Gun For Hire
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Fort Concho by day's end."First the war...the marshal
3 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
7/15/2022-------10.27 pm
Doesn't pay to get tied up and suffer as robbers and killers in the error of their ways. Hope they to where they are going without any more trouble.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2022
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7/15/2022-------10.27 pm
Doesn't pay to get tied up and suffer as robbers and killers in the error of their ways. Hope they to where they are going without any more trouble.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to review this chapter. I do appreciate your comments.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I like your use of cowpoke language throughout the story. It is well executed and the dialogue moved the story along in a nice manner. I enjoyed reading your story and look forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2022
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I like your use of cowpoke language throughout the story. It is well executed and the dialogue moved the story along in a nice manner. I enjoyed reading your story and look forward to the next one.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2022
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to review Chapter 17.
Comment from Jay Squires
You have a real story-telling gift. Your skills are shown in the small details that don't intrude, but add color and texture to the story.
I did run across a few things as I read along. You may want to study them, or not, as you choose:
As the day wore on, the sun baked the land and parched my thirst. [Catherin, I may be picking nits here, but I don't think I am. In your sentence's context, "parched my thirst" doesn't work -- not to my ears. Just as land dries out, so can a throat be parched. But thirst is a need for water, a strong desire for water. I hope you can see what I'm getting at, because I can't really take it further. But I hope you can explore other options.]
Without turning my head, I say, "Shut up." When their whining becomes a whisper, I smile to myself. [Either choose the past tense, as you started out with, or the present tense ... but don't wander back and forth in the neighboring territory.]
"We should be there bout noon [This should begin a new paragraph, as well as one other place in the existing paragraph.]
The young'un just stares as his legs give way and he dropped to the ground. [In way of illustration, here is another place where you slipped tenses again. I won't point any more out, in the interest of time.]
Flames danced from the fire, putting a sheen across the weary kids' faces. [A stunningly effective image here!]
Hee! Hee! Shor can't get excited about their situation. [Is this the narrator thinking? If so (and I don't see how it can be dialogue), you might want to italicize it.]
"You got enough to feed owl hoots without short' the family? [Is this supposed to be "hoot owls"??]
Everyone is in a good mood, which soon turns to caution as we see a dust cloud moving in their direction. [Present or past tense aside, the story is being told from Jeb's point of view. So, here it should be "cloud moving in OUR direction.]
Jeb looks back and sees Clettus pulling up with the wagon. [I like this added note. It adds dimension by bringing in small details in the passing of time.]
All-in-all, one heckova good chapter. I will certainly read more of your offerings when I see them post.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2022
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You have a real story-telling gift. Your skills are shown in the small details that don't intrude, but add color and texture to the story.
I did run across a few things as I read along. You may want to study them, or not, as you choose:
As the day wore on, the sun baked the land and parched my thirst. [Catherin, I may be picking nits here, but I don't think I am. In your sentence's context, "parched my thirst" doesn't work -- not to my ears. Just as land dries out, so can a throat be parched. But thirst is a need for water, a strong desire for water. I hope you can see what I'm getting at, because I can't really take it further. But I hope you can explore other options.]
Without turning my head, I say, "Shut up." When their whining becomes a whisper, I smile to myself. [Either choose the past tense, as you started out with, or the present tense ... but don't wander back and forth in the neighboring territory.]
"We should be there bout noon [This should begin a new paragraph, as well as one other place in the existing paragraph.]
The young'un just stares as his legs give way and he dropped to the ground. [In way of illustration, here is another place where you slipped tenses again. I won't point any more out, in the interest of time.]
Flames danced from the fire, putting a sheen across the weary kids' faces. [A stunningly effective image here!]
Hee! Hee! Shor can't get excited about their situation. [Is this the narrator thinking? If so (and I don't see how it can be dialogue), you might want to italicize it.]
"You got enough to feed owl hoots without short' the family? [Is this supposed to be "hoot owls"??]
Everyone is in a good mood, which soon turns to caution as we see a dust cloud moving in their direction. [Present or past tense aside, the story is being told from Jeb's point of view. So, here it should be "cloud moving in OUR direction.]
Jeb looks back and sees Clettus pulling up with the wagon. [I like this added note. It adds dimension by bringing in small details in the passing of time.]
All-in-all, one heckova good chapter. I will certainly read more of your offerings when I see them post.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Jay. I always enjoy your comments; and give them serious consideration. I'm here to learn.
