The Beast
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Beast Ch.3"A killer with no motive - can it even be?
10 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I read this one before chapter 2 and found it very interesting. It goes into a little more detail about some of the investigators and gives more details on the procedures they are going to use. I would think there might be a bit more speculation about how a cop could be killed in a police station and memories of the dead woman at the beginning of this chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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I read this one before chapter 2 and found it very interesting. It goes into a little more detail about some of the investigators and gives more details on the procedures they are going to use. I would think there might be a bit more speculation about how a cop could be killed in a police station and memories of the dead woman at the beginning of this chapter.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Thank you - that's exactly the sort of feedback I need so I know where to flesh things out. I really appreciate it :-)
Mike
Comment from Cindy Warren
I think the profilers are going to have a hard time with this guy. We know he has a girlfriend who phones him to pick stuff up on his way home, so they're already wrong. And how do you profile something that isn't quite human?
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2022
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I think the profilers are going to have a hard time with this guy. We know he has a girlfriend who phones him to pick stuff up on his way home, so they're already wrong. And how do you profile something that isn't quite human?
Comment Written 08-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2022
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I'm looking forward to the profilers having to confront a subject that doesn't conform to the usual statistics and trends!
Mike
Comment from Judy Lawless
I enjoyed reading this chapter, Mike. Nothing gruesome, but plenty of information about how this team will go about solving the crime. Also a good introduction into the personalities of the members. Well done.
One little spag: "Rough edges outlines(outlined) the plasterwork," - in keeping with the past tense
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2022
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I enjoyed reading this chapter, Mike. Nothing gruesome, but plenty of information about how this team will go about solving the crime. Also a good introduction into the personalities of the members. Well done.
One little spag: "Rough edges outlines(outlined) the plasterwork," - in keeping with the past tense
Comment Written 08-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Judy :-). Those spaggies keep sneaking through! I did worry I'd included too many characters but we'll see.
Mike
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You're very welcome, Mike.
Comment from Faith Williams
Like the description in the first paragraph especially the 'ceiling showed the yellow scars of nicotine abuse.' Really gives me the picture of the place. Two small things in that paragraph:
1. 'like a house that got abandoned...' maybe 'house that was abandoned' flows better?
2. 'Rough edged outlines' should be 'outlined'
In another paragraph when you mention Latina gang member, it should be Latino--the whole female/male endings
The dialogue is great in this chapter. I am starting to get a feel for the characters, and I really like Chaplain. Now having said that, I'm not sure the sentence, 'Allow a girl to do both, will you?' is coming across as you might want it to. Reading it the first time made me cringe a little because it didn't seem like something she might say. Or it is something she might say, but I'm not reading it the way you want me to read it. Does that make sense?
Hope that was helpful. And I did enjoy this chapter.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2022
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Like the description in the first paragraph especially the 'ceiling showed the yellow scars of nicotine abuse.' Really gives me the picture of the place. Two small things in that paragraph:
1. 'like a house that got abandoned...' maybe 'house that was abandoned' flows better?
2. 'Rough edged outlines' should be 'outlined'
In another paragraph when you mention Latina gang member, it should be Latino--the whole female/male endings
The dialogue is great in this chapter. I am starting to get a feel for the characters, and I really like Chaplain. Now having said that, I'm not sure the sentence, 'Allow a girl to do both, will you?' is coming across as you might want it to. Reading it the first time made me cringe a little because it didn't seem like something she might say. Or it is something she might say, but I'm not reading it the way you want me to read it. Does that make sense?
Hope that was helpful. And I did enjoy this chapter.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, Faith. These are exactly the things that help. Especially the character pointer - I want Bentley and Chaplain to feel like proper characters so I need them to come across plausibly. Your review is being filed in the list of supporting information for the re-draft (once November is out of the way!).
Mike
Comment from Thesis
Mike, another good chapter. I like how you are portraying the scene and how Bentley is questioning what his profilers are going to do. His management of this case is key to solving the crime and he is feeling out his assembled resources. The flow of the story is good and progressing well.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2022
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Mike, another good chapter. I like how you are portraying the scene and how Bentley is questioning what his profilers are going to do. His management of this case is key to solving the crime and he is feeling out his assembled resources. The flow of the story is good and progressing well.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2022
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Thank you :-). I was worried I'd bitten off more characters than I can chew, but the focus is very much on Bentley and Chaplain so the others can play a more supporting role.
Mike
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
years, it'd > years it'd
terone?" said > terone?" queried
Several words spring to mind: Gruesome in the details, (but you bring us up and down nicely. It's a bit like riding a rollor coaster in a horror house). Tightly written (so much so a character list would help). Fantastic writing, (I was in the room with them predictably, but their descriptions propelled me into the action of the murder a couple of times). Kate xx
Just for consideration:
winced himself in sympathy. > he himself winced in sympathy.
MoJ, "they > MoJ. "They
Oh," he held up a hand. "And before we start, which of you is Rose, and which Preston, and why do we have two of you?" > Oh," he held up a hand. "And before we start, why do we have two of you? and which is Rose, and which Preston?"
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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years, it'd > years it'd
terone?" said > terone?" queried
Several words spring to mind: Gruesome in the details, (but you bring us up and down nicely. It's a bit like riding a rollor coaster in a horror house). Tightly written (so much so a character list would help). Fantastic writing, (I was in the room with them predictably, but their descriptions propelled me into the action of the murder a couple of times). Kate xx
Just for consideration:
winced himself in sympathy. > he himself winced in sympathy.
MoJ, "they > MoJ. "They
Oh," he held up a hand. "And before we start, which of you is Rose, and which Preston, and why do we have two of you?" > Oh," he held up a hand. "And before we start, why do we have two of you? and which is Rose, and which Preston?"
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Kate :-). All awkward-sounding sentences shall be finessed! I appreciate the time taken, and I hope you've been scribbling and adding successfully to your own project this evening.
Mike
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Welcome. Taking the time over yours is part of the support group, for me, as I at least know what you're struggling through. 4 chapters written, polished and posted in a week is superhuman. I may have more words, but they're all over the book for now... but that's okay. What's worse is that while yes I did add another 1750 words this evening (astonishingly) I've backed myself into the corner of having to do my own illustration when I post that on FS! Kate xx
Comment from royowen
I like the way you've gleaned some knowledge of investigative procedures in writing this chapter Mike. The conversation between the investigators seems to. be gleaned from an observant mind. Your venturing into the darker side of detective work is skilfully written, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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I like the way you've gleaned some knowledge of investigative procedures in writing this chapter Mike. The conversation between the investigators seems to. be gleaned from an observant mind. Your venturing into the darker side of detective work is skilfully written, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thanks, Roy :-). It's been fun, figuring out how these things could work and applying some of my (definitely nothing to do with police and murder) daily work life to proceedings. Hopefully, it's also enjoyable to read!
Mike
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Well done
Comment from Michaela Moore
Mike, please forgive my ignorance, but what is...NanoWrimo project for 2022?
And if you change things in a chapter, will you repost that chapter for us to read again?
I am really into this book. I love murder mysteries the most right now. Throughout my lifetime, my favorite genre to read has changed many times. I am on a murder mystery/detective kick right now, and I love what you are creating. I love this scene where we get insight into the case. And you are beginning to create other characters and bring them to life, which I love.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Mike, please forgive my ignorance, but what is...NanoWrimo project for 2022?
And if you change things in a chapter, will you repost that chapter for us to read again?
I am really into this book. I love murder mysteries the most right now. Throughout my lifetime, my favorite genre to read has changed many times. I am on a murder mystery/detective kick right now, and I love what you are creating. I love this scene where we get insight into the case. And you are beginning to create other characters and bring them to life, which I love.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month - it's a challenge to draft a novel in the space of November (or at least to write 50,000 words of one). I've completed it twice before (2011 and 2012) so, ten years later, I thought I'd give it another go!
Obviously, I'm hoping not to need to change anything major, but this is a living piece and the characters and plot may do things that mean I have to come back and provide some setup or foreshadowing. If it happens as I go, I'll mention it so those following don't get confused.
I'm really enjoying having a go at a police thriller - it's not something I've tried before but hopefully it will come out well.
Most importantly, I'm thrilled you're enjoying it :-)
Mike
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I've often wondered how profilers come to their point of view of the murderers, how they get to start defining one person against another. That was really interesting. Now they are going to see the poor victims remains, that it's someone they know, must be hard. This is coming along nicely, Mike, well done! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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I've often wondered how profilers come to their point of view of the murderers, how they get to start defining one person against another. That was really interesting. Now they are going to see the poor victims remains, that it's someone they know, must be hard. This is coming along nicely, Mike, well done! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Sandra :-). In all honesty, I don't know much about profiling, but years working in government offices have taught me that most things are about collating and interpreting information - even where they seem almost magic on first inspection. I thought this would be an interesting counter to what we usually see in films and telly. Next chapter coming very soon. And ... sorry, lol
Mike
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You are getting to the nuts and bolts of this case. Great story and great job of writing.
Chaplain dusted off a chair nearby and wheeled it over, wincing as she sat down. (you can omit 'down', it's understood)
hand. "And before we start, which of you is Rose, and which Preston, and why do we have two of you?"
They grinned, and the female behavioural psychologist spoke first, pushing a thin pair of glasses higher on her narrow nose. (a space is needed after 'you?' because of a new paragraph)
suspect is doing right now?"
Rose smiled. "Statistically? He's alone somewhere, either enjoying his trophies or (a space is needed after 'now?' because of a new paragraph)
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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You are getting to the nuts and bolts of this case. Great story and great job of writing.
Chaplain dusted off a chair nearby and wheeled it over, wincing as she sat down. (you can omit 'down', it's understood)
hand. "And before we start, which of you is Rose, and which Preston, and why do we have two of you?"
They grinned, and the female behavioural psychologist spoke first, pushing a thin pair of glasses higher on her narrow nose. (a space is needed after 'you?' because of a new paragraph)
suspect is doing right now?"
Rose smiled. "Statistically? He's alone somewhere, either enjoying his trophies or (a space is needed after 'now?' because of a new paragraph)
Comment Written 07-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Barbara :-). Those paragraph breaks get me every time because I have to paste into the editor as plain text to avoid Fanstory's weird spacing, and then add the paragraph breaks back in. Huge thanks for catching those, and I'm glad you're enjoying the read!
Mike
