Reviews from

A Game of Strategy and Brutes

An strategic games with an unexpected twist

6 total reviews 
Comment from amahra
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Welcome to FanStory. I liked your first story.

The chuckle died in the cardinal's throat. His secretary's eyes expanded, and the round orbs held too much sincere agreement. "Show me what has you so upset." [love the word choices, here]

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2022


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
    I'm really glad you liked it! Thank you!
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like the line: "the cardinal feared his head might come loose." it gives me a visual of how excited the secretary was.

Also, the line: "skin of their shaved heads shone bright red in anger." Gives me and interesting visual.

Need paragraph spacing throughout. Very difficult to read.
2nd Para, 1st sentence: "dishevelled" should be "disheveled"
2nd Para, 2nd sentence: remove comma between "directions: and "and"
12th Para, 1st sentence: "chiselled" should be "chiseled"
13th Para, "heaven ¢?" thank" should be "heaven. Thank " I think
19th Para, 1st sentence: "dare!" yelled" yelled should be capitalized
20th Para, 1st sentence: "standard," yelled" should be "standard. Yelled"
22nd Para, 1st sentence: "they possible" should be "they possibly"
21st Para, 1st sentence: "could not unhear" should be "could unhear"
3rd sentence from the bottom: add a comma between "in" and "and"
"¢?"" This strange designation appears throughout. I think you need to correct it. Must be from processor translation.

Unfortunately, though this is an interesting and fun read, the difficulty of having no clear cut paragraphs and the additional errors forces me to rate lower than I would have liked to.

Keep working at it. Use FanStory's checker.






 Comment Written 23-May-2022


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
    Thank you for taking the time to review my story. It's quite funny, a few of the things you pointed out are the difference between UK and US English - others are the consequence of writing something at 1 AM. :) I really appreciate that you took the time to go through it so thoroughly.
reply by GARY MACLEAN on 08-Jun-2022
    I always run into that UK vs US thing. I'm trying to bring myself up to speed, so I don't sound so brutal. It's a never-ending battle.
Comment from Fleedleflump
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I loved some of your descriptions and there's a solid sense of tongue in cheek fun running through this.

I did have trouble with a sense of place at times but this wasn't a major issue.

There are some formatting issues - just down to being new to Fanstory, I suspect.

Anywhere you had an em-dash before you pasted will now have a bit of gobbledegook instead so you'll need to go through and weed those out. Also, I'd suggest an additional return between each paragraph to avoid it look like a solid block of text. Any careful formatting you have in your word processor tends to disappear once you've pasted it!

Thanks for the entertaining read :-)

Mike

 Comment Written 23-May-2022


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
    Thank you so much for taking the time to go through my story. Yeah, it was the first time I submitted here, so I made the mistake of not double-checking the formatting. Which, in hindsight, is rather idiotic.
Comment from GTG345
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Congrats on your first post, that is really out of the box of using the game chess. Nice description from as big as the main character "Pope Francis" to a single nun against the rules. Good luck with the Contest

 Comment Written 22-May-2022


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
    Thank you very much for your nice review!
Comment from lancellot
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Congrats on your first posting. It was an interesting tale. Like the real people for pieces.

This does need further editing. You need paragraph spacing and then some housekeeping (see notes). Good luck in the contest.


He shook his head and instead fired a rapid prayer off to heaven {¢?"} thank God

- remove

The cardinal shot a quick glance to both Holinesses {¢?"} neither appeared inclined to end the scuffle,

- remove

"I think, this might have gotten out of {hand", said} the cardinal.

- hand," said

"The next time we draw {¢?"} I will not say you cheat."
Pope Francis smiled. "And I will not suggest this{ ¢?""} he gestured at the men and women still busy inspecting everything but their superiors {"¢?"} human game."

- remove

"I think," he said and squeezed[.] "I would like a small drink. Would you join me?"

- add

 Comment Written 22-May-2022


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
    Thank you so much for the review. I think I've made the mistake of not assuming that the browser might throw my editing off - I will make sure that I'll carefully go over this with my next story.
    Thank you again!
Comment from Paul McFarland
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Congratulations on your first post. A nice idea of presenting this battle as a game of chess. I may be wrong about this, but i would suggest that you set this piece aside for a few weeks and when you dig it out again, read it over and see if everything is clear.

 Comment Written 22-May-2022


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
    Thank you very much! I will definitely do that.