The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
12 total reviews
Comment from duaneculbertson
Greetings Amahra!
I could really feel the tranquility of the scene on the balcony- I was there. I appreciated the food reminding her of home. This is what you expect from good fantasy writing. Just the proper amount of description. The whole passage is well written and interesting.
(By the way, I have a similar passage in my book - a god visits the main character in his bedroom at night. I think you did a great job here, having written a similar scene I know how tough it can be. - The arrival of the vision is well-done. I like the calling out of her name too. By chance, I used a blue white nimbus too, when my apparition arrived. :)
I love the idea of a test - the MC was given a deadly power, but used it for Good. - excellent stuff!
I always try to eliminate "very" - I use it sparingly, usually only in dialogue. For example: Priestess Dianah was very pleased. - I would say she was ecstatic, or some other strong word.
You could also try to make it more active such as "A look of joy spread across her features, as she marveled over the exquisite beauty of the gem, declaring this special moment as marking a life-long bond between them."
Just some advice. Personally, I love what you have written, but I also know what editors are looking for, and making a few minor changes can strengthen that which is already excellent.
I tripped a little here:
"You want to leave your land--this, this paradise?" Brehira asked, waving her arm."
I run into this problem too - when you are asking a question and add extra clauses and information to the quote. I am not sure how best to handle it. I would say "You want to leave this ...this paradise?"
There is nothing wrong with what you have written. Just offering my experience.
Good luck with the rest of the novel.
Best,
Dave
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Greetings Amahra!
I could really feel the tranquility of the scene on the balcony- I was there. I appreciated the food reminding her of home. This is what you expect from good fantasy writing. Just the proper amount of description. The whole passage is well written and interesting.
(By the way, I have a similar passage in my book - a god visits the main character in his bedroom at night. I think you did a great job here, having written a similar scene I know how tough it can be. - The arrival of the vision is well-done. I like the calling out of her name too. By chance, I used a blue white nimbus too, when my apparition arrived. :)
I love the idea of a test - the MC was given a deadly power, but used it for Good. - excellent stuff!
I always try to eliminate "very" - I use it sparingly, usually only in dialogue. For example: Priestess Dianah was very pleased. - I would say she was ecstatic, or some other strong word.
You could also try to make it more active such as "A look of joy spread across her features, as she marveled over the exquisite beauty of the gem, declaring this special moment as marking a life-long bond between them."
Just some advice. Personally, I love what you have written, but I also know what editors are looking for, and making a few minor changes can strengthen that which is already excellent.
I tripped a little here:
"You want to leave your land--this, this paradise?" Brehira asked, waving her arm."
I run into this problem too - when you are asking a question and add extra clauses and information to the quote. I am not sure how best to handle it. I would say "You want to leave this ...this paradise?"
There is nothing wrong with what you have written. Just offering my experience.
Good luck with the rest of the novel.
Best,
Dave
Comment Written 14-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you for your awesome review, Dave. And I appreciate the suggestions as well as the stars. Since this chapter is no longer placed on the review page, changes may appear only on the manuscript. Blessings.
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My pleasure :)
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is another well-done chapter, Amahra. You've introduced a new challenge to the ship's journey. I'm glad that Brehira doesn't believe what the guards told her. I look forward to finding out how this goes down.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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This is another well-done chapter, Amahra. You've introduced a new challenge to the ship's journey. I'm glad that Brehira doesn't believe what the guards told her. I look forward to finding out how this goes down.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Thank you, Judy. Stay tune. :)
Comment from Aiona
Mmm... fun read! I found your writing from stalking Beejay's reviews, because whatever she likes, I tend to like too. LOL! And I wasn't wrong. Very engagingly written in that I haven't read a word of any of the previous chapters, but I'm already invested in Brehira, and like her companions, I want to finagle my way into accompanying her on her journey.
I saw ONE typo:
1. "It was Mulari'a suspicion that alerted us to investigate, Ushiah," The captain said.
I think you meant "Mulari's" not "Mulari'a." Right?
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Mmm... fun read! I found your writing from stalking Beejay's reviews, because whatever she likes, I tend to like too. LOL! And I wasn't wrong. Very engagingly written in that I haven't read a word of any of the previous chapters, but I'm already invested in Brehira, and like her companions, I want to finagle my way into accompanying her on her journey.
I saw ONE typo:
1. "It was Mulari'a suspicion that alerted us to investigate, Ushiah," The captain said.
I think you meant "Mulari's" not "Mulari'a." Right?
Comment Written 13-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2021
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Right, thank you. LOL! So glad you enjoyed the chapter. Hope you continue.
Comment from Mary Shifman
I found this chapter intriguing and beautifully written. Your imagery is so vivid I could see the pictures you painted in my mind. There is a poetic quality to your writing. Thank your for sharing and introducing me to another great writer of fantasy.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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I found this chapter intriguing and beautifully written. Your imagery is so vivid I could see the pictures you painted in my mind. There is a poetic quality to your writing. Thank your for sharing and introducing me to another great writer of fantasy.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate you.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Amahra, another very long but we'll written chapter. So the three women cannot be trusted nor believed to tell the truth. But Brehira has chosen to keep it to herself. You write with imagination creating a colourful picture. All best, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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Hi Amahra, another very long but we'll written chapter. So the three women cannot be trusted nor believed to tell the truth. But Brehira has chosen to keep it to herself. You write with imagination creating a colourful picture. All best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 12-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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Thank you, Ulla.
Comment from NABattaglia
I've got to hunt down the earlier pieces, because this snapshot for me draws me in and sparks great interest in what went on and what is going on. Thank you for sharing this and taking the time to master dialogue like you have clearly done.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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I've got to hunt down the earlier pieces, because this snapshot for me draws me in and sparks great interest in what went on and what is going on. Thank you for sharing this and taking the time to master dialogue like you have clearly done.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Well, thank you so much for your fine review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from justafan
And the plot thickens!!
I am constantly amazed by all authors who can keep a plot going, keep the reader dialed in but you my friend are one of the best on this site.
Bravo again on a well received chapter!!
Always
Justafriend of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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And the plot thickens!!
I am constantly amazed by all authors who can keep a plot going, keep the reader dialed in but you my friend are one of the best on this site.
Bravo again on a well received chapter!!
Always
Justafriend of yours
Missy
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Missy. I really appreciate you. Blessings!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Another outstanding chapter of deceit and degrees of understanding by those lied to. I'm glad that Brehira doesn't believe any of lies that would give them a huge advantage. See, you have me almost believing it's all real. LOL. Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Another outstanding chapter of deceit and degrees of understanding by those lied to. I'm glad that Brehira doesn't believe any of lies that would give them a huge advantage. See, you have me almost believing it's all real. LOL. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Thank you, Ric. I'm glad you liked the chapter. Brehira is pretty smart. I like writing her. I know this sounds weird, but my characters are real until I finish the book. LOL
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LOL. Being real to you is what makes your characters so real to me, and others. :-)
Comment from Beejay
This really held my attention span, it was a great read and I was pulled immediately into the story, so that I became totally submerged!!
I m impatient to find out what happens next.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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This really held my attention span, it was a great read and I was pulled immediately into the story, so that I became totally submerged!!
I m impatient to find out what happens next.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Beejay for your review. Stay tuned.
Comment from Jay Squires
You are such a consummate storyteller! I was captivated from the first paragraph to the last. I especially enjoyed Brehira's visitation in the night. If I may make a small suggestion. As she lay back down when the vision vanished you said that she catnapped. I understood what you meant by that, but felt that it needed an adverb like "merely" to modify the verb and give "catnapped" a feeling of comparative, such as "catnapped (as opposed to sleeping soundly through the night). Very minor, but just something that struck me as I read.]
The other, toward the end, was more grammatical.
In the meantime, Brehira left Celio in his cabin dazzled with his mouth gaped opened examining his divine gifts. [... his mouth GAPED OPEN, examining ;..]
This was, again, a superb piece of writing, Amahra.
Jay
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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You are such a consummate storyteller! I was captivated from the first paragraph to the last. I especially enjoyed Brehira's visitation in the night. If I may make a small suggestion. As she lay back down when the vision vanished you said that she catnapped. I understood what you meant by that, but felt that it needed an adverb like "merely" to modify the verb and give "catnapped" a feeling of comparative, such as "catnapped (as opposed to sleeping soundly through the night). Very minor, but just something that struck me as I read.]
The other, toward the end, was more grammatical.
In the meantime, Brehira left Celio in his cabin dazzled with his mouth gaped opened examining his divine gifts. [... his mouth GAPED OPEN, examining ;..]
This was, again, a superb piece of writing, Amahra.
Jay
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Thank you, Jay. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. And thank you for your suggestion and critical eye.
