publishing house, they need to be at least aware of what can be considered objectionable by their editors. I have been told by those in the business that Major Book publishers are so overwhelmed by submitted novels, that they look for the first violation of their standards to slush pile it.

Jay

reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023

You've made some interesting points. You're right that anything goes with dialog, but I wonder to what extent a first-person account needs to stick to a more formal grammar approach.

See, I don't view this as strictly a narrative voice as you would with a third person account. This novel is more like a diary of the different characters, and is, in essence, an internal dialog the characters are having, as you would when writing in a diary. When Abby was a child in part 1, it wouldn't be appropriate to have her relate the story in perfectly mature-sounding grammar. It should read like a kid telling the story. I think it should be more correct than dialog, so as not to annoy the reader with too much poor grammar, but it still has to sound like the character, because it is the character's thoughts, not some neutral third person account.

This is also the reason I believe it is appropriate to change tenses the way we were discussing the other day. When you write in a diary, it's appropriate to use past tense for events that have already taken place, present tense for ongoing things, i.e. things that will continue to be the case, and future tense for things that might or will happen in the future.

And yes, I do harbor a desire to go the traditional publishing route with this, but I know the chances are slim of having it accepted and that I'll probably end up self-publishing it. I believe you when you say they are so overwhelmed with novels that they would reject one for the first error, but I'm going to write it the way that it makes sense to me unless someone can prove me wrong and change my mind about it. I can afford to be that way because I don't make a living doing this.

Very interesting discussions I have with you, Jay. You really make me think hard about what I'm doing.

reply by Jay Squires on 02-Feb-2023

Jim, you are a rascal. You know that, don't you, LOL. You very articulately defend your feelings on why you do what you do. And I would secretly be very disappointed if you turned them over on the advice of a book of rules.

If you do get this published on a brick and mortar house, no one will be happier for you than I (will be happy for you, LOL.

Jay

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

Very good job of building the tension. Giving Abby that sudden thought without defining it is even more tension building. Very well-crafted chapter and interesting story. I believe when you say she moved onto the next hole, on and to should be separated. (No guarantee to that, but seems I remember it from teaching grammar.)

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Thanks, Carol. I think you're right about the onto. I will change it.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

I can see where this is going, but if it warms up, she's going to be more and more uncomfortable with that 'special' undergarment, but thieves never prosper in the long run and she certainly won't, I think even she will be mentally uncomfortable, even if she thinks cheating is OK, Well done Jim, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Very perceptive, Roy!

reply by royowen on 01-Feb-2023

Bless you

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

Dana is wearing the suit and Abby had that thought but dismissed it. HMM, I can't wait for the next post. I know Dana is going to be discovered, I'm just not sure how you're going to do it.

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

I may not be able to post tomorrow because I'll be having surgery on my right elbow early in the morning. If not tomorrow, it will be Friday.

reply by barbara.wilkey on 01-Feb-2023

I'll pray everything goes will with the surgery,

reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Thanks, Barbara.

Comment from jacquelyn popp

Excellent

Great chapter. I think you should go easy on her. Very interesting read, and kept me reading without stopping. This was enjoyable and exciting to read, it made me want to see where it was headed. I especaill liked the way that you described the characters in your notes. That was especially helpful, because this is the first time that I have read your writing. I will be looking forward to more from you. Thank you for sharing.

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Thank you very much Jacquelyn. The final 4 chapters will be out within the next few days. Each one will be promoted.

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Great chapter, Jim. I don't golf but am familiar with the game and verbiage. You kept it exciting and wanting the reader to continue and see where it's headed.
Abby has some doubts on Dana's sudden increase in performance - "a disconcerting thought came to me, but I put it aside for now".

You're keeping us wanting and wanting... great touch.

John

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Great! Thanks, John.

Comment from Tom Horonzy

Excellent

So, Dana was a southpaw? Otherwise, a draw down the left side would likely end in the rough :-)
Next. I was playing well at even par, but she was 1-under for the day, which put her 3 strokes ahead of me. I understood the two strokes she led by to start the day, but the sentence left me confused and doing math. :-D
Leave it to me to find a splinter in the tree.

 Comment Written 01-Feb-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

No, those were good. I will clarify both points. Thanks!

reply by Tom Horonzy on 01-Feb-2023

Whew! So, we're good?

reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023

Yeah. See if it's clearer now.

reply by Tom Horonzy on 01-Feb-2023

Clear as Barbara Streisand singing "On a Clear Day." Beautiful.