The Attack of the Klðb-»¯ns!
A Lectric Lad story (known by many as Ohmie)6 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Wayne,
Well, well, well. This is different. Not being either a child/youth or a superhero(ine) fan, it's not my total cup of tea. But it is hilarious. The Klobons conjure some funny images, but I couldn't help but wonder if the Green Sea rose. We all know matter can not be destroyed. Did it generate some kind of special energy? At what point would Klobon ooze dilute the Green Sea? Oh, the mysteries of the universe. Notes follow.
Sue
The tumult and chaos of a Swarzistan war had drowned out Jimmy's last try. --Is this a new country?
the old 1950's through seventies models. -- the old 1950's-70's models. (? -- parallelism)
They took no prisoners of war, not interested in abducting anyone. -- awkward -- not being interested ?
Dozens of Klðb-�¯ns could meld, presenting a force that could overwhelm an Army tank, then re-divide to its individual members. -- That's a remarkable attribute! I wouldn't cap army here.
enabling them to pick up the Klðb-�¯ns and deposit it where ever they desired. ==> wherever
Onto a heap at least slowed the mass to a creeping crawl. -- What?
The same with the next several Klðb-�¯ns - the first never made it out of the Sea. Flash dove into the murky algae water to search. The Klðb-�¯ns was not to be seen anywhere. --needs rewrite
Buzz and Flash, charged with excitement over the breakthrough, had a gigantic plastic pipe -- "had" or "made"?
but a huge interstellactic spaceship, -- interstellactic, LOL
They re-assembled a moment later in Jimmy Buffett's back yard ==> reassembled & backyard (even though it being the accepted noun is one of my pet peeves)
by now re-named the Kobon Sea, ==> renamed
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
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Wayne,
Well, well, well. This is different. Not being either a child/youth or a superhero(ine) fan, it's not my total cup of tea. But it is hilarious. The Klobons conjure some funny images, but I couldn't help but wonder if the Green Sea rose. We all know matter can not be destroyed. Did it generate some kind of special energy? At what point would Klobon ooze dilute the Green Sea? Oh, the mysteries of the universe. Notes follow.
Sue
The tumult and chaos of a Swarzistan war had drowned out Jimmy's last try. --Is this a new country?
the old 1950's through seventies models. -- the old 1950's-70's models. (? -- parallelism)
They took no prisoners of war, not interested in abducting anyone. -- awkward -- not being interested ?
Dozens of Klðb-�¯ns could meld, presenting a force that could overwhelm an Army tank, then re-divide to its individual members. -- That's a remarkable attribute! I wouldn't cap army here.
enabling them to pick up the Klðb-�¯ns and deposit it where ever they desired. ==> wherever
Onto a heap at least slowed the mass to a creeping crawl. -- What?
The same with the next several Klðb-�¯ns - the first never made it out of the Sea. Flash dove into the murky algae water to search. The Klðb-�¯ns was not to be seen anywhere. --needs rewrite
Buzz and Flash, charged with excitement over the breakthrough, had a gigantic plastic pipe -- "had" or "made"?
but a huge interstellactic spaceship, -- interstellactic, LOL
They re-assembled a moment later in Jimmy Buffett's back yard ==> reassembled & backyard (even though it being the accepted noun is one of my pet peeves)
by now re-named the Kobon Sea, ==> renamed
Comment Written 27-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
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Excellent catches and suggestions. Thank you.
You remind me how much I miss Gary MaClean's reviews.
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Have you heard how he is doing?
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Gary, no, I haven't.
I forgot to mention that I changed the country names to be somewhat less Balkanish.
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Wouldn't it be better to change it in all spots? You had both.
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I fixed 'em, but I'll double check.
Is there a way to make FS stop changing the font when I open 'edit'?
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Hmm. Maybe I caught it midstream. :-)
Comment from lyenochka
Seems like you had lots of fun coming up with the names and linguistic reasoning for the alien and Swarzistani languages. I think young boys would enjoy your version of the Fantastic Four. How good for the president that they can be so easily pleased with just Subway sandwiches!
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
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Seems like you had lots of fun coming up with the names and linguistic reasoning for the alien and Swarzistani languages. I think young boys would enjoy your version of the Fantastic Four. How good for the president that they can be so easily pleased with just Subway sandwiches!
Comment Written 26-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
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Thank you for your kind review. Yes, this one is for the boys.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is some funny stuff, full of irony and high humor, almost vaudevillian! Even your footnote was a loving jab at the FanStory editnazi himself. I think I mentioned it before, but your writing has some of the elements of Robert Aspirin. If you haven't read him, you should.
Jay
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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This is some funny stuff, full of irony and high humor, almost vaudevillian! Even your footnote was a loving jab at the FanStory editnazi himself. I think I mentioned it before, but your writing has some of the elements of Robert Aspirin. If you haven't read him, you should.
Jay
Comment Written 25-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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Thank you for the fun review.
No, but I'll look him up.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Wayne, let me congratulate you on your two-hundredth post! Way to Go. Now, as far as the story goes, I do wonder about the brain that holds all of this creativity. How can you create this other world with all of its cast of characters? Amazing, and then having to fight FS story software to present it. Exceptional work. Terry.
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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Wayne, let me congratulate you on your two-hundredth post! Way to Go. Now, as far as the story goes, I do wonder about the brain that holds all of this creativity. How can you create this other world with all of its cast of characters? Amazing, and then having to fight FS story software to present it. Exceptional work. Terry.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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That is sometimes a real battle! (FS and the brain part)
Thank you for your fun review and post acknowledgement.
Comment from lancellot
I have to tell you, all that exposition in the beginning isn't good. It was too complex and too much information dump. This wouldn't capture the readers, just confuse them. I'm not trying to insult you, just saying, it has the feel of a children's sci-fi at first, with chocolate and cocoa. All the language to distracts.
This is only my opinion. What you wrote is structurally fine. I don't rate on opinions.
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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I have to tell you, all that exposition in the beginning isn't good. It was too complex and too much information dump. This wouldn't capture the readers, just confuse them. I'm not trying to insult you, just saying, it has the feel of a children's sci-fi at first, with chocolate and cocoa. All the language to distracts.
This is only my opinion. What you wrote is structurally fine. I don't rate on opinions.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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You are right (no offense taken). It is most definitely a children's/youth piece. Dialoguing the first section didn't come to me. I 'could' simplify it though.
I should do a better job explaining the thing in the intro.
Thank you for a very helpful review.
Comment from Sarah Das Gupta
The irony and humour are effective here. It reminds the reader of Orwelll's'1984' where the countries of the world are eternally at war. The present situation is also ridiculed- for chocolate supplies, read gas:/oil. The pollution of the ironically named 'Green Sea', provides a way of eliminating the enemy!
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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The irony and humour are effective here. It reminds the reader of Orwelll's'1984' where the countries of the world are eternally at war. The present situation is also ridiculed- for chocolate supplies, read gas:/oil. The pollution of the ironically named 'Green Sea', provides a way of eliminating the enemy!
Comment Written 25-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2022
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Thank you for the review.
My repeated attempts to properly edit were painful!
