Blood Moon
One Sergeant tries to hold it together9 total reviews
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
I like your phrasing; "If this was a wedding, my bride was death." Very suggestive. In fact, the whole article was filled with very intense, visual language. Very well written. Extremely minor suggestions:
Para 4, 1st sentence: add comma (,) after (arm)
Para 5, 2nd sentence: (high pitched) should be (high-pitched) hyphenate
Para 10: (ballsack) should be (ball sack)
Really good story. So visual I was there. Language a little strong but I think the atmosphere needed it.
Excellent job. Absolutely worthy of six-stars but I only have five. You get 'em tho. I enjoyed the read very much.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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I like your phrasing; "If this was a wedding, my bride was death." Very suggestive. In fact, the whole article was filled with very intense, visual language. Very well written. Extremely minor suggestions:
Para 4, 1st sentence: add comma (,) after (arm)
Para 5, 2nd sentence: (high pitched) should be (high-pitched) hyphenate
Para 10: (ballsack) should be (ball sack)
Really good story. So visual I was there. Language a little strong but I think the atmosphere needed it.
Excellent job. Absolutely worthy of six-stars but I only have five. You get 'em tho. I enjoyed the read very much.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, Gary. I saw the prompt and knew I had to write a scene for it. Appreciate the spag catches, and I'm really happy you enjoyed the read :-)
Comment from tempeste
Ciao poet, you now have 8 votes.
Your narrative is very detailed and realistic....with the sweat, blood, and dirt, and of course, the swearing which seems the norm, at least in those few war films I have seen.
I fear that soon Europe will be at war if America and Russia don't stop this tug of war...this madness..... in Ukraine.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Ciao poet, you now have 8 votes.
Your narrative is very detailed and realistic....with the sweat, blood, and dirt, and of course, the swearing which seems the norm, at least in those few war films I have seen.
I fear that soon Europe will be at war if America and Russia don't stop this tug of war...this madness..... in Ukraine.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much :-). I try to only use swearing where it makes sense, and I'm pretty sure I'd be swearing in those circumstances! I'm thrilled you enjoyed it!
Comment from Gunner Lil
Great job. A good read with super pace and flow. Very good dialog. Sensory description was also great. The one you don't hear is one that gets you.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Great job. A good read with super pace and flow. Very good dialog. Sensory description was also great. The one you don't hear is one that gets you.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thank you :-). I like to write action sequences that remind me why I don't want to ever be in a situation like that!
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Blood Moon, is a corker, with powerful language and danger close action. The suspense grabs the reader as we hope for the best for Sarge.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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This story, Blood Moon, is a corker, with powerful language and danger close action. The suspense grabs the reader as we hope for the best for Sarge.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, Bill :-). Poor Sarge is definitely in the thick of it! I hope he survives...
Comment from Wayne Fowler
To answer Grisham's question, "No, that place wasn't worth it."
F'ing politicians who want us to fight someone else's battles.
Effective writing, good dialogue.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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To answer Grisham's question, "No, that place wasn't worth it."
F'ing politicians who want us to fight someone else's battles.
Effective writing, good dialogue.
Good luck.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thanks, Wayne :-). Totally agree!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is good, very good. I don't know enough about modern warfare to be sure this is realistic, but it certainly seemed so to me. Well-written and gets the reader involved. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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This is good, very good. I don't know enough about modern warfare to be sure this is realistic, but it certainly seemed so to me. Well-written and gets the reader involved. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Carol. I'm really glad you liked it.
Comment from R. Marc Goodson
This is a great war action piece. It's well written and the dialogue moves the story along quickly. I particularly like those parts of descriptive writing where you 'show' the reader and do not 'tell' her/him. I found one line where I would make a suggestion: ""Sarge." Grisham tugged at me again. "Drone's circling back. Next strike with get us dead on - we got no cover from this angle." I think you meant 'will' rather than 'with.'
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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This is a great war action piece. It's well written and the dialogue moves the story along quickly. I particularly like those parts of descriptive writing where you 'show' the reader and do not 'tell' her/him. I found one line where I would make a suggestion: ""Sarge." Grisham tugged at me again. "Drone's circling back. Next strike with get us dead on - we got no cover from this angle." I think you meant 'will' rather than 'with.'
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much - I'm really glad you liked it.
Comment from royowen
I guess this is a classical battle scene that most soldiers experience in their days on the field of battle, I was watching the news last night, and someone had invented a gel out of snake's Verom that could staunch the flow of blood, apparent more soldiers die of blood loss than their injuries, this is a great entry in this contest, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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I guess this is a classical battle scene that most soldiers experience in their days on the field of battle, I was watching the news last night, and someone had invented a gel out of snake's Verom that could staunch the flow of blood, apparent more soldiers die of blood loss than their injuries, this is a great entry in this contest, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Roy! Really happy you liked it.
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Well done
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A fast paced piece. The pacing is good. The language fits the situation. The images are sharp and concise. The dialogue is believable. The narrative stays on point.
Suggestions:
You wrote:
"Next strike with get us dead on - we got no cover from this angle."
I think the "with" was meant to be will.
You wrote:
"A glanced the way Grisham was looking."
Looks like a typo. Should have been "I glanced..."
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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A fast paced piece. The pacing is good. The language fits the situation. The images are sharp and concise. The dialogue is believable. The narrative stays on point.
Suggestions:
You wrote:
"Next strike with get us dead on - we got no cover from this angle."
I think the "with" was meant to be will.
You wrote:
"A glanced the way Grisham was looking."
Looks like a typo. Should have been "I glanced..."
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much for the catches - I wrote this way too late last night when I should have been asleep, so I'm thankful for the nit catches.
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You are welcome.
