Reviews from

Literary Warfare

Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Literary Warfare"
Friendly competition too oft with deadly results.

13 total reviews 
Comment from Judy Lawless
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This is an excellent first chapter, Wayne. You've done a great job of developing the characters and the dialogue is natural. I love the banter. I look forward to reading more of this story.

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
    Chapter two is up. Hope I did it right.
    Thank you immensely!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
    Thank you!
reply by Judy Lawless on 16-Jan-2022
    You?re welcome, Wayne.
reply by Judy Lawless on 16-Jan-2022
    I just saw that it?s up.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
    Chapter two is up.
    But you have to dig for it - don't know why.
Comment from Mary Shifman
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is an interesting first chapter. I like the seemingly coincidental nature of their meeting. (I've never believed in coincidence.) It sounds like fate to me. I like your characters and I enjoyed your story. I wish you well in the contest.

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
    Thank you.
Comment from nomi338
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Congratulations, you have hooked me as profoundly as a fisherman hooking a prized fish. No amount of wriggling will free me. I am hooked and will be anxiously waiting for the next chapter. I could so very easily see myself in this story. Therefore, I must ride this ride to its conclusion.

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Wow! Thank you!
    As I just replied to another, all I've done so far is enter contests. Not sure how to merely 'post'.
Comment from Wendy G
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Excellent! I am sure they will be together, but as this is the first chapter. not sure what problems may come along to overcome first. Your story was engaging and interesting and very well written.
Wendy

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Thank you.
    She gains fame. It became hard for him to just hang on when she is pedestalled, glamorized, and shown interest by debonair, wealthy men. He stops calling and she gets busy - death-by-success to a relationship.
reply by Wendy G on 15-Jan-2022
    Are you planning to post more? Sounds good!
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    I'm thinking about it. All I've done so far is enter contests.
Comment from BethShelby
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nice first chapter, I resisted reading some of these because of their length but since the rules call for a lot of words, I can understand why the are long. For people who share a love of writing, I can understand how this pair would start to want a continuing relationship. If you write more, I hope to be able to see where this is going. It is interesting enough to get the reader to come back for more.

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    The complete story is about 5K words. I see no way to make it book length. Maybe I could post the next two chapters and not call it a book?
Comment from giraffmang
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

There's some real good stuff in this opening chapter. The back & forth between the two as they find their feet in the new relationship is fun.

But if I threw a mud ball at them, it wouldn't stick. It would go right through them. - need closing speech marks here.

"You know, if ..., if we ..." - you don't need the comma following the ellipses.


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Thank you. I appreciate the editing.
Comment from lyenochka
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This sounds like a great romantic comedy! I like that you have two writers meet and their banter is lighthearted but well understood by the other. For the Fanstory audience, this is perfect! What a fun thing that a writers' workshop would be the matchmaker! Best wishes in the contest!

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Thank you. (For you, only, it's pretty much a true story, at least as far as chapter one goes.)
reply by lyenochka on 15-Jan-2022
    Oh! No wonder the characters feel so real!
Comment from Destinee Wallace1
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Good story line, it really kept me enthralled. I loved the dialogue and characters Reading this completed version all came together in a unique way with a good moral setting. Keep writing!

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Thank you. (My wife won't help me edit any hints of ribald or risque. lol)
Comment from Katherine M. Kean
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This is an extremely interesting First Book Chapter. You are an extremely clever, observant writer, turning my own words against me (a plotless novel), and I enjoyed the description of the way the workshop played out. For me this was a borderline 5/6 but you can't move up on this site after revision and I am feeling generous tonight so you got my last 6 of the week. But what would I like to see fixed:
1° I don't understand the discussion of finding the workshop / Eureka ad - shorten and tighten up
2° There is no indication in the chapter which is the rising star, and which the hanger on. Either add something, or remove this spoiler from the authors note.
Potential SPAGs for your consideration:
This is cumbersome >
What Jerry didn't offer was that Diane's heritage sprang from Europe far later than his people were all bona fide, card-carrying southerners.
material, what they were most proud of, > material that they were most proud of,

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Thank you very much. Too often writers get pumped up, but not actually reviewed ... and helped.
    I chuckle (sort of) at your #2. A writer could claim that was a deliberate effort to get a reader to turn the page.
    Being an amateur writer, suggestions to 'tighten up', while perfectly understandable to students and pros, ... But thank you. Prob'ly my revision will result in 'tightening up' and I won't even know it. (smiley face here)
reply by Katherine M. Kean on 15-Jan-2022
    OK, tighten up means it wanders around and the reader can't follow the mini plot at that particular point. Think of your story line, indicate to yourself the points to follow and write just joining up the dots. It should come out much more clearly. Another trick is to try reading bits out loud. If you stumble, so will your reader. Look more carefully at the structure at that point.

    In return a question for you. A few clubs fell by the wayside through people leaving the site. I am planning to revive one. Would you rather see editing and revision class 101 club appear, or Let's craft longer short stories. Thanks in advance for your answer. Kate xx
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    Thank you. Finally some clarity! I love when people speak English - words put together that I can understand.
    Yes, but ... I would like a site that offers more than flash fiction or first chapters. But, I would want the site to be a large enough group that odds would be that there would almost always be pieces that would be of interest, and if someone took a week or two off there would be nothing to review.
reply by Katherine M. Kean on 15-Jan-2022
    I try, I try! Here there are always things to review - you just have to work out how to find them. Make a fan-following list, who will be your real friends. Do return reviewing, but also a bit of chatting when possible / follow featured-well received stories and poems / comb through the up next list / read contests up for vote, and vote / join a club ... then there's a separate list to help you improve your writing
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2022
    A lot more to this site than I thought. It's like learning one of the new board games that my son wears me out with.
Comment from Dr. Nad
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I find this to be a very intriguing piece. From the very beginning you walked us down the slow intentional path of character development through engaging banter. This intellectual verbal gymnastics continued to be a prized focus of interest for them as well as your reader. Very well-written informative dialogue. Thanks for sharing, One thing. The font was challenging for me.

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
    Thank you from my depths! Great review.
    I'll try to change the font - not sure if I can at this point.
reply by Dr. Nad on 14-Jan-2022
    My Privilege to Review and Pleasure to Review.