The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "The Chronicles of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
11 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi amahra, this was a very well written part. You have wonderful descriptions of the dragon and I could just imagine how vile and dangerous it was. The fight was wonderfully written as well with much suspense. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Hi amahra, this was a very well written part. You have wonderful descriptions of the dragon and I could just imagine how vile and dangerous it was. The fight was wonderfully written as well with much suspense. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much, Ulla.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I found this to be a lively, imaginative episode on the whole. Just the bit about the dragon liking to toy with his prey, so allowing them to pray seemed slightly illogical. Perhaps needs a tiny polish at that point. Kate xx
Potential SPAGs for your consideration:
creature; it was > creature. It was
consequences for its removal > consequences of its removal
the beast in not knowing > the beast into not knowing OR the beast who did not know
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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I found this to be a lively, imaginative episode on the whole. Just the bit about the dragon liking to toy with his prey, so allowing them to pray seemed slightly illogical. Perhaps needs a tiny polish at that point. Kate xx
Potential SPAGs for your consideration:
creature; it was > creature. It was
consequences for its removal > consequences of its removal
the beast in not knowing > the beast into not knowing OR the beast who did not know
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Thank you for your review and caught sprags. I will be revisiting those areas. I appreciate your help.
Comment from Fleedleflump
This was an epic confrontation indeed, and a well-handled fight scene - better than most manage in these situations. I had a clear picture of what was happening and I like that it wasn't an easy battle! A few notes below - I hope they help.
Mike
Spag notes:
'caught sight of the flesh and armored-covered dragon' - should be 'armor-covered'
'a chunk of ceiling fell right in front of the exit blocking their way' - needs a comma after 'exit'
'If they could stay clear of its fire, they would make it out safely, Dinary thought.' - thoughts are usually represented in present tense, as if they're dialogue, so this would be: 'If we can stay clear of its fire, we'll make it out safely, Dinary thought.'
'being turned into stone for generations had taken a toll on the dragon's fiery weapon' - had should be has.
You could leave the thoughts in past tense, as you've written them, if you turned off the italics and presented them just as prose.
'Dinary said looking under his lashes.' - needs a comma after 'said'
'the thundering feet of the dragon grew so close, that the cavern floor shook' - can remove 'that' or the comma as you only need one of them (I would remove 'that' personally as it's a word you can usually delete without impacting anything)
'not willing to believe that was the end of someone he loved' - for example, this 'that' is completely unnecessary.
'a tail so long, that it had yet to round the corner' - and another.
Suggest you do a 'find' for the word 'that' and see how many you can delete without harming the sentences around them - removing them will speed up the prose and make for a smother read.
'the steel blade slid between one of its scales' - you can't go between one thing - this either needs to be between two scales, or 'slid behind one scale' or something similar.
'let out a roar that shook the cave causing huge pieces of rock' - needs a comma after 'cave'
'side in a rage and snatched the sword from its face with its clawed foot and hurled it against the cave wall' - lots of 'and's. I'd suggest: 'side in a rage and snatched the sword from its face with its clawed foot, hurling it against the cave wall'
'Dinary, dazed, scrambled to his feet and stood patiently calculating.' - I'm not sure, if dazed, he would be scrambling of calculating (and I definitely think 'patiently' is our of place). Also, needs a comma after 'stood' because you're moving from his physical action (standing) to what he does at the same time (calculating). I'd suggest something like: 'Dinary, dazed, stumbled to his feet, trying to order his thoughts and make a plan.'
'The huge eyes darted back and forth, in keeping with the rhythm of Dinary's body as if it were hypnotized. - the subjects of this sentence are the dragon's eyes, so the 'it' towards the end rings false (and implies the eyes specifically are hypnotised). I'd suggest: 'The huge eyes darted back and forth, in keeping with the rhythm of Dinary's body, as if the dragon was hypnotized.'
'Oh, I intend to," the dragon said lowering his head' - missing speech marks from start, and needs a comma after 'said'
'At least give me the courtesy of praying to my god.' - implies he wants the dragon to pray to Dinary's god. Suggest: 'At least let me pray to my god one last time.'
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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This was an epic confrontation indeed, and a well-handled fight scene - better than most manage in these situations. I had a clear picture of what was happening and I like that it wasn't an easy battle! A few notes below - I hope they help.
Mike
Spag notes:
'caught sight of the flesh and armored-covered dragon' - should be 'armor-covered'
'a chunk of ceiling fell right in front of the exit blocking their way' - needs a comma after 'exit'
'If they could stay clear of its fire, they would make it out safely, Dinary thought.' - thoughts are usually represented in present tense, as if they're dialogue, so this would be: 'If we can stay clear of its fire, we'll make it out safely, Dinary thought.'
'being turned into stone for generations had taken a toll on the dragon's fiery weapon' - had should be has.
You could leave the thoughts in past tense, as you've written them, if you turned off the italics and presented them just as prose.
'Dinary said looking under his lashes.' - needs a comma after 'said'
'the thundering feet of the dragon grew so close, that the cavern floor shook' - can remove 'that' or the comma as you only need one of them (I would remove 'that' personally as it's a word you can usually delete without impacting anything)
'not willing to believe that was the end of someone he loved' - for example, this 'that' is completely unnecessary.
'a tail so long, that it had yet to round the corner' - and another.
Suggest you do a 'find' for the word 'that' and see how many you can delete without harming the sentences around them - removing them will speed up the prose and make for a smother read.
'the steel blade slid between one of its scales' - you can't go between one thing - this either needs to be between two scales, or 'slid behind one scale' or something similar.
'let out a roar that shook the cave causing huge pieces of rock' - needs a comma after 'cave'
'side in a rage and snatched the sword from its face with its clawed foot and hurled it against the cave wall' - lots of 'and's. I'd suggest: 'side in a rage and snatched the sword from its face with its clawed foot, hurling it against the cave wall'
'Dinary, dazed, scrambled to his feet and stood patiently calculating.' - I'm not sure, if dazed, he would be scrambling of calculating (and I definitely think 'patiently' is our of place). Also, needs a comma after 'stood' because you're moving from his physical action (standing) to what he does at the same time (calculating). I'd suggest something like: 'Dinary, dazed, stumbled to his feet, trying to order his thoughts and make a plan.'
'The huge eyes darted back and forth, in keeping with the rhythm of Dinary's body as if it were hypnotized. - the subjects of this sentence are the dragon's eyes, so the 'it' towards the end rings false (and implies the eyes specifically are hypnotised). I'd suggest: 'The huge eyes darted back and forth, in keeping with the rhythm of Dinary's body, as if the dragon was hypnotized.'
'Oh, I intend to," the dragon said lowering his head' - missing speech marks from start, and needs a comma after 'said'
'At least give me the courtesy of praying to my god.' - implies he wants the dragon to pray to Dinary's god. Suggest: 'At least let me pray to my god one last time.'
Comment Written 16-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2022
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Commas are not my strong point as you can see. And you've made great suggestions which I will revisit here and on the manuscript. Thank you so much for your time, stars and comments. They are greatly appreciated, my friend. Blessings.
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Happy to help - I'm really enjoying the story. I just hope I'm not annoying, lol
Mike
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Happy to help - I'm really enjoying the story. I just hope I'm not annoying, lol
Mike
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Not at all. :))
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always a pleasure to join in and catch up on what's happening in your fantasy world. Me, the person who said they'd never read fantasy. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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It's always a pleasure to join in and catch up on what's happening in your fantasy world. Me, the person who said they'd never read fantasy. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Thank you so much, Ric. And thanks for the extra stars. When are you posting again? I'm anxious to see what's next. Don't leave me hanging, buddy.
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I hope to post and close out my Tucker story this week. Finally, onto something new. LOL.
Comment from Jay Squires
What a dynamic chapter you've written here, Amahra. You are a master of timing in the battle between two forces, and just as Dinary seemed unable to function further, the dragon revealed its weakness and Dinary seized upon it. Beautifully written.
"Yet, just why the Magi had failed to disclose the immediate consequences for its removal Dinary could not fathom." [I wouldn't be able to fathom why the magi WOULD tell them what would happen. Why would they have attempted it, then? Or ... was Dinary being sardonic?]
"But, instead, a huge cloud of black smoke emerged from its mouth, with tiny sparks like fireflies scattering about. Dinary raised his head. The dragon appeared shocked--if human, one could even say, embarrassed."[This is too good!]
Great job, Amahra!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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What a dynamic chapter you've written here, Amahra. You are a master of timing in the battle between two forces, and just as Dinary seemed unable to function further, the dragon revealed its weakness and Dinary seized upon it. Beautifully written.
"Yet, just why the Magi had failed to disclose the immediate consequences for its removal Dinary could not fathom." [I wouldn't be able to fathom why the magi WOULD tell them what would happen. Why would they have attempted it, then? Or ... was Dinary being sardonic?]
"But, instead, a huge cloud of black smoke emerged from its mouth, with tiny sparks like fireflies scattering about. Dinary raised his head. The dragon appeared shocked--if human, one could even say, embarrassed."[This is too good!]
Great job, Amahra!
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2022
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Thank you, Jay; as always your comments humble me as well as make my day. I'm pleased you enjoyed the chapter and pointed out what you liked about the writing.
Ah, sardonic...not at all. The magi have a lot to explain. Remember, Prince Norr and his father the king knew Dinary and soldiers could handle the quest because of their being the only ones to ever survive crossing the demonic Endless Ocean. I think he should punch each magus in the nose. LOL
Comment from forestport12
I really like the word choices you string together. You have a writer's instinct when it comes to those power verbs like dazed, etc. Your dialogue is consistently genuine and puts the reader in the present. I do love your writing style, and others may not sense it, but I know how hard you have worked to put the details in this. I'm still not a fan of this genre. But I'm a fan of you and your ability. Blessings...
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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I really like the word choices you string together. You have a writer's instinct when it comes to those power verbs like dazed, etc. Your dialogue is consistently genuine and puts the reader in the present. I do love your writing style, and others may not sense it, but I know how hard you have worked to put the details in this. I'm still not a fan of this genre. But I'm a fan of you and your ability. Blessings...
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Wow, thank you so much for these awesome comments. I'm so pleased you picked out the things you liked about my writing. I really appreciate it. And you're exactly right; I agonize over my writing. Thank you for saying it shows.
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Amen.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Loved this action paced chapter. It left me wanting to continue reading, and of course I didn't have another word available. You did a great job. Enjoy your evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Loved this action paced chapter. It left me wanting to continue reading, and of course I didn't have another word available. You did a great job. Enjoy your evening. Shirley
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Thank you so much, Shirley, for your comments and for the stars. I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from royowen
What an epic Amahra, a superbly written episode that rung so true. The battle scene between this very brave character and the finally defeated dragon, who, in a sense was just as vulnerable as a human. with that same arrogant pride, which has always been the weakness of we humans, beautifully written Amahra, well done, greaf read, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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What an epic Amahra, a superbly written episode that rung so true. The battle scene between this very brave character and the finally defeated dragon, who, in a sense was just as vulnerable as a human. with that same arrogant pride, which has always been the weakness of we humans, beautifully written Amahra, well done, greaf read, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Oh, thank you, Roy. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Your comments have made my day.
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Most welcome Amahra.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Do not read much of this genre. However, this posting was engaging. Some notes:
-Sure Dinary will read the Riot Act to the Magi over not informing him of the danger of bringing the dragon to life would present.
-Upon the dragon freeing itself they better "move" as fast as they can if they want to survive.
-"Its tail as long as a serpent" does not really describe its length. Perhaps insert a descriptive word or so in front of serpent.
-In rising action, their retreat is blocked by part of the falling ceiling.
-No doubt the fire-breathing dragon would be embarrassed if all he could do was expel a "huge cloud of black smoke."
-Dinary goes from bravery to scared when the dragon's eyes grow into "vertical slits". Shows different dimensions of his character.
-If no dragon would spare its meal a moment of prayer why would this one?
-So, Dinary's necklace had the power to enlarge his sword?
-Plenty of action in the fight scene between Dinary and the dragon.
-Dialogue seemed realistic for this chapter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Do not read much of this genre. However, this posting was engaging. Some notes:
-Sure Dinary will read the Riot Act to the Magi over not informing him of the danger of bringing the dragon to life would present.
-Upon the dragon freeing itself they better "move" as fast as they can if they want to survive.
-"Its tail as long as a serpent" does not really describe its length. Perhaps insert a descriptive word or so in front of serpent.
-In rising action, their retreat is blocked by part of the falling ceiling.
-No doubt the fire-breathing dragon would be embarrassed if all he could do was expel a "huge cloud of black smoke."
-Dinary goes from bravery to scared when the dragon's eyes grow into "vertical slits". Shows different dimensions of his character.
-If no dragon would spare its meal a moment of prayer why would this one?
-So, Dinary's necklace had the power to enlarge his sword?
-Plenty of action in the fight scene between Dinary and the dragon.
-Dialogue seemed realistic for this chapter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Thank you so much, Brett for your comments on certain parts of my writing. I think the dragon tail does need revisiting.
Comment from Judy Lawless
As always, your imagery in this chapter is superb, amahara. The story is so intense, the action quick and frightening. I'm thankful Dinery is at least alive, and the beast is dead. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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As always, your imagery in this chapter is superb, amahara. The story is so intense, the action quick and frightening. I'm thankful Dinery is at least alive, and the beast is dead. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
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Thank you so much, Judy for your comments and stars.
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You?re most welcome, Amahra.
