The Writings of a Mouse
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Him"Pieces of my Heart
23 total reviews
Comment from Wendy G
Such a well written story, and I can't help feeling glad they got away with it! It meets the criteria of honourable revenge very well. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
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Such a well written story, and I can't help feeling glad they got away with it! It meets the criteria of honourable revenge very well. Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much for your kind review and well wishes Wendy!
Comment from Barry Penfold
Very disturbing but compelling story. I concur with your thoughts on the honorable side of things. A brave girl for sure. Unfortunately these horrible incidents are not infrequent. Well done .Good luck in the contest.
Regards
Barry Penfold
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
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Very disturbing but compelling story. I concur with your thoughts on the honorable side of things. A brave girl for sure. Unfortunately these horrible incidents are not infrequent. Well done .Good luck in the contest.
Regards
Barry Penfold
Comment Written 19-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
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Thank you for the great review and the well wishes!
Comment from Judy Lawless
You've written a good story about a sensitive subject, describing the feelings of the narrator well. Obviously it is a topic that deeply effects you.
I offer some suggestions to help improve the writing:
"The horses (horse's) name was Norman" - possessive form rather than plural.
The section under Payback is all one very long paragraph, some of which is thoughts of the girl. These should be written in italics to distinguish them, and the whole thing should be broken up a bit into separate paragraphs, for instance here: "...jolly night at home. (new paragraph) Suddenly he took a lunge at me!"
Note you have written everything in past tense to this point, but starting here and until you reach the Aftermath, you've switched to present tense. Then you've switched back again. You need to pick one and stick with it.
"I easily slip his grasp and he doesn't see the knife..."
I hope you find this helpful.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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You've written a good story about a sensitive subject, describing the feelings of the narrator well. Obviously it is a topic that deeply effects you.
I offer some suggestions to help improve the writing:
"The horses (horse's) name was Norman" - possessive form rather than plural.
The section under Payback is all one very long paragraph, some of which is thoughts of the girl. These should be written in italics to distinguish them, and the whole thing should be broken up a bit into separate paragraphs, for instance here: "...jolly night at home. (new paragraph) Suddenly he took a lunge at me!"
Note you have written everything in past tense to this point, but starting here and until you reach the Aftermath, you've switched to present tense. Then you've switched back again. You need to pick one and stick with it.
"I easily slip his grasp and he doesn't see the knife..."
I hope you find this helpful.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your review and your suggestions.
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You're welcome.
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Yes. Very helpful indeed. Thank you so much! Thank you for the encouragement also!
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You?re most welcome.
Comment from Patty Palmer
This is a sad story about a little girl being molested and physically abused by her uncle. He was also beating his wife. The little girl did the only thing she thought she could do to stop the abuse. She probably could have gone to the authorities but she may not have realized that. It seems like the story takes place during a time when you didn't talk about those kinds of things. Maybe nobody would have believed her. Whatever she did to protect herself and her aunt she had to save the two of them from him. Good luck with the contest.
Patty
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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This is a sad story about a little girl being molested and physically abused by her uncle. He was also beating his wife. The little girl did the only thing she thought she could do to stop the abuse. She probably could have gone to the authorities but she may not have realized that. It seems like the story takes place during a time when you didn't talk about those kinds of things. Maybe nobody would have believed her. Whatever she did to protect herself and her aunt she had to save the two of them from him. Good luck with the contest.
Patty
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Thank you Patty. Thank you for your kind review and insight into my story you are exactly right.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
This story is so sad; we need to learn from your story about rp or being molested. I wondered why didn't the girl go for help or go to the police when this first started? It is easy for us to say, but she was worried about her reputation, too. I am glad it's a fictional story.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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This story is so sad; we need to learn from your story about rp or being molested. I wondered why didn't the girl go for help or go to the police when this first started? It is easy for us to say, but she was worried about her reputation, too. I am glad it's a fictional story.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Thank so so much for your review Rosemary. I think she might have gone to the police if she hadn?t been so scared and isolated.
Comment from BethShelby
I can see this as a case of self defense. No man who does things like this deserves to live but I can't imagine the burden of having to life with the knowledge that you had taken someone's life would be. Apparently Sarah seemed to feel justified and didn't feel the guild. This seems to work for the contest called Honorable Revenge. In the second called Payback you have changed from third person to first person. I don't think you are supposed to change tenses in the middle of story. Other than that it is well written.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
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I can see this as a case of self defense. No man who does things like this deserves to live but I can't imagine the burden of having to life with the knowledge that you had taken someone's life would be. Apparently Sarah seemed to feel justified and didn't feel the guild. This seems to work for the contest called Honorable Revenge. In the second called Payback you have changed from third person to first person. I don't think you are supposed to change tenses in the middle of story. Other than that it is well written.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your kind review! I see what you mean about changing tenses. I didn?t pick up on that when I proofread my story. Thank you for pointing it out!
Comment from Mary Shifman
I think this is an excellent story and I'm appalled at what happened to little Sarah. I think He got what he deserved but I would have liked to have seen Beverly stand up and defend her. Still Sarah's character has backbone and courage and she might well have quite literally saved them both that night considering how drunk He was. Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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I think this is an excellent story and I'm appalled at what happened to little Sarah. I think He got what he deserved but I would have liked to have seen Beverly stand up and defend her. Still Sarah's character has backbone and courage and she might well have quite literally saved them both that night considering how drunk He was. Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much for your kind review and for your well wishes!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Superbly written. So captivatingly told I failed to look for grammatical or punctuation errors.
I hope this was fiction - with all my heart.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Superbly written. So captivatingly told I failed to look for grammatical or punctuation errors.
I hope this was fiction - with all my heart.
Good luck.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Bless you. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from pome lover
I think she was uncommonly brave. Probably most likely, after a long time of hurt and humiliation, anger and the thought of revenge were the only things that kept her going, and kept her sanity. And yes, she was honorable to save her aunt from beatings. It was certainly justice. Brave little girl. What she did took courage. Good story, though sad and infuriating.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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I think she was uncommonly brave. Probably most likely, after a long time of hurt and humiliation, anger and the thought of revenge were the only things that kept her going, and kept her sanity. And yes, she was honorable to save her aunt from beatings. It was certainly justice. Brave little girl. What she did took courage. Good story, though sad and infuriating.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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I?m honored. Thank you for your review.
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you're welcome
Comment from royowen
Because I have a great book hatred for the horrid molestation of small children, with two daughters and five grandchildren, I have thought that it is the worst crime of all, the child is stuck with problems all their lives, that is worse than murder, well done, I felt a certain satisfaction from this story, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Because I have a great book hatred for the horrid molestation of small children, with two daughters and five grandchildren, I have thought that it is the worst crime of all, the child is stuck with problems all their lives, that is worse than murder, well done, I felt a certain satisfaction from this story, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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I?m honored Roy. Blessings to you. I?ve no tolerance for child molesters myself obviously. I appreciate the kind review.
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Well done