Heart Crafted Poems - 2023
Viewing comments for Prologue "Destiny's Child"Musing of an old man
26 total reviews
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I give 6 stars because this is the most tricky type of poem and you practically nailed it. The story is well constructed, we can feel the emotion within, the hurt and the pain. Beautifully executed!!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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I give 6 stars because this is the most tricky type of poem and you practically nailed it. The story is well constructed, we can feel the emotion within, the hurt and the pain. Beautifully executed!!
Comment Written 07-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Mario, wow! I am very honored, Thank you!
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I'm not sure if you've actually experienced this, watched someone go through this, or just did a really great job with this. No matter what it's amazing and you should be proud of this. Great job.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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I'm not sure if you've actually experienced this, watched someone go through this, or just did a really great job with this. No matter what it's amazing and you should be proud of this. Great job.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Thank you for the six stars, the plot is semi biographical.
Comment from Sally Law
Aching for another six here. You poets are showing no mercy out of the 2023 starting gate! This is a difficult thing to do. I can barely comprehend one sonnet much less a queen's crown of them. Congratulations on mastering this so beautifully. Dazzling!
Sending you my best today as always and best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Aching for another six here. You poets are showing no mercy out of the 2023 starting gate! This is a difficult thing to do. I can barely comprehend one sonnet much less a queen's crown of them. Congratulations on mastering this so beautifully. Dazzling!
Sending you my best today as always and best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal XOs
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Sal, I herd of poets runs like gazelles for certain, Be blest with Peace to your doorstep every morning with the sunrise.
Comment from lavendermoon14
This is a beautiful poem. The reveal of the secret is very powerful and I loved each detail that you incorporated into this poem. Truly, I have not read anything like this on FanStory before. Great job!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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This is a beautiful poem. The reveal of the secret is very powerful and I loved each detail that you incorporated into this poem. Truly, I have not read anything like this on FanStory before. Great job!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Rachel, thank you, I am incredibly honored!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I so wish I had a six left. I am sorry I do not. I really hope others do because this sonnet is perfect in my opinion. I can't imagine anybody writing anything better. I am sure you have this contest nailed. Or you should. I can't wait to find out.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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I so wish I had a six left. I am sorry I do not. I really hope others do because this sonnet is perfect in my opinion. I can't imagine anybody writing anything better. I am sure you have this contest nailed. Or you should. I can't wait to find out.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Barbara, wow I am very grateful and honored by your validating words. Thank you!
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is Impressive, JLR. It flowed so beautifully as so many times with different rhyme scapes meaning gets distorted within the words. I found this enjoyable and with a beautiful progression of plot. Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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This is Impressive, JLR. It flowed so beautifully as so many times with different rhyme scapes meaning gets distorted within the words. I found this enjoyable and with a beautiful progression of plot. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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John, I am very grateful for your validation. Thank you!
Comment from karenina
I am always impressed with anyone brave enough to tackle the Heroic Sonnet. This reads with a passion and strength that drives the reader forward... A bit of a slip in iambic pentameter here and there, but I see brighter minds than mine have offered their advice. Congratulations on a six-star worthy piece. Alas, I am a sadly inept budgeter and have no more than five to give ~~ and my respect!
Karenina
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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I am always impressed with anyone brave enough to tackle the Heroic Sonnet. This reads with a passion and strength that drives the reader forward... A bit of a slip in iambic pentameter here and there, but I see brighter minds than mine have offered their advice. Congratulations on a six-star worthy piece. Alas, I am a sadly inept budgeter and have no more than five to give ~~ and my respect!
Karenina
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Thank you, I have made every effort to polish away any meteoric errors.
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It may well be me. I'm not exactly and expert...hardly a neophyte!
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You freind are among the FS stars that I have much respect for! Yes, hardly a neophyte 🙏🙏🎶🎶
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Eternal Muse has been a friend for over a decade... She's talked me into entering a few times. My GOSH, these are difficult!
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EM has been a treasure trove of support, encouragement and a blessing! I understand why you are befriended. two peas in a pod ?
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We've come together through several poetry sites... She's very special!
Comment from Anne Johnston
Well done on this entry for the contest. Great rhyming throughout and flows smoothly. Such a tragic story of a secret kept for so many years, only to be discovered after her death. Her love for her son, flows through the tale.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Well done on this entry for the contest. Great rhyming throughout and flows smoothly. Such a tragic story of a secret kept for so many years, only to be discovered after her death. Her love for her son, flows through the tale.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Anne, thank you for plowing through this long tale.
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You are very welcome
Comment from Kaiku
I believe this is the first Heroic Sonnet I have read. After reading the rules of its writing, I am glad to be reading and not otherwise. I don`t believe I would have the patience, vocabulary or creativeness to put such work together. It is a tragic story.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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I believe this is the first Heroic Sonnet I have read. After reading the rules of its writing, I am glad to be reading and not otherwise. I don`t believe I would have the patience, vocabulary or creativeness to put such work together. It is a tragic story.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Kaiku, well admittedly this is my first every plunge into a Heroic sonnet, in fact I have only penned perhaps 10 sonnet attempts since I started with FS.
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Ha there you have it.
Comment from Gloria ....
Congratulations to you, J. Writing a Crown of Heroic Sonnets is a true accomplishment thus the six star.
Just a few observations and things to consider:
Your Point of View is not clearly defined in the opening half of your first sonnet. Who is He, who is You, and who is I. I think defining the characters as lover/father/husband, mother, son would make this a much stronger opening. And also remember to include some of your superb imagery to give your reader a vivid setting. Where are we learning this from? Defining this upfront makes it easier for readers to connect.
A few additional points
II
You strode beyond your loss and were okay.
That just is how, indeed, unwed moms are.
suggestion - for this is how some unwed mothers are
So right, because inflamed is not the way
to move ahead and seek your bright North star.
suggestion - to move ahead and seek your Northern star.
III
Does time heal all chagrin and soothe the bane
like salve atop deep wounds that heal within?
Scars were not seen on the surface, just strain.
The pain encased in your kind heart was shut -in.
like salve atop deep wounds that heal within is 10 syllables and the sister line the pain encased in your kind heart was shut in is 11 syllables and that is what takes your scansion off.
IV
About the love that binds our lives by fate - in this line you have changed above to about
How might you act by my attempt to know
around that night when your both were irate.
suggestion - around that night when you were both irate.
So, what then binds a child and mom for years
while this boy child grows up, becoming keen?
Is it our fate that binds or just moms' tears
that kept the urge to know of sighs seen?
this sister line has only 9 syllables which throws off your scansion. One solution would be - that kept the urge to know of sighs' unseen?
VII
for you, and I now freed; unknown wastage
wastage ends with an unstressed syllable
of lives torn asunder by shame, at least.
Sometimes just a simple word rearranging will put this in iambic metre, of lives asunder torn by shame at least.
Also one small typo in the subtitle: A Crown of Herioc (Heroic) Sonnets
Also left justification makes it easier to read longer poems, but it's not necessary.
Congratulations, you have written a solid poem, here. I wish you great luck in the contest. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Congratulations to you, J. Writing a Crown of Heroic Sonnets is a true accomplishment thus the six star.
Just a few observations and things to consider:
Your Point of View is not clearly defined in the opening half of your first sonnet. Who is He, who is You, and who is I. I think defining the characters as lover/father/husband, mother, son would make this a much stronger opening. And also remember to include some of your superb imagery to give your reader a vivid setting. Where are we learning this from? Defining this upfront makes it easier for readers to connect.
A few additional points
II
You strode beyond your loss and were okay.
That just is how, indeed, unwed moms are.
suggestion - for this is how some unwed mothers are
So right, because inflamed is not the way
to move ahead and seek your bright North star.
suggestion - to move ahead and seek your Northern star.
III
Does time heal all chagrin and soothe the bane
like salve atop deep wounds that heal within?
Scars were not seen on the surface, just strain.
The pain encased in your kind heart was shut -in.
like salve atop deep wounds that heal within is 10 syllables and the sister line the pain encased in your kind heart was shut in is 11 syllables and that is what takes your scansion off.
IV
About the love that binds our lives by fate - in this line you have changed above to about
How might you act by my attempt to know
around that night when your both were irate.
suggestion - around that night when you were both irate.
So, what then binds a child and mom for years
while this boy child grows up, becoming keen?
Is it our fate that binds or just moms' tears
that kept the urge to know of sighs seen?
this sister line has only 9 syllables which throws off your scansion. One solution would be - that kept the urge to know of sighs' unseen?
VII
for you, and I now freed; unknown wastage
wastage ends with an unstressed syllable
of lives torn asunder by shame, at least.
Sometimes just a simple word rearranging will put this in iambic metre, of lives asunder torn by shame at least.
Also one small typo in the subtitle: A Crown of Herioc (Heroic) Sonnets
Also left justification makes it easier to read longer poems, but it's not necessary.
Congratulations, you have written a solid poem, here. I wish you great luck in the contest. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Gloria, I will never be able to thank you enough for your keen eyes and wonderful time spent asssiting me to polish this to near perfection.
Sadly. thank you will have to suffice for now! JLR
