A Walk Through The Woods
A girl, a red cloak and a beast in the woods5 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
Greywolf's excerpt from her book exploits the fear that arises naturally in response to an account that leads to a young woman's overnight stay in a hidden cave deep in the woods. The story's surprise is that the beast who has been apparently stalking Shaya is actually her protector and aspires to become her lover, which puts a compelling twist into the "Little Red Riding Hood" correlations present in this chapter. Greywolf's prose tells the story effectively and includes biographical details from Shaya's life that expand the reader's sense of who she is and what her young life has already encountered. The prose could be here and there refined and focused, but this chapter is exceptional.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Greywolf's excerpt from her book exploits the fear that arises naturally in response to an account that leads to a young woman's overnight stay in a hidden cave deep in the woods. The story's surprise is that the beast who has been apparently stalking Shaya is actually her protector and aspires to become her lover, which puts a compelling twist into the "Little Red Riding Hood" correlations present in this chapter. Greywolf's prose tells the story effectively and includes biographical details from Shaya's life that expand the reader's sense of who she is and what her young life has already encountered. The prose could be here and there refined and focused, but this chapter is exceptional.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Frank, for taking the time to read and review my story. I will work on focusing things a bit more. Again - thank you for the review and the sixth star.
Comment from NANCY V. FORREST
I have a fondness for reworked fairy tales that shift the perspective to give new insights. This first chapter makes a fine start in that genre. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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I have a fondness for reworked fairy tales that shift the perspective to give new insights. This first chapter makes a fine start in that genre. Nicely done.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Nancy, for taking the time to read and comment on my story.
Comment from Ethan Vandervelden
This was great start to a chapter and I would be interested in reading more. It has good characters and makes the reader want to know more about the "being" in the forest.
I have a couple thoughts about the story- but they are opinion take them or leave as you see fit.
-Opening paragraph needs a harder punch, swapping it with the third or forth paragraph would draw the reader in a little more and get them excited about reading.
she used it to light a flame at the end of a dry stick(.) Taking a deep breath(,) she hesitated(,) {and} then pushed her way through the leaves into the entrance of the cave.-Just some punctuation needed.
{Stealthfully},(Stealthily) he stroked her cheek-Your word isn't incorrect but feels awkward.
Though the dark red cape hid in the gathering shadows of the thick woods, golden eyes had no trouble following Shaya's faltering progress--This was a great way to introduce the character and I enjoyed it!
Overall I really enjoyed the read, and think it has a ton of potential. The reveal of the forest "being" is critical and if well executed will be a highlight!
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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This was great start to a chapter and I would be interested in reading more. It has good characters and makes the reader want to know more about the "being" in the forest.
I have a couple thoughts about the story- but they are opinion take them or leave as you see fit.
-Opening paragraph needs a harder punch, swapping it with the third or forth paragraph would draw the reader in a little more and get them excited about reading.
she used it to light a flame at the end of a dry stick(.) Taking a deep breath(,) she hesitated(,) {and} then pushed her way through the leaves into the entrance of the cave.-Just some punctuation needed.
{Stealthfully},(Stealthily) he stroked her cheek-Your word isn't incorrect but feels awkward.
Though the dark red cape hid in the gathering shadows of the thick woods, golden eyes had no trouble following Shaya's faltering progress--This was a great way to introduce the character and I enjoyed it!
Overall I really enjoyed the read, and think it has a ton of potential. The reveal of the forest "being" is critical and if well executed will be a highlight!
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my chapter. I will go through and redo some of it after the contest is concluded and will look seriously at your suggestions. Right now, I'll just leave as is until the contest is over.
Hoping I will be able to do justice to the "being's" reveal scene. I will admit to being a bit nervous about it. Hopefully, when I post future chapters, you will take the time to follow the story.
have a great weekend - sherry
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Perfect entry for the A First Book Chapter contest and best of wishes in the contest my friend! I would like the have seen some imagery added to tie the presentation together;-) The storyline is interesting and held my attention throughout the piece and the characters interact together nicely!
Thanks so much for sharing and may God bless you and your family this New Year;-)
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Perfect entry for the A First Book Chapter contest and best of wishes in the contest my friend! I would like the have seen some imagery added to tie the presentation together;-) The storyline is interesting and held my attention throughout the piece and the characters interact together nicely!
Thanks so much for sharing and may God bless you and your family this New Year;-)
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Thank you for reminding me! I had worked so hard perfecting the right image and then forgot to post it with the story. Please let me know what you think of it!
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I love it
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
you might want to check the rules for this one again. There is a minimum word count of 2000 words and this comes in at less than 1000. You would need to ramp this up or it will be automatically disqualified. As it's a site competition, they won't notify you and give you an opportunity to fix it.
The piece is very passive and you tend to use had/was a lot which adds to this. You can rectify it by writing around those usages.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Hi there,
you might want to check the rules for this one again. There is a minimum word count of 2000 words and this comes in at less than 1000. You would need to ramp this up or it will be automatically disqualified. As it's a site competition, they won't notify you and give you an opportunity to fix it.
The piece is very passive and you tend to use had/was a lot which adds to this. You can rectify it by writing around those usages.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Thanks for the heads up. I had an original draft of this started and then did another one - posted the wrong one. I might have caught it or might not have. So your review is MUCH appreciated. It is fixed now - thank you! I will leave the piece as it is for now and see about working on my too passive voice after the contest is over.
Again - thank you for taking the time to read and review this.
