Shadows of the Past
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1"Traumatized by her past, Annie seeks an escape.
41 total reviews
Comment from Jane Jane King
This chapter is very compelling...kept me on the edge of my seat...the writing is sweet, alluring and mysterious and beautifully poetic and atmospheric as well. I was taking the journey with her. Beautiful writing
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This chapter is very compelling...kept me on the edge of my seat...the writing is sweet, alluring and mysterious and beautifully poetic and atmospheric as well. I was taking the journey with her. Beautiful writing
Comment Written 10-Feb-2023
Comment from Mark Kuglin
That was amazing. It hooked me from the start and kept me intrigued to the final word.
So far, the story is compelling yet written vague enough to leave a reader with questions and craving chapter two.
Xxxxxxx
At first, I found the notepad section jarring. As I neared it's conclusion I discovered the effective it was having...It places you looking over her shoulder or stealing a look at it....Either way, great choice.
Congrats on a great start.
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That was amazing. It hooked me from the start and kept me intrigued to the final word.
So far, the story is compelling yet written vague enough to leave a reader with questions and craving chapter two.
Xxxxxxx
At first, I found the notepad section jarring. As I neared it's conclusion I discovered the effective it was having...It places you looking over her shoulder or stealing a look at it....Either way, great choice.
Congrats on a great start.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2023
Comment from MissMerri
I'm definitely intrigued by this story, and your writing is excellent. My confusion, I suppose, will clear up when I have read a little more. I have only one suggestion: It seems like there are so many different fonts. I can't figure out what this is supposed to accomplish. It is a bit distracting, but if there is a purpose... then I just need to know what that purpose is. If not, I'd suggest you pick one or two and stick to those.
Congratulations on your first Milestone. Keep going!!
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I'm definitely intrigued by this story, and your writing is excellent. My confusion, I suppose, will clear up when I have read a little more. I have only one suggestion: It seems like there are so many different fonts. I can't figure out what this is supposed to accomplish. It is a bit distracting, but if there is a purpose... then I just need to know what that purpose is. If not, I'd suggest you pick one or two and stick to those.
Congratulations on your first Milestone. Keep going!!
Comment Written 08-Feb-2023
Comment from patcelaw
This is very well written. It kept me engaged all the way through your story. It is just a truth in life that we cannot run away from our past even though we try. I am glad that in the end, and he has Gabriel to keep her safe. God bless and have a good day Patricia.
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This is very well written. It kept me engaged all the way through your story. It is just a truth in life that we cannot run away from our past even though we try. I am glad that in the end, and he has Gabriel to keep her safe. God bless and have a good day Patricia.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2023
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it's weird, I thought I'd already reviewed this piece but seeing as you're paying out a ridiculous amount of reward I'll chip in this time!
I'd look at your presentation first off. I get wanting to present the hand-written form but sometimes it jars, just something to watch out for.
That being said, what is more jarring is the fact that it appears as highlighted text, white on off-white. The presentation really does matter and you should want it to be spot on.
To be honest, I'm not exactly sold on the diary entry anyway. The narrative is in first person so the diary entry seems a little redundant as we're being told the tale in first person narrative anyway.
Hi there,
There's a nice emotional quotient to this instalment but I think there may a bit of an issue with the framework.
I made some notes as I read through-
There's no differentiation between the diary entry and the remembrance, and the narrative. These techniques and devices are used to add something extra. for example, in a third person narrative, a diary would be used to give a different perspective and show innermost thoughts, that doesn't happen when the narrator is the one doing the diary, it's all their perspective and perception.
All the best
GMG
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Hi there,
it's weird, I thought I'd already reviewed this piece but seeing as you're paying out a ridiculous amount of reward I'll chip in this time!
I'd look at your presentation first off. I get wanting to present the hand-written form but sometimes it jars, just something to watch out for.
That being said, what is more jarring is the fact that it appears as highlighted text, white on off-white. The presentation really does matter and you should want it to be spot on.
To be honest, I'm not exactly sold on the diary entry anyway. The narrative is in first person so the diary entry seems a little redundant as we're being told the tale in first person narrative anyway.
Hi there,
There's a nice emotional quotient to this instalment but I think there may a bit of an issue with the framework.
I made some notes as I read through-
There's no differentiation between the diary entry and the remembrance, and the narrative. These techniques and devices are used to add something extra. for example, in a third person narrative, a diary would be used to give a different perspective and show innermost thoughts, that doesn't happen when the narrator is the one doing the diary, it's all their perspective and perception.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 08-Feb-2023
Comment from Maria Millsaps
Interesting story, got my attention. There seems to be so much going on and I wonder if the parents are vampires? Sounds like they are involved in some kind of cult.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2023
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Interesting story, got my attention. There seems to be so much going on and I wonder if the parents are vampires? Sounds like they are involved in some kind of cult.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Maria. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. The story behind the parents is in the second chapter. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
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Welcom
Comment from Jay Squires
This was certainly a fine example of good suspenseful writing. Your students are fortunate to have such a creative person as their teacher, though they may only realize it later. Yours was a fine story with excellent character development. Here are a few notes I took:
Dark chuckles trailed me, [What an opening for a paragraph of tension!]
I bolt upright and, seeing shadows dancing closer, [Put the comma before the "and", not after it. And is one of several coordinating conjunctions and does not have a comma following it. "But" is another one. I'm guilty of the same thing. I have to put "and" and "but" in the find/delete function of Microsoft Word to bring each up and make sure there are no commas after them.]
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2023
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This was certainly a fine example of good suspenseful writing. Your students are fortunate to have such a creative person as their teacher, though they may only realize it later. Yours was a fine story with excellent character development. Here are a few notes I took:
Dark chuckles trailed me, [What an opening for a paragraph of tension!]
I bolt upright and, seeing shadows dancing closer, [Put the comma before the "and", not after it. And is one of several coordinating conjunctions and does not have a comma following it. "But" is another one. I'm guilty of the same thing. I have to put "and" and "but" in the find/delete function of Microsoft Word to bring each up and make sure there are no commas after them.]
Comment Written 07-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Jay! I appreciate it and your feedback. Awww, thank you! That means a lot to me. I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story. Thank you again for reading and pointing out those corrections. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Sanku
welcome back to fanstory ,It is a brilliant beginning. it feels like a Romance cum supernatural story .The first chapter itself is very intriguing and I am sure to follow it .
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2023
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welcome back to fanstory ,It is a brilliant beginning. it feels like a Romance cum supernatural story .The first chapter itself is very intriguing and I am sure to follow it .
Comment Written 07-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it and your feedback. Thank you! I'm thrilled to be back. I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story. I'm working on chapter 3; it may take a bit as I want to make sure I do it justice. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, Annie did go through quite a lot and I can understand if she has flashbacks and bad dreams about it. But Gabriel seems to be there for her. I will be looking forward to this. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2023
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Hi there, Annie did go through quite a lot and I can understand if she has flashbacks and bad dreams about it. But Gabriel seems to be there for her. I will be looking forward to this. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 06-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Ulla. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. It's slow going with chapter 3, but I want to make sure I do it justice. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D
Comment from LJbutterfly
I enjoyed your writing style and sentence structures. Each sentence provided a lot of information.
"Dark chuckles trailed me, his footsteps an easy, unhurried pace." A man was behind her with a frightening laugh and slow but steady footsteps.
"Backlit by the moonlight, I couldn't see much, but I still glimpsed the telltale pale skin, and then his lips peeled back, revealing a row of unmistakable fangs, gleaming white and sharp." There is a lot of information and rich imagery in this sentence.
I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2023
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I enjoyed your writing style and sentence structures. Each sentence provided a lot of information.
"Dark chuckles trailed me, his footsteps an easy, unhurried pace." A man was behind her with a frightening laugh and slow but steady footsteps.
"Backlit by the moonlight, I couldn't see much, but I still glimpsed the telltale pale skin, and then his lips peeled back, revealing a row of unmistakable fangs, gleaming white and sharp." There is a lot of information and rich imagery in this sentence.
I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it and your feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. It's slow going with chapter 3, but I want to make sure I do it justice. Thank you again for reading. Take care. :D :D