Fleeting Nuances
Lost love reborn in international Narco enforcement.24 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
This story is intriguing, but I most enjoyed the way it is written. It builds in suspense with a combination of the present day entwined with descriptive backstory that builds the characters. Step-by-step we learn who the characters have been and who they are individually and together. I love the introduction of the front door that was inadvertently left open. I focused on it, when in the end, it had no baring on the way Elyse was shot. The dead fish? I don't know how that happened. Their relevance is yet to be revealed. Great first chapter. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2022
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This story is intriguing, but I most enjoyed the way it is written. It builds in suspense with a combination of the present day entwined with descriptive backstory that builds the characters. Step-by-step we learn who the characters have been and who they are individually and together. I love the introduction of the front door that was inadvertently left open. I focused on it, when in the end, it had no baring on the way Elyse was shot. The dead fish? I don't know how that happened. Their relevance is yet to be revealed. Great first chapter. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2022
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Once again, LJ, you hit the nail on the head. So much more to come (;-)
Comment from lyenochka
Wow! I think this is a winner! I thought of entering the contest but the sheer number of words was too scary. But you were able to keep my interest through it all and you convinced the readers about the genuine nature of the couple's love even if couched in mystery and doubt. It began with a bang and now Eric has another mystery to solve with the "key."
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2022
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Wow! I think this is a winner! I thought of entering the contest but the sheer number of words was too scary. But you were able to keep my interest through it all and you convinced the readers about the genuine nature of the couple's love even if couched in mystery and doubt. It began with a bang and now Eric has another mystery to solve with the "key."
Comment Written 08-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2022
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Wow, indeed, Lyenochka. Those are words of high praise coming from you. I hope the contest committee views it the same way you have. If not, they're just words, right? (-;o) Yard.
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They're the starting words for the rest of the book! 😊
Comment from Ulla
This is a great first chapter to your book which I really hope you will continue writing. Maybe, I would consider another opening rather than the describing the weather. It's a chapter with a lot of potential. Good luck. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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This is a great first chapter to your book which I really hope you will continue writing. Maybe, I would consider another opening rather than the describing the weather. It's a chapter with a lot of potential. Good luck. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thanks, Ulla. I changed the first paragraph as suggested. Yard.
Comment from The_Boy_Whodunnit
I really like your opening, it is so descriptive you can almost imagine being there watching all of this unfold. I also like this line - Elyse Cartier did not disappoint.
I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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I really like your opening, it is so descriptive you can almost imagine being there watching all of this unfold. I also like this line - Elyse Cartier did not disappoint.
I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thank you, TBW. I appreciate your review. Yes, Elyse is special. More to come. Yard.
Comment from Artasylum
I think this is wonderful... great read and sooooooo smooth. I will read along with this story because your storytelling is perfection... I forgot I was reading and buried myself in the atmosphere...
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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I think this is wonderful... great read and sooooooo smooth. I will read along with this story because your storytelling is perfection... I forgot I was reading and buried myself in the atmosphere...
Comment Written 07-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Artasylum! Your kind words have made this writer's day. Your praise of interaction, is exactly what I attempt to do with my prose. Thank you, once again. Yard.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an excellent first chapter, although killing off Elise this early doesn't seem like a great idea. But then there is that golden key, which is certainly something to keep the reader reading. Also Eric has a vendetta to fulfill.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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This is an excellent first chapter, although killing off Elise this early doesn't seem like a great idea. But then there is that golden key, which is certainly something to keep the reader reading. Also Eric has a vendetta to fulfill.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thanks, Carol. No, Elyse was not killed. She is gravely injured. The mystery will continue.
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Oh good! It just seemed too soon.
Comment from Ramona Scarborough
I just visited Monterey for the first time last month, so your setting was now familiar to me.
For starters, I liked your title and oh so many phrases: "Greased with distrust", "basement of despair," "incident swirling and morphing into flames, licking at his soul," and "had begun to etch furrow lines of mistrust and deceit into his brow."
The dead fish was sign of something ominous about to happen. Also liked the growing storm, lightening and thunder, as a background for heightening passion. The ending with the key was a page turner for sure.
Suggestions: 1.Read over your chapter and count the times you used the word caution and cautiously and substitute another word for some. 2. You changed POV at: "Instantly she went on the alert." Maybe add *** in between. 3. Not sure about this but you said, "Four heartbeats" in one place. Do you mean the intruder as well as the principle characters? But Eric didn't know anybody was there yet.
This isn't my usual read, but thank you for sharing.
Ramona
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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I just visited Monterey for the first time last month, so your setting was now familiar to me.
For starters, I liked your title and oh so many phrases: "Greased with distrust", "basement of despair," "incident swirling and morphing into flames, licking at his soul," and "had begun to etch furrow lines of mistrust and deceit into his brow."
The dead fish was sign of something ominous about to happen. Also liked the growing storm, lightening and thunder, as a background for heightening passion. The ending with the key was a page turner for sure.
Suggestions: 1.Read over your chapter and count the times you used the word caution and cautiously and substitute another word for some. 2. You changed POV at: "Instantly she went on the alert." Maybe add *** in between. 3. Not sure about this but you said, "Four heartbeats" in one place. Do you mean the intruder as well as the principle characters? But Eric didn't know anybody was there yet.
This isn't my usual read, but thank you for sharing.
Ramona
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Ramona. I appreciate your taking the time to review and offer constructive criticism. I'll being doing a rewrite here shortly taking your suggestions into consideration. Yes, I struggled with the 4 heart beats as well. I was trying to show increased passion but it ended up sounding like a lead bell. I will change it. Yard.
Comment from amahra
This is a very well written and intense first chapter. Having Elyse shot near the end, gives readers something to root for right off in your next chapter. Just a couple of things below:
Her body, bathed ever so lightly by the flickering rays of the candle, enticed him as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and [lay] on her side. He undressed and [lay] beside her for the first time in five years as the deeply buried memory of their last lovemaking rose to the forefront of his senses. [Although lay means to place something down, lay is also the past tense of lie. Since your story is told in the past tense, the proper word is lay.]
His gaze settled upon the aquarium - with a [faint] gasp, he froze.
[silent means no sound at all.]
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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This is a very well written and intense first chapter. Having Elyse shot near the end, gives readers something to root for right off in your next chapter. Just a couple of things below:
Her body, bathed ever so lightly by the flickering rays of the candle, enticed him as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and [lay] on her side. He undressed and [lay] beside her for the first time in five years as the deeply buried memory of their last lovemaking rose to the forefront of his senses. [Although lay means to place something down, lay is also the past tense of lie. Since your story is told in the past tense, the proper word is lay.]
His gaze settled upon the aquarium - with a [faint] gasp, he froze.
[silent means no sound at all.]
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Amahra. I appreciate your taking the time to review and offer constructive criticism. I'll being doing a rewrite here shortly taking your suggestions into consideration. Yard.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Just as a point of interest, there's a whole school of thought that says you should never start by describing the weather. it's an old trick to try to set the atmosphere but can be cliched.
It paints a nice picture but then the same technique is used again in the second paragraph.
The other aspect is that describing the weather isn't particularly grabbing and not a huge hook for the reader. if you take the first paragraph here, nothing happens. The clouds are there and a guy is looking out from a deck. Same thing for the second.
It may be an idea to rework so there's more there to grab the reader from the outset. I used to do this and feedback from some editors / publishers said they'd dismiss it pretty quickly, even if got past their initial readers.
I actually think the third or maybe the fourth paragraph is the clincher that you could start with. 'Elyse Cartier did not disappoint' would have the readers wondering 'why?' and asking questions from the outset. You could rework that nice descriptiveness into the end of the paragraph when he blows out the smoke into the night. Just something to think about.
cautiously revealing her desire, hoping to revisit the foundation of their love, hoping against time it still existed, she placed her other hand onto his firm chest and gently touched her warm lips to his ear. Delicately, she demanded and tenderly- be careful with the adverb usage. When they come they clump together which makes them fairly noticeable. Here there's four in quick succession. It can signal lazy writing and a penchant for telling over showing.
It's an intriguing start and there's a lot of questions raised in the mind of the reader which is a great thing for the opening chapter, drawing the reader in.
Good atmosphere created.
good stuff and best of luck to you,
GMG
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Hi there,
Just as a point of interest, there's a whole school of thought that says you should never start by describing the weather. it's an old trick to try to set the atmosphere but can be cliched.
It paints a nice picture but then the same technique is used again in the second paragraph.
The other aspect is that describing the weather isn't particularly grabbing and not a huge hook for the reader. if you take the first paragraph here, nothing happens. The clouds are there and a guy is looking out from a deck. Same thing for the second.
It may be an idea to rework so there's more there to grab the reader from the outset. I used to do this and feedback from some editors / publishers said they'd dismiss it pretty quickly, even if got past their initial readers.
I actually think the third or maybe the fourth paragraph is the clincher that you could start with. 'Elyse Cartier did not disappoint' would have the readers wondering 'why?' and asking questions from the outset. You could rework that nice descriptiveness into the end of the paragraph when he blows out the smoke into the night. Just something to think about.
cautiously revealing her desire, hoping to revisit the foundation of their love, hoping against time it still existed, she placed her other hand onto his firm chest and gently touched her warm lips to his ear. Delicately, she demanded and tenderly- be careful with the adverb usage. When they come they clump together which makes them fairly noticeable. Here there's four in quick succession. It can signal lazy writing and a penchant for telling over showing.
It's an intriguing start and there's a lot of questions raised in the mind of the reader which is a great thing for the opening chapter, drawing the reader in.
Good atmosphere created.
good stuff and best of luck to you,
GMG
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, GMG. I appreciate your taking the time to review and offer constructive criticism. I'll being doing a rewrite here shortly taking your suggestions into consideration. Yard
Comment from cat frenette
Very interesting premise. Where was Elyse all those years? How did she happen to come back into Eric's life, and more importantly, why? What does the key unlock and what was it that she had to tell him? Does she die, or is she just gravely injured? So many questions. I look forward to finding the answers.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
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Very interesting premise. Where was Elyse all those years? How did she happen to come back into Eric's life, and more importantly, why? What does the key unlock and what was it that she had to tell him? Does she die, or is she just gravely injured? So many questions. I look forward to finding the answers.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
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Thank you, Cat. Yes, many clues. The answers are forth coming. Yard.
