Concertina
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "#2 Pencil"Vietnam veteran comes to the end of his denial.
21 total reviews
Comment from Tpa
This was an outstanding story. Your descriptions awarded this reader great images and insights of the man's feelings and the torment acquainted with his past. Couldn't he get professional aid in helping with his sleep? GOOD CHAPTER.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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This was an outstanding story. Your descriptions awarded this reader great images and insights of the man's feelings and the torment acquainted with his past. Couldn't he get professional aid in helping with his sleep? GOOD CHAPTER.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Tpa. Your generous review has made my day! Yes, Lee, could have received professional help but he is stubborn and is trying to break the bonds on his own. He will not succeed. Chapter 3 will be posted later today.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I prefer to read stories or accounts of lives that examine human feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I retired from the Department of Veterans Affairs after 30 years of counseling and working with veterans, many returning from Vietnam. I heard many stories, and read several books giving accounts. Your story is extraordinarily realistic from both Lee's point of view, as well as Dawn's. No matter how many stories I heard or read, or how compassionate I felt, I was never there.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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I prefer to read stories or accounts of lives that examine human feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I retired from the Department of Veterans Affairs after 30 years of counseling and working with veterans, many returning from Vietnam. I heard many stories, and read several books giving accounts. Your story is extraordinarily realistic from both Lee's point of view, as well as Dawn's. No matter how many stories I heard or read, or how compassionate I felt, I was never there.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Thank you so much, LJ, for your generous review AND your service as a counselor. I have often wondered how counselors deal with the trauma of others with out themselves becoming a victim. I welcome your fanship and look forward to your insight. Chapter 2 of Concertina has just been posted. I hope you journey with me as the story develops. Rad
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is another great story about the life of a struggling Vietnam Veteran, Yardier. There are so many, and each is unique it seems. But they all tell of the despair and fears and nightmares they came home with. This is very well written. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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This is another great story about the life of a struggling Vietnam Veteran, Yardier. There are so many, and each is unique it seems. But they all tell of the despair and fears and nightmares they came home with. This is very well written. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Judy. I just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you journey with me as the book develops. Rad.
Comment from Susan Newell
You get my first six of the week. This story is phenomenal. You really put us into the head and heart of Lee while addressing in general what the Vietnam War did to the boys who fought it. The writing draws in the reader and won't let him/her go. I thought the ending with the matchbook was spectacular. The conflict between Lee's world view and Dawn's was demonstrated without resorting to explaining. The watering of the potted plant was a bonus. Kudos!
My proofreading notes follow:
their Golden retriever -- dog breeds usually aren't capitalized unless they include a proper noun like Belgian.
"The sun would be coming up soon," he thought -- since this is a direct thought in quotes, I think it should be "will be"
sporting a Post Office and ==> post office -- Just because it's a government building it doesn't become a proper noun, any more than town hall would. The government likes to capitalize itself in documents, but we humble citizens don't have to.
dwindling remnant of Oakies -- typo, ==> Okies
to a reasonable paying laborers job at -- This is a little awkward. I think "reasonably paying laborer's job" or "reasonable-pay laborer's job"
master mechanics and carpenter's tools ==> mechanic's
because he had put them after finding them ==> had put them there after
beer can opener -- if you had said "church key" here you really would have taken me back :-) A friend of mine has a red '64 Ford pickup as his regular driver.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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You get my first six of the week. This story is phenomenal. You really put us into the head and heart of Lee while addressing in general what the Vietnam War did to the boys who fought it. The writing draws in the reader and won't let him/her go. I thought the ending with the matchbook was spectacular. The conflict between Lee's world view and Dawn's was demonstrated without resorting to explaining. The watering of the potted plant was a bonus. Kudos!
My proofreading notes follow:
their Golden retriever -- dog breeds usually aren't capitalized unless they include a proper noun like Belgian.
"The sun would be coming up soon," he thought -- since this is a direct thought in quotes, I think it should be "will be"
sporting a Post Office and ==> post office -- Just because it's a government building it doesn't become a proper noun, any more than town hall would. The government likes to capitalize itself in documents, but we humble citizens don't have to.
dwindling remnant of Oakies -- typo, ==> Okies
to a reasonable paying laborers job at -- This is a little awkward. I think "reasonably paying laborer's job" or "reasonable-pay laborer's job"
master mechanics and carpenter's tools ==> mechanic's
because he had put them after finding them ==> had put them there after
beer can opener -- if you had said "church key" here you really would have taken me back :-) A friend of mine has a red '64 Ford pickup as his regular driver.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Susan for your very constructive review and very, very, generous rating. I've just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you continue to journey with me as the book develops. Rad
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You are welcome, and I will attempt to follow the book, but I don't want to make a commitment to something I may not be able to do.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
SSSSSStupendous. I've been champing at the bit to give you the six it deserves! Cheerssssss. LIZ
Images of the dark and [unctuous=>MEANING WHAT IN THIS CONTEXT?] Mekong night ...
calloused=>CALLUSED hand,
Still, his wife decided those tasteless periodicals written by bloodthirsty and ill-mannered men did not belong in her bedroom and, one day, while Lee was at work, SHE threw them into the garbage.
It was an uncomfortable encouragement [causing=>COMMA WHICH CAUSED] him to avoid any conversation regarding Vietnam altogether.
NO QUOTATION MARKS FOR THOUGHTS--SUGG ITALICS
Lee and Dawn Morrison were married in 1970, the year after he came home from Vietnam and, except for a few apartment rentals in Bakersfield, lived in the same factory manufactured home in Greenfield for the last fifteen years COMMA WHICH WAS purchased with the help of a V.A. loan.
Greenfield is a rural community located just south of Bakersfield in California's great San Joaquin Valley [COMMA] sporting a Post Office and liquor store conveniently located at the intersection of two county highways.
When Lee's father, Leland, died from a sudden heart attack at [SUGG OMIT the young age of] fifty-eight,
passenger window down using a pair of [vice=>VISE] grips
He and his father brought the new truck home from a Ford dealer in Barstow [SUGG OMIT OR BEGIN THE SENTENCE WITH THIS PHRASE with smiles on their faces as wide as the highway].
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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SSSSSStupendous. I've been champing at the bit to give you the six it deserves! Cheerssssss. LIZ
Images of the dark and [unctuous=>MEANING WHAT IN THIS CONTEXT?] Mekong night ...
calloused=>CALLUSED hand,
Still, his wife decided those tasteless periodicals written by bloodthirsty and ill-mannered men did not belong in her bedroom and, one day, while Lee was at work, SHE threw them into the garbage.
It was an uncomfortable encouragement [causing=>COMMA WHICH CAUSED] him to avoid any conversation regarding Vietnam altogether.
NO QUOTATION MARKS FOR THOUGHTS--SUGG ITALICS
Lee and Dawn Morrison were married in 1970, the year after he came home from Vietnam and, except for a few apartment rentals in Bakersfield, lived in the same factory manufactured home in Greenfield for the last fifteen years COMMA WHICH WAS purchased with the help of a V.A. loan.
Greenfield is a rural community located just south of Bakersfield in California's great San Joaquin Valley [COMMA] sporting a Post Office and liquor store conveniently located at the intersection of two county highways.
When Lee's father, Leland, died from a sudden heart attack at [SUGG OMIT the young age of] fifty-eight,
passenger window down using a pair of [vice=>VISE] grips
He and his father brought the new truck home from a Ford dealer in Barstow [SUGG OMIT OR BEGIN THE SENTENCE WITH THIS PHRASE with smiles on their faces as wide as the highway].
Comment Written 21-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Always on your toes! Thank you, Liz, for your generous review and helpful suggestions. I just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you continue to journey with me as the book develops. Rad
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have done a great job of letting the reader know and feel Lee's despair as the dreams get worse and sleeping is torture and drinking is a problem he's not sure he wants to fix. The only thing I wonder about is that brief paragraph about Dawn being an Okie. It seems to interrupt the flow without adding anything necessary at that time.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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You have done a great job of letting the reader know and feel Lee's despair as the dreams get worse and sleeping is torture and drinking is a problem he's not sure he wants to fix. The only thing I wonder about is that brief paragraph about Dawn being an Okie. It seems to interrupt the flow without adding anything necessary at that time.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Thank you so much, Carol, for your generous review. I live among a very proud community of Okies who would feel slighted if I didn't give them their props. More of Dawns character will be introduce as the story unfolds. I just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you will continue to journey with me as the book develops. Rad
Comment from Soledadpaz
Grippingly vivid imagery in second paragraph.
I found I was holding my breath as he rummaged through the glove box. Afraid he was going to find a gun. Glad it was a only a book of matches with a message from his father.
You picked a perfectly fitting title for this work, in my opinion.
Sol
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Grippingly vivid imagery in second paragraph.
I found I was holding my breath as he rummaged through the glove box. Afraid he was going to find a gun. Glad it was a only a book of matches with a message from his father.
You picked a perfectly fitting title for this work, in my opinion.
Sol
Comment Written 20-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Sol, for your review and rating. No, no gun. Lee is going to step further into darkness before he see's the light. There will not be any violence or attempted suicide. I've just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you continue to journey with me as the book develops. Rad
Comment from chatterbox1
My husband served on the Cutter, Winona, In Vietnam. You just described his descent into hell. His and mine. Along with the alcoholism, he added drugs, something he vowed never to try. After the violence against our children and me, a brain aneurysm finally ended his pain. Ours still lives.
Good luck and goodbye
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You did nothing to deserve it.
Reading this post just ripped off too many scabs. I thought that by reading your experiences I'd better understand what Rick was going through. Before his deployment, he adored his family. By the time he'd escalated to holding a loaded gun to my head, I finally lost hope. This time of year is especially hard as our son recently died from an aneurysm. The anniversary is next month, two weeks before my birthday. Forgive me. My struggle has nothing to do with your writing, which really is a 5.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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My husband served on the Cutter, Winona, In Vietnam. You just described his descent into hell. His and mine. Along with the alcoholism, he added drugs, something he vowed never to try. After the violence against our children and me, a brain aneurysm finally ended his pain. Ours still lives.
Good luck and goodbye
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You did nothing to deserve it.
Reading this post just ripped off too many scabs. I thought that by reading your experiences I'd better understand what Rick was going through. Before his deployment, he adored his family. By the time he'd escalated to holding a loaded gun to my head, I finally lost hope. This time of year is especially hard as our son recently died from an aneurysm. The anniversary is next month, two weeks before my birthday. Forgive me. My struggle has nothing to do with your writing, which really is a 5.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2021
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Please do not say goodbye. I am so sorry to hear about the troubling life you have endured, but have survived. I write with the clarity of truth and experience. It is the only way to address the issues. I wish I could have met your husband during his downward spiral. We, veterans and families are in this together to solve the problem. It takes a long time. Please journey with me as the story continues. It will get darker but there is no physical abuse. It is a story of despair and redemption. You may find the light at the end of the tunnel is waiting for you. My prayers are for you and your family. Rad
Comment from nomi338
Though I served in the US Air Force during the Viet Nam conflict, I did not serve there. I have the utmost respect for those who did serve there. None of the people I have ever known who served there returned anywhere near the people they were before serving there. I have heard horror stories that would curl the hair and toes of tough guys who have never experienced anything like the things I have heard and believe to be true. I do understand why letting go is not easy, it becomes a part of you, just like elements of basic training is still with me all these years later.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Though I served in the US Air Force during the Viet Nam conflict, I did not serve there. I have the utmost respect for those who did serve there. None of the people I have ever known who served there returned anywhere near the people they were before serving there. I have heard horror stories that would curl the hair and toes of tough guys who have never experienced anything like the things I have heard and believe to be true. I do understand why letting go is not easy, it becomes a part of you, just like elements of basic training is still with me all these years later.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Nomi, you have hit the nail on the head. While you did not serve in VN, it is obvious you have a heart of understanding for those that did. We are all brothers under God's sun and you are as just as much a warrior as those on the firing line. If I haven't said it before thank you for your service and, for your kind review. I just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you journey with me as the book develops. Rad.
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I would not miss it for the world. Thank you for the invitation.
Comment from estory
I thought you did a great job bringing to life the struggles of the vet caught in the grips of PTSD. The opening scene is really an attention grabber with that nightmare that seems to hold this guy in its never ending grasp. It is also very realistic, very close to real life. Its like we are reliving these scenes with your character. estory
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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I thought you did a great job bringing to life the struggles of the vet caught in the grips of PTSD. The opening scene is really an attention grabber with that nightmare that seems to hold this guy in its never ending grasp. It is also very realistic, very close to real life. Its like we are reliving these scenes with your character. estory
Comment Written 20-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Estory, for your very generous review and comments. I just posted Chapter 2 of Concertina and hope you continue to journey with me as the story develops. Rad.
