Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Well, that's what happens when you don't hit it when you've got the chance. Kenny had bad game. Good chapter. Tragic ending in more ways than one.

We went to a movie {tonight} and when he pulled in the driveway,

-Should this be: that night.

 Comment Written 07-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023

Yeah, maybe with a little more finesse or better technique he might have scored. Now he might never get the chance. (Maybe he was taking out his rejection on the cat!)

reply by lancellot on 07-Jan-2023

At their age, in 1987, with words of love, I thought she was inviting him in to do it. She totally played him. Got him hot and bothered, then sent him to the showers. Yeah, he likely killed the cat on purpose. No one likes a tease.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

You have a good story going here. Abby will hopefully get over her anger and sorrow about Lester. Kenny can't be blamed, we had that same accident one Halloween and the blood on the kids' costumes was real. You do write very well, but need to watch not to start 2 sentences one after the other with same word.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023

Thanks, Carol. I'm sorry you had such a thing happen. Though this has never happened to me, I got extremely emotional writing this scene. Thanks for the good suggestion too.

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

That was a very dramatic ending to your chapter. I must say I had begun to wonder if there shouldn't soon be something to test their love for each other. This was an excellent test. A fine chapter, Jim!

Jay

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

Thanks, Jay. I really appreciate it.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

That's one of the worst things to run over one's own animal, not that I've actually done that, but people have, folk have actually killed there own children, accidentally of course, I don't know whether I could have forgiven myself for that, beautifully written, Jim, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

Thanks, Roy. I got very emotional writing this scene. It's never happened to me either, but I'm sure it would be very tough to live with.

reply by royowen on 06-Jan-2023

Well done Jim

Comment from Sarah Robin

Excellent

I enjoyed reading this chapter and will look forward to reading more. I am also a golfer and I liked your putting lesson. Thanks for sharing this post with us. Well done. Sarah

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

I'm delighted Sarah. Thank you. You may also enjoy the full swing lesson in Chapter 34 if you liked the putting lesson.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I don't know how I've missed so much of your writing. I need to become a fan, so I don't miss any more. This is good.

"Just don't let him speak for you. You can assert yourself." (Jeez, listen to me talking about being assertive!) (Thought should be in italics.)

We sat down and held hands and talked for a while, (you can omit 'down' it's extra and not needed)

I burst out crying as I bent down to hug him. (you can omit 'down' it's extra and not needed)

Kenny said as he knelt down and started to put his arm around my shoulder. (you can omit 'down' it's extra and not needed)

He stood up then, bowed his head, (you can omit 'up' it's extra and not needed)

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

Thank you so much, Barbara. I've been enjoying your story too, which I began reading from the beginning. Thanks also for the wording suggestions. Much appreciated.

This is a story I am hoping to publish one day via the traditional route (literary agent, publisher, etc.) rather than self-publishing. It would be my first novel.

What I'm sharing on FanStory is actually my third draft of it, and I pretty much put out a chapter or portion of a chapter each day. I'm sending it to an editor for an editorial assessment next week, and I'm trying to get input on as much of it as I can before sending it off.

Question for you as an experienced author: Would it be worth it to send it to a copy editor to correct such things as you pointed out if I become convinced the story is good enough for publication? Or is this something a publisher would do anyway once they get their hands on it, and it would be a waste of my money to do it ahead of time?

reply by barbara.wilkey on 06-Jan-2023

When I finish posting it to FanStory, I make the corrections, then send it to another editor and to be honest, I send it to still another editor. I've given up on traditionally getting anything published in the climate we live in, right now. I refuse to write the trash they're wanting. I will stick with my traditional Christian values. I made that decision when a publisher turned me down because I wouldn't right in men having babies. He even suggested maybe he gets impregnated by an alien. I won't write that stuff. So right now, I self-publish. I did have a publisher, but she died of brain cancer. I'm not sure this helped.

reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

Hoo, boy. You paint a pretty grim picture of publishers these days! I wouldn't make those kinds of changes either. Sorry to hear about your publisher. Your remarks were helpful.

reply by barbara.wilkey on 06-Jan-2023

I am hoping as a country we'll turn back to God and things will get better.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Very well written. Good work. Nice, credible dialogue.
The sexual innuendo and sensuality is tastefully done.
I understand emotions, but now Abby is going to have to apologize for accusing Kenny of murder (basically).
Best wishes.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

Thanks so much, Wayne. A big question is: Will she ever be able to look at him again without seeing the killer of her cat?

reply by Wayne Fowler on 06-Jan-2023

If me, I'd send a condolence and apology (with flowers). Hearing no reply, scratch her as unbalanced.

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Oh boy. I didn't see that coming. You set things up for the reader to ponder what's going to happen in their relationship. This will be one test.

I don't have cats, we have three dogs, Dabler Dachshund, Border Collie and a Golden Retriever, do my heart dropped when I read bout Lester.

You made it work!
John

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

That's gratifying to hear that it affected you so, John. This was a fairly recently-added scene to the story. My daughter, who has good instincts, convinced me that Kenny and Abby needed some source of conflict. I surprised the hell out of her when I came up with this, though.

Comment from CrystieCookie999

Excellent

High drama at the end here (being a cat fan since 2016) after Kenny accidentally runs over and kills Abby's cat, Lester. The flirty time at the golf course just evaporated. The dialogue sounded realistic to me. Not sure what to fix.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

I am a cat lover too, and this scene was very emotional for me to write. Thank you for the great review.

Comment from Sarah Das Gupta

Excellent

Effective contrast here between the growing intimacy and romance between Abby and Kenny and her devastation at the death of her cat. Is this going to be the end of the romance? Ends on a note of high emotion!

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023

Oh, how much you'd like it to be, wouldn't you? And then she'll go running back to E.J., right? Just have to wait and see!

reply by Sarah Das Gupta on 06-Jan-2023

Yes, I was telling my granddaughter the story and she wants to know too!