King David's Undoing
Uriah's wife was beautiful10 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Your tale of David's sin with Bathsheba is well told in ballad style. I appreciate the Bible not glossing over his sins but warning us that everyone can fail and needs forgiveness from God.
The story is even more frustrating that when Bathsheba notifies David of her pregnancy, he tries to bring Uriah back but that loyal friend would not sleep with his wife! I guess if he did, we wouldn't have Solomon.
Congratulations on the win!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Your tale of David's sin with Bathsheba is well told in ballad style. I appreciate the Bible not glossing over his sins but warning us that everyone can fail and needs forgiveness from God.
The story is even more frustrating that when Bathsheba notifies David of her pregnancy, he tries to bring Uriah back but that loyal friend would not sleep with his wife! I guess if he did, we wouldn't have Solomon.
Congratulations on the win!
Comment Written 04-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2022
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Dear Helen, Thank you for your review and the five stars.I was shocked to win this contest. I was pleased with what I'd entered, but only 'cos I'd finally written something I'd wanted to do for a long time. Never thought for a moment /I'd win. Actually it is one of my favourite Bible stories. Another is Samson and Delilah.cheers Cass
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Hope you had a wonderful birthday, Cass! Did you see my poem for you?
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Dear Helen,My sincere apologies for not acknowledging your delightful poem honoring me on my birthday. It is charming and so complimentary!! No-one has ever done that for me before, so please accept my thanks and loving appreciation. You are a bird of rare feathers my dear, make no mistake on that matter. The question now remains "when is your birthday???" Please 'fess up now, it's only fair ain't it? cheers Cass
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You saw the poem but didn't review it? I see you aren't reviewing much these days. Well, you'll have to message me to find out secrets like that. 😻🌻
Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson
You almost nailed it. In stanza 5 I think it would have read better if you had written His poet's voice burst forth. Then in stanza 6, your whole rhyme scheme changed. This threw me off a little. Then in stanza 9, you wrote To be put into her room. You could have easily have eliminated into and just made it in. I think it would have flowed better. I find it hard for people to retell a Bible story that Christians know already but I did like your attempt and hope you can rewrite this poem again.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
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You almost nailed it. In stanza 5 I think it would have read better if you had written His poet's voice burst forth. Then in stanza 6, your whole rhyme scheme changed. This threw me off a little. Then in stanza 9, you wrote To be put into her room. You could have easily have eliminated into and just made it in. I think it would have flowed better. I find it hard for people to retell a Bible story that Christians know already but I did like your attempt and hope you can rewrite this poem again.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
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dear darlene thank you for your review and the accompanying comments. No, the poem must stand as it is. The fifth stanza was written that way for the rhyme while the sixth stanza suggested itself and I simply followed my instincts and wrote it in. The "in/into" is a moot point. I tried both and came out in favour of the one which (to me) held the rhythm best. It is refreshing to read a commentary by someone unafraid to say what they think. Well said. cheers
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Dear Ms. Carlton,
I am so glad you won the contest. I was unaware it was a contest entry or I would have wished you well in the contest. I do find it hard to retell a Bible story when Christians already know it but that is me. I am glad you took my comments in the proper nature they were meant. I never mean to put a person down just to maybe inspire them to see their work from a different viewpoint. I know I appreciate an honest review rather than snuggles and wine. I like to hear different viewpoints. Sometimes they help sometimes they don't. Blessings, Darlene
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Dear Darlene, I am glad you have written again as you have done. I wasn't in the least discomforted by your comments. Surprised? Yes, but that's how we do things on FanStory.
Don't change anything you do or think, 'cos we need people who can express themselves well and who aren't afraid to do so. cheers Cass
Ps the name is Cass. Let's be friends.
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Dear Cass,
I would love to be friends. I guess I am used to the old fanstory and I am a little lost that none of the people are here anymore. We used to give honest reviews. It wasn't always pretty but it sure made you grow. Which is why most of us were here. We wanted to know how our work was being received by others. Apparently that night I was cranky because I was overtired and I gave a couple of reviews that were not well received. I would love to be friends. I thank you very much for receiving the review in the manner it was meant and I am certain I will be giving 6 stars to you in the future. Thank you and God Bless my new friend. Darlene
Comment from DragonBlue1
I really like your rhyming tale, and the story you have written here. My favorite lines:
She had her trove, now it was time
To balance the tipping scale
In nights of love and passion
And herein ends my tale
Please do write on!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
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I really like your rhyming tale, and the story you have written here. My favorite lines:
She had her trove, now it was time
To balance the tipping scale
In nights of love and passion
And herein ends my tale
Please do write on!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
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Dear Dragonblue1, Thank you for your review and the five stars.
I felt the story should end there, because the guidelines of the contest do say "no actual sexual activity to be described" My busy, writers imagination was awash with all manner of images, but I decided less is best.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Awesome poem and although I have an entry in the same contest I wish you all the best wishes in the contest!
Excellent poem indeed my friend and the subject at hand, going biblically into the erotic with King David was ingenious, in my opinion;-)
Thanks so much for sharing this well written piece with us and many blessings to you and your family this New Year!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Awesome poem and although I have an entry in the same contest I wish you all the best wishes in the contest!
Excellent poem indeed my friend and the subject at hand, going biblically into the erotic with King David was ingenious, in my opinion;-)
Thanks so much for sharing this well written piece with us and many blessings to you and your family this New Year!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Dear Melodie, Thankyou for your review and the five stars. Thank you also for your kind remarks on my choice of topic. I have wanted to write a piece on this subject for some time, so when this contest was announced it seemed a perfect opportunity.
May I take this moment to offer you and yours the compliments of the season?
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;-) Thank you!!!
Comment from LisaMay
It was rather refreshing to read your skilful poem and not be subjected to the graphic physical details of most of the other entries.... which is much more my idea of what 'soft' erotica actually is... where intimacy is veiled but desire, intention, and passion are evident. I hope your poem wins, to prove that subtlety can beat the obvious.
(I do not admire David's and Bathsheba's lack of morality - adultery and murder.)
typo:
Hi(s) friend Uriah's house next door
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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It was rather refreshing to read your skilful poem and not be subjected to the graphic physical details of most of the other entries.... which is much more my idea of what 'soft' erotica actually is... where intimacy is veiled but desire, intention, and passion are evident. I hope your poem wins, to prove that subtlety can beat the obvious.
(I do not admire David's and Bathsheba's lack of morality - adultery and murder.)
typo:
Hi(s) friend Uriah's house next door
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Dear LisaMay, Thank you for your review and the five stars. Thank you also for the comments on subtlety
etc with which I am entirely in accord. (The typo has been fixed)cheers
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Your poem stood out in that regard.
Comment from Kit Nongkhlaw
I saw this contest but I did not enter because I could not write what you did. You are a talented poet to compose such a beautiful song on Israel's greatest king. We all know how he repented about his deeds in Psalm.51. Thanks for sharing and all the very best in the contest, Kit.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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I saw this contest but I did not enter because I could not write what you did. You are a talented poet to compose such a beautiful song on Israel's greatest king. We all know how he repented about his deeds in Psalm.51. Thanks for sharing and all the very best in the contest, Kit.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Dear Kit, Thank you for your review and the awesome SIX stars. Tut, tut now, you have many talents which I have seen, having looked through your portfolio. This was a piece I have been wanting to write for a long time, but when this contest was announced it fitted beautifully. I am glad you liked it.
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You are welcome
Comment from Ben Colder
Yes, God never stopped calling her Uriah's wife. He had him murdered and took her because he could. However, he paid for it later. We all do. I voted for you. Hope you win.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Yes, God never stopped calling her Uriah's wife. He had him murdered and took her because he could. However, he paid for it later. We all do. I voted for you. Hope you win.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Dear Ben, Thank you for your review and the five stars. I have been wanting to write something on this subject for some time now, and when this contest was announced it seemed like an ideal opportunity. I'm glad you like it. Thanks for the vote.
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You are welcome.
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Excellent poem about King David and his affair
gone wrong. She was beautiful and became his wife.
God forgave him and we can learn this lesson.
We have a foot of snow in Minnesota. Enjoy your weekend.
flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Excellent poem about King David and his affair
gone wrong. She was beautiful and became his wife.
God forgave him and we can learn this lesson.
We have a foot of snow in Minnesota. Enjoy your weekend.
flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Dear Flylikeaneagle, Thankyou for your review and the five stars. We don't have snow in Australia. Not in Adelaide the capital of South Australia which is where I live. And not at this time of the year which is our summer. Yes, God's forgiveness is for everyone. Even those who stray far from the fold.
Well said. cheers
Comment from JCK
Love the rhyming in this poem. Very clever word use. I like the way it tells a story. thanks for sharing. David was only human after all and I guess so are we.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Love the rhyming in this poem. Very clever word use. I like the way it tells a story. thanks for sharing. David was only human after all and I guess so are we.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Dear JCK, Thank you
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Thank you for your review and the five stars. Yes, that's the point of the story, David's human-ness. Despite him being beloved of God he went his own way and sinned with his love for
Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, his friend and trusted supporter.
Comment from GeraldShuler
You have a talent for rhyme. I like the flow of your poem. The picture you paint with your words shines. I saw David and Bathsheba clearly. Also, you were consistent in the song-like flow of the poem.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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You have a talent for rhyme. I like the flow of your poem. The picture you paint with your words shines. I saw David and Bathsheba clearly. Also, you were consistent in the song-like flow of the poem.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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Dear Gerald, Thank you for your review and the four stars. Thank you also for your compliments on my writing. They are generous and most welcome. I'm glad you liked it.
