Breakfast at Waffle House
A flash fiction contest entry.23 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
C2,
It sounds like he found a place where he can comfortable being himself. But, sadly, this story is appropriate for this time. Mass shootings are a horrible thing that happen too often these days and most could have been stopped if the shooter got more posititve attention from those around him.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay heatlhy
Joan
reply by the author on 28-May-2022
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C2,
It sounds like he found a place where he can comfortable being himself. But, sadly, this story is appropriate for this time. Mass shootings are a horrible thing that happen too often these days and most could have been stopped if the shooter got more posititve attention from those around him.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay heatlhy
Joan
Comment Written 27-May-2022
reply by the author on 28-May-2022
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Thank you for taking time to read it!
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No problem, C2.
Joan
Comment from LisaMay
Your story left me somewhat conflicted. I live in New Zealand, a far cry from being amidst the gun-obsessed culture of America. I was left chilled with worry that he was waiting for the Waffle House to get more crowded so he could shoot more people. My other imagined scenario is that he wanted the crowd so he could blend in better and not be as conspicuous; maybe he is hiding from a crazy ex. But there are indications he has an odd mind and has had some pressures, so the first one is probably what will happen.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Your story left me somewhat conflicted. I live in New Zealand, a far cry from being amidst the gun-obsessed culture of America. I was left chilled with worry that he was waiting for the Waffle House to get more crowded so he could shoot more people. My other imagined scenario is that he wanted the crowd so he could blend in better and not be as conspicuous; maybe he is hiding from a crazy ex. But there are indications he has an odd mind and has had some pressures, so the first one is probably what will happen.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I?m routing for him to be a good guy but I haven?t had time to sit down and expand the story yet. As you know, once your at the desk the story will go wherever it wants to. Fingers crossed! I?m glad it engaged you. I?ll take that as a good sign.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I do not like where I was going when I read the cold steel beneath his shirt? Too much is reported about the daily slaying of people wherever they live. Blood runs rampant.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I do not like where I was going when I read the cold steel beneath his shirt? Too much is reported about the daily slaying of people wherever they live. Blood runs rampant.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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For therecord, I wrote this piece before I heard about the recent shootings in Buffalo and Santa Anna. Sadly, sometimes life immitates art.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello C2 a good day to you. I hope this review finds you well. As a poet/writer it is always interesting to see the different takes on these contest/writing prompts. I think your take is definitely an interesting one. Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Hello C2 a good day to you. I hope this review finds you well. As a poet/writer it is always interesting to see the different takes on these contest/writing prompts. I think your take is definitely an interesting one. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Paul McFarland
That scenario has been played out too many times lately. That virus is spreading across the country. I wish we could come up with a vaccine for it.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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That scenario has been played out too many times lately. That virus is spreading across the country. I wish we could come up with a vaccine for it.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Tell me about it. Sad part is I wrote this before the recent shooting in Buffalo and Santa Anna.
Comment from Fleedleflump
Love the turn at the end, from a comforting ode to comfort food to a crime thriller in the making.
One tiny note:
'Looking from booth to booth he sees hardhats' - I think a comma would help after the second 'booth'
Mike
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Love the turn at the end, from a comforting ode to comfort food to a crime thriller in the making.
One tiny note:
'Looking from booth to booth he sees hardhats' - I think a comma would help after the second 'booth'
Mike
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I went back and forth on that myself!
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
Great flash!!
Your were able to successfully tell a complete story and build suspense using a small amount of words, not easily done!! This is creative and well written, maybe a great start for a longer story.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Great flash!!
Your were able to successfully tell a complete story and build suspense using a small amount of words, not easily done!! This is creative and well written, maybe a great start for a longer story.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thanks K.L. I?m thinking about where the story goes from here!
Comment from lindafisher
Wow this is dark. I love the way it starts with the delicious breakfast. Waffles and syrup, the wonderful smells and the different people in the diner. It then sinks into into true horror.
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Wow this is dark. I love the way it starts with the delicious breakfast. Waffles and syrup, the wonderful smells and the different people in the diner. It then sinks into into true horror.
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Thank you. It actually started out as a humor story but afterbut after some initial feedback it took a dark turn!
Comment from Jay Squires
Ohhhhh, this has just the right amount of surprise at the proper moment to possibly walk away with the prize. It's kind of sad in a way, that the situation you set up is a believable possibility. Not too many years ago such a plot might be considered fanciful. No one does that. That is precisely why the contrast between the comfort of the waffle house, and the possiblity of mass murder is so effective here.
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Ohhhhh, this has just the right amount of surprise at the proper moment to possibly walk away with the prize. It's kind of sad in a way, that the situation you set up is a believable possibility. Not too many years ago such a plot might be considered fanciful. No one does that. That is precisely why the contrast between the comfort of the waffle house, and the possiblity of mass murder is so effective here.
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Thanks Jay. Considering the source I consider that high praise.
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Don't know about no source, but the praise was worthy.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Well, this turned out to be a dark story. The beginning is captivating as the reader easily visualizes the restaurant, since most of us have visited a Waffle House. We patiently await the answer to the question, "Why." By the end of the story, the question becomes, "Why must the protagonist wait for the restaurant to become more crowded? What about the gun? It's true that some flash fiction leaves the reader wondering. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Well, this turned out to be a dark story. The beginning is captivating as the reader easily visualizes the restaurant, since most of us have visited a Waffle House. We patiently await the answer to the question, "Why." By the end of the story, the question becomes, "Why must the protagonist wait for the restaurant to become more crowded? What about the gun? It's true that some flash fiction leaves the reader wondering. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Thanks for the review!
