Some Call It Luck
Viewing comments for Chapter 57 "Some Call It Luck - Chapter 57"A unique friendship affects the course of 2 lives.
8 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, a time jump. So, is E.J. secretly you? Or perhaps you are his template. Well, I think it is written well, and it's nice to see the characters are now older and stabilized. But, I wonder if the core issue has been addressed. The plot. The journey, the conflict. Previously, that was the weakest part. Not saying, some people don't like golf and bridge. They do, but... I think may need more stakes in this part.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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Hmm, a time jump. So, is E.J. secretly you? Or perhaps you are his template. Well, I think it is written well, and it's nice to see the characters are now older and stabilized. But, I wonder if the core issue has been addressed. The plot. The journey, the conflict. Previously, that was the weakest part. Not saying, some people don't like golf and bridge. They do, but... I think may need more stakes in this part.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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Well, I was never an alcoholic, and I didn't have E.J.'s traumatic past, but in a number of ways I do resemble E.J., although personality-wise, I'm probably more like Kenny. My wife resembles Abby in a number of ways too, though Abby is probably smarter. I also have an older daughter and a younger son. Hmm, I wonder if this is all coincidental?
There will definitely be some conflict, and the stakes will be raised in the coming chapters.
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, the plot is developing ... but as you'll see, I ran into a few snags:
For the first few weeks, I sat and did research on my own. [I don't know that "sat" is needed here.]
He developed as much enthusiasm for the project as me, ["... as much enthusiasm for the project as I, ..." If you add the implied word "did" at the end, you'll see why it can't be "me". The way you wrote it is fine in casual conversation, but not in writing.]
tens of thousands of dollars, we now have a working prototype. [ ... we now HAD a working prototype.]
It works like this: ["... WORKED like this ..." See how easy it is to slip into the present tense, then continue along in it?]
I could talk about all this for hours, [While introducing yourself as narrator, doesn't solve the problem. It adds to it with "author intrusion" that pulls the reader out of the intimate relationship with the characters. Try to avoid author intrusion at all costs. In order to keep this character driven and cohesive, you should go back and put this back into the past tense.]
Other than that, this chapter is developing nicely.
Jay
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2023
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Well, the plot is developing ... but as you'll see, I ran into a few snags:
For the first few weeks, I sat and did research on my own. [I don't know that "sat" is needed here.]
He developed as much enthusiasm for the project as me, ["... as much enthusiasm for the project as I, ..." If you add the implied word "did" at the end, you'll see why it can't be "me". The way you wrote it is fine in casual conversation, but not in writing.]
tens of thousands of dollars, we now have a working prototype. [ ... we now HAD a working prototype.]
It works like this: ["... WORKED like this ..." See how easy it is to slip into the present tense, then continue along in it?]
I could talk about all this for hours, [While introducing yourself as narrator, doesn't solve the problem. It adds to it with "author intrusion" that pulls the reader out of the intimate relationship with the characters. Try to avoid author intrusion at all costs. In order to keep this character driven and cohesive, you should go back and put this back into the past tense.]
Other than that, this chapter is developing nicely.
Jay
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2023
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Jay, thank you for taking the time to do this analysis. Your remarks about the tense have highlighted a struggle throughout the story for me to decide which tense to use. I've written other stories in first person that were about an old person relating a story that took place years before. In a case like that it's easy to put everything in past tense.
This story, however, is different in that it is taking place basically in the present but across a 33 year time span. I say "basically" because in some of the chapters, the character is reminiscing or relating things that happened a year or so earlier. In those cases I use past tense. Even when relating things that have just very recently happened I use past tense, kind of like you would when writing in a diary. And perhaps I should have said "we now had a working prototype." But I chose to say that in present tense, because all the past description of how it came about was in the past, but it has led up to this moment when they now have a working prototype that hasn't been tested yet (except by the design team).
The next few paragraphs, in which she describes how it works, just seemed to me to lend themselves to present tense, mainly because we haven't seen it in action yet.
I don't know if this makes any sense, or if it will just confuse the reader, but I did think hard about the few times throughout the story that I relate something in present tense.
In regards to "I could talk about all this for hours," that is supposed to be Abby saying that, not me, because she goes on to tell us that Claire will be the guinea pig in a few days.
Once again, I really appreciate your close reading of the story and your suggestions for improving it.
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The important thing is that you did the tense thing with your eyes wide open and for a purpose, I suppose. Just know that it will rankle some readers, like me. If you sent it to a professional editor, he or she would likely say the same as I did. And from what I hear, a publishing house, reading something from a query, would use tense shifting as a reason for automatic rejection. Just as long as you know.
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Let me give you another example from earlier in the story, and see if you don't agree that present tense is the better way to go for the part that is in present tense (starting with "He really is my cat.")
This is from Part 1, before you started reading it. The background is that Lester the cat just caused Dad to trip and drop his breakfast, and he curses Lester out for always being in the way and threatens to get rid of Lester. Abby then says:
"Don't" say that, Dad! I'll let him out and clean up the mess," I said as I got up from the table.
I opened the door to let him out and started choking up at the thought of losing my cat.
He really is my cat. He isn't friendly to anyone else, not even Lisa--just me. Maybe it's because I'm the only one who plays with him. He sleeps on my bed at night, and I'm the one who feeds him too. I also clean out his litter box.
After I let him out the back door, I got out the kitchen garbage can and a broom and dustpan to clean up the mess on the floor.
She's not describing an action that is explicitly taking place now (that I would use past tense for) but an ongoing situation that will continue. Just like the prototype, they have it now and it works like the way she describes it. Once we get to some action, then it will go back to past tense which I use to describe action.
Here's another example:
"We had gotten some very nice wedding gifts but still had to go out and buy a number of things to complete our household. It was a busy time, but we are young and full of energy and didn't mind all the work."
I chose to say we are young instead of we were young because she is still young and will be for a number of years at the time she is narrating this scene.
I'm not sure if this makes sense to people or if other authors do it this way, but it makes sense to me in certain situations.
I welcome anymore input you may have on it, Jay.
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Jim, if you feel comfortable with it, and if no other reviewers noticed it (assuming you had a decent number of reviews) then count it that I'm being too persnickity. But for me, even with the above examples, they tilt my awareness way off center. I certainly won't point them out again, however.
Jay
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That's fine, Jay. You always get me thinking about my writing and questioning it, which is what I like about your reviews.
I will continue to think more about this.
Comment from jmdg1954
From the last chapter with the inception of the suit idea which will improve a golfers game to this chapter which sets up the team snd begins its study, it was both technical, sports oriented and thought provoking. One of the better chapters, I thought.
Nice writing, Jim.
Cheers. John
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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From the last chapter with the inception of the suit idea which will improve a golfers game to this chapter which sets up the team snd begins its study, it was both technical, sports oriented and thought provoking. One of the better chapters, I thought.
Nice writing, Jim.
Cheers. John
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Thanks, John. I'm glad to hear that. I was hoping people wouldn't think it was too technical and be bored with the amount of detail.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a good chapter with lots of technical information that means nothing to me, but it sounds really good. The idea of the suit sounds like a great idea for the wealthy. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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This is a good chapter with lots of technical information that means nothing to me, but it sounds really good. The idea of the suit sounds like a great idea for the wealthy. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Teaching professionals may dislike this invention because it stands to take away from their business; however, if they are smart, they would invest in one and use it during their lessons.
Comment from pome lover
Jim, that is amazing! I'm afraid I have a silly question, as the pictures confused me. This, being chapter 57, of a book, are you using the pictures just to show how you picture your characters? Is it fiction, or not? Is the suit real?
Did you and friends invent this golfing suit? and if so, what will you charge for it? It sounds too detailed for it to be just fiction.
And that was more than one question. Sorry, but this is truly fascinating. Please say it's for real.
Katharine
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Jim, that is amazing! I'm afraid I have a silly question, as the pictures confused me. This, being chapter 57, of a book, are you using the pictures just to show how you picture your characters? Is it fiction, or not? Is the suit real?
Did you and friends invent this golfing suit? and if so, what will you charge for it? It sounds too detailed for it to be just fiction.
And that was more than one question. Sorry, but this is truly fascinating. Please say it's for real.
Katharine
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Unfortunately, Katharine, the suit is a total figment of my imagination. I wish it were real because I would buy one! The book is fiction.
The pictures are my image of how the characters look. E.J. is actually Dustin Hoffman in his role as Ratso Rizzo in the 1973 movie "Midnight Cowboy." Abby is a picture of Ukrainian model Daria Sidorchuk.
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well, you were very convincing about the make-up of the suit AND it is a terrific idea. We could all certainly benefit from it (golfers). and you would be a multimillionaire!
I knew the picture was old Dustin, that's what confused me.
Comment from royowen
Of course I was naturally wondering if all these things are possible, and would be possible to develop something like this suit. It would equalise a lot of things, but is it inline with the natural order of things, there's nothing physically normal about gold swings, that's the fascination I guess, there is an untouchable skill however, the ability to predict wind, (such as gusts) and air conditions, some champions h have an innate ability that sets them apart. Beautifully written,, blessings Roy
Typo : Their nearest neighbour(')s act
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Of course I was naturally wondering if all these things are possible, and would be possible to develop something like this suit. It would equalise a lot of things, but is it inline with the natural order of things, there's nothing physically normal about gold swings, that's the fascination I guess, there is an untouchable skill however, the ability to predict wind, (such as gusts) and air conditions, some champions h have an innate ability that sets them apart. Beautifully written,, blessings Roy
Typo : Their nearest neighbour(')s act
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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I'd really like to know if it's possible too. It was just a wild idea I once had. You're right, though; there is a lot more to being a good golfer than just knowing the swing. It has to hold up under pressure, and there is a large mental component to the game.
Good catch with the typo.
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Any sport really, they reckon it?s 90% played above the shoulders.
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I pretended my opponent was my enemy, heh heh
Comment from barbara.wilkey
There's a lot about the golf training suit in this post. I can't wait to see how it works. Claire is the perfect person to try it out on. I can't wait to see how it works. This is a good post.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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There's a lot about the golf training suit in this post. I can't wait to see how it works. Claire is the perfect person to try it out on. I can't wait to see how it works. This is a good post.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Hopefully it wasn't too boring, but I felt I had to give it some scientific credibility so that it didn't seem fanciful or unrealistic. We'll see it in use in the next few chapters.
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You did, not a problem
Comment from Tom Horonzy
murmuration - what a wonderful sounding word as it rolls off one's tongue; however, it felt as I read it to be a size eleven shoe for a twelve-size foot. :-)
I would not endure the "suit" on me, but then I needn't worry for I am sure the product would not be custom fitted for a 6'6/325 pound guy like me.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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murmuration - what a wonderful sounding word as it rolls off one's tongue; however, it felt as I read it to be a size eleven shoe for a twelve-size foot. :-)
I would not endure the "suit" on me, but then I needn't worry for I am sure the product would not be custom fitted for a 6'6/325 pound guy like me.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2023
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Not the prototype anyway. Maybe golf suit 6.0 (size XXXL)
