The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
17 total reviews
Comment from AJ McCall
Aww, such a sweet way to end this chapter amahra! This is definitely the promised land... flowing with milk and honey. This chapter totally had be captivated from beginning to end. And my favorite part? When Gangus went into Dordrecht's tent, lol. Don't block the man's light for shaving! Your chapter had such a bible tone, I was almost convinced that this was set in the bible days, with a touch of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. I can't wait to see what happens next! SIX STARSSSSSSSSSSSS!
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Aww, such a sweet way to end this chapter amahra! This is definitely the promised land... flowing with milk and honey. This chapter totally had be captivated from beginning to end. And my favorite part? When Gangus went into Dordrecht's tent, lol. Don't block the man's light for shaving! Your chapter had such a bible tone, I was almost convinced that this was set in the bible days, with a touch of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. I can't wait to see what happens next! SIX STARSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Ah, thank you, my dear. I'm so glad you liked it. And thanks for the six stars. And as far as the Dordrecht tent scene, I wanted my characters to appear more authentic; so, thank you for noting that scene. It means a lot to me.
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You are most welcome!!! lol ;)
Comment from Hitcher
You are a great story teller friend, I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to this chapter. The story and characters were easy to follow, the visuals were great and I'd say the story thus far has been a roller-coaster ride : ))
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2021
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You are a great story teller friend, I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to this chapter. The story and characters were easy to follow, the visuals were great and I'd say the story thus far has been a roller-coaster ride : ))
Comment Written 21-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2021
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Thank you very much, Hitcher. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from justafan
This 6 plus another 6. I absolutely love this story. I went through some of the reviews and saw the "crits" have been taken care of. Jay is a master craftsman and I would always trust his crit.
I hope there is more to this story. It is brilliant, my lovely friend.
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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This 6 plus another 6. I absolutely love this story. I went through some of the reviews and saw the "crits" have been taken care of. Jay is a master craftsman and I would always trust his crit.
I hope there is more to this story. It is brilliant, my lovely friend.
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 20-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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Yaaaa! You didn't leave FanStory. I'm so glad to hear from you, not for the stars, but reading your work. I'm glad you liked the story, and hope you post soon. Bless you, my dear.
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I stay for your writing and a few more.
Always
~M~
Comment from tfawcus
I like the way you use details such as the ballooning of the mouth while shaving. Did you consider mentioning the shaving before the ballooning? It might make it easier for your readers to make the connection.
I notice another reviewer suggested breaking these sentences up: "Hundreds of miles from Hayman's village, after many weeks of traveling on foot, Gangus and his people stood on Bethican soil--the land the god, Raziel had promised. With Brehira by his side, he thought of all they and his tribesmen had encountered since boarding the Cristofur at Skatts Island nearly a year ago: Five hundred and nineteen settlers, seventy-three of one hundred and eighty soldiers, one captain, and thirty-eight of a sixty-member crew had survived the journey."
I like the mix of long and short sentences, but I think long sentences are easier to follow if the subject and main verb are at the beginning, or very close to it. e.g. Gangus and his people stood on Bethican soil, hundreds of miles from Hayman's village, after many weeks of traveling on foot.
Your descriptions of the landscape are well imagined and create clear visual impressions in the mind.
I also liked the tenderness of the scene described in the final paragraphs.
I understand from your synopsis that this is not the end of the story. I shall look forward to reading the next part.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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I like the way you use details such as the ballooning of the mouth while shaving. Did you consider mentioning the shaving before the ballooning? It might make it easier for your readers to make the connection.
I notice another reviewer suggested breaking these sentences up: "Hundreds of miles from Hayman's village, after many weeks of traveling on foot, Gangus and his people stood on Bethican soil--the land the god, Raziel had promised. With Brehira by his side, he thought of all they and his tribesmen had encountered since boarding the Cristofur at Skatts Island nearly a year ago: Five hundred and nineteen settlers, seventy-three of one hundred and eighty soldiers, one captain, and thirty-eight of a sixty-member crew had survived the journey."
I like the mix of long and short sentences, but I think long sentences are easier to follow if the subject and main verb are at the beginning, or very close to it. e.g. Gangus and his people stood on Bethican soil, hundreds of miles from Hayman's village, after many weeks of traveling on foot.
Your descriptions of the landscape are well imagined and create clear visual impressions in the mind.
I also liked the tenderness of the scene described in the final paragraphs.
I understand from your synopsis that this is not the end of the story. I shall look forward to reading the next part.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate your interest in my story. Below, however, I think you missed the first part of the shaving scene.
Dordrecht turned from his mirror--his lips and cheeks surrounded by a white cloud. He held the blade an inch from his face. "Couldn't be better," he said. He turned back to the mirror and pulled the blade down from his sideburn. [shaving is mentioned before balooned.]
Gangus stood watching as Dordrecht ballooned his cheek.
Comment from Mary Shifman
I enjoyed this chapter in the saga. It seems like they have found the 'Promised Land," and they will be able to have a peaceful and productive life. However, upon reading the author's notes at the end, I can tell that they are off to endure more perils and engage in more battles. Well written. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2021
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I enjoyed this chapter in the saga. It seems like they have found the 'Promised Land," and they will be able to have a peaceful and productive life. However, upon reading the author's notes at the end, I can tell that they are off to endure more perils and engage in more battles. Well written. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2021
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HAHA! Thank you so much, Mary. A few thought this was the last chapter, but not you. Thanks for reading the author's notes. There is more to come. Bless you.
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You are very welcome. I am enjoying it.
Comment from pookietoo
I don't know what to say. It is a very nice story. I think you have a lot of experience writing stories. That is wonderful. Have a great night. Keep smiling.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2021
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I don't know what to say. It is a very nice story. I think you have a lot of experience writing stories. That is wonderful. Have a great night. Keep smiling.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. Blessings to you.
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Welcome
Comment from dellsworthpoet
An interesting excerpt. The flow is good. The imagery is crisp. The language is befitting an epic tale. The pace is good.
Suggestions;
"Hundreds of miles from Hayman's village, after many weeks of traveling on foot, Gangus and his people stood on Bethican soil--the land the god, Raziel had promised. With Brehira by his side, he thought of all they and his tribesmen had encountered since boarding the Cristofur at Skatts Island nearly a year ago: Five hundred and nineteen settlers, seventy-three of one hundred and eighty soldiers, one captain, and thirty-eight of a sixty-member crew had survived the journey."
This passage shows a need reflected elsewhere of overly long, complex sentences. When a sentence gets longer than about 20 words it tends to get convoluted and readers may need to retrace. The second sentence starts with the word "with" which is usually unnecessary. This sentence also has a colon which I question if it should be a semi-colon and seems to contain several thoughts. I would subdivide it.
"While the people held on to their belongings, they watched Gangus and Brehira walk glassy-eyed--holding on to each other and looking around at their new homeland.
Glassy-eyed means shiny or glossed over and often is associated with unfocused. i.e. drug induced. The other times I've seen it used is to describe flat eyes without emotion, like marbles with no soul behind. Again "while" is a holder word that feels like padding. People probably "clutch" their belongings (hold on tight, guard).
"A large portion of the land was flat, wild, and opened; flat land and hills were covered with thick grass like a vast green carpet."
Here opened land feels like broken with plow or cracked and dry. Expansive is usually "open".
Gangus, his eyes glassy, pulled her close and planted a gentle kiss upon her lips. "As I love you,"
Again glassy eyes. I suggest something like sparkled, glowed, or misted over.
A good read. Thanks for sharing. The suggestions are minor tweeks to make flow better. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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An interesting excerpt. The flow is good. The imagery is crisp. The language is befitting an epic tale. The pace is good.
Suggestions;
"Hundreds of miles from Hayman's village, after many weeks of traveling on foot, Gangus and his people stood on Bethican soil--the land the god, Raziel had promised. With Brehira by his side, he thought of all they and his tribesmen had encountered since boarding the Cristofur at Skatts Island nearly a year ago: Five hundred and nineteen settlers, seventy-three of one hundred and eighty soldiers, one captain, and thirty-eight of a sixty-member crew had survived the journey."
This passage shows a need reflected elsewhere of overly long, complex sentences. When a sentence gets longer than about 20 words it tends to get convoluted and readers may need to retrace. The second sentence starts with the word "with" which is usually unnecessary. This sentence also has a colon which I question if it should be a semi-colon and seems to contain several thoughts. I would subdivide it.
"While the people held on to their belongings, they watched Gangus and Brehira walk glassy-eyed--holding on to each other and looking around at their new homeland.
Glassy-eyed means shiny or glossed over and often is associated with unfocused. i.e. drug induced. The other times I've seen it used is to describe flat eyes without emotion, like marbles with no soul behind. Again "while" is a holder word that feels like padding. People probably "clutch" their belongings (hold on tight, guard).
"A large portion of the land was flat, wild, and opened; flat land and hills were covered with thick grass like a vast green carpet."
Here opened land feels like broken with plow or cracked and dry. Expansive is usually "open".
Gangus, his eyes glassy, pulled her close and planted a gentle kiss upon her lips. "As I love you,"
Again glassy eyes. I suggest something like sparkled, glowed, or misted over.
A good read. Thanks for sharing. The suggestions are minor tweeks to make flow better. Keep writing.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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Thank you so much for your review and thoughtful suggestions.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Jay Squires
This must be the end of the story. Everything was wrapped up so beautifully in way of a denouement, with no hint of any future problems to cause them grief. Only I didn't see "The End at its conclusion. It is a lovely chapter and book, Amahra. Congratulations. I hope you'll send it to market!
Gangus grew furious at the silliness of it all. "Knees!" he was heard shouting. "Drakes don't have knees!" [HAHAHA!]
"You have done a great service for my people, my dear friend," Hayman had said. "We will never forget. If there is ever anything me or my people can do for you, [Normally, I don't critique grammar in dialogue, but Hayman speaks with such dignity, I can only imagine him saying, "...I or my people," or "... my people or I"]
The lakes coiled like snakes [Wouldn't it be "The RIVERS coiled like snakes..."?]
the motor of its current pushing the waves against the huge gray rocks. [I like that "motor of its current"]
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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This must be the end of the story. Everything was wrapped up so beautifully in way of a denouement, with no hint of any future problems to cause them grief. Only I didn't see "The End at its conclusion. It is a lovely chapter and book, Amahra. Congratulations. I hope you'll send it to market!
Gangus grew furious at the silliness of it all. "Knees!" he was heard shouting. "Drakes don't have knees!" [HAHAHA!]
"You have done a great service for my people, my dear friend," Hayman had said. "We will never forget. If there is ever anything me or my people can do for you, [Normally, I don't critique grammar in dialogue, but Hayman speaks with such dignity, I can only imagine him saying, "...I or my people," or "... my people or I"]
The lakes coiled like snakes [Wouldn't it be "The RIVERS coiled like snakes..."?]
the motor of its current pushing the waves against the huge gray rocks. [I like that "motor of its current"]
Comment Written 18-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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Thank you for your review, Jay, and certainly the stars. Yes, Judy pointed it out earlier and I've already changed "me" to "I". Thanks for pointing out what you liked. Rivers instead of lakes? Hmm... let me read it a few times and see. I was thinking, lots of small lakes but not that many rivers in one region. But you've got me thinking.
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I think it may be one's mindset regarding lakes. I see them as a single body of water, with or without tributaries. Rivers I see as more angular and sinuous.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I guess, we all need a little break from the battles when we reach our intended destination and a few other assets can almost add to the enjoyment. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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I guess, we all need a little break from the battles when we reach our intended destination and a few other assets can almost add to the enjoyment. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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Thank you, Ric. Always glad to your review.
Comment from royowen
I guess this is the last episode to what has been a long and epic journey, for Gangus, Brehira and his people over many arduous miles to their final destination, in which all their dreams of having anf finding a land of substance and plenty is finally over. Well done, an excellent post and a great story. Well done Smahra, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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I guess this is the last episode to what has been a long and epic journey, for Gangus, Brehira and his people over many arduous miles to their final destination, in which all their dreams of having anf finding a land of substance and plenty is finally over. Well done, an excellent post and a great story. Well done Smahra, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2021
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Thank you, Roy.
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Most welcome
