They Carry Their Own Fire
Two Women sit at a deserted bar.3 total reviews
Comment from Thatguypk
I'm finding it somewhat depressing that many of the entries I've read for this competition are rooted in abuse by men. I suppose it's the sad way of the world. This is well written and it effectively draws the reader into the story, wanting to know what is going to happen next. Maybe you should consider more chapters? Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
PK
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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I'm finding it somewhat depressing that many of the entries I've read for this competition are rooted in abuse by men. I suppose it's the sad way of the world. This is well written and it effectively draws the reader into the story, wanting to know what is going to happen next. Maybe you should consider more chapters? Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
PK
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your kind review. Maybe it's cathartic. We know so many women who have been in that situation. I will give some thought to adding chapters. Thanks for the encouragement.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It's a common sad old tale indeed. Good emotionality in the write.
And he never asked questions. He just served them up. - I would delete up from the end here otherwise it reads as if he served up the questions.
snatched it up quickly, too quickly, as it made contact with the bruises on the side of her face. She winced and jerked her head back quickly.- three quickly in succession here.
She touched her hand to her the painful spot - this needs edited.
"Matt?' She pointed at her empty glass- change the closing speech marks so they match the same form as the opening ones.
"Shi..., she'd heard". Prima threw back her drink in a single swallow. - you don't need the comma after the ellipses, also the period should come inside of the closing speech marks.
"Pat, she said extending her hand for a shake. Pitty-Pat really, professionally. Some joke, huh? Pity Pat! I used to dance under that name before I hit the streets. My government name is Bryn." - the speech tag and action should be outside of the speech marks. They need to be closed off and re-opened on each side.
"Ironic since my husband says I have the grace of a water buffalo in labor. "I'm sorry about.."- extra speech marks in here not needed.
It would also be a good idea to not run one person's dialogue into another's actions as this can get messy and confusing.
"I know, really unsanitary but a great disinfectant. ' Burns like hell though" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"Girl, please. I've been hit in my head so many times I've lost count." How 'bout you? And don't tell me you walked into a door!"- extra speech marks. There may be more of these.
There are numerous places where there is end punctuation missing from dialogue.
"You don't understand Prima said defensively. There are circumstances..." Prima's voice trailed off. - speech tag need to be outside of the dialogue/speech marks.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Hi there,
It's a common sad old tale indeed. Good emotionality in the write.
And he never asked questions. He just served them up. - I would delete up from the end here otherwise it reads as if he served up the questions.
snatched it up quickly, too quickly, as it made contact with the bruises on the side of her face. She winced and jerked her head back quickly.- three quickly in succession here.
She touched her hand to her the painful spot - this needs edited.
"Matt?' She pointed at her empty glass- change the closing speech marks so they match the same form as the opening ones.
"Shi..., she'd heard". Prima threw back her drink in a single swallow. - you don't need the comma after the ellipses, also the period should come inside of the closing speech marks.
"Pat, she said extending her hand for a shake. Pitty-Pat really, professionally. Some joke, huh? Pity Pat! I used to dance under that name before I hit the streets. My government name is Bryn." - the speech tag and action should be outside of the speech marks. They need to be closed off and re-opened on each side.
"Ironic since my husband says I have the grace of a water buffalo in labor. "I'm sorry about.."- extra speech marks in here not needed.
It would also be a good idea to not run one person's dialogue into another's actions as this can get messy and confusing.
"I know, really unsanitary but a great disinfectant. ' Burns like hell though" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"Girl, please. I've been hit in my head so many times I've lost count." How 'bout you? And don't tell me you walked into a door!"- extra speech marks. There may be more of these.
There are numerous places where there is end punctuation missing from dialogue.
"You don't understand Prima said defensively. There are circumstances..." Prima's voice trailed off. - speech tag need to be outside of the dialogue/speech marks.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thank you very much for your review and helpful suggestions. I will edit.
Comment from LisaMay
I felt your story was well crafted and showed these lives very clearly. I became involved in caring about the characters and wondering how their situations were going to be resolved. They will be good for each to stay strong, Valkyries together, facing the future with assurance instead of being victims.
Some punctuation is missing in the following sentence:
"Pat, she said extending her hand for a shake. Pitty-Pat really, professionally. etc
It should read:
"Pat", she said, extending her hand for a shake. "Pitty-Pat really, professionally. etc
(add speech marks after Pat; add a comma after said; add speech marks in front of Pitty.)
There are several situations where the speech quote marks are missing, and where other single quote marks are unnecessary. I suggest you look through carefully and fix them... It sounds trivial, but they are distracting and take away from what is essentially a very engaging story.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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I felt your story was well crafted and showed these lives very clearly. I became involved in caring about the characters and wondering how their situations were going to be resolved. They will be good for each to stay strong, Valkyries together, facing the future with assurance instead of being victims.
Some punctuation is missing in the following sentence:
"Pat, she said extending her hand for a shake. Pitty-Pat really, professionally. etc
It should read:
"Pat", she said, extending her hand for a shake. "Pitty-Pat really, professionally. etc
(add speech marks after Pat; add a comma after said; add speech marks in front of Pitty.)
There are several situations where the speech quote marks are missing, and where other single quote marks are unnecessary. I suggest you look through carefully and fix them... It sounds trivial, but they are distracting and take away from what is essentially a very engaging story.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your kind review and helpful comments. I was rushing to make the deadline and didn't proof carefully enough. I will edit.
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It's cruel, but the deadline has now been extended for 3 days - plenty of time to edit!
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Thanks. I appreciate the heads up.